Thursday, January 28, 2010

"You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a muzzle"

Are you tired of the endless chatter of your fellow slugs? Do you wish that you had merely said nothing when asked a difficult question? Then gather round all you weary slugs! Mr. Slug has a new invention that will help to minimize sound pollution and add quality to your life! Keep your ears free to hear only the things you want to hear, while eliminating the incessant chatter of others. Wear one, and you won't have to say yes to time consuming volunteer activities. Not only that, you will be regarded as an intelligent and thoughtful slug who listens well. Give the slug muzzle to all your friends and enjoy a blissful day of solitude. Take a test drive in a new muzzle! Your complete satisfaction or your dollar will be returned. Order one today and you will receive a free gift with purchase, a new soft and fluffy tailsock to snuggle in while you enjoy your quiet nights at home with a library book. Listen to these testimonies given by slugs just like you: "I bought my first muzzle a week ago and now I am writing poetry and playing a harmonica every day."  "I gave a muzzle to all my co-workers and now I can get my job jone in a timely manner. My boss gave me a raise!"
That's right friends, you can experience the benefits of your slug muzzle in just three easy payments of .37 cents, shipping and handling not included. Call now, and you can stop calling after it arrives! Hurry! Supplies are limited, but the words of other slugs are not!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

An illuminating thought is a bright idea

Today, Mrs. Slug took her Mr. Slug to have a nice bowl of steaming won-ton soup from a local Chinese restaurant. At the end of the luncheon, two fortune cookies were served to the two satisfied diners, along with the check. Mr. Slug opened the package and split the crispy confection in half, revealing the small paper fortune inside the cookie. He looked at it with great interest - it seemed to speak directly to him! Mr. and Mrs. Slug raced home and began to finish one of Mr. Slugs pet projects. He has invented an "Auto-thinker instant response unit," a machine that most every slug will find useful when they cannot think of anything to say.  Let's suppose a fellow slug insults you, and you are unable to make that snappy comeback that would save your self respect and dignity. With Mr. Slugs new machine, you will never have a loss of words. The auto response will kick in and say the pefect thing!

Let's see how it could be useful to an everyday working slug:

Antagonist says, "Every time I pass by here, you're just sitting at your desk, staring into space. I think I better run over to management and let them know you are slacking in your duties."

Without the auto thinker response unit, you might just give the antangonist a blank look, thus fueling his ability to hurl further insult at you.

WITH the auto thinker response unit electrodes hooked up to the forehead of said sluggy victim, the scenario changes drastically. The insult would be quickly recorded and processed by the unit, and in less than 3 seconds, an intelligent and scathing remark will be returned to the antagonist, thus ending the volley of insults instantly.  "Space, my dear fellow, is the final frontier, and this will be your final day to enjoy my fine company if you don't respect my personal space and slide outta here this instant. That is my final word on the subject. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"  The antagonist slug will slink out of the room and find some other slug to bully.

With this new fabulous invention, Mr. Slug can help the the intelligent yet shy working slug to climb that company ladder to success! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Please stay in your seats, we will not turn off the seatbelt signs for a year

Tears flow freely from Mr. Slug as he bids an emotional farewell to his holiday friend Ms. Eggnog, who is leaving sometime this week or next for a holiday of her own, which will last until next Thanksgiving in November. Most of Ms. Eggnog's associates have disappeared from the shelves of grocery stores and roadside markets, causing panic buying and hoarding of the popular dairy product. For this reason, Ms. Eggnog has hired a bodyguard and driver to make it to the airport without incident. Ms. Eggnog realizes the importance of teaching the youngsters all about the time honored traditions. She will be visiting a nutmeg farm to teach a group of raw eggs how to grow up right and become the most desired and upstanding members of the refrigerated community, standing tall with shoulders sqaure and proud while they await puchase from excited and happy customers! Lives lived to the fullest, and satisfied bellies full of  'nog!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Working is better than the best day in jail

In our last episode, trouble, no, let's make that "Trouble" with a capital "T," found our two foodservice employees in deep manure following a series of unfortunate events during the New Years holiday festivities. The price paid for such frivolity can be unexpectedly harsh, indeed.

It does not surprise me to see a spring in the hop of our heroes Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos. As you can plainly see, they are happy. (That's hapPy with a capital "P.") Why, you might think they had won the lottery! But no, what they have is much more valuable than mere euros or even a buffalo head nickel........They have received the greatest gifts in the world! (Cue the soundtrack music from the popular television show "The price is right" and add the voice of your favorite announcer Bob Barker.)
"Let's see what they've won! These two friends have the gift of freedom! This delicious freedom from a certainly lengthy incarceration at the County Jail is largely due to the generous donation to a certain bail bondsman, a check written from the desk of a certain Mr. Slug, who is, in his words, "lost without the help of his best two employees."
You see, Mr. Slug believes in giving a second chance if the character of the individual warrants a fair break. Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are rarely late, are always courteous and keep a clean tongue around the customers. When Mr. Slug received a call from jail, he did not hesitate to spring the two comrades at once. A smart businessslug keeps the best employees, even if they tend to "work hard and play hard" once in a while. Can we get a "whoop-whoop?"
Hurrah for Mr. Slug!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

America, land of the brave, home of the free ride to jail!

Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos were rounded up with a group of drunk slugs amid the chaos of the New Years festivities. This is their story and they are sticking to it:
Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos had used a cellphone to call a dial-a-ride service and were pleased when a big white van showed up so quickly to take them home. The rear doors were open wide and the nice attendants even helped them in and told them to take a seat toward the front. They fell asleep on the ride home......but they did not go home! They were rudely awakened by the sound of police whistles and voices telling them to exit the vehicle in a single file was then that they realized it was a paddywagon filled with drunk and disorderly slugs who had been participating in the yearly "Sliding of the slugs" under the New Years Ball Drop in Times Square. The two scofflaws were handleprinted and booked along with the pointy hatted, rowdy and raucus slugs. Only a few hours had passed when Mr. Thermos decided to slip through the bars of the jail cell! He was the only prisoner thin enough to fit between them without scratching his flawless stainless steel outer shell, perfect for drinks both hot, and cold. The slugs might have been able to squeeze through as well, had they not been slow and puffy from a night of drinking.
Mr. Lunchbox was not happy about being left behind and voiced his displeasure loudly, which in turn alerted the guards to the AWOL prisoner. Mr. Thermos clanked down the hallway and shouldered past the guard to freedom! He promptly called a couple of wealthy Thermos friends who in turn paid the bail bondsman, thus Mr. Lunchbox was "sprung" shortly thereafter.
The brazen duo vowed to stay home and quietly watch the ball drop on TV next year.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New decade of tradition in the "Sliding of the Slugs." Don't try this unless the cameras are rolling.

Just like the famed running of the bulls in Pamplona, slugs have a tradition that they like to take part in every year. It is the sliding of the slugs in Times Square New York. You see, the slugs gather together at a local pub to "prime" themselves, then they don brightly colored hats and blow loud noisemakers and proceed to slide directly under the sparkly ball as it drops for the New Years Countdown. As you can see, this practice is dangerous and foolhardy, not to mention highly illegal! The local gendarme was not pleased to find a wild group of slugs under the ball once again this year! The policeslug blew his whistle! The slugs scattered in all directions as the ball began it's descent toward the tender tails. A paddy wagon was brought in to round up the slugs and take them to safety before any of them got squished. They were taken to the police station and tailprinted, booked and lodged for the evening.