Sunday, February 13, 2011

I might need to cut down on smiling this month it is getting expensive

"Gather round all you slugs hiding in the bushes with the winter doldrums! Mr. Slug has invented another exciting device that is guaranteed to make you smile!" 

The director of the commercial Mr. Slug  just yelled, "Cut" and it is a wrap. The director has informed Mr. Slug that the new Slugginator 3000 commercial will be aired alongside disaster documentaries and reality television shows.

The Slugginator 3000 has surpassed all sales records for January and promises to be the hottest ticket in town. Mr. Slug has cleverly housed the revolutionary device inside of an enormous warehouse space which used to be the site of a disco dance club in the older section of downtown Portland Oregon. The creation of his exclusive club allows him to accomodate the largest number of slugs possible for a profitable return on his initial investment.

The news media was at the club last night and interviewed Mr. Slug about this latest new health and fitness craze. "Automated Tail Wagging is sure to surpass Pilates, Spinning and Zumba in fitness popularity. Once the tail begins to wag, the slugs suddenly wish to dance. After a vigorous and happy tail wag,  a slug can produce a great amount of slime which will help the slug to more effectively 'slide the night away' under the glittering mirror ball and thumping speakers."

Outside of the building, slugs are lined up around the block for a quick change in disposition. The line of slugs has gotten so long, in fact, that celebrity slugs have been known to slide to the front of the line on expensive stretch limosine belly sliders, demanding immediate entrance to the wonder machine. "Don't you know who I am?!" the celebrity slugs say, then they flash a bit of lettuce to the doorman and he lets them in.

Arguments between the everyday working slugs and celebrity slugs waiting in line behind the velvet rope have gotten quite ugly, so Mr. Slug has decided to level the playing field. He shall require each slug in line to recite a limerick or Haiku before granting a ticket for admittance. Even Lady Ga Ga would not be able to get in without a snappy poem to present to our doorslug, not even if she was dressed in her best yolk while hiding inside of a sizeable sweat inducing plastic egg, not even if said egg was carried by scantily dressed and fashionably shoulder implanted valets. One wonders if she had good cellphone reception in there, I suppose she could always call her caterers and have a Haiku or limerick cooked up at once and sent over in a pink cakebox for Mr. Slugs approval......However,  Mr. Slug might not let her in if he found that the limerick had no rhyme or the Haiku had no reason.

That's right, no slug or egg yolk shall be allowed admittance to the tailwagging club without the aforementioned limerick/Haiku requirement. Call it poetic justice if you will.

If you are a slug who would like to gain entrance to the exclusive Tailwagger's Ball, please submit your best limerick or Haiku for inspection by Mr. Slug's friendly staff in the form of a comment! Please keep your optical tentacles behind the line and make sure you have no holes in your tailsock.


Snowbrush said...

I trust that he will include a provision in small print to the effect that no warranties are expressed or implied. It can come right after the part about how his new invention will cure all ailments, make you beautiful, and add decades to your life.


The Slugginator 3000 certainly sounds interesting :-)

Take care and have a nice day :-)


Owen said...

Dear Mrs & Mr Slug,
First of all :

There once was a slug with a blog
As snug as a bug in a log
All the readers were mollusks
Who all loved to frolic
And they all lived quite high on the hog

Well, it's not haiku, but could limericks count for entry ?

In any case, please do stop by to see what I just posted tonight, it is absolutely for you !

Bobbi said...

Haha. I found you on old geezers blog. I like the part on your about me - where you hose Mr. Slug down. lol.

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All the best, Bob West