Tuesday, March 30, 2010

An electrifying tale of big business - be careful what you say to competitors!

If you do not know the name of the individual you are speaking with, do yourself a favor and do not even try to guess! You are most likely incorrect, thus you will risk irritating them to the point of personal injury to yourself, and to innocent byslugsters.
Mr. Slug is a very gentle, kind and proper slug, he rarely forgets a face. He makes a point to remember the names of his fellow businessslugs. He conducts himself with grace and charm, but sometimes he will trip over his own tail if he can't recall a name. 

         In this instance, Mr. Slug found himself in a dangerous position as he tried to guess the name of a rather intimidating executive that he met in the hallway of a large hotel where he was attending a convention. The executive was large and square-jawed, and his beady eye bore an invisible hole through everything it gazed upon.  Mr. Slug was clearly intimidated and nervous, as he thought he recognized the face, but could not draw the name from his memory. The only thing that Mr. Slug did wrong was ask the question..."Are you the infamous Mr. Clampy?" asked Mr. Slug.  The question was actually meant to impress, but it did the opposite thing. Mr. Slugs seemingly innocent question ruffled Mr. Car Battery Cable to the point of violence! He got all charged up when he heard the name of his rival competitor Mr. Clampy and chased Mr. Slug down the hall with his cord whipping wildly! Mr. Slug took off like a shot and was able to get a few paces ahead of the well dressed suit. Mr. Slug slid briskly around the next corner, and as luck would have it, straight into the open door of an elevator! Seeing his only chance for escape, Mr. Slug pushed the "close door" button as quickly as he could. Just as the doors were closing, Mr. Car Battery Cable stuck his snakelike head through the opening and grabbed Mr. Slug by the tail! Mr. Slug was able to free himself by releasing a large amount of slug slime from his belly, giving the imposing Mr. Cable the slip! The elevator doors closed! Mr. Slug was free and unhurt! Mr. Slug enjoyed the soothing saxophone sounds of the jazz elevator music on his way down to the conference rooms located in the basement of the skyscraper where his business meeting was about to begin! Before speaking to the large group of professional and well dressed attendees, he enjoyed a relaxing festive beverage and several nibbles of salad.  After lunch, Mr. Slug stepped into the Men's room and made sure there were no bits of spinach on his rasp, straightened his tie and composed himself before sliding onto the podium to address the eager crowd of executives. He tapped the microphone lightly with his tail to see if it was working and cleared his throat before he began.  A hush of silence fell about the room and he took a deep breath before he said,  "A funny thing happened to me on the way here...." He did not mention any names while telling his story for fear of retaliation - just in case Mr. Cable happened to be present at the meeting.  The moral of the story:  "When in doubt, don't blurt it out."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sell, Sell, SELL!!!!! And don't stop! You guys look GREAT! You are a selling MACHINE!!!

What a weekend it was for Mr. Slug! He found himself busy working for much of Saturday and Sunday and arrived at the office very early this morning with a host of new accounts to process.
It seems as though business has been picking up all around the town this week, so Mr. Slug decided to call an impromptu mandatory meeting for all of his employees.  He phoned every member of his department before the sun came up and told them that he has something of great import to discuss with each of them before the start of the business week.  The team of sales slugs arrived on time and eager to hear what Mr. Slug had to say. The sales team was rewarded for being on time with a sumptous breakfast of spinach leaves and freshly brewed green tea or guava juice, which was well received by all slugs present.
An audible groan was heard as a box of tail protectors were opened and removed from the bubble wrap that the product was shipped in. Being a silly bunch of slugs, the team had fun popping the bubble wrap as they fitted their tails with the brand new tail protectors, which smelled a little "plasticky," from the off-gassing that you often get from factory-fresh oil based products.
Another large box was placed upon the boardroom table and out came a dozen pairs of new safety glasses, each with a special noseless bridge, modified especially for the anatomy of the common working mollusk. They came in four fun color choices: "Roasted Sienna," "Eggplant," "Chartruese," and "Golderod Summer."
The slugs dove into the box and each chose a pair that suited their mantle-tone.
Mr. Slug cleared his throat and the room quieted down very quickly. "First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing up on time with your name badges on.  Please wear your safety equipment at all times while you are representing this firm, as we would like to show the buying public that we are a safety minded business. This new equipment will help to protect you when driving the company fleet vehicles. We have recently purchased four new Prius sedans for your sales appointments. Please be careful while driving them and be sure to jump or slide out the window if the vehicle appears to speed up all by itself without any provocation. We were able to obtain the vehicles at an excellent price! We like the "green" message they send to our customers, although we do realize that our sales team will need to take an extra measure of precaution to enjoy the benefits of the savings in fuel costs to our company. You may all be dismissed, now go out there and sell something! Go Team Sluggy!" 

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why, that's just crazy-talk! I am not frightened by a bunch of water molecules

 Just three days ago, Mr. Slug was joyfully basking in the bright sun, wearing his tail sandal and a generous dollop of sunscreen on his sunkissed pate. When he slid out the door of Slug's Rest today, a very different weather pattern, in the form of a certain Mr. Rumblecloud, presented himself chest puffed out, in a threatening way. Mr. Slug said to the cloud, "My, you are looking very unstable and perhaps you are in need of some sort of counseling. I can give you the name of a doctor who can help you."  The cloud looked at him darkly and replied, "I may be unstable, but I have direction, which is more than I can say for you slugs. Just look at those crazy goo trails you guys make. Besides, someone has to wash the sidewalk from time to time!"  With this, Mr. Rumblecloud let out a torrent of hailstones and a crack of lightning lit the skies overhead! Mr. Slug retreated in terror as the hailstones turned to heavy rain! This madness sent Mr. Slug careening down the gutter and into the stormdrain, which, according to the painted sign next to it, leads directly to the sea! Mr. Slug tumbled and rolled his way through a long series of drainage tunnels which finally spit out the unfortunate mollusk through the big iron grates at the end of the drain in Nye Beach, Oregon.  Once he realized where he was, he promptly exited the shoreline and took a seat at the infamous tourist hangout, "The Sandbar," where the nice bartender took pity on the sand covered slug and served him a nice hot toddy to warm his mantle, free of charge.  He left the establishment feeling much better, but was still miles from home. He found some sea shells on the ground, used his slug goo to fuse them together and created some "beachy" looking artwork, which he put on consignment in the window of a local art gallery. The incredible artwork looked suitably trendy and sold almost instantly. He gave the art dealer his cut and used the remaining proceeds to pay for a limosine, a shiny black Lincoln Towncar. The driver asked the weary Mr. Slug where he wanted to go, and Mr. Slug said weakly, "There's no place like home."  What is the lesson learned here? Mr. Slug says, "If you go outside unprepared, that is, without your tailsock and dare to challenge an ominous cloud to a verbal swordfight, be ready for a lightning fast rebuttal and a good soaking, because YOU asked for it! They may look innocent enough, wearing that sly smile, but Rumbleclouds are NOT to be trusted!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Are we in the Twilight Zone? Could this be an episode of Iron Chef? You be the judge!

While we were flying back from LA, Mr. Slug said to me, "There's Some THING on the wing!" He was referring to that famous episode of the Twilight Zone where the future Captain Kirk of Star Trek is looking out the window and sees a hairy monster taking bites out of the wing, thus scaring him so bad he starts downing copious amounts of water along with handfulls of unbuffered asprin.
I asked my Mr. Slug, "Hey - do you remember the episode where the aliens had a book that said, "To serve man" and it turned out to be a cookbook? Mr. Slug said, "Yes, I remember that episode." I pondered this for a minute,  and replied, "I hope this plane is equipped with the necessary garnish, we will look much tastier that way."
Mr. Slug instinctively tightened his seatbelt around his tail just as the flight crew came by with the drinks tray. "Would you like a drink Sir?" asked the nice lady. "Yes, I would indeed." replied Mr. Slug.  "Could I get a bag of those sluggy snacks and an extra napkin too? The napkin is for my wife, for she seems to have a very active imagination today. She likes to draw on napkins."  The flight attendant looked at Mr. Slug with a twinkle in her eye as she took out a pepper shaker and began to sprinkle him liberally with the once expensive and rare spice. "There," she said, handing him a sprig of parsley, "you are now prepared for landing." (Cue the creepy Twilight Zone music  do da doo doo do da doo doo)

By the way, kids, this is what happens when a references are made about looking "Too Oregonian." You get served on your way back in to the state!