Tuesday, December 29, 2009

buying next years presents today keeps a slug financially fit

Just because December 25th has come and gone does not mean that the spirit of Christmas is over and done. Keep the spirit of Christmas alive even as you take down your sparkly aluminum tree that looks like a diamond when it is all lit up with all of the little colored lights you bought for $1.50 a box last year! Mr. Slug prides himself in being prudent and thoughtful with every business decision, even the ones involving the giving of gifts to his fellow slugs...not that he wants to be "cheap" in his giving; rather he likes to be a sensible business slug who can make a sluggy dollar stretch like a glob of goo. One of the best monetary moves you can make this season is the purchase of as many tail socks as you can find left on the shelves, which by now, are mostly picked clean of all of the good colors and patterns. Not to worry though, a slug looks great in most any type of tailsock! These tailsocks make a most thoughtful gift and is a unisex, one size fits all kind of purchase that can be pre-wrapped, one year in advance. Mrs. Slug helps Mr. Slug wrap the gifts in the wrapping paper received under this years tree, as they follow the "green slug movement," who actively reuse and recycle valuable material goods whenever possible. So, if you are one of the lucky slugs to receive a slightly crinkled and soft package under your tree soon after Thanksgiving 2010, you will know what it is and where it came from.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Feeling extra crispy? Let us add lettuce!

The holidays seem to wear out even the most stoic and hearty of slugs. During this busy time, one must keep oneself well hydrated and nourished! When it gets cold outside, a slug has very few options. He can either cover himself properly, or find himself quite frozen! In this example, Mr. Slug has both covered himself for warmth and has additionally provided himself with the fuel he needs to keep sliding smoothly through the holidays!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Mr. Slug increases his profit ten-fold, and looks good doing it!

Mr. Slug was so excited about his designer headwear, he decided to go public with it! Now his designs are seen sliding down the runways on the heads of the most sleek and successful slug models in the business! Mr. Slug says, "Any new venture takes a certain amount of risk. You will need a strong mantle, a short skirt and alot of optic nerve to succeed in the world of fashion slugs!" For this seasons look, Mr. Slug chose an "Oragami" theme that is both reversable, and edible! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

Friday, December 18, 2009

New hat needed? Try the supermarket!

You do not need to spend alot of hard earned cheddar in order to find cutting edge fashion! Cancel that flight to Paris and follow Mr. Slug to the most exciting haberdasher in town. Your local supermarket has everything you need to feel hip and fashion forward. Need a necklace to go with the ensemble? Glide on over to the vegetable section for a few fresh and flirty twist ties to complete your look. You are going to look so good, the manager will likely order you a personal escort out of the store and straight to your car!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Equal treatment for the flying rats!

Don't be too quick to judge someone by the way they look. Some of the hardest working executives have a rogue appearance to them. Perhaps they are wearing an earring or sport a rubbery looking set of wings and work the graveyard shift.
The least you can do is be kind and offer up a fresh moth or a stick of industrial bat food to your new friend. That bat could fly back to the cave and refer you to a large group of his batty relatives and your sluggy phone would start to ring off the hook with business inquiries.
Put this group of potential business slugmail contacts on your sonar and watch the slugdollars slide in!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's a good thing slugs don't have kneecaps!

When Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos went out of town on a business meeting, they enjoyed a layover in the exciting town of Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Thermos talked Mr. Lunchbox into going out on the town to have some dinner and a tail pull of a slot machine. They ate a sumptuous meal at the buffet table and were feeling pretty good about the entire arrangement. "This working vacation is the way to live!" A very beautiful waitress appeared and plied the two execs with a hefty amount of pickle juice. The two funsters proceeded to a row of slots and gave one a pull, betting the maximum amount of coins. "Woo hoo!!!" said the winners! They slid over to the Roulette Wheel and dropped the winnings on one single number. Mr. Thermos promptly lost the entire expense account. There was a rather tough looking Slug standing next to him that offered to "cover him for another spin of the wheel."
It was a decision that Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are certain to regret! The tough looking Slug that is after Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos goes by the name of Mr. Bubba. He chain smokes a bargain brand cigarette and wears a red bandana.
Mr. Slug told him that he "knew of no such foodservice executives and to please slide away and don't come back again or he would call the local gendarme."
The surly gentleman turned tail and we have not seen him since the incident.
After that, Mr. Slug called a meeting to ask his employees to refrain from nefarious activities when out on the road. As you can see, rules exist for a very good reason!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sail through your sales meeting like a true professional lunchbox

For this particular subject, I would like you to first start humming the theme song to that classic movie starring Kenny Rogers called "The Gambler" made way back in the 1970's when business meetings were still held in places like Palm Springs and Reno Nevada. Here we go:

"Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to hop away, know when to run!"

This rule is especially true when discussing business with a complete stranger who you have met at one of these conventions. In this instance, Mr. Lunchbox has met a top end appliance out in the hall of the meeting room. Being a heavy hitter in the business, he will stick to topics that involve Tiger Woods, Lady GaGa and Global Warming.

Mr. Lunchbox says, "Do not discuss your company secrets with anybody, especially a slick looking washing machine with all of the latest technology! It is simply not safe!"

Instead, Mr. Lunchbox shall concentrate on giving the gentlewasher an invitation to visit him for a round of golf, being the skilled duffer that he is.

Mr. Lunchbox feels that this is much safer way to do business than a round of festive adult libations where he is likely to let his zipper become unlipped and say something he did not intend to share with the competition...

Here is your business tip for the day: A smart Mr. Lunchbox looks his competition in the eye as he speaks with enthusiasm on subjects of general interest, throws down the business card and hops away with purpose! Now THAT's what I call smooth SALE-ING!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

An inordinate amount of insubordination brought on by a bout of boredom in the boardroom.

As much as Mr. Lunchbox does not like being reprimanded by his superiors, he especially does not like having to discipline his own workers. There has been a rash of "workplace infractions" of late, so Mr. Lunchbox is going to make sure that what happens in his department, stays in his department. That's right! Don't gossip about how you saw two wayward icepacks last night, wearing the company uniform along with lampshades for hats stumbling and giggling as they slid down Main Street! You saw nothing! If the higher brass (A.K.A. Mr. Slug the boss!) finds out about this latest affront to the company policy, it could have an adverse effect upon the entire stack of employee Christmas bonuses. Keep that zipper lipped!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mine! All Mine! Not Yours! MINE!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Slug was surprised by this very inventive artwork created by her foreign exchange student slug from Italy. His name is Slugvano. He is very artistic and wishes to be an slugitect. I know he will someday build a very tall structure and call it Slug Towers.
As you can see, I dream in vivid Technicolor. I am very greedy when it comes to my wheeled conveyance, especially if it is MY dream.
You see, every time we pass one of these fine vehicles out on the road, I say to my young charge, "Look, they are driving MY car!"
Alas, it is no wonder that Slugvano has created this most wonderful depiction of me, Mrs. Slug, in my natural greedy and materialistic habitat...........as it should be! No drinks or hard shell tacos in my car!
(I hope the alarm clock does not wake me up before I go through the car wash and have the "Carnuba Wax Applied When Flashing"....)
I hope you have enjoyed this unusual diversion from your normal slug fare. There are more surprises ahead.
Stay tuned for the next exciting episode! This outta keep you slugs on the tips of your tails, eh?

Friday, November 6, 2009

A hard night out on the tiles

Gather 'round all you slug adventurers! I present to you a slug drawing that is only a day older than a day-old loaf of bread! Fresh as the morning dew! It is a rare event indeed.
What we have here is a complete lack of consideration for the fragile brain which is expected to be alert and ready for a new and hopefully profitable workday. Adult libations entered the delicate digestive tract and all reason and logic was lost for a time. It all started when Mr. Lunchbox invited his co-worker out to dinner the previous evening. The restaurant was nice, and had a bar and discoteque in the next room. The brightly colored lights and thumping rhythm of the dance floor made the weary workers spring back to life and dance the night away! By the time they left the restaurant, the full moon was setting in the western sky and it was nearly time to return to work. The last thing that Mr. Lunchbox remembered saying was, "I don't get out much. Let's get another round." Mr. Thermos recalls nothing.
The bartender ordered the two a taxi cab and poured them into it, with directions home, written on a napkin, of course!
Mr. Slug knows that both of his employees are normally on time and completely alert every morning. He knew something was amiss when he observed the two scofflaws drinking copious amounts of water from the water cooler in the breakroom. Mr. Thermos was filling up on glazed doughnuts while Mr. Lunchbox was quietly sitting under the table with his flap hanging crookedly to one side, moaning and muttering incoherently.
Mr. Slug was young once, he has seen it all and done it twice. Before any other employees spotted them, Mr. Slug did a very honorable thing. It was a gift, a gesture of thanks for a job that is normally well done.
Being the kind and generous slug that he is, (wait for it..........) Yes, you know what is coming next...................
Mr. Slug was a hero and let them slide home for the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

"That's just the broccoli talking!"

Every now and then, a slug needs to go to the market for neccesary items, like chocolate bars. Mrs. Slug always prepares a list so that she does not forget the more important products, like paper napkins for lunches, broccoli and other essentials. Mr. and Mrs. Slug are careful not to get in the way of other shoppers, lest they get run over by a renegade shopping cart! Mr. Slug says, "Watch your tails, or it will be cleanup in aisle 3!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Eight glasses of water can be dangerous on the road!

When Mr. Slug takes a drive, he likes to get in the car and get to where he is going. Never mind the groans from the back seat. Mr Slug says, "Hang on and enjoy the ride."
The passengers can only hope that the car will get pulled over for a tail light being out or some such thing.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Zip your lip and move that hip! Rise and shine! Wheeeeee!

Mr. Slug has announced a new work schedule which will require Mrs. Slug to get up at the crack of dawn to assemble his delicious lunch to be placed inside the dapper and dutiful Mr. Lunchbox who shall accompany Mr. Slug to work so that he may serve him the repast at the midday meal. Mr. Lunchbox is always eager to serve. Our hero has a very strict work ethic that we could all learn from. It should be noted: although our dear friend Mr. Lunchbox does not display the most pleasant disposition at all times, he certainly has been well respected in the foodservice industry for his tireless efforts and attention to detail. Mr. Lunchbox is happy to accept awards at catered award banquets and is an eloquent speaker when standing upon the podium before a crowd of his peers. However........
Mr. Lunchbox is not yet sure he likes the new work schedule.....he is not always fully awake in the morning and feels that he should be allowed to sleep longer. Mrs. Slug has promised him that she will have his coffee ready the moment he hops out of bed in the morning. (Can I get a "Yippeee!!"?) Oh Joy! Cue the bird chirps and strum that harp! It's going to be a great day!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Music calms the savage slug! (Not to mention the savage Mr. Canopener!)

It is not easy to learn a new song. First, a slug must find the sheet music and learn it backward and forward. A slug must rehearse the song over and over again until the notes are raw. Creative chord patterns must be found for improvisation during solos. A slug must learn how to hold two mallets with one tail and play the vibraphone with deadly accuracy or the slug might hit a "clam" and get a sour look from the conductor during a performance.....In the midst of all of this rehearsal, a visit from Mr. Canopener can be extremely distracting indeed! Mr Canopener must be kept at bay during the entire learning process. Music can be fun, but it can also be quite dangerous!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Yes, Doctor, I realize I overdid it just a little bit....

During the late summer, Mr. Slug finds that his belly becomes quite itchy due to the warm weather. He decided to invent a machine to take care of his malady. The machine was so effective that he rounded up a few investor slugs who were interested in making a profit on this new and exciting idea. The prototype was wildly popular with the local slugs! Now Mr. Slug has to limit the time that each slug may use the scratching machine because the crowds have become unruly and dangerous! Unfortunately, there is only one of these fantastic machines in the entire world. Let's hope that the machine can go into mass production as soon as possible. If you are a slug who would like to invest in this new product, please indicate how many shares of stock you would like to buy in the Scratchmatic Company. This invention could revolutionize the entire belly scratching industry! Get your piece of the Scratchmatic today!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Confidence is better than lipstick on a slug

Mr. Slug knows that the best thing he can wear out in public is a bright and honest smile. There is no article of clothing that can radiate success better than a relaxed and happy demeanor. Mr. and Mrs. Slug have found that the month has been a smoother slide when they go out the door wearing the "twinkle tail." It costs nothing, looks good, and seems to attract extra goo into Mr. Slug's wallet, which he likes when he is out buying chocolate bars after work.
**Of historical note for hardcore fans of Mr. Slug*** This particular napkin was drawn this very morning and was delivered to you fresh! "Yaaaaayyy!!!" "Can we get a Wheeeee-e-e?!" "Yipppeeee!!!!" Don't look at me that way. It is OK to be excited and cut loose with a yelp of gladness. This is a big deal. A really big deal. This is the first time that this has ever happened. SAME DAY SERVICE. I bet you didn't know......All previous slugs are from the archives of past lunchboxes. Mr. Slug took this napkin out of Mr. Lunchbox TODAY, the 18th day of August, and told me to share it with you at once. I hope you are pleased. Hold that thought. Indefinitely. Now go out there and twinkle that tail! Sell something! YOU!
This motivational message brought to you by "Slugs for an Increasingly Gooey World."

Sunday, August 2, 2009

FOR RENT! #77 Slugland Lane

A home is an incredible thing to a slug, as the shell is to a snail. We slugs do not take this fact lightly, and we screen our renters carefully when we find we wish to rent out our beloved abode. The first question that Mr. Slug is likely to ask any potential renter slug is, "How often do you plan to clean the goo stripes off of the front porch?" If there is any hesitation in answering that question, a 3 leaf surcharge will be added to the mothly rent. Otherwise, Mr. Slug will let most things slide, as he is a very reasonable sort of fellow, most of the time.

Monday, July 27, 2009

"A bat flew into my livingroom on Sunday night, and I flushed him out the front door with an umbrella, also known in London as a bumbershoot."

Mr. Lunchbox was feeling very antsy this morning due to the fact that he may have to unzip his zipperlip and be the Chairman of a Toastmasters meeting. Too many slugs at a Toastmasters and you have a seriously gooey situation indeed! Thank goodness there is a time limit for the speaker. Mr. Lunchbox has already decided that he shall step, or rather, hop in if the situation becomes a heated debate. No wonder they call the group Toastmasters!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Mr. Lunchbox takes his job rather seriously!

There is nothing worse than being upset about something, and having your hissy fit fall on deaf, or in this case, sleeping and unhearing ears. Mr. Lunchbox is an early riser and does not take kindly to folks who tamper with his morning routine. He knew there might be a problem when he heard the sounds of slugs singing and playing music, (tickling the ivories to be exact) into the wee hours of the night. The next time he hears Mr. and Mrs. Slug having too much fun at his expense, Mr. Lunchbox will call the authorities and have the scofflaws thrown in the slammer for disturbing the peace, along with the "willful destruction" of his precious and fragile peanut butter sandwiches! I can hear the sirens in the distance! Slide! Slide for your lives!
Henceforth, Mrs. Slug offers this slice of advice:
Stay clear of Mr. Lunchbox today, as he is in no mood to be trifled with.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Let's go for a brisk morning slide, shall we?

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have returned from a vacation is sunny Los Angeles where they enjoyed sliding around the Rose Bowl for excercize and increased mental sharpness. Mr. Slug has made an agreement with his Mrs. Slug that they should try to get up earlier in the morning, which is difficult to do when they both like to read books into the wee hours of the evening! This practice must be stopped and replaced with the new plan of attack, a simultaneous flopping of the bellies into the bed at a decent hour! The revolt begins! Set the alarm for 7:00!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

"Trouble" does not need a formal invitation printed in gold leaf ink on watermarked onion skin parchment with a vellum insert.

You can start the day with the sun brightly shining, everything is good, and suddenly, you feel attacked!!! Were you unprepared? Caught off-guard? Unable to defend yourself? Mr. Slug would like everyone to remember to carry a hammer and don't be afraid to use it. Sometimes you don't even have to take the hammer out of the toolbelt if you know a pre-prepared, choice set of intelligently placed words which will stop your aggressor in his slug trail. Smile! Grin and wink as you make your delivery of the words, and watch in amazement as the antagonists back up, and slide away. Mr. Slug says, "It is not true that good guys finish last. I would like to think that the good guys are the last to be finished!"

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Twirl and be Free! Mr. Slug tries on a brand new shoe...

All work and no play makes Mr. Slug a dull mollusk. Lucky for him, Mr. Canopener was itching to break free of his lunchbox and have some recreational time, so he demanded that Mr. Slug put on a tailshoe and practice some spirited ballet moves to tone up his tail and re-energize for the start of his business week. At first, Mr. Slug said, "No, I don't do tailshoes." Mr. Canopener was relentless. He said, "Just give it a try. Dancing has changed my life. I used to be cold and calculating, I was violent and would cut anyone open just for kicks. Now that I can express myself, I have found that I am a much friendlier chap with a loving heart." Mr. Canopener stared at Mr. Slug intently, his handle spinning slowly around in a somewhat menacing way. "Try it with me, I know you will like it." There are times in life when one realizes that trying something new might be the healthier choice to make. Mr. Slug reluctantly put on the shoe to keep Mr. Canopener from becoming agitated. After about an hour of dancing, Mr. Slug had improved considerably. He even scheduled another session of dancing during the midweek! Mr. Slug found ballet to be more fun, and I dare say, somewhat safer than playing one on one basketball with another one of his business collegues, Mr. Porcupine. The moral of this story is: "If the shoe fits, it is not enough to merely wear it. You must learn to dance in it."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Saving money is a no brainer

If you are a slug who is trying to keep hold of your lettuce, a little belt tightening may be in order. Mr. Slug would like to issue a word of caution - tightening your belt too tight can lead to a bit of light headedness, thus leading to a series of poor decisions. This dangerous sequence of events may lead to uneccessary purchases of things like fan belts and wiper blades which are the wrong size and completely useless since Mr. Slug has abandoned his car for a steel sliding plate, due to the high cost of fossil fuel. So, with that, my dear friends, I deliver to you the honorable Mr. Slug's word of advice for today: "Take everything down a notch and you might find yourself breathing a little easier." I can hear the sound of your exhale already!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

This is one class where a crush on the teacher is a very bad thing...

Due to popular demand, (of one reader) I am compelled to supply all of my gentle readers with an introductory course on the basic anatomy of a slug. It pleases me to know that there is such an interest! Please reveiw the study material provided, you will be tested on this information.
HEY! You slugs! Yes you! In the back row! Pay attention!
Keep those optic tentacles on your own test as cheating will not be tolerated. NOW, repeat after me. "Garden Slugs are your Friends, as they are both beautiful and well-intentioned....."

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Micromanagement and you

For anyone who finds themselves lucky enough to be working, it is important to remember to pay attention to even the finest details of the job at hand. Leave no stone unturned, complete all required documentation so that the management can see that progress is being made. Every working minute must be accounted for!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Looking slick is easy if you are a slug.

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a banner week! They have both received phone calls which will attract extra dollars toward the household pocketbook. Mrs. Slug pointed out to Mr. Slug that without a pocket to put it in, he may misplace his pocketbook, and thereby lose his ability to add to his earnings accordingly. Additionally, a slick business slug must remain fashionable in the workplace. Mrs. Slug pointed out to her dashing and debonaire beloved husband that "we live in an image driven world." Thus, sliding oneself around in ill fitting, tattered work clothing will not attract new business, nor will it keep that delicate belly of his protected at the job site. Mrs. Slug loves to shop with coupons! With the prudent snipping of said coupons, she was able to save even more than half off of the price of Mr. Slug's new work attire. Today, we shall follow the financial advice of Mrs. Slug: "Good business decisions start with protecting one's tail, looking your best everywhere you slide, and having those handy coupons at the checkout counter every time you venture out to do some shopping. Grandma slug always used to say, "A penny that is not saved is a penny burned." Or, as Mr. Slug so aptly chimed in as to have the last word on the subject, "More saving equals less slaving."

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Working on Memorial Day weekend blows chunks

Mr. Slug had big plans to entertain a few of his friends on his boat over the Memorial Day Weekend until he read an inter office memo that stated "All slugs shall report to work on Memorial Day Weekend - No Exceptions." Visions of a nice barbeque near the water with the sounds of clinking glasses with festive beverages faded from his mind. In place of these wonderful images were scenes of slugs all chained together on the side of the road with shovels and a mean looking boss wearing mirrored sunglasses holding a bullwhip. At least there are still sick days if you are well enough to enjoy them!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Public displays of the seriously affected

Being independently employed, Mr. Slug understands the importance of a good cash flow. Mr. Slug is not afraid to "Get into the trenches" and work hard to keep a nice pile of working capital available to keep his own business up and running. These are hard times indeed. Top executives all over the country have had to take off their ties (and lampshades) to work an extra job so that they can continue to keep their companies afloat. Mr. Slug knows that if he keeps a cool head he should be able to weather through the financial storm with the extra money he makes on the weekend.
There is, however, a limit to what a slug can take. Too bad Mr. Slug can't verbalize his thoughts or he would get fired. He is likely to be thinking, "If I have to pull over, your ride is over! You can all slide to the airport on your bellies for all I care!" But no, he cannot say those things. He loves his other job too much. Being the responsible executive that he is, Mr. Slug has an imaginary clamp firmly affixed to his tounge at all times. So, without further ado, Mr. Slug shall give you his business tip of the week: "Think as much as you want, but say as little as possible. Resist the urge to purge."

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Now I know you have lost it. Check please.

Many times Mr. Slug has said to himself, "I am the luckiest slug in the world. I have a loving and slippery wife, a green froggy pet and a strong belly to slide upon through my day. If I went to a casino and put my money on a blackjack table, I wonder if my luck would hold?"
It is times like this that one should seek the help of a professional. The question is, how would you go about finding a genie? Mrs. Slug tried to find one listed in the phone book, but it says "See Fortune Teller." So what did Mr. Slug do, you ask? He did what any business slug would do in his position, he went out to play a round of golf and ask if anybody on the practice putting green knew a good luck Genie in our local Chamber of Commerce. A calling card for a reputable Genie was quickly procured and the Genie contacted immediately for an afternoon appointment. Mr. Slug ordered up three wishes and sped off toward home. He was pulled over by a nice officer of the law who let him go with a warning. He had two wishes left, so he made a u-turn and headed for the casino. The parking lot was full, so he wished for a parking spot, and found one quickly. With his one remaining wish, he slid over to the blackjack table and placed his bet. After an hour, Mr. Slug stepped away from the table with enough money to buy Mrs. Slug a new Ab Roller. Mrs. Slug used the device and became a lean mean sliding machine. She was nominated for Slug of the Year and attended an awards banquet where she received a trophy. This made Mrs. Slug squeal with delight. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "I could not have done this without the love and support of my dear husband, Mr. Slug....and of course, a little bit of luck mixed in." The moral to this story is that "Even if you were to buy yourself some good luck, nothing happens without hard work and creative thinking."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Good manners will open the sugar bowl for you every time.

The above illustration is a fine example of how an individual who wishes to get to the top of the anthill must first introduce him or herself with a smile, and win the affection of the party with whom they wish to transact. Although each of us may sometimes feel like just a number, we need to remember the rules of the game. Mr. Ant says, "A clever ant must always possess the ability to ask for what is needed, and be straightforward and clear with that request." Mr. Slug is more than happy to take time out of his busy executive schedule to accomodate an industrious saleperson who shows up at his office with a friendly confident approach and an honest looking pair of antennae! Mr. Ant has been rewarded for his efforts with a job offer at a cotton candy factory and with a DVD copy of the film, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." He was delighted! Now get out there and put your best exoskeletal leg forward today! (This ad paid for by the United Ant Workers of America, who would like to remind you that, "One ant equals the force of many ants when we all work together toward a common goal.")

Monday, April 20, 2009

Rrrring. Rrring.....Press three to speak to ME!

Every evening at about dinnertime, Mr. and Mrs. Slug are interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. They often receive a call from a tape recorded voice that will try to sell them something. Mr. Slug thought to himself, "Self, why can't we use that same technology to find more employment opportunities?" Mr. Slug found an Auto Dialer machine at a garage sale and hooked it up to his phone line. He made a recorded message asking potential employers to consider hiring him, and let 'er rip. That machine was incredible! It made calls to all corners of the country! Mr. Slug got calls back from the Chief Excecutive Officers of many different companies who were impressed with his marketing savvy. It sure helps to know how to speak the language of big business! Mrs. Slug has suggested that Mr. Slug should simply manufacture and sell the machines to job seekers and write his own ticket instead of working for some other slug. Now THAT's using your tail!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Eat broccoli for increased power and speed!

A couple of days ago, Mr. and Mrs. Slug were motivated to sweep the spiders out of the hull of the boat and take her for a spin around Olalla Lake, which is located delightfully close to Slug's Rest. The weather was perfect for a spirited paddling. Mr Slug saw a salamander underneath the surface of the water and jumped in so he could pet it on the back. He dove under the water and greeted Mr. Sally with a hearty hello and a wag of his tail. Just as he broke the surface of the water, Mrs. Slug had a spate of gaseous bodily fumes, exploding loudly in rapid succession, which she is prone to experience after eating a sumptuous lunch of broccoli and califlower florets, consumed greedily, also in rapid succession. You should have been there to see what happened next! The boat took off like a rocket and shot halfway across the lake! It is a good thing that Mr. Slug knows how to swim fast. Mrs. Slug was kind enough to throw her beloved a lifesaver. He ate it at once and climbed back into the boat. The afternoon concluded without further incident. The moral of this story is: "Too many greens mixed with the blue may require a maritime rescue!" or, "Don't take the boat after eating broccoli unless you are ready to rock and roll!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Product testing could take a month or two....

Mr. Slug does it again! He has invented a device that could put an end to despair, loneliness and corruption. Even the most hardened slug is no match for this love machine. This baby purrs like a kitten and will rumble an irritable and agitated working slug safely to sleep so he or she will wake up rested and ready for another profitable and productive workday. Why, this cuddlematic machine could be just the thing we need to turn this economy around! Three cheers for Mr. Slug!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Don't worry, be snappy

Sometimes the worries of the day can creep into your dreams and cause even more worries. The current economic conditions are sure to create a rather vivid scenario indeed. Your tender sluggy grey matter must fight back with happy thoughts! Before going to sleep tonight, tell yourself that you are in charge of the dreaming. When the cop tries to give you a ticket, imagine that it is not a traffic ticket, but a winning lottery ticket! That car you are living in is a Jaguar, and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a Creme Brulee! The smell emanating from the car is not sluggy odor, it is now Old Spice New "Sporty Fresh" scent! There is only one thing that should remain unchanged in the above picture.....The doo rag can still be a doo rag because Mr. Slug looks too cool for school in it.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Safety can be fun.....Fun can be dangerous!

O.K. gang, gather round. Is this microphone working? Too loud? Good. Eyes forward please. Today we will discuss safety in the workplace. My name is Mr. Slug, but today, you can call me "Mr. Safety." Your safety is important to me, and today I intend to make it important to you. Please write the word on your worksheet. Stare at it, remember it, live it. Imbedded in the word "Safety", one will find the following words: FAST, STY, SAT, SAY, EAT, FAT, STAY, YES, YET, AFT, TEAS, SEAT, and a few more that can be found on your own time. You will notice that many of these words contain a certain element of risk. This demonstration proves that even the safest and most attentive slug must be on top of his or her game at all times. Do not trust that another co-worker slug will be watching out for you. Every slug must be on the lookout for potentially unsafe situations and act upon them immediately. Watch your tails you slugs! Look alive and pay attention at all times! Ignore the danger signals, and you are likely to get your tail burned! Thank you for attending today. Please pick up your proof of attendance card as you slide out. This safety class funded in part by Oregon Slugs Hazard Avoidance. "Slide Smart, Slide Safely"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Take a look what they've won! A day at the spa!

It seems that slugs everywhere have been forced to work harder than they have ever worked, that is, if they are lucky enough to have a paying situation. If you are the "Boss", that is, an employer of slugs, you must remember to reward your best employees with incentives to keep those sluggy minds lively and supple. They must be ready to rock and roll and be the best at what they do. Mr. Slug has a business tip for you: "Begin your day with some light sliding, and then make a few phone calls to some prospective buyers to set the tone for a productive and profitable day. I see a glimmer of hope on the financial horizon! Set the dial on high! Warm those bellies! Look lively you slugs! Sell! Sell!" (This motivational message paid for by the Belly Baker Corporation of HamHock Valley, Oregon)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Now that's "Livin'!"

Tonight you might be here checking on the Adventures of Mr. Slug and Friends because you found yourself sitting in a catatonic state in front of a TV set saying, "How come we are paying for 160 channels and I can't find one thing that interests me?" We are honored to have you here as a visitor here at our comfortable and spacious estate that we refer to as Slug's Rest. Please kick off your shoe, put on a tail sock and a slipper and make yourself at home. We are here to help. Mr. Slug will set you up with a refreshment and a bit of music for your enjoyment. Mr. Slug asks, "Would you care to dance?"
This is where you need to pay attention if you want to break out of the catatonia.....If someone asks you to dance, you must accept! Yours truly has recently purchased a 1961 Magnavox Hi Fidelity Stereo Console with a full 50 watts of tube amplified musical nirvana. When Mrs. Slug helped him load the unit into the truck, she said, "This thing weighs a ton. Did they leave the records in it too?" Indeed they did, Mrs. Slug, indeed they did. Mr. and Mrs. Slug were delighted to find a very special collection of mint condition record albums inside the storage of the handsome walnut veneer cabinet with little fake drawer pulls. Incredible! Mr. Slug took the turntable apart and tuned up the motor for a flawless spin. The unit came to life with the sounds of "Hawaiian favorites, Song of the Islands (Marty Rollins), and "Tumbleweed Trail, (Sons of the Pioneers)." After listening to a number of great tunes, Mrs. Slug immediately slid over to to her local library so she could round out the evening entertainment with a good read. She is now snuggled in her bed at the end of a perfect spring day. She will, of course, hand the book to Mr. Slug because the only thing better than a good book is having someone read it to you. What could be better? Certainly not that boring old TV!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Your business is Mr. Slugs business!

When it comes to doing business, Mr. Slug has a motto....Mr. Slug says, "Let your belly guide your decisions. If you have a gut feeling that an important decision must be made and the axe has got to fall, swing that axe hard and make a nice clean cut." In a recent Fortune 500 interview, Mr. Slug gave the following advice. He stated, "Nothing can move forward without decisive action. A slug must take responsibility for his actions, a willingness to deal with the ensuing fallout, and develop a plan that will get his corporation through the lean times. Distance yourselves from shifty eyed slugs. Keep your most hard working trusted slugs informed of your moves, slide with a purpose. America, start your engines and turn off your televisions! Don't let anyone tell you that it is a bad time to do business! I love the smell of my photocopier in the morning! O.K., everyone, repeat after me....... I'm a lean, mean, gooey selling machine!!" This motivational message has been paid for by the I.B.S. of America (Independent Business Slugs of America)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Try a little tenderness

All of that work on the new driveway has been taking its toll on Mr. Slug this week, and he does not seem to be getting the sympathy that he would like from his peers. Even though the driveway is smoother, the highway is a dangerously uncomfortable slide this time of year. You really need to watch your sliding. Anything can happen! A gravel rock can hit you right in the snout when the traffic passes! As the winter wears on, it just gets worse. The road bed is so rough that Mr. Slug needs a heavy steel plate to strap on his belly to keep from getting scraped. The steel plate that Mr. Slug slides on has been ruined from too many highway miles, and is proving to be ineffective protection from the rough road. Good thing Mr. Slug has his Mrs. Slug to comfort him and rub salves and ungents into his tender dermis!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Follow your dreams and your belly machines

The winter rain and snow has made a wreck of the gravel driveway leading up to the house at Slugs Rest. There are numerous dips and gullies where the road was once smooth and easy to slide on. Even the deer are avoiding it, which is distressing for the local cats who enjoy chasing them through the yard. Mr. Slug has a dream - he would like to smooth out the driveway and install some new paving stones like the ones you see in a James Bond movie under the tires of Mr. Bond's specially built Jaguar with the seat ejector button and the oil slick button and the slicing knives that stick out from the axles so that anyone trying to follow him can be made to swerve wildly so he can get away and save the world from the likes of Goldfinger or some such villian. At the entrance to the driveway would be a pair of gargoyle attack slugs with smiling faces and a big imposing gate with an intercom system that you would have to talk in to before being allowed admittance to the compound. The first order of business will be to hire those paving slugs right away! The rest will take care of itself! The name is Slug.......James Slug.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

More time to barbeque, less time to sleep!

There is something about the sound of an alarm clock that makes you feel like you might be in trouble with the law - your heart beats faster, the room seems colder and you wish you could just stay in bed and make that alarm clock go away and leave you alone. Don't be so hard on your alarm clock, or Mr. Clampy for that matter, they are both just trying to keep you earning an honest days wage for an honest day of work, and that also means being on time to said employment situation. I know what you are thinking.......(Get real! Mr. Alarm clock is not your friend! He and that dratted Mr. Clampy can go play on the freeway with a pack of angry ostriches! Leave me alone Mr. Alarm Clock!.... LEAVE!....ME!..... ALONE!) If this is what you are thinking, then I suggest that you grab yourself a nice cup of decaffinated tea and turn in early on Sunday night. After all, it was Mr. Daylight Saving Time that has caused all of this civil unrest, unless of course, you are lucky enough to live in Arizona USA. That is where they send all of those stolen hours from the rest of the country and then tack them on to the summer. That is why it is so darned hot there, but, I am wandering from my point I was trying so hard to make......You may want to blame that sneaky Mr. Daylight Savings for your troubles and leave the innocent time enforcement officials out of this! Instead, I urge you to send a thank you card to Mr. Alarm Clock and Mr. Clampy! They are just trying to do their job.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My pillow needs fluffing, so let's hire a pro!

What used to take an hour or two now has become an all day affair! At least all receipts have been found lurking in the glove box of the car or the back of the writing desk and Mrs. Slugs purses (that are last years fashion), hanging in the closet getting dusty. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty! Smile as you prepare your 2009 taxes, and don't forget, it all goes to a good cause. Now get out that pen and start writing some checks, or you might end up with a Mr. Clampy attached to your tail! After the taxes are paid, Mrs. Slug has decided to dust off her purses and give them another run, especially that cute pink handbag with the clasp that goes "Snap" real loud when you close it.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Exciting new invention! The store will be complete pandemonium!

Mr. Slug was pleased that he was able to take care of all of his business appointments while in Los Angeles. He will return to Oregon triumphant! Mr Slug returns with the newest innovation in personal tail accessories, the Powda-Pal sock powdering device, which is scheduled to be released at the end of this week if all goes smoothly. Sleek and efficient, this little puppy delivers the finest tail powder and tickle that money can buy! Made in the U.S.A. from Titanium alloys and accented with natural finished wood veneers. Available in pink, red, seafoam green and black to match your fussiest decor! Your tail will thank you!

What did you put in there? Rocks?!

It is a good thing that Mr. and Mrs. Slug know how to pack light when they travel, as there are new restrictions on the amount of weight allowed per piece of luggage. Mr. and Mrs. Slug used to include a stash of water to keep a high moisture content, but now they just buy it when they arrive at the destination....well, just a couple of water bottles shouldn't make much difference.............Hoist them on up and to the scale and say your prayers!

Shake your tail feather!

Mrs. Slug walked in on her husband while he was perfecting the first of two wings he is designing for his frequent trips to LA. He does not really need them, as he has already booked a flight on his favorite commuter airline, SLUGAIR, who are enjoying a profit in the first quarter despite the economy. It seems that slugs everywhere are choosing to live it up and travel, after all, if the financial markets are no longer sailing, then flying around is the obvious thing to do when the economic outlook is downright sluggish! We're goin' to Disneyland! No, wait...we went there last time.......I think this trip we will go to the La Brea Tarpits and see the brand new giant Wooly Mammoth that was found at a construction site recently! Yeah!!! Large bowls of Pho soup for everyone! Taco truck, here we come! Griffith Park Merry Go Round, start your pipe organ! It's time to riiiiide!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

LOVE........ It's 100% Organic!

Mrs. Slug is one of those "Green Slugs" who takes an interest in renewable sources of energy. She has found that the finest organic product available at her local Love Farm is also of the best quality, easily recycled, and more delicious and tasty than the processed varieties. Purchase in small or large quantities, and sprinkle liberally throughout your daily activities. Become a preferred customer and enjoy all of the benefits of being a club member!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

"Honey!" " Help me!" " I'm stuck, and I can't slide!"

The morning started out nicely enough. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. Everything was right with the world, when suddenly, Mrs. Slug heard a faint cry coming from the other side of the house. When she arrived at the scene, Mr. Slug was doubled up, groaning and looking rather strained. He said, "It's an old injury from an incident that involved a car that hit me from behind. My tail has a muscle spasm every now and then." Seeing the agony that her dear husband slug was in, she immediately sprung into action, and within minutes, Mr. Slug was fit as a fiddle and dancing a jig!
Mrs. Slug has a theory that Mr. Slug needs more potassium in his diet, and thereby should eat more bananas. Mr. Slug begs to differ. He has a theory that he needs more ice cream, and that Mrs. Slug should run out to the store and purchase the flavor of his choice so this kind of thing won't happen again!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Escaped boat elludes police, news at 11

If you were attending the Seafood and Wine Festival in Newport Oregon today, you may have spotted a wild looking boat on a trailer. It had separated itself from the tow rig. The boat was laughing maniacally, while it wove in and out of traffic, without regard for the safety of others. Mrs. Slug spotted the scofflaw near the intersection of Highway 101 and Bay Street. She promptly notified the authorities using her trusty slugphone. The police set up a roadblock and successfully stopped the vehicle with a tack strip. A field sobriety test was performed and failed. The police called in Mr. Clampy for assistance, who placed a clamp on the rudder. The boat was arrested and housed at the Lincoln County Courthouse. Bail has been set at 250,000.00 and three crab rings full of live crabs, which shall be released back into the sea, along with the boat, when bail is posted.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Quit staring at me!

After Mr. and Mrs. Slug returned from their cruise vacation, Mr. Slug noticed that his tail had a tremendous itch. Dr. Sluggo looked at the angry welts on the tender tail and replied, "This is a serious case of taildermatosis. It may have been caused by sliding around without proper tail protection on the Lido Deck. It is a common condition when the tail is exposed to the abrasive salt air. See you again next Wednesday." However it happened, Mr. Slug is going to wear the collar without complaint until the tail heals, otherwise Dr Sluggo will have to encapsulate the offended dermis with a tail cast so that the tail can heal properly. How come fun always seems to have a high price?!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Everything is included...the entertainment, the food, the works!

In these troubled times, it is even more important to remember that a slug should not stop living. Watch your pocketbook while you enjoy the finer things in life. As Mr. Slug says, "You only slide once." A slug should strive to get the best value for his gooey, hard earned dollar. Mr. and Mrs. Slug love all of the extras that a cruise vacation offers, especially the on-board musical stage shows with the elaborate costumes and perky performers! Mr. and Mrs. Slug have dancing tails on tonight! Well done! That's making your dollar work for you!