Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The idea was hatched during last months flight over the country. He looked out upon the rolling heath below and thought to himself, "I wish I had a faster way to complete my morning routine, which has become mundane and boring. I need a fantastic new way to start the day.....Hmmmm......If only I had a machine that would assist me like that farm implement down there in the field, I could get out the door and to class more quickly....Hmmmm....
Mr. Slug began working on the blueprint to his new machine as the holiday season kicked in. He interviewed shoppers in the isles of stores in his neighborhood and soon learned that many slugs do not spend enough time brushing the rasp, (also known as a tooth).
Mr. Slug has a dentist which he is going to visit on Monday morning. If the dentist finds that Mr. Slug has not been doing a good job of diligent oral hygiene, Mr. Slugs dentist will smile at him menacingly and say quietly, "You only need to brush the tooth you want to keep." It is a very intimidating and uncomfortable thing to hear.
Thus, Mr. Slug has been busy in preparation for said dental event. Drum roll please...."Introducing the New Auto-Tooth 100!" Mrs. Slug is assisting Mr. Slug in a demonstration of the machine today, and it seems to be doing the job beautifully. Just a dab of spinich paste on the brush, a flick of the switch, and you are off to the races with a rasp so clean, your wife can see her reflection in it!
"Bravo Mr. Slug! I'll take two!"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
1) A very long spool of kite string.
2) Two kites, unassembled, with adjustable tails in festive colors.
3) One large, industrial strength weather balloon.
4) One TSA full body scanner
5) One carryon bag with a dozen 3oz bottles of water
After gathering the necessary materials for his experiment, Mr. Slug stopped by the public library to read about other brave balloon aviators who have made the journey, so he could get an idea of what to expect. Mr. Slug found that there had been many balloon pilots in the past who had made the mistake of flying too high, where the air is too thin and has no oxygen. One can only imagine what happened to those hapless souls. Mr. Slug promised Mrs. Slug that he would be careful as his insurance will not cover this type of thing should he miscalculate the finer details of the flight.
Mr. Slug took off from the launch pad with the help of his three assistants at precisely 5:00pm. The aircraft went straight up and caught the breeze, which was moving him in a South Easterly direction at 4 miles per hour. At about 6:30 pm, Mr. Slug was famished and landed his contraption in a cow pasture, much to the delight and amazement of the wide-eyed and mooing heifers. Mr. Slug released the helium from the balloon and folded the kites for storage in his backpack. Mr. Slug was proud of himself for his excellent preparation, and wagged his tail as he smiled broadly at the cows. Just then, the farmer who owns the cows came running up to the scene and said, "What's going on over here? I thought I saw a UFO!" Mr. Slug kindly introduced himself and announced that he was not an unidentified flying object, he has his identification card right here if anyone needs to see it. The farmer shrugged and said, "Long as you ain't no alien, I reckon I won't hav'ta shoot 'ya." Mr. Slugs tummy growled audibly. The farmer asked him, "Didja eat?" Mr. Slug said no. "Well, I got me some nice collards down yonder, make yerself at home." When Mr. Slug was finished nibbling, the farmer offered him a ride back to Slug's Rest. They climbed aboard the tractor and headed home at a speed of 10 miles per hour. Cars were lined up and honking behind them. The tractor continued without increasing speed, at 10 miles per hour. Mr. Slug was happy with his progress and was blissfully unaffected by the rude waves and gestures and yelling from the passing vehicles. By the time Mr. Slug got home, it was exactly 7:00 pm. Mr. Slug had spent so much time with his new friend, he started to get a new accent. "Here we are Mr. Farmer, much obliged fer the lift! I promise to bring the missus on over fer supper sometime!" He tipped his optical tentacle forward as if it were a Stetson hat and headed indoors to his loving slimy mate. Mrs. Slug was so happy to have Mr. Slug back, safe and sound.
For future excursions, Mr. Slug needs to know what his total travel miles were so that he may write it in his logbook. Therefore, I present my fellow slugs with the following conundrum:
How far away is the launchpad from Slug's Rest?
How far away is the farm with the delicious collard greens?
Please help Mr. Slug with his calculations before he is forced to send himself back through the TSA scanner and get frisked by someone other than Mrs. Slug!!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Unfortunately, this college is far away from Slug's Rest. Mr. Slug decided he would need to throw his books in a backpack and set off for school to find a room to let for the semester. He bought himself a low cost $200.00 belly sliding plate that would protect his tender dermis from the harsh freeway concrete for the 3 hour drive to school. When he was about a mile from school, he went door to door looking for an affordable room. He came across a fellow snail, but the room was much too small, so he kept looking. After three days of sleeping under bushes, he finally found a nice slug who would share a fully furnished apartment with him. The slug has graciously offered to feed Mr. Slug some leftover leaves, as it is hard to finish an entire stalk by yourself without feeling overstuffed. Mr. Slug is very grateful for the opportunity to go back to school, and he has become a studying machine, capable of leaping tall textboks in a single slide!
In the meantime, Mr. Slug will be running his company while between classes, via a tailtop computer. All of his employess will be in constant contact with him during the school year. Mrs. Slug is in charge of the accounting and the books. She will also oversee the day to day operations of Slug's Rest and will make all important executive decisions in his absence. Mr. Canopener will be handling all of his toughest vendors, while Mr. Lunchbox will be mostly doing sales trips with his business partner Mr. Thermos. Mrs. Slug has advised all employees to stay productive and out of trouble during this important phase of development. Without the increased knowledge, Mr. Slug feels that the firm could fall behind and become obsolete. He has encouraged training classes for everyone once he finishes his initial school terms and earns his slugwater degree. Forward sliding is more essential than ever before, we are in a world of increased sludge and goo. Lets hope they all hold down the fort so Mr. Slug can get some studying done!
Please turn off your television set and open a book, for we all have something new to learn. There will be a quiz for you coming in the next couple of weeks, please have your pencils ready, a scratch paper and calculator will be permitted.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Mr. Slug has invented a new flying device! The "Bubble to Air Conversion Lifter" is worn snugly on the mantle and held on to with the foot. A simple flick of the optical tentacle engages the ON switch and allows a slug to fly effortlessly through the air!
How does this thing work you ask? I will tell you, but be patient, it is highly technical jargon and you must pay close attention:
Flight is achieved by the use of a pressurized cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds: Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum foam, a material so light that it floats on water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder. These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the usual steel outer casing.
To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop, they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground and into the air!
Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena, California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media. Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all systems are GO!
"10...22.214.171.124....5.4. Launch has been delayed for the technicians to repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9...8...7...6....5....4...3..2...1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!
WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one.
Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! The control room erupts into a fury of high fives and applause! Suddenly, the sound of a crackling voice comes over the monitor. It is Mr. Slug trying to acheive radio contact with ground control. "Mr. Slug to ground control. Please come in. May Day - May Day!" He sounds concerned. The entire room goes quiet as Mr. Slug continues, "The flight is going fine, but I may have overlooked one small detail before launching....How do we turn this thing off so we can land??!" (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)
As this is an experimental vehicle, the SPL engineers are perplexed and need your help! Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:
To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of slime is to be added for every pound of volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L, how many pounds of slime should be added?
If any of you slugs you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately! Mr. Slug is depending on you for a smooth landing!! Hurry!!!
(Please note: This particular slug napkin is from the archived collection that was stored in the glove compartment of Mr.Slug's work vehicle for a few years. That car was recently cleaned out and this was one of the napkins found. For those of you who have followed Mr. Slugs adventures, this entry is a rare find, drawn before I began to write the date on the napkin in the lower left hand corner. The initails "BB" stand for Bun Bun, our beloved pet rabbit who used to live in the kitchen. She was very smart and knew how to toss her little toy back to you if you threw it to her. She was present for every peanut butter and jelly sandwich that went into Mr. Slug's lunch. This one's for you Bunski!)
Monday, September 6, 2010
GO DANCING! Yes, that is the only thing to do. Go dancing in circles. Very large circles. Circles so large that a slug needs to calculate the diameter of the circle, lest you get lost and cannot find your way back home to the center, and your dance partner, who is looking at you with two left optical tentacles as you spin around the dance floor wildly!
Have you ever wondered why slug trails are so circular and squiggly? It is because slugs know how to dance. (Cue the James Bond music, "You Only Circle Twice.") Now let's get to the meat of the matter:
Mr. Slug slid round and round. First he danced in very small circles. He made a silvery slug trail that was a mere 8 inches in circumference. He became disoriented from spinning around, so he stopped in his tracks to gain perspective. OK you slugs, here is your first puzzle: What is the diameter of the circle that Mr. Slug made?
Here is your first smarty slug clue: Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
8 inches = 22/7 Diameter
? inches = ?.....Diameter
(break it down one more time and you've got it!
Mr. Slug regained his composure and began to slide in very large circles. Our math hero is now quite lost and cannot find his way home, where his dance partner Mrs. Slug is waiting patiently. Mrs. Slug is now looking at Mr. Slug with two left optical tentacles as he circles her, the diameter of the circle being 9 feet. This is a very large circle, without your help, I doubt Mr. Slug will be able to get back to his wife, who is about to be asked to dance by a Mr. Goldtail. Please hurry with your calculation or Mrs. Slug may get covered with gold paint: What is the circumference of the circular slug trail Mr. Slug has drawn?
I am concerned that perhaps some of you slugs out there are needing a refresher course on the proper way to calculate this sort of problem, which involves the use of "pie" which can be approximated by 22/7 or 3 1/7. The circumference of a circle, then, is about 3 1/7 times the length of its diameter.
Here is a clue for you smarty slugs! Again, it's:
Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
I know this is not going to be an easy slime trail to follow for even the smartest of you smarty slugs. Rest assured that I am not having an easy time of it myself, which is why I am dragging you all down the primrose path with me, as a slug never slides alone. If your brain hurts, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the mantle!
If any of you get these two slimy questions correctly answered, I will give you a vacation from math questions until the mid-terms! Yippee!!!!!
Of course, you are free to comment on this situation without solving the puzzle. Mr Slug has found other creative ways out of a pickle without the need for exact calculation, therefore, your assistance is greatly valued even if it does not involve number rasping. Yippeee!!!! Let's dance!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Hey you slugs! Put on that sliding plate and grab your books! It's time to get ready to go back to school! In our last episode, Mr. Slug struggled with a particularly difficult math question. Much to Mr. Slug's surprise, many of you answered the math question correctly. Bravo to the victors! Mr. Slug would like to reward you with a ride to your next class on the big yellow schoolbus of knowledge. Please keep your mantles and tails inside the bus at all times.
Oh Goody! Today we have a particularly fast school bus driver, which may change the time of arrival to class. If the driver is very fast, we might even have time to nibble on some leaves before homeroom. Therefore, you will need to know the answer to the following math question:
How much time would you save by careening wildly around every corner for 100 miles at a sliding speed of 65 m.p.h rather than a more sane sliding speed of (...cue the music..."I can't slide") 55 m.p.h.?
I know there are some brilliant slugs out there who have already broken out the slide rule and calculator and are feverishly throwing down your comments and tapping on the desk waiting for the rest of the class to put down our pencils so you can wave your tentacles to get the teachers attention and be the first smarty slug to give us the answer. But wait, there's MORE!
How much further would you get if you got a wild hair up your mantle and jumped in the drivers seat, much to the surprise of your fellow classmate slugs who by now are squealing with delight, and hijacked the school bus, driving for 30 minutes at 65 M.P.H. rather than 55 m.p.h.?
Please record your answers in the comments section as you are now accustomed to doing. Please don't dilly dally, we have alot of road to cover!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Mr. Slug found himself feeling groggy in class the next day, and just as suspected, the teacher called a Pop Quiz on the class. The teacher said, "Sylvester Slug wanted to buy 4 basil leaves at his favorite vegetable stand. Sylvester slid across town at an average speed of 3 1/2 m.p.h. and covered a distance of 16 miles. How long did it take for Sylvester Slug to slide?"
Optical tentacles forward all you slugs! You have five minutes to solve the problem. Please use a number two pencil and use the comment section to record your answers.
Ready, Set, GO!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
In this episode, Mr. Rum Bottle rolls himself unsteadily up the gangway, boards the plane and attempts to meet up with two likely looking comrades, the Brothers Coca and Cola, who are a naturally sweet pair of frequent fliers and have no real desire to get mixed up with this bottle of potential trouble. The "Sky sliders" are seated in the exit row across from Mr. Rum Bottle. The group of slugs are feeling quite chipper and want to encourage the meeting of these bottled individuals sitting nearby. Stay tuned and keep that seatbelt tightened around your belly, as I think we might be in for a bit of turbulence during our flight!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Mr. Slug likes his vegetables, but even he has his moments of weakness when he will raid the refrigerator late at night, looking for some tempting treat to eat while he watches his special DVD collection that he bought on EBAY last month. It is every episode of Miami Mice ever made, all five action packed seasons, which have been cleverly and attractively packaged in a cream colored and textured alligator skin box. The only thing that would have made it even better would be if each CD were autographed with a claw print of Mr. Slug's favorite actor who plays "Elvis" in the popular long running television show.
When Mrs. Slug tried to Make Mr. Slug's lunch this fine morning, she was dismayed to find that there were very few lunch items from which to fashion a suitable noonday meal for her beloved mollusk. Mrs. Slug did what all good wives would do in this situation, she cobbled together a substitute lunch made of alternative ingredients! What a smart slug she is! Instead of bread, she put in some nice crackers. Instead of lettuce, she bagged a few frozen peas which would thaw nicely by lunchtime. Instead of an orange, she popped a few vitamin C tablets, which trickled noisily to the bottom of Mr. LunchBag, who was employed because Mr. LunchBOX was completely horrified by the entire business and hopped away in a huff, refusing to be associated with the alternate lunch plan!
Poor Mr. Slug. He has become a very spoiled slug who expects his lunch to look and taste a certain way, and this substitute fare did not cut the mustard as far as his palette was concerned. But who's fault was that I ask you, my dear readers, was it the fault of Mrs. Slug, who does her very best to accomodate the lunch needs of her loving husband slug? I say no, it was the fault of a certain late night snack attack by the very hungry and demanding belly of a certain Mr. Slug!
Your Honor, the defense rests.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It had been a terrific vacation but now it was time for Mr. Slug to put on his tie and go back to work. He had become spoiled on his cruise to the Bahamas, and found that it was hard to get back into the swing of waking up early for the daily battle. Mr Slug had become accustomed to sliding out of his stateroom, along the banister to the Lido Deck and straight to the salad bar, which was open all hours of the day and night for the guests enjoyment. "Ahhh, this is the life," thought Mr. Slug, as he made the most of his six days at sea. Mr. Slug enjoyed golfing, swimming and playing Baccarat in the ship casino. When it came time to disembark the ship, Mr. Slug found himself sliding very slowly and reluctantly down the gangway and back to his life as a working slug. Mr. Slug was now tanned and fit after his week of luxury! "Things are gonna change at work," thought Mr. Slug to himself. "All we have to eat at the office is soda and candy out of the machine. I think I will call a meeting to address this very serious situation." When Mr. Slug returned to the office on Monday morning, he sent summons to his top producing slimers that a meeting would be called to order immediately. The group of executive slugs met each other in the hallway, next to the food machine. The execs looked at Mr. Slug curiously, as he had never called a meeting outside of the closed doors of the executive slugroom. Mr. Slug said, "I have called you here today for a very serious threat to our productivity, this junkfood machine that spits out foods that slow us down and make us sleepy." Mr. Slug handed out a photo of a juicy looking rutebega to drive the point home. He began, " A slug is naturally tuned to eating large amounts of healthy greens all day long. The work day does not always allow for healthy choices on the slide. Just say no to heavily salted snack foods, they will shrivel a nice soft belly and decrease your overall productivity. For this reason, I have ordered the snack vending company to change our order to only the most succulent greens and tasty fruits and vegetables. I believe we will see an increase in our sales numbers almost immediately, which should help to defray the higher costs of the contents of this snack machine. All slugs in agreement will say Aye." Mr. Slug waited for a moment and was pleased with the overwhelming number of "Aye's" from his fellow businessslugs. Mr. Slug continued, "Think of what we can do, my fellow slugs, if all of our meetings start with a hearty meal? Gentleslugs, we have lot's of work to do now that I am back, and as far as I am concerned, it's officially CRUNCH TIME! Quick! Call the Chamber of Commerce! Let's let the entire business community know that this company has officially GONE GREEN!" A great amount of whooping and hollering could be heard throughout the halls that fine Monday morning, and the slugs were more productive, due to the new produce. More lettuce for everybody!!!! Wooohooo!!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
It certainly has been a very rainy and wet and busy week here at Slug's Rest! There has been so much to do in the course of a day, both slugs of the house have been working through the weekend so nothing gets left undone. The to-do list seems to grow daily with tasks. You may think you have gotten everything done, but one small, ridiculous detail gets overlooked and it becomes a huge ordeal! Why, just last night Mrs. Slug awoke with a start when she realized that she had forgotten to close the sunroof of her automatic sliding machine. She could hear the pouring rain outside, so she prodded Mr. Slug by poking him in the belly to wake him up. "Honey." "WHAT?!, What? What is it? Is everything OK?" Mr. Slug woke up from a very sound sleep. He was somewhat disoriented. "I think I may have left the sunroof open in the auto-slide," said Mrs. Slug.
Mr. Slug, being the gentleslug that he is, purposefully roused his tail from the warm bed and put on his robe to go outside.
Mr. Slug looked adorable in his red terrycloth robe as he vertured outside into the wild weather. It was pouring rain. The interior of the once pristeen auto-slide appeared to be fully soaked. The sunroof was a gaping maw, inviting the droplets to hit the leather seats. Mr. Slug was not amused, nor were the three stuffed animal friends that Mrs. Slug has riding around on her dashboard. These three 'friends' have been riding around with Mrs. Slug for years. They keep her good company on long drives and are better with directions than a GPS device. Besides, they are soft and snuggly. Allow me to introduce Messers. Wormy the green worm, Octy the speckled grey octopus, and Miss Jelly the demure and thoughtful jellyfish. The three friends were not amused and stared blankly at Mr. Slug as he closed up the vehicle. As Mr. Slug finished his midnight task, he shook his head and mumbled, as it was getting very late indeed. Then suddenly.....the sound of rain was replaced with a Crash! Rustle rustle! Bang! Apparently, there were dangerous critters roaming around in the bushes making unsettling noise! Mr. Slug was so startled that he reacted with wide eyed tentacles and slid quickly from the scene, back in the front door and up the banister back to bed, where it was warm and safe. "Was everything all right out there? I heard something outside," said Mrs. Slug. Mr. Slug replied, "Wormy, Octy and Jelly were very confused and upset, and whats more, there is some THING in the bushes, I think it is rather large and scary. Wormy Octy and Jelly are safe now that the vehicle is secure, but now I am rattled and I can't get back to sleep. Please hand me my earplugs." Mrs. Slug did as she was bade and rolled over to go back to sleep. "Goodnight sweetie." Ahhh, peace and quiet. All he could hear now was his own breathing, and then, the sound of a ships horn in the distance!. Mr. Slug finally drifted back into his very inventive and wonderful world of dreams, where he envisioned a sizeable cruise ship pulling into port to take him away from it all for a few fun filled days at sea. Let the confetti fly! Bon Voyage, Mr. Slug!!!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming. The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up." The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug. The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it. As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said. Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?" Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery. Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today, Mr. Slug woke up to an empty underwear and sock drawer. To make matters worse, all of his work suits are out at the cleaners and all he had to wear was a tatty old hooded sweatshirt and a tailsock that was too thin to consider wearing. Mr. Slug decided that he had too much to do at work to take the day off, so he pulled the hoodie over his mantle and slid to the office feeling inappropriately dressed but ready to face the stack of file folders and phone messages on his desk, as well as the expected snickers from his co-workers. Everything was going fine, until.....
Mrs. Slug received a call from Mr. Slug at lunchtime. Mr. Slug said that he was, "in a panic" and to bring him a suit, tie and wingtip tailshoe as soon as possible. He said quickly, "The head honchos are on the way to take the crew to a nice restaurant for a lunch meeting today. It figures that the bosses would pick today of all days. This sweatshirt smells like a gym."
Mrs. Slug knew that there were no clothes available, so she stopped by the nearest haberdasher and bought a new suit, tie, and the finest Egyptian cotton shirt money can buy. She then slid on over to the shoe store and purchased one very special Ferragamo tailshoe made of the softest Corinthian leather upper with a custom stacked heel that even comes with a nifty raised insert to help Mr. Slug look extra tall and important.
When Mrs. Slug arrived at the office, the group of businessslugs were arriving. Some of them were already in the elevator! Mrs. Slug took the stairs, er, handrail, and slid to the tenth floor as fast as she could slide. Mr. Slug was able to slide into his new suit quickly. The businessslugs were lined up in the hallway, waiting for Mr. Slug to join them. Mr. Slug filled the sink with water and soap and went for a quick swim. He dried himself off with the automatic hair dryer and slicked back his optical tentacles with water. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to make sure he had no spinach stuck in his rasp when he smiles. He straightened his new silk tie and smoothed the lines of his coat before saying to himself, "Mr. Slug, you handsome mollusk, you know you got it goin' on. I would sign a six figure contract with you, just because you look so good!" Mr. Slug slid to lunch with the group and gave a hearty flick of the tail back at his loving wife as he left to lunch.
The next day, Mr. Slug held a safety meeting. The topic for the day was, "A good businessslug will always have an emergency suit of clothes on hand for the unexpected meeting or executive lunch. Do not let yourself be caught without the proper threads for a surprise meeting. If you don't have a suit of clothes always on hand, at least have the sense to marry a loving and attentive wife who knows what you look best in and can get them for you in a pinch."
Mr. Slug celebrated with Mrs. Slug by buying her a new dress and an adorable strappy little tailsandal with a jeweled buckle before he took her out to the theater the following weekend. Mr. Slug certainly knows where his bread is buttered!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Mrs. Slug, in the meantime, had slid across the street to buy an ice cream and did not know the peril that her husband was in. She took a seat in the audience and began to hiss with the other theater goers as the antagonist began to thrust his sword at the tail of the hapless Captain, who was now being played by a very frightened and somewhat confused Mr. Slug. When Mrs. Slug realized that her beloved Captain was being attacked by the cruel and remorseless Ensign, she jumped up and said, "Zounds! Lay down thine scabbord and slide thine away! Leaveth mine husband alone!" The crowd loved this new twist, they hooted and yelled and went wild as Mrs. Slug entered the stage and proceeded to take hold of her husbands tail with her rasp. She swung him round and round, faster and faster, like a discus thrower. Once he reached maximum flight velocity, she let him go and he flew above the startled audience like a missile, his eyes wide with surprise and gladness, for he was now out of danger. He made a wide arc above the theater and came to rest on a red and white checkered blanket in the nosebleed section way in the back of the amphitheater on the grass where a sophisticated looking group of well-to-do slugs were watching the play and dining on a feast of basil leaves and champagne. One of them remarked, "Good show, old chap!" and went on munching on his leaf like nothing had happened. "Care for a nibble, Sir?" said another. The now proud actor brushed the dirt from his person, composed himeself and smiled broadly. "May my wife join us?" beamed Mr. Slug. "Your wife?" asked the slug with a flick of the tail and a heavy english accent, "Was that lovely creature your wife? Why, she is the greatest Slugsperean actress of all time!Your wife may join us only if she promises to give us her autograph!" Mr. Slug agreed to be the husband of a celebrity and they dined upon the fancy greens heartily throughout the remainder of the performance. You may ask, "What this tale of tails was all about?" Well, I am not sure myself. I just know that springtime is a good time to go to a live performance, ANY live performance, as I am quite sure there is bound to be one where you may purchase tickets, somewhere near you.
P.S. - Speaking of great acting roles, some of you may remember part of the wise and powerful Yogurt, who starred in the best Mel Brooks movie ever made, which, in Mr. Slug's opinion was Spaceballs. That funny little gold painted man pointed out that, "Even plain yogurt has a little culture."
Friday, April 9, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Mr. Slug is a very gentle, kind and proper slug, he rarely forgets a face. He makes a point to remember the names of his fellow businessslugs. He conducts himself with grace and charm, but sometimes he will trip over his own tail if he can't recall a name.
In this instance, Mr. Slug found himself in a dangerous position as he tried to guess the name of a rather intimidating executive that he met in the hallway of a large hotel where he was attending a convention. The executive was large and square-jawed, and his beady eye bore an invisible hole through everything it gazed upon. Mr. Slug was clearly intimidated and nervous, as he thought he recognized the face, but could not draw the name from his memory. The only thing that Mr. Slug did wrong was ask the question..."Are you the infamous Mr. Clampy?" asked Mr. Slug. The question was actually meant to impress, but it did the opposite thing. Mr. Slugs seemingly innocent question ruffled Mr. Car Battery Cable to the point of violence! He got all charged up when he heard the name of his rival competitor Mr. Clampy and chased Mr. Slug down the hall with his cord whipping wildly! Mr. Slug took off like a shot and was able to get a few paces ahead of the well dressed suit. Mr. Slug slid briskly around the next corner, and as luck would have it, straight into the open door of an elevator! Seeing his only chance for escape, Mr. Slug pushed the "close door" button as quickly as he could. Just as the doors were closing, Mr. Car Battery Cable stuck his snakelike head through the opening and grabbed Mr. Slug by the tail! Mr. Slug was able to free himself by releasing a large amount of slug slime from his belly, giving the imposing Mr. Cable the slip! The elevator doors closed! Mr. Slug was free and unhurt! Mr. Slug enjoyed the soothing saxophone sounds of the jazz elevator music on his way down to the conference rooms located in the basement of the skyscraper where his business meeting was about to begin! Before speaking to the large group of professional and well dressed attendees, he enjoyed a relaxing festive beverage and several nibbles of salad. After lunch, Mr. Slug stepped into the Men's room and made sure there were no bits of spinach on his rasp, straightened his tie and composed himself before sliding onto the podium to address the eager crowd of executives. He tapped the microphone lightly with his tail to see if it was working and cleared his throat before he began. A hush of silence fell about the room and he took a deep breath before he said, "A funny thing happened to me on the way here...." He did not mention any names while telling his story for fear of retaliation - just in case Mr. Cable happened to be present at the meeting. The moral of the story: "When in doubt, don't blurt it out."
Monday, March 15, 2010
What a weekend it was for Mr. Slug! He found himself busy working for much of Saturday and Sunday and arrived at the office very early this morning with a host of new accounts to process.
It seems as though business has been picking up all around the town this week, so Mr. Slug decided to call an impromptu mandatory meeting for all of his employees. He phoned every member of his department before the sun came up and told them that he has something of great import to discuss with each of them before the start of the business week. The team of sales slugs arrived on time and eager to hear what Mr. Slug had to say. The sales team was rewarded for being on time with a sumptous breakfast of spinach leaves and freshly brewed green tea or guava juice, which was well received by all slugs present.
An audible groan was heard as a box of tail protectors were opened and removed from the bubble wrap that the product was shipped in. Being a silly bunch of slugs, the team had fun popping the bubble wrap as they fitted their tails with the brand new tail protectors, which smelled a little "plasticky," from the off-gassing that you often get from factory-fresh oil based products.
Another large box was placed upon the boardroom table and out came a dozen pairs of new safety glasses, each with a special noseless bridge, modified especially for the anatomy of the common working mollusk. They came in four fun color choices: "Roasted Sienna," "Eggplant," "Chartruese," and "Golderod Summer."
The slugs dove into the box and each chose a pair that suited their mantle-tone.
Mr. Slug cleared his throat and the room quieted down very quickly. "First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing up on time with your name badges on. Please wear your safety equipment at all times while you are representing this firm, as we would like to show the buying public that we are a safety minded business. This new equipment will help to protect you when driving the company fleet vehicles. We have recently purchased four new Prius sedans for your sales appointments. Please be careful while driving them and be sure to jump or slide out the window if the vehicle appears to speed up all by itself without any provocation. We were able to obtain the vehicles at an excellent price! We like the "green" message they send to our customers, although we do realize that our sales team will need to take an extra measure of precaution to enjoy the benefits of the savings in fuel costs to our company. You may all be dismissed, now go out there and sell something! Go Team Sluggy!"
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Just three days ago, Mr. Slug was joyfully basking in the bright sun, wearing his tail sandal and a generous dollop of sunscreen on his sunkissed pate. When he slid out the door of Slug's Rest today, a very different weather pattern, in the form of a certain Mr. Rumblecloud, presented himself chest puffed out, in a threatening way. Mr. Slug said to the cloud, "My, you are looking very unstable and perhaps you are in need of some sort of counseling. I can give you the name of a doctor who can help you." The cloud looked at him darkly and replied, "I may be unstable, but I have direction, which is more than I can say for you slugs. Just look at those crazy goo trails you guys make. Besides, someone has to wash the sidewalk from time to time!" With this, Mr. Rumblecloud let out a torrent of hailstones and a crack of lightning lit the skies overhead! Mr. Slug retreated in terror as the hailstones turned to heavy rain! This madness sent Mr. Slug careening down the gutter and into the stormdrain, which, according to the painted sign next to it, leads directly to the sea! Mr. Slug tumbled and rolled his way through a long series of drainage tunnels which finally spit out the unfortunate mollusk through the big iron grates at the end of the drain in Nye Beach, Oregon. Once he realized where he was, he promptly exited the shoreline and took a seat at the infamous tourist hangout, "The Sandbar," where the nice bartender took pity on the sand covered slug and served him a nice hot toddy to warm his mantle, free of charge. He left the establishment feeling much better, but was still miles from home. He found some sea shells on the ground, used his slug goo to fuse them together and created some "beachy" looking artwork, which he put on consignment in the window of a local art gallery. The incredible artwork looked suitably trendy and sold almost instantly. He gave the art dealer his cut and used the remaining proceeds to pay for a limosine, a shiny black Lincoln Towncar. The driver asked the weary Mr. Slug where he wanted to go, and Mr. Slug said weakly, "There's no place like home." What is the lesson learned here? Mr. Slug says, "If you go outside unprepared, that is, without your tailsock and dare to challenge an ominous cloud to a verbal swordfight, be ready for a lightning fast rebuttal and a good soaking, because YOU asked for it! They may look innocent enough, wearing that sly smile, but Rumbleclouds are NOT to be trusted!!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I asked my Mr. Slug, "Hey - do you remember the episode where the aliens had a book that said, "To serve man" and it turned out to be a cookbook? Mr. Slug said, "Yes, I remember that episode." I pondered this for a minute, and replied, "I hope this plane is equipped with the necessary garnish, we will look much tastier that way."
Mr. Slug instinctively tightened his seatbelt around his tail just as the flight crew came by with the drinks tray. "Would you like a drink Sir?" asked the nice lady. "Yes, I would indeed." replied Mr. Slug. "Could I get a bag of those sluggy snacks and an extra napkin too? The napkin is for my wife, for she seems to have a very active imagination today. She likes to draw on napkins." The flight attendant looked at Mr. Slug with a twinkle in her eye as she took out a pepper shaker and began to sprinkle him liberally with the once expensive and rare spice. "There," she said, handing him a sprig of parsley, "you are now prepared for landing." (Cue the creepy Twilight Zone music do da doo doo do da doo doo)
By the way, kids, this is what happens when a references are made about looking "Too Oregonian." You get served on your way back in to the state!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The slugs decided that a trip to Los Angeles was in order, so they rounded up some boarding passes from the slugs favorite local airline, Horizon Air, a partner with the fabulous Alaska Airlines, proudly serving slugs living in the great Northwest territories.
They were sliding down the concourse to the plane when they heard an announcement over the intercom. "Paging Mr. Slug. Will Mr. Slug please pick up one of the white courtesy telephones." Mr. Slug located a white telephone and heard that he was about to miss the final boarding call for flight 8211 to Burbank Airport. All of the slugs in his party quickly made haste to the gate and left three slimy slug trails down the isle to their seats. They all made sure that seatbelts were securely fastened and that all carryon items were safely stowed in the overhead bins, or at their tails under the seat in front of them. WHIRRRRR! The engines roared to life, the plane taxied down to the runway and WHOOSH! They were off in the air, a flock of flying slugs! One of the slugs was scared when the landing gear made a rattle as it locked in to flight position. Once the plane leveled off, the drinks cart came down the aisle CLANKETY CLANK CLANK. Mr. Slug had coffee and the other slugs enjoyed a festive adult libation at no extra charge. This greatly pleased the slugs and one of them went to sleep immediately while the other two enjoyed the in-flight Alaska Air magazine crossword puzzle, which they were unable to solve because it was very difficult. Stay tuned for more of the exciting flight!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
It is all well and good that a hard working sales team can go out in public after a long day of negotiating and have an adult libation with dinner, but the libations should end withing a reasonable time after the dinner is eaten, if the celebrating takes place on a worknight.
Mr. Canopener received a call from his friends, a single, nervous sounding telephone call from a noisy payphone in the holding tank of the County Jail where the two scofflaws, Messrs. Lunchbox and his party cohort Mr. Thermos were lodged for the evening. Here is what Mr. Canopener learned from the call: They apparently went out after a successful day of work. Mr. Thermos got the signatures for a very large order of slug muzzles, went back to the hotel and promptly persuaded Mr. Lunchbox to "go out to a restaurant and celebrate." Mr. Lunchbox was pleased as punch that his protege had landed the account all by himself. "I shant deny you your moment of glory," said he, and they marched across the street to the local tavern and took two seats at the well worn bar. "I'll take three drinks, two for my friend and a double for me."
About two hours later, Mr. Lunchbox was dancing with a broom and Mr. Thermos was wearing a lampshade on his head with his tie wrapped around the top. The barkeep called the cops after Mr. Thermos hopped up onto the bar and started to twirl about in a wild and dangerous fashion. He lost his screw-on cap when he slipped on the olive tray, sending the now loosened cap hurtling through the air and out the door of the establishment, landing right in the backseat of the cop car, where the rest of him ended up alongside the whimpering and apologetic Mr. Lunchbox who pleaded pitifully for freedom, but to no avail. They were caught, red handled!
When Mr. Slug got the news from Mr. Canopener, he was rightly annoyed, but sympathetic as well. His two finest sales associates had been blowing off some steam, and at least they had only hopped across the street from the hotel and had not attempted to drive anywhere, much to their credit. They had, however, embarrassed themselves on a business trip, and for this they must be reprimanded. This is not the first occasion they have seen trouble! Remember what happened on New Years Eve! Mr. Slug has decided that he shall accompany the team on the next sales trip, and the only kind of celebrating they will do after landing a new account will be a nice game of Scrabble in the lobby of the hotel, and a cup of hot tea before bedtime! No lampshades were harmed in the filming of this movie.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Are you tired of the endless chatter of your fellow slugs? Do you wish that you had merely said nothing when asked a difficult question? Then gather round all you weary slugs! Mr. Slug has a new invention that will help to minimize sound pollution and add quality to your life! Keep your ears free to hear only the things you want to hear, while eliminating the incessant chatter of others. Wear one, and you won't have to say yes to time consuming volunteer activities. Not only that, you will be regarded as an intelligent and thoughtful slug who listens well. Give the slug muzzle to all your friends and enjoy a blissful day of solitude. Take a test drive in a new muzzle! Your complete satisfaction or your dollar will be returned. Order one today and you will receive a free gift with purchase, a new soft and fluffy tailsock to snuggle in while you enjoy your quiet nights at home with a library book. Listen to these testimonies given by slugs just like you: "I bought my first muzzle a week ago and now I am writing poetry and playing a harmonica every day." "I gave a muzzle to all my co-workers and now I can get my job jone in a timely manner. My boss gave me a raise!"
That's right friends, you can experience the benefits of your slug muzzle in just three easy payments of .37 cents, shipping and handling not included. Call now, and you can stop calling after it arrives! Hurry! Supplies are limited, but the words of other slugs are not!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Let's see how it could be useful to an everyday working slug:
Antagonist says, "Every time I pass by here, you're just sitting at your desk, staring into space. I think I better run over to management and let them know you are slacking in your duties."
Without the auto thinker response unit, you might just give the antangonist a blank look, thus fueling his ability to hurl further insult at you.
WITH the auto thinker response unit electrodes hooked up to the forehead of said sluggy victim, the scenario changes drastically. The insult would be quickly recorded and processed by the unit, and in less than 3 seconds, an intelligent and scathing remark will be returned to the antagonist, thus ending the volley of insults instantly. "Space, my dear fellow, is the final frontier, and this will be your final day to enjoy my fine company if you don't respect my personal space and slide outta here this instant. That is my final word on the subject. Do I make myself perfectly clear?" The antagonist slug will slink out of the room and find some other slug to bully.
With this new fabulous invention, Mr. Slug can help the the intelligent yet shy working slug to climb that company ladder to success! Bravo, Mr. Slug!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
In our last episode, trouble, no, let's make that "Trouble" with a capital "T," found our two foodservice employees in deep manure following a series of unfortunate events during the New Years holiday festivities. The price paid for such frivolity can be unexpectedly harsh, indeed.
It does not surprise me to see a spring in the hop of our heroes Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos. As you can plainly see, they are happy. (That's hapPy with a capital "P.") Why, you might think they had won the lottery! But no, what they have is much more valuable than mere euros or even a buffalo head nickel........They have received the greatest gifts in the world! (Cue the soundtrack music from the popular television show "The price is right" and add the voice of your favorite announcer Bob Barker.)
"Let's see what they've won! These two friends have the gift of freedom! This delicious freedom from a certainly lengthy incarceration at the County Jail is largely due to the generous donation to a certain bail bondsman, a check written from the desk of a certain Mr. Slug, who is, in his words, "lost without the help of his best two employees."
You see, Mr. Slug believes in giving a second chance if the character of the individual warrants a fair break. Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are rarely late, are always courteous and keep a clean tongue around the customers. When Mr. Slug received a call from jail, he did not hesitate to spring the two comrades at once. A smart businessslug keeps the best employees, even if they tend to "work hard and play hard" once in a while. Can we get a "whoop-whoop?"
Hurrah for Mr. Slug!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos were rounded up with a group of drunk slugs amid the chaos of the New Years festivities. This is their story and they are sticking to it:
Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos had used a cellphone to call a dial-a-ride service and were pleased when a big white van showed up so quickly to take them home. The rear doors were open wide and the nice attendants even helped them in and told them to take a seat toward the front. They fell asleep on the ride home......but they did not go home! They were rudely awakened by the sound of police whistles and voices telling them to exit the vehicle in a single file line....it was then that they realized it was a paddywagon filled with drunk and disorderly slugs who had been participating in the yearly "Sliding of the slugs" under the New Years Ball Drop in Times Square. The two scofflaws were handleprinted and booked along with the pointy hatted, rowdy and raucus slugs. Only a few hours had passed when Mr. Thermos decided to slip through the bars of the jail cell! He was the only prisoner thin enough to fit between them without scratching his flawless stainless steel outer shell, perfect for drinks both hot, and cold. The slugs might have been able to squeeze through as well, had they not been slow and puffy from a night of drinking.
Mr. Lunchbox was not happy about being left behind and voiced his displeasure loudly, which in turn alerted the guards to the AWOL prisoner. Mr. Thermos clanked down the hallway and shouldered past the guard to freedom! He promptly called a couple of wealthy Thermos friends who in turn paid the bail bondsman, thus Mr. Lunchbox was "sprung" shortly thereafter.
The brazen duo vowed to stay home and quietly watch the ball drop on TV next year.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New decade of tradition in the "Sliding of the Slugs." Don't try this unless the cameras are rolling.
Just like the famed running of the bulls in Pamplona, slugs have a tradition that they like to take part in every year. It is the sliding of the slugs in Times Square New York. You see, the slugs gather together at a local pub to "prime" themselves, then they don brightly colored hats and blow loud noisemakers and proceed to slide directly under the sparkly ball as it drops for the New Years Countdown. As you can see, this practice is dangerous and foolhardy, not to mention highly illegal! The local gendarme was not pleased to find a wild group of slugs under the ball once again this year! The policeslug blew his whistle! The slugs scattered in all directions as the ball began it's descent toward the tender tails. A paddy wagon was brought in to round up the slugs and take them to safety before any of them got squished. They were taken to the police station and tailprinted, booked and lodged for the evening.