Sunday, May 23, 2010

Spring cleaning means making a clean getaway!

Mrs. Slug enjoys a clean home. She likes to have the dishes done, the lettuce put away and the coats hung up neatly in the closet.  Mr. Slug is also a rather fastidious slug who prefers a sense of order to his castle. All of his electric tools for keeping his steel belly sliding plates in good order are out in the garage, hung on special hooks to keep them dry and in working condition, where he can find them easily without asking his wife where she saw them last.  "Honey, where is my Phillips Sluggydriver?" Mr. Slug will ask as the weather begins to improve at Slug's Rest. "In the garage, on the hook where I shall hang you next time you ask me that question," replies Mrs. Slug while busily attending to removing the cobwebs from the ceiling by sliding up the wall with her tail curled around a damp towel.
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming.  The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up."  The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug.  The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it.  As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said.  Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?"  Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery.  Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"


Owen said...

Sounds like there was some serious suction occurring there ! Glad to hear none of the slugs present got sucked into the maw of the monster... as it could have had a clogging effect on the filters of the newly acquired glorious gadget.

Greetings to all at Slug's Rest... a squeaky clean Slug's Rest at that.

But on second thought, did the new vacuum cleaner come with the special attachment for suctioning up slug slime off of any surface, horizontal or vertical ??? I hope so...

And believe it or not, my Word Verification here is : "hosit", which I think is the name of that special attachment, which squirts water with slime dispersant solution over the slime trails, before sucking them up into disposable slime collecting bags...

Snowbrush said...

Look, you know how I feel about the supernatural, but if a vacuum had done that to me, I would have assumed that that sucker was possessed, and it and my exacto knife would have had a parlay.

You and your old man sound like the wife and me about cleanliness.

Jo said...

I love your blog. The whole world should find you. Just be sure you and Mr. Slug stay away from the salt.

Snowbrush said...

"Just be sure you and Mr. Slug stay away from the salt. "

Good point. I read just this week that 100,000 American lives A YEAR could be saved if we cut back on our salt intake. And, of course, you and Mr. Slug have a genetic intolerance that makes salt even more dangerous to those of your persuasion.

Owen said...

Paging Mrs Slug !

An all points sluggetin has been put out for Mrs Slug... If you should spot anyone resembling her description, do not try to apprehend her, she should be considered charming but extremely slippery, as are most slugs in good health...

Paging Mrs Slug...

(This message was brought to you by slug-blog-fans-anonymous or SBFA)

babbler said...

(tap tap) "Is this microphone working? excellent. Ahem." (clears throat) "Mrs. Slug here, reporting for duty Sir. It is my understanding that my presence has been requested for a briefing here at the Rest." (rustling sound) Would the members of the SBFA please stand on your tails for the flag salute." (more rustling, feedback from microphone)
"I have been attending a variety of executive functions this week, I am back, and you have my undivided attention as well as my thanks for some great comments here! It is wonderful to be back at the Slug's Rest specially designed floor height solid oak conference table, where we have provided a pitcher of fresh water at each of your seats should any of you fine slugs need hydration.
Thank you for calling this meeting to order." (clapping) "Let me begin by stating that it was a particularly dangerous week, and our crew did an exemplary job of wrangling some expensive machinery in a situation which had gone out of control. Please put your optic tentacles togther and give them some love." (clapping)
"I will address my fellow businessslugs in the order seated here at the table." (silence)
"Owen: We utilized the powerful suction to our advantage and avoided being inhaled by the aggressor, much to our relief. The filters are delicate, as is our tender slug dermis! Thanks for sending the special "hosit" attachment, it has been tested with success on the unit and shall be sent to the Gulf Coast at once." (clapping)
"Mr. Snowbrush:
You will be happy to know that the presence of Mr. Slugs exacto knife was instumental throughout the melee with the antagonist, he wielded the exacto with fearless confidence which caused the crazed machine to keep a safe distance. Please give Mr. Slug a round of applause." (clapping, whistles) "Thank you Mr. Snowbrush for your acknowledgement." (more clapping, hooting, sound of spoons clinking on glasses)
It seems that the internet has indeed brought the whole world to Slug's Rest, we appreciate your kind comments and hope that you might take some Slug's Rest advertising materials with you to any other businessslug meetings you might attend this week. You never know where your next batch of fresh greens are coming from! Of course, the greens shall remain salt free, as Mr. Snowbrush points out, many slugs lives would be saved if slugs would make the choice to slide away from excess salt on the belly. Let's hear it for Jo!" (clapping, sound of water glass knocking over on table)
"In conclusion, I would like to thank the SBFA and all affiliate members for attending todays meeting, I hope to hear from all of you again very soon. Thank you Owen, for keeping the minutes of this meeting." (gavel sounds) "I thank you again and wish you all a productive and happy sliding day! Now go out there and slide! (applause) "Meeting adjorned."

Owen said...

Ah... dear Mrs Slug, most charming of slug hostesses, a monumentally powerful presentation !

You see, just the slightest glimmer of a gleam of slug slime of your fine and most highly refined quality puts a wag in my tail and bounce in my slide for weeks on end... it is so good of you to appear so magically after being paged by the SBFA.

And I think you are right, not only should we send all available vacuum cleaners with their hosit attachments to the gulf coast, but all snails, slugs, and other mollusks should also depart rapidly, sliding quickly, to take up duty along the coast, as slug slime is the greatest know oil absorber and dispersant known to the world, and would surely be more effective than these awful synthetic dispersants being used in huge quantities with unknown side effects.

In the meanwhile, slide proudly, and our most elegant greetings to yourself and Mr Slug, and all the other slugs of Slug Rest and the SBFA members...

jefhcardoso said...

Incredible story of the couple of slugs obsessed with organizing and cleaning! The suspense with the arrival of the new vacuum cleaner was intense and seductive. I love to visit the couple Slug.

Thank you for visiting my blogst!

Jefhcardoso do Brasil.

Mike Starring said...

This was almost totally a "salt"!