Adventures of Mr. Slug and friends

Keep a safe distance from the dancefloor when you see a twirling canopener!

2011-10-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug has been SOOOOO busy lately! He is needing to employ his good friends Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener for help with his latest business venture, which involves taking water samples and testing them for purity. It is a very time consuming job, which will take most of the day. He will certainly require a nutritious lunch at the mid-day.
Mr. Slug used his new laptop computer to email his best employee, Mr. Lunchbox and sent a carbon copy of the same to Mr. Canopener. In the missive he requested that the two be up and ready for the days work, stocked and ready for duty with his favorite lunch repast at approximately 6:00 in the morning. The reply he got from the two reads as such:
"Dear Mr. Slug, employer extra-ordinaire,
We hope this email finds you well. Both myself and Mr. Canopener regret to inform that we have a previous engagement at the television studio tomorrow and cannot work for you. We have been chosen as the celebrity guests of "Dancing with the jars," and have been awarded a healthy stipend for our appearance on the show. We hope you are able to find a temporary replacement for us while we are out on the dancefloor of fame and fortune.
             We remain, your most obediant servants,
             Mssrs. Lunchbox and Canopener, stars of stage and screen.

Mr. Slug read this letter with shock and amazement. He did not know that they had been practicing during the period of unemployment over the summer, and was stunned by the sudden unavailability of his two favorite employees. "What ever shall I do?" muttered Mr. Slug to himself. "I suppose I must go it alone and make the best of things while they have fun dancing. I shall employ the services of Mr. Lunchbag, even though he is somewhat unreliable and loose of tongue.
Off to work they went, Mr. Lunchbag trailing closely behind the hard working mollusk. They completed the samples efficiently and went to the lunchroom at breaktime. Over in the corner, a TV set was providing backround noise for the diners, when suddenly, the music changed to a snappy sounding salsa beat with the contestants of the popular show "Dancing with the Jars" swirling gracefully across the dancefloor! "Look! It's Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener! They are doing so well! Look at 'em go!" Indeed, the dancers were the finest contestants the show had ever seen. They hopped and spun about with effortless movement, dipped and swayed boldly in front of the judges like they had been dancing all of their lives. What an upset! The two former foodservice employees from coastal Oregon took the grand prize! All of the other celebrities shook their heads in disappointment as they congratulated the two victors.
During the commercial break, Mr. Slug offered Mr. Lunchbag a full time position until the two return from Hollywood. "Why Mr. Slug!" said the stunned paper product, "I never thought you would ask! Hey, why don't we go out for a quick tipple to celebrate my new job after work, I know of a nice watering hole we could visit on the slide home." Mr. Slug was leery, but agreed to go. On the way home, the two stopped for some suds at a place called "The Twisted Tentacle." It was a small establishment, with a long counter and red diamond tuck swivel barstools. The employer and his new employee toasted to the new job. Then they toasted to each others health. Then they toasted the continued cloudy weather, Mr. Slug's Irish Grandmother and to the continued success of Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener as dancers. By the time they were done toasting, they needed to call a taxi, which they did. On the ride home, Mr. Lunchbag, who was now double bagged, began to talk to the driver. "Hey, mishter! do you like dansching?" The driver looked in his rear view mirror, grimaced, and said, "I don't like the way you look. Say one more thing, and I am stopping right here." Mr. Slug tried unsuccessfully to get his new employee to stay quiet. The driver stopped the taxi and opened the door. "Get outta my cab, have a nice slide home."
Oh my! Mr. Slug and Mr. Lunchbag were in a spot - they need to be at work in a few hours and they aren't even home yet! Mr. Slug decided to make an executive decision and turn around to go back to work instead of going home. They found a nice pile of leaves to sleep under until morning. At least they were on time for work!
The next day in the lunchroom, the TV was on again, and there were a new set of dancers on the Dancing With The Jars show. "Where are Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener?!"
         Just then, the two celebrities walked into the break room, wearing slick new gold colored suits and tap shoes asking "Did you miss us?" Mr. Slug said, "Did I ever! We were out celebrating your victory last night and got in to a bit of trouble. I hope we have learned our lesson, eh, Mr. Lunchbag?" Mr. Lunchbag looked at Mr. Slug and winked at his employer with a very red eye. "Mr. Slug, with all due respect, if I can find myself a dance shoe that fits my attractively boxy figure, I'm going to Hollywood too!" With that, Mr. Canopener twirled violently and said, "You! Lunchbag! You come with me! We go to Brazil to dance! Wheeeeee!!".....And off they went to catch the next Boeing 787 Dreamliner loaded with 288 other slugs out of the country.
The moral to this story: Not only is it hard to find good help that will refrain from acting on impulse, it is even harder to find something approproate to wear on the dancefloor if you are oddly shaped.

It's a whacky world, or, "Rolling for hollers"

2011-08-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Today, Mr. Slug decided to be a useful slug and get some chores done around the house at Slug's Rest. Fall is quickly approaching, and slugs everywhere are getting ready for the long and wonderfully wet Oregon winter. The weeds have grown so tall that the dandelions are beginning to look like palm trees from Mr. Slug's point of view. Might be time to mow the grass and spruce the place up. "But first," thought Mr. Slug, "we must have the proper tool for the job." Mr. Slug slid around the grounds for a bit, taking stock of the enormous job that lay before him. He headed back toward the open kitchen window. The scent of a freshly baked blackberry pie cooling on the windowsill wafted across Mr. Slugs snout, which made him glad to be home on such a lovely day in the fragrant and windless late summer air. "Honey, I will be outside in the garage if you need me," Mr. Slug smiled broadly as he shouted over his shoulder to Mrs. Slug.

It had been a long time since Mr. Slug had been the garage to look for anything, there were stacks of boxes and unfamiliar tools strewn about the place. He flicked on the bare light bulb overhead, which cast an eerie shadow over all of the forgotten belongings. Over in the darkest recesses of his garage, Mr. Slug spied a very strange looking gentleman with a long set of whiskers and a sinister look to his eye. This particular chap looked like trouble, so Mr. Slug proceeded with caution and tried to be pleasant as he started to back away from the menacing and scary individual.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked the stranger. Mr. Slug was not sure how to answer this question, being that it is his house and he did not recall sending out any invitations to any sticks with whiskers.

Suddenly, he heard a click and a whir and the smell of gasoline filled his gills, making him feel woozy. The stranger's whiskers were whizzing about in circles and the stick-like figure buzzed to life! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZ! BZZBZZZBZZZZ! Mr. Slug backed away and slid for his life, knocking over boxes and sending piles of books flying everywhere. "Aghghgh," yelled Mr. Slug as he slid behind his beloved old unicycle with the flat tire, putting the spokes between him and his attacker.

Mrs. Slug heard the commotion and came to the rescue wielding a very large rolling pin in one tentacle and a cellphone in the other. "You leave my husband alone or I will call the snails!" Mrs. Slug released the rolling pin in the direction of the interloper. The weedwacky lunged and darted left and right, but Mrs. Slug's aim was true and quite effective! KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! KEKEKEKEKEBowwwwww...........click. Silence. Then a pathetic whimper came from under the pile of books. Mrs. Slug's quick thinking trapped one of the whiskers in the roller of the pin, dislodging it from the lawn care tool and effectively rendering the weedwacky useless. "That is what you get for scaring my dear husband!" Mrs. Slug said to the now harmless stick. The weedwacky gathered up what was left of his mangled handlebar mustache and borrowed Mrs. Slugs' cellphone to call the Mrs. to pick him up from the corner mini-mart.

What is the lesson we learn from this event, you ask?

Number one: If you are a menacing weedwacky device, make sure you are equipped with plenty of green plastic string so you can be menacing for hours. The minute you lose that string, your done. I hate it when that happens.

Number two: If you plan to do yardwork, make sure your beautiful and clever wife is present somewhere on the property, you never know when you will run in to trouble with a garden implement and need the help of a wifely tentacle!

Number three: Husbands everywhere heed this warning from your wives - don't let the weedwhacker become a stranger! Gentlemen, start your engines!

You won't believe this until you see it with your own optical tentacles! Rare slug golf photos!

2011-05-26T01:06:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug gets ready to address the ball.....Shhhh!!!

The green on the 9th hole, a very difficult shot with trees, sand trap and water hazard.

It takes great concentration to play golf, as you can see by the look on this gentleslug here.

One of the most difficult sections, a dogleg over the lake. Hit the ball with all the tentacle you've got!

Mr. Slug says, "Get the ball on the green and use your skills you learned on the miniature golf course. You will enjoy the game more if you play it well and with style!"

I hope you have enjoyed your tour of Mr. Slugs favorite business pastime! Go get em!

By the way, this series of photos are meant to be viewed with the previous post, so slide on down to see the technique that Mr. Slug uses to hit a golf ball without the need for those pesky arms that just get in the way of a flawless game. See you at the clubhouse!

A golf ball is dimpled because it is smiling at you!

2011-05-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

All work and no play makes a very dull slug with a light wallet. Mr. Slug uses the game of golf as a tool to get to know his clients better, thus, selling more of his inventions than he would sitting behind a desk nibbling spinach all day long. Mr. Slug is depicted here giving a golf lesson to a collegue. In order to hit the ball, one must address it properly. Slugs have an advantage on the golf course as they have a firm footing and a keen optical tentacle. They follow all of the usual rules of etiquette, no crossing in front of another golfer with a slime trail, no talking while the optical tentacle is in motion. Slugs are natural golfers and enjoy the wide open space, the rolling heath, the wondrous fairways. Mr. Slug says, "Sometimes my worst day of golf is my best day for sales. I really ought to play more often!"
Recently, some photographs were taken of actual slugs on a golf course near Slug's Rest. Every effort was taken not to disturb the game. Please stay tuned for history in the making as we take you to the Masters Tournament at Sluggle Beach Golf Course in Oregon!

Reading text while eating is like texting and driving....don't do it!!! Also, if you own an "icky blue pen," get rid of it!!!

2011-05-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

Occaisionally, Mr. Slug will have a nibble while studying his school books. He tries to watch what goes in, but sometimes he gets so wrapped up in the subject that he will find he has literally mowed a path through the garden without even stopping to see what he has eaten. Today was one of those perfect days, bright sun, light breeze and the scent of spring flowers in the air. It was a perfect day to study outside, so a rolling cart was prepared for his rather hefty text, and a napkin was tied neatly about the chin. This method of eating and reading simultaneously works very well for slugs, as they can slide effortlessly as they nibble, absorbing fantastic amounts of knowledge in to the brain as it receives much needed nourishment along the way. Unfortunately, Mr. Slug was not watching where he was going. He began to pick up some speed down a hill, but was so distracted by his book that he did not notice the loose bricks laying on the ground. Suddenly, Mr. Slug felt a very heavy sensation in his belly! He had a very difficult time turning himself around and dragging his heavy schoolbook back up the hill. Lucky for Mr. Slug, the lawnmower was sitting at the edge of the yard, so he fired it up and drove himself to the slugspital, where he received quality treatment and a lecture from the good doctor on the dangers of reading while eating.!! Thank you for not being as thick as a brick.

Special rare slug alert: ***For those of you slug historians who are interested, this undated "blue ink on Brawny" napkin is another one of those rare documents that was lost for a time in the glove box of Mr. Slugs ancient Slugburban 8 cylinder sliding vehicle. It is a brown vehicular conveyance which was the daily slider for Mr. Slug to get to work for many years. He cleaned out all of the trash one day and found a large handful of rare and quite valuable slug napkins, some of which were water damaged and blurry due to the delicate blue ink which they were drawn with. Once it was determined that a pen like that is death to a slug napkin, it was no longer employed. The napkin you see here is one of the best preserved of the napkins of this vintage, so enjoy it and savor it for there are not too many of these "icky blue pen" slug napkins left in the entire world.

'Round the world in eighty ways, or "Dizzyness 101"

2011-04-01T00:49:00.000-07:00

This morning started off the same as many others, Mr. Slug got up and took a shower, then patted some lubricant on his belly, brushed his rasp and set off to find his adventure for the day. As he slid down the driveway and out to the street, he met the mail slug who was placing the morning's post in the mailbox. "What do we have here?" he replied as he flipped his tail through the mail. "It's my grades for the winter term!! I must see what I got!" Mr. Slug ripped open the letter to find that he had more A's than any other grades. "Yippee!!!" "Yahoo!!" Mr. Slug danced around on his tail as if he was a child slug again. "I feel so great today, I think I will treat myself to something special!" Mr. Slug was giggling with delight as he headed down the highway to an amusement park in Oregon called Enchanted Village. He had never been there before and decided that today would be the day that he would pay his admission and see if it would change his life. The turnstile clicked noisily as he made his way toward the colorful ferris wheel, lights ablaze! The ride was filled to capacity with other young slugs who are on spring break, going round and round until they were dizzy and disoriented and deliriously happy slugs. They are slugs who are not in class, slugs taking tests, slugs whose snouts are buried in a book titled "Sludge and You - making the best of a sticky situation." No, these were unbridled slugs, young and free, going round and round without a care in the world, and Mr. Slug quivered with anticipation to be able to board the ride with them and squeal to his hearts content! He cared not that he is a fully grown adult slug with a business to run, or that he has homework next week when the new term starts. No, Mr. Slug decided then and there that he shall live a brand new life with this newly informed brain full of technical information and hope for the future! A new life with FUN in it! YES!!! It is Mr. Slug's turn to slide in to the ferris wheel seat and RIIIIIDE!! WHEEEE!!! Mr. Slug went round and round, round and round. After awhile,Mr. Slug started to feel a bit queasy so he got off the ride and ate his box lunch that he purchased from his favorite restaurant, the Slug and Lettuce, with many locations near you (if you happen to live in London..) It was getting dark, so Mr. Slug bid farewell to all of his new friends and went home to go to sleep. Tomorrow, he will wake up to a new adventure. That's it. A new day. I bet you thought this story would lead somewhere. It did! Mr. Slug had fun. Mr. Slug found out that the day can be whatever you want it to be! Some of you smart slugs in business school may have guessed it already...This is just one big AD for ADventure!

I might need to cut down on smiling this month it is getting expensive

2011-02-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

"Gather round all you slugs hiding in the bushes with the winter doldrums! Mr. Slug has invented another exciting device that is guaranteed to make you smile!"

The director of the commercial Mr. Slug just yelled, "Cut" and it is a wrap. The director has informed Mr. Slug that the new Slugginator 3000 commercial will be aired alongside disaster documentaries and reality television shows.

The Slugginator 3000 has surpassed all sales records for January and promises to be the hottest ticket in town. Mr. Slug has cleverly housed the revolutionary device inside of an enormous warehouse space which used to be the site of a disco dance club in the older section of downtown Portland Oregon. The creation of his exclusive club allows him to accomodate the largest number of slugs possible for a profitable return on his initial investment.

The news media was at the club last night and interviewed Mr. Slug about this latest new health and fitness craze. "Automated Tail Wagging is sure to surpass Pilates, Spinning and Zumba in fitness popularity. Once the tail begins to wag, the slugs suddenly wish to dance. After a vigorous and happy tail wag, a slug can produce a great amount of slime which will help the slug to more effectively 'slide the night away' under the glittering mirror ball and thumping speakers."

Outside of the building, slugs are lined up around the block for a quick change in disposition. The line of slugs has gotten so long, in fact, that celebrity slugs have been known to slide to the front of the line on expensive stretch limosine belly sliders, demanding immediate entrance to the wonder machine. "Don't you know who I am?!" the celebrity slugs say, then they flash a bit of lettuce to the doorman and he lets them in.

Arguments between the everyday working slugs and celebrity slugs waiting in line behind the velvet rope have gotten quite ugly, so Mr. Slug has decided to level the playing field. He shall require each slug in line to recite a limerick or Haiku before granting a ticket for admittance. Even Lady Ga Ga would not be able to get in without a snappy poem to present to our doorslug, not even if she was dressed in her best yolk while hiding inside of a sizeable sweat inducing plastic egg, not even if said egg was carried by scantily dressed and fashionably shoulder implanted valets. One wonders if she had good cellphone reception in there, I suppose she could always call her caterers and have a Haiku or limerick cooked up at once and sent over in a pink cakebox for Mr. Slugs approval......However, Mr. Slug might not let her in if he found that the limerick had no rhyme or the Haiku had no reason.

That's right, no slug or egg yolk shall be allowed admittance to the tailwagging club without the aforementioned limerick/Haiku requirement. Call it poetic justice if you will.

If you are a slug who would like to gain entrance to the exclusive Tailwagger's Ball, please submit your best limerick or Haiku for inspection by Mr. Slug's friendly staff in the form of a comment! Please keep your optical tentacles behind the line and make sure you have no holes in your tailsock.

Sir, your crazy machine malfunctioned and got soap in my mouth. I want a refund!

2011-01-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

Slugs Rest was all in a thither this morning due to one certain slug who insists upon taking a verrrrr-r-r-r-y long shower and using up all of the hot water. When Mr. Slug slid in to the shower and was greeted with a shockingly C-c-c-cold stream of water, he realized that there might be a market for his newest invention, a washing station for slugs! This idea is not new, however, a standard car wash is too abrasive for a soft bellied slug. The newer brushless carwash will still give a slug a set of pink stripes on his flanken steak.
Mr. Slug feels strongly that his "slide in, suds up and slide out" franchise will become all the rage, once the local slugs realize that they no longer have to wait for siblings to finish up in the bathroom in order for them to get going in the morning.
Mr. Slug is daydreaming, illusions of granduer sparkle in his eyes......"I can see it now, the Scrub-a dub-dubs will be located nextdoor to coffee kiosks and supermarkets across the land! Long lines of stinky slugs will be cleaned up and looking slick for work, thus increasing productivity in the workplace. I, the great and clever Mr. Slug will be invited to speak at wealth building seminars and college graduation ceremonies! I can hardly wait!!!"
Oh my....it looks like Mr. Slug will HAVE to wait until Mrs. Slug finishes up. She is busy taking a shower and poor Mr. Slug hasn't finished the prototype yet...........This could take awhile!

Nog, Nog! Who's there?........Nobody! Hope you have enjoyed my stay!

2011-01-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all of Mr. Slugs fellow sliders!!! It is always exciting to greet a fresh new year with enthusiasm and verve, but alas, there is one event that Mr. Slug has to face in the month of January that is perhaps even more painful than his customary "better late than never" late post of Christmas cards, sent on the 26th of December.......

Please note the unbidden tear eminating from Mr. Slugs sad eye....he is about to say goodbye to his favorite holiday visitor, the Holiday Carton of Eggnog! She has packed her bags, squared her jaw, and snapped her purse shut in preparation for a long vacation, away from the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Mr. Slug is concerned that the only eggnog left in the stores in a few days will be the short dated, bloated looking cartons of "flavored" eggnog, such as the pumpkin spiced or vanilla, or worse yet, the eggnog made of soy milk or the "reduced fat" variety. Oh, the horror!

Mr. Slug puts some bite into his business plans!

2010-12-22T23:31:00.000-08:00

Yay! Its winter break and Mr. Slug is using his vacation time for the development of a new invention, which will be of great monetary help to pay for the large and imposing stack of textbooks he will need for the next school term.

The idea was hatched during last months flight over the country. He looked out upon the rolling heath below and thought to himself, "I wish I had a faster way to complete my morning routine, which has become mundane and boring. I need a fantastic new way to start the day.....Hmmmm......If only I had a machine that would assist me like that farm implement down there in the field, I could get out the door and to class more quickly....Hmmmm....

Mr. Slug began working on the blueprint to his new machine as the holiday season kicked in. He interviewed shoppers in the isles of stores in his neighborhood and soon learned that many slugs do not spend enough time brushing the rasp, (also known as a tooth).

Mr. Slug has a dentist which he is going to visit on Monday morning. If the dentist finds that Mr. Slug has not been doing a good job of diligent oral hygiene, Mr. Slugs dentist will smile at him menacingly and say quietly, "You only need to brush the tooth you want to keep." It is a very intimidating and uncomfortable thing to hear.

Thus, Mr. Slug has been busy in preparation for said dental event. Drum roll please...."Introducing the New Auto-Tooth 100!" Mrs. Slug is assisting Mr. Slug in a demonstration of the machine today, and it seems to be doing the job beautifully. Just a dab of spinich paste on the brush, a flick of the switch, and you are off to the races with a rasp so clean, your wife can see her reflection in it!

"Bravo Mr. Slug! I'll take two!"

This thing is escalating out of control!

2010-11-24T04:15:00.000-08:00

Mr. Slug has been in school learning all kinds of new things! Today he was inspired to reach for the clouds, but first he made a quick slide to the hardware store to pick up a few things:
1) A very long spool of kite string.
2) Two kites, unassembled, with adjustable tails in festive colors.
3) One large, industrial strength weather balloon.
4) One TSA full body scanner
5) One carryon bag with a dozen 3oz bottles of water

After gathering the necessary materials for his experiment, Mr. Slug stopped by the public library to read about other brave balloon aviators who have made the journey, so he could get an idea of what to expect. Mr. Slug found that there had been many balloon pilots in the past who had made the mistake of flying too high, where the air is too thin and has no oxygen. One can only imagine what happened to those hapless souls. Mr. Slug promised Mrs. Slug that he would be careful as his insurance will not cover this type of thing should he miscalculate the finer details of the flight.

Mr. Slug took off from the launch pad with the help of his three assistants at precisely 5:00pm. The aircraft went straight up and caught the breeze, which was moving him in a South Easterly direction at 4 miles per hour. At about 6:30 pm, Mr. Slug was famished and landed his contraption in a cow pasture, much to the delight and amazement of the wide-eyed and mooing heifers. Mr. Slug released the helium from the balloon and folded the kites for storage in his backpack. Mr. Slug was proud of himself for his excellent preparation, and wagged his tail as he smiled broadly at the cows. Just then, the farmer who owns the cows came running up to the scene and said, "What's going on over here? I thought I saw a UFO!" Mr. Slug kindly introduced himself and announced that he was not an unidentified flying object, he has his identification card right here if anyone needs to see it. The farmer shrugged and said, "Long as you ain't no alien, I reckon I won't hav'ta shoot 'ya." Mr. Slugs tummy growled audibly. The farmer asked him, "Didja eat?" Mr. Slug said no. "Well, I got me some nice collards down yonder, make yerself at home." When Mr. Slug was finished nibbling, the farmer offered him a ride back to Slug's Rest. They climbed aboard the tractor and headed home at a speed of 10 miles per hour. Cars were lined up and honking behind them. The tractor continued without increasing speed, at 10 miles per hour. Mr. Slug was happy with his progress and was blissfully unaffected by the rude waves and gestures and yelling from the passing vehicles. By the time Mr. Slug got home, it was exactly 7:00 pm. Mr. Slug had spent so much time with his new friend, he started to get a new accent. "Here we are Mr. Farmer, much obliged fer the lift! I promise to bring the missus on over fer supper sometime!" He tipped his optical tentacle forward as if it were a Stetson hat and headed indoors to his loving slimy mate. Mrs. Slug was so happy to have Mr. Slug back, safe and sound.

For future excursions, Mr. Slug needs to know what his total travel miles were so that he may write it in his logbook. Therefore, I present my fellow slugs with the following conundrum:

How far away is the launchpad from Slug's Rest?

How far away is the farm with the delicious collard greens?

Please help Mr. Slug with his calculations before he is forced to send himself back through the TSA scanner and get frisked by someone other than Mrs. Slug!!!!

Looking for a home is called "homework!"

2010-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

When we last saw Mr. Slug, he was flying through the air with the greatest unease, mostly because he did not do enough careful research before launching his aircraft. He has decided that he needs more college classes to help him gain a more complete base of knowledge when it comes to dealing with the chemicals used in his inventions. Tonight, Mr. Slug has his optic tentacles buried deep in a technical book entitled, "Wastewater and you." Mrs. Slug is especially proud of his recent acheivements in the air, and hopes that this latest decision to go back to school will help unravel the mystery of breaking down the solid matter that is present in lumpy water.
Unfortunately, this college is far away from Slug's Rest. Mr. Slug decided he would need to throw his books in a backpack and set off for school to find a room to let for the semester. He bought himself a low cost $200.00 belly sliding plate that would protect his tender dermis from the harsh freeway concrete for the 3 hour drive to school. When he was about a mile from school, he went door to door looking for an affordable room. He came across a fellow snail, but the room was much too small, so he kept looking. After three days of sleeping under bushes, he finally found a nice slug who would share a fully furnished apartment with him. The slug has graciously offered to feed Mr. Slug some leftover leaves, as it is hard to finish an entire stalk by yourself without feeling overstuffed. Mr. Slug is very grateful for the opportunity to go back to school, and he has become a studying machine, capable of leaping tall textboks in a single slide!
In the meantime, Mr. Slug will be running his company while between classes, via a tailtop computer. All of his employess will be in constant contact with him during the school year. Mrs. Slug is in charge of the accounting and the books. She will also oversee the day to day operations of Slug's Rest and will make all important executive decisions in his absence. Mr. Canopener will be handling all of his toughest vendors, while Mr. Lunchbox will be mostly doing sales trips with his business partner Mr. Thermos. Mrs. Slug has advised all employees to stay productive and out of trouble during this important phase of development. Without the increased knowledge, Mr. Slug feels that the firm could fall behind and become obsolete. He has encouraged training classes for everyone once he finishes his initial school terms and earns his slugwater degree. Forward sliding is more essential than ever before, we are in a world of increased sludge and goo. Lets hope they all hold down the fort so Mr. Slug can get some studying done!
Please turn off your television set and open a book, for we all have something new to learn. There will be a quiz for you coming in the next couple of weeks, please have your pencils ready, a scratch paper and calculator will be permitted.

May Day! May Day! ...........Sometime today!

2010-09-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug has invented a new flying device! The "Bubble to Air Conversion Lifter" is worn snugly on the mantle and held on to with the foot. A simple flick of the optical tentacle engages the ON switch and allows a slug to fly effortlessly through the air!

How does this thing work you ask? I will tell you, but be patient, it is highly technical jargon and you must pay close attention:

Flight is achieved by the use of a pressurized cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds: Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum foam, a material so light that it floats on water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder. These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the usual steel outer casing.

To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop, they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground and into the air!

Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena, California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media. Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all systems are GO!

"10...9.8.7.6....5.4. Launch has been delayed for the technicians to repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9...8...7...6....5....4...3..2...1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!

WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one.

Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! The control room erupts into a fury of high fives and applause! Suddenly, the sound of a crackling voice comes over the monitor. It is Mr. Slug trying to acheive radio contact with ground control. "Mr. Slug to ground control. Please come in. May Day - May Day!" He sounds concerned. The entire room goes quiet as Mr. Slug continues, "The flight is going fine, but I may have overlooked one small detail before launching....How do we turn this thing off so we can land??!" (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)

As this is an experimental vehicle, the SPL engineers are perplexed and need your help! Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:

To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of slime is to be added for every pound of volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L, how many pounds of slime should be added?

If any of you slugs you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately! Mr. Slug is depending on you for a smooth landing!! Hurry!!!

(Please note: This particular slug napkin is from the archived collection that was stored in the glove compartment of Mr.Slug's work vehicle for a few years. That car was recently cleaned out and this was one of the napkins found. For those of you who have followed Mr. Slugs adventures, this entry is a rare find, drawn before I began to write the date on the napkin in the lower left hand corner. The initails "BB" stand for Bun Bun, our beloved pet rabbit who used to live in the kitchen. She was very smart and knew how to toss her little toy back to you if you threw it to her. She was present for every peanut butter and jelly sandwich that went into Mr. Slug's lunch. This one's for you Bunski!)

Math is not a dance in the park

2010-09-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug has been working so hard on his math schoolwork that his poor brain feels somewhat mushy from the numbers that are floating around in his memory as he tries to sleep at night. Mrs. Slug has suggested he listen to some soothing music before bedtime, but this plan has backfired as he ends up even more tired from all of the activity both day and night. What is a poor slug to do?
GO DANCING! Yes, that is the only thing to do. Go dancing in circles. Very large circles. Circles so large that a slug needs to calculate the diameter of the circle, lest you get lost and cannot find your way back home to the center, and your dance partner, who is looking at you with two left optical tentacles as you spin around the dance floor wildly!
Have you ever wondered why slug trails are so circular and squiggly? It is because slugs know how to dance. (Cue the James Bond music, "You Only Circle Twice.") Now let's get to the meat of the matter:

Mr. Slug slid round and round. First he danced in very small circles. He made a silvery slug trail that was a mere 8 inches in circumference. He became disoriented from spinning around, so he stopped in his tracks to gain perspective. OK you slugs, here is your first puzzle: What is the diameter of the circle that Mr. Slug made?
Here is your first smarty slug clue: Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
                                      8 inches = 22/7 Diameter
                                      ? inches =    ?.....Diameter
                        (break it down one more time and you've got it!

Mr. Slug regained his composure and began to slide in very large circles.  Our math hero is now quite lost and cannot find his way home, where his dance partner Mrs. Slug is waiting patiently. Mrs. Slug is now looking at Mr. Slug with two left optical tentacles as he circles her, the diameter of the circle being 9 feet. This is a very large circle, without your help, I doubt Mr. Slug will be able to get back to his wife, who is about to be asked to dance by a Mr. Goldtail. Please hurry with your calculation or Mrs. Slug may get covered with gold paint: What is the circumference of the circular slug trail Mr. Slug has drawn?

I am concerned that perhaps some of you slugs out there are needing a refresher course on the proper way to calculate this sort of problem, which involves the use of "pie" which can be approximated by 22/7 or 3 1/7. The circumference of a circle, then, is about 3 1/7 times the length of its diameter.

Here is a clue for you smarty slugs! Again, it's:

Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter

I know this is not going to be an easy slime trail to follow for even the smartest of you smarty slugs. Rest assured that I am not having an easy time of it myself, which is why I am dragging you all down the primrose path with me, as a slug never slides alone. If your brain hurts, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the mantle!

If any of you get these two slimy questions correctly answered, I will give you a vacation from math questions until the mid-terms! Yippee!!!!!

Of course, you are free to comment on this situation without solving the puzzle. Mr Slug has found other creative ways out of a pickle without the need for exact calculation, therefore, your assistance is greatly valued even if it does not involve number rasping. Yippeee!!!! Let's dance!

Fish travel in schools, slugs travel in style!

2010-08-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

Hey you slugs! Put on that sliding plate and grab your books! It's time to get ready to go back to school! In our last episode, Mr. Slug struggled with a particularly difficult math question. Much to Mr. Slug's surprise, many of you answered the math question correctly. Bravo to the victors! Mr. Slug would like to reward you with a ride to your next class on the big yellow schoolbus of knowledge. Please keep your mantles and tails inside the bus at all times.

Oh Goody! Today we have a particularly fast school bus driver, which may change the time of arrival to class. If the driver is very fast, we might even have time to nibble on some leaves before homeroom. Therefore, you will need to know the answer to the following math question:

How much time would you save by careening wildly around every corner for 100 miles at a sliding speed of 65 m.p.h rather than a more sane sliding speed of (...cue the music..."I can't slide") 55 m.p.h.?

I know there are some brilliant slugs out there who have already broken out the slide rule and calculator and are feverishly throwing down your comments and tapping on the desk waiting for the rest of the class to put down our pencils so you can wave your tentacles to get the teachers attention and be the first smarty slug to give us the answer. But wait, there's MORE!

How much further would you get if you got a wild hair up your mantle and jumped in the drivers seat, much to the surprise of your fellow classmate slugs who by now are squealing with delight, and hijacked the school bus, driving for 30 minutes at 65 M.P.H. rather than 55 m.p.h.?

Please record your answers in the comments section as you are now accustomed to doing. Please don't dilly dally, we have alot of road to cover!

Attention 101: pre-requisite course of study for all advanced classes

2010-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

Recently, Mr. Slug has expressed a desire to expand his horizons and go back to school. This has been a very difficult decision to make as he is already a very busy businesslug and fitting classes into the executive schedule seems almost impossible. Mrs. Slug has encouraged this momentus decision and has enjoyed opening up the math book on the dining room table of late, doing math problems while nibbling a bowl of greens with her husband slug. She noticed he was very tired and sent him to the sleeping chamber early because Mrs. Slug knows that he is liable to have a Pop Quiz at class.

Mr. Slug found himself feeling groggy in class the next day, and just as suspected, the teacher called a Pop Quiz on the class. The teacher said, "Sylvester Slug wanted to buy 4 basil leaves at his favorite vegetable stand. Sylvester slid across town at an average speed of 3 1/2 m.p.h. and covered a distance of 16 miles. How long did it take for Sylvester Slug to slide?"

Optical tentacles forward all you slugs! You have five minutes to solve the problem. Please use a number two pencil and use the comment section to record your answers.

Ready, Set, GO!

I should have stayed out of school.......the conclusion of the 4 part lecture series!

2010-07-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

The slugs have all spent a night in the pokey and are now free to continue their vacation, but first, they have been ordered by the court to go to sliding school! Let this be a lesson to all of you slugs out there who do not consider the cause and effect of overindulgence while traveling by means of public transportation. I know it is your vacation and that you are expecting to have a good time, but please remember to slide responsibly or this could happen to you! Oh the horror!

When you're on a roll, nothing can stop your forward progress!

2010-07-06T00:27:00.000-07:00

About an hour in to the flight, things started getting really out of hand. The bottles were rolling up and down the isles and the authorities were notified to meet the plane where the slugs and bottles were all taken into custody upon arrival to the gate.

There is no place to hide on an airplane

2010-07-06T00:21:00.000-07:00

As you can see, the slugs have introduced Mr. Rum Bottle to the two brothers, Coca and Cola, who are now begininning to feel a bit tipsy. The slugs have had a "few too many," and have attracted the flight attendant, who is not at all pleased with the disruptive behavior.

Some things should remain in a glass by itself!

2010-07-06T00:13:00.000-07:00

Summer is a time for vacationing slugs to buy an airline ticket headed to a favorite destination. This past week, a group of slugs decided to cut loose and fly to Los Angeles, California for some good old fashioned Fourth of July fun in the sun! This particular group of slugs like to work hard, and play hard. They call themselves the "Sky sliders" and go to a different locale together every year. They are an unruly bunch of slugs, giggling as they take their seats. When the drinks cart rolls by, they will not be the ones ordering coffee and working on the crossword puzzle - they are the slugs who are planning to start the festivities the minute the airplane levels off at a cruising altitude.
In this episode, Mr. Rum Bottle rolls himself unsteadily up the gangway, boards the plane and attempts to meet up with two likely looking comrades, the Brothers Coca and Cola, who are a naturally sweet pair of frequent fliers and have no real desire to get mixed up with this bottle of potential trouble. The "Sky sliders" are seated in the exit row across from Mr. Rum Bottle. The group of slugs are feeling quite chipper and want to encourage the meeting of these bottled individuals sitting nearby. Stay tuned and keep that seatbelt tightened around your belly, as I think we might be in for a bit of turbulence during our flight!

Sometimes you just gotta "make do"....or in this particular court case, it's a "make don't"

2010-06-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug likes his vegetables, but even he has his moments of weakness when he will raid the refrigerator late at night, looking for some tempting treat to eat while he watches his special DVD collection that he bought on EBAY last month. It is every episode of Miami Mice ever made, all five action packed seasons, which have been cleverly and attractively packaged in a cream colored and textured alligator skin box. The only thing that would have made it even better would be if each CD were autographed with a claw print of Mr. Slug's favorite actor who plays "Elvis" in the popular long running television show.

When Mrs. Slug tried to Make Mr. Slug's lunch this fine morning, she was dismayed to find that there were very few lunch items from which to fashion a suitable noonday meal for her beloved mollusk. Mrs. Slug did what all good wives would do in this situation, she cobbled together a substitute lunch made of alternative ingredients! What a smart slug she is! Instead of bread, she put in some nice crackers. Instead of lettuce, she bagged a few frozen peas which would thaw nicely by lunchtime. Instead of an orange, she popped a few vitamin C tablets, which trickled noisily to the bottom of Mr. LunchBag, who was employed because Mr. LunchBOX was completely horrified by the entire business and hopped away in a huff, refusing to be associated with the alternate lunch plan!

Poor Mr. Slug. He has become a very spoiled slug who expects his lunch to look and taste a certain way, and this substitute fare did not cut the mustard as far as his palette was concerned. But who's fault was that I ask you, my dear readers, was it the fault of Mrs. Slug, who does her very best to accomodate the lunch needs of her loving husband slug? I say no, it was the fault of a certain late night snack attack by the very hungry and demanding belly of a certain Mr. Slug!

Your Honor, the defense rests.

A "Rutebega Awakening" or, "Burp me you fool" - it's your choice!

2010-06-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

It had been a terrific vacation but now it was time for Mr. Slug to put on his tie and go back to work. He had become spoiled on his cruise to the Bahamas, and found that it was hard to get back into the swing of waking up early for the daily battle. Mr Slug had become accustomed to sliding out of his stateroom, along the banister to the Lido Deck and straight to the salad bar, which was open all hours of the day and night for the guests enjoyment. "Ahhh, this is the life," thought Mr. Slug, as he made the most of his six days at sea. Mr. Slug enjoyed golfing, swimming and playing Baccarat in the ship casino. When it came time to disembark the ship, Mr. Slug found himself sliding very slowly and reluctantly down the gangway and back to his life as a working slug. Mr. Slug was now tanned and fit after his week of luxury! "Things are gonna change at work," thought Mr. Slug to himself. "All we have to eat at the office is soda and candy out of the machine. I think I will call a meeting to address this very serious situation." When Mr. Slug returned to the office on Monday morning, he sent summons to his top producing slimers that a meeting would be called to order immediately. The group of executive slugs met each other in the hallway, next to the food machine. The execs looked at Mr. Slug curiously, as he had never called a meeting outside of the closed doors of the executive slugroom. Mr. Slug said, "I have called you here today for a very serious threat to our productivity, this junkfood machine that spits out foods that slow us down and make us sleepy." Mr. Slug handed out a photo of a juicy looking rutebega to drive the point home. He began, " A slug is naturally tuned to eating large amounts of healthy greens all day long. The work day does not always allow for healthy choices on the slide. Just say no to heavily salted snack foods, they will shrivel a nice soft belly and decrease your overall productivity. For this reason, I have ordered the snack vending company to change our order to only the most succulent greens and tasty fruits and vegetables. I believe we will see an increase in our sales numbers almost immediately, which should help to defray the higher costs of the contents of this snack machine. All slugs in agreement will say Aye." Mr. Slug waited for a moment and was pleased with the overwhelming number of "Aye's" from his fellow businessslugs. Mr. Slug continued, "Think of what we can do, my fellow slugs, if all of our meetings start with a hearty meal? Gentleslugs, we have lot's of work to do now that I am back, and as far as I am concerned, it's officially CRUNCH TIME! Quick! Call the Chamber of Commerce! Let's let the entire business community know that this company has officially GONE GREEN!" A great amount of whooping and hollering could be heard throughout the halls that fine Monday morning, and the slugs were more productive, due to the new produce. More lettuce for everybody!!!! Wooohooo!!

Staying in bed, cruising on your pillow is always the best choice!

2010-06-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

It certainly has been a very rainy and wet and busy week here at Slug's Rest! There has been so much to do in the course of a day, both slugs of the house have been working through the weekend so nothing gets left undone. The to-do list seems to grow daily with tasks. You may think you have gotten everything done, but one small, ridiculous detail gets overlooked and it becomes a huge ordeal! Why, just last night Mrs. Slug awoke with a start when she realized that she had forgotten to close the sunroof of her automatic sliding machine. She could hear the pouring rain outside, so she prodded Mr. Slug by poking him in the belly to wake him up. "Honey." "WHAT?!, What? What is it? Is everything OK?" Mr. Slug woke up from a very sound sleep. He was somewhat disoriented. "I think I may have left the sunroof open in the auto-slide," said Mrs. Slug.
Mr. Slug, being the gentleslug that he is, purposefully roused his tail from the warm bed and put on his robe to go outside.
Mr. Slug looked adorable in his red terrycloth robe as he vertured outside into the wild weather. It was pouring rain. The interior of the once pristeen auto-slide appeared to be fully soaked. The sunroof was a gaping maw, inviting the droplets to hit the leather seats. Mr. Slug was not amused, nor were the three stuffed animal friends that Mrs. Slug has riding around on her dashboard. These three 'friends' have been riding around with Mrs. Slug for years. They keep her good company on long drives and are better with directions than a GPS device. Besides, they are soft and snuggly. Allow me to introduce Messers. Wormy the green worm, Octy the speckled grey octopus, and Miss Jelly the demure and thoughtful jellyfish. The three friends were not amused and stared blankly at Mr. Slug as he closed up the vehicle. As Mr. Slug finished his midnight task, he shook his head and mumbled, as it was getting very late indeed. Then suddenly.....the sound of rain was replaced with a Crash! Rustle rustle! Bang! Apparently, there were dangerous critters roaming around in the bushes making unsettling noise! Mr. Slug was so startled that he reacted with wide eyed tentacles and slid quickly from the scene, back in the front door and up the banister back to bed, where it was warm and safe. "Was everything all right out there? I heard something outside," said Mrs. Slug. Mr. Slug replied, "Wormy, Octy and Jelly were very confused and upset, and whats more, there is some THING in the bushes, I think it is rather large and scary. Wormy Octy and Jelly are safe now that the vehicle is secure, but now I am rattled and I can't get back to sleep. Please hand me my earplugs." Mrs. Slug did as she was bade and rolled over to go back to sleep. "Goodnight sweetie." Ahhh, peace and quiet. All he could hear now was his own breathing, and then, the sound of a ships horn in the distance!. Mr. Slug finally drifted back into his very inventive and wonderful world of dreams, where he envisioned a sizeable cruise ship pulling into port to take him away from it all for a few fun filled days at sea. Let the confetti fly! Bon Voyage, Mr. Slug!!!

Spring cleaning means making a clean getaway!

2010-05-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Slug enjoys a clean home. She likes to have the dishes done, the lettuce put away and the coats hung up neatly in the closet. Mr. Slug is also a rather fastidious slug who prefers a sense of order to his castle. All of his electric tools for keeping his steel belly sliding plates in good order are out in the garage, hung on special hooks to keep them dry and in working condition, where he can find them easily without asking his wife where she saw them last. "Honey, where is my Phillips Sluggydriver?" Mr. Slug will ask as the weather begins to improve at Slug's Rest. "In the garage, on the hook where I shall hang you next time you ask me that question," replies Mrs. Slug while busily attending to removing the cobwebs from the ceiling by sliding up the wall with her tail curled around a damp towel.
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming. The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up." The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug. The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it. As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said. Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?" Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery. Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"

Mr. Slug looks slick in everything he wears!

2010-05-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today, Mr. Slug woke up to an empty underwear and sock drawer. To make matters worse, all of his work suits are out at the cleaners and all he had to wear was a tatty old hooded sweatshirt and a tailsock that was too thin to consider wearing. Mr. Slug decided that he had too much to do at work to take the day off, so he pulled the hoodie over his mantle and slid to the office feeling inappropriately dressed but ready to face the stack of file folders and phone messages on his desk, as well as the expected snickers from his co-workers. Everything was going fine, until.....

Mrs. Slug received a call from Mr. Slug at lunchtime. Mr. Slug said that he was, "in a panic" and to bring him a suit, tie and wingtip tailshoe as soon as possible. He said quickly, "The head honchos are on the way to take the crew to a nice restaurant for a lunch meeting today. It figures that the bosses would pick today of all days. This sweatshirt smells like a gym."

Mrs. Slug knew that there were no clothes available, so she stopped by the nearest haberdasher and bought a new suit, tie, and the finest Egyptian cotton shirt money can buy. She then slid on over to the shoe store and purchased one very special Ferragamo tailshoe made of the softest Corinthian leather upper with a custom stacked heel that even comes with a nifty raised insert to help Mr. Slug look extra tall and important.

When Mrs. Slug arrived at the office, the group of businessslugs were arriving. Some of them were already in the elevator! Mrs. Slug took the stairs, er, handrail, and slid to the tenth floor as fast as she could slide. Mr. Slug was able to slide into his new suit quickly. The businessslugs were lined up in the hallway, waiting for Mr. Slug to join them. Mr. Slug filled the sink with water and soap and went for a quick swim. He dried himself off with the automatic hair dryer and slicked back his optical tentacles with water. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to make sure he had no spinach stuck in his rasp when he smiles. He straightened his new silk tie and smoothed the lines of his coat before saying to himself, "Mr. Slug, you handsome mollusk, you know you got it goin' on. I would sign a six figure contract with you, just because you look so good!" Mr. Slug slid to lunch with the group and gave a hearty flick of the tail back at his loving wife as he left to lunch.

The next day, Mr. Slug held a safety meeting. The topic for the day was, "A good businessslug will always have an emergency suit of clothes on hand for the unexpected meeting or executive lunch. Do not let yourself be caught without the proper threads for a surprise meeting. If you don't have a suit of clothes always on hand, at least have the sense to marry a loving and attentive wife who knows what you look best in and can get them for you in a pinch."

Mr. Slug celebrated with Mrs. Slug by buying her a new dress and an adorable strappy little tailsandal with a jeweled buckle before he took her out to the theater the following weekend. Mr. Slug certainly knows where his bread is buttered!

I was walking in the park one day..............

2010-04-27T23:07:00.000-07:00

The flowers are blooming and love is in the air. Mr. Slug was happily sliding through the park on a lovely spring day and happened upon a lump of silken fabric lying in the bright green grass. He innocently picked it up and noticed the wonderfully sweet scent. It smelled like a mix of gardenias with a hint of rose. Just then, a very jealous and angry slug approached Mr. Slug and demanded to know where he had gotten the beautiful handkerchief. Mr. Slug was taken aback by the question. Another slug entered the area, wearing an Ensigns uniform and wielding a shiny long sword. Without knowing it, Mr. Slug had slid into an open air theater where a performance of the Tragedy of Othello was being acted out. Mr. Slug was in much danger of getting his tail lopped off by a very convincing actor who did not realize that Mr. Slug is NOT the stunt double of the Captain, who, in that particularly tragic scene, fought against the Ensign valiantly but ended up losing a hefty portion of his tail in the famous play by Slugspere. It was a very tense moment for both the audience, and especially Mr. Slug.
Mrs. Slug, in the meantime, had slid across the street to buy an ice cream and did not know the peril that her husband was in. She took a seat in the audience and began to hiss with the other theater goers as the antagonist began to thrust his sword at the tail of the hapless Captain, who was now being played by a very frightened and somewhat confused Mr. Slug. When Mrs. Slug realized that her beloved Captain was being attacked by the cruel and remorseless Ensign, she jumped up and said, "Zounds! Lay down thine scabbord and slide thine away! Leaveth mine husband alone!" The crowd loved this new twist, they hooted and yelled and went wild as Mrs. Slug entered the stage and proceeded to take hold of her husbands tail with her rasp. She swung him round and round, faster and faster, like a discus thrower. Once he reached maximum flight velocity, she let him go and he flew above the startled audience like a missile, his eyes wide with surprise and gladness, for he was now out of danger. He made a wide arc above the theater and came to rest on a red and white checkered blanket in the nosebleed section way in the back of the amphitheater on the grass where a sophisticated looking group of well-to-do slugs were watching the play and dining on a feast of basil leaves and champagne. One of them remarked, "Good show, old chap!" and went on munching on his leaf like nothing had happened. "Care for a nibble, Sir?" said another. The now proud actor brushed the dirt from his person, composed himeself and smiled broadly. "May my wife join us?" beamed Mr. Slug. "Your wife?" asked the slug with a flick of the tail and a heavy english accent, "Was that lovely creature your wife? Why, she is the greatest Slugsperean actress of all time!Your wife may join us only if she promises to give us her autograph!" Mr. Slug agreed to be the husband of a celebrity and they dined upon the fancy greens heartily throughout the remainder of the performance. You may ask, "What this tale of tails was all about?" Well, I am not sure myself. I just know that springtime is a good time to go to a live performance, ANY live performance, as I am quite sure there is bound to be one where you may purchase tickets, somewhere near you.

P.S. - Speaking of great acting roles, some of you may remember part of the wise and powerful Yogurt, who starred in the best Mel Brooks movie ever made, which, in Mr. Slug's opinion was Spaceballs. That funny little gold painted man pointed out that, "Even plain yogurt has a little culture."

"A clean slug is an effective slug!" That said, "An effective slug is not afraid of a little dirt!"

2010-04-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than waking up early on a frosty morning to find that the water heater has failed and you will be taking a cold shower. This happened to Mr. Slug recently, and he was not a happy slider. Mr. Slug woke up all of the sleeping slugs and told them to apply as much warm belly surface as possible to the outside of the haplesss household appliance. The slugs did as they were told, and in about 30 minutes, Mr. Slug found himself happily soaping up his mantle for another days work. Order was restored to Slug's Rest, which had a very positive effect on the rest of Mr. Slug's business day! Mr. Slug felt so satisfied by the warm shower that he was giddy with happy feelings and greeted everybody he met that day with a hearty "Howyadoin!" and a spritely flick of the tail. This created an optimum condition for doing a brisk business.....At his morning meetings, Mr. Slug's customers were pleasantly accosted with the fresh, airy scent of Irish Spring soap upon his person. They were enchanted with his easy, breezy sales approach. In fact, he felt so good that week that that he made three extra sales, which amounted to a significant increase in slime to be deposited in to the sluggy bank account! Mr. Slug always gives back to his community, so he rewarded each of the helpful slugs with a fresh bottle of foaming slug wash and a loofah back scratcher with a nice long wooden handle for those hard to reach areas of the tail.

An electrifying tale of big business - be careful what you say to competitors!

2010-03-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

If you do not know the name of the individual you are speaking with, do yourself a favor and do not even try to guess! You are most likely incorrect, thus you will risk irritating them to the point of personal injury to yourself, and to innocent byslugsters.
Mr. Slug is a very gentle, kind and proper slug, he rarely forgets a face. He makes a point to remember the names of his fellow businessslugs. He conducts himself with grace and charm, but sometimes he will trip over his own tail if he can't recall a name.

In this instance, Mr. Slug found himself in a dangerous position as he tried to guess the name of a rather intimidating executive that he met in the hallway of a large hotel where he was attending a convention. The executive was large and square-jawed, and his beady eye bore an invisible hole through everything it gazed upon. Mr. Slug was clearly intimidated and nervous, as he thought he recognized the face, but could not draw the name from his memory. The only thing that Mr. Slug did wrong was ask the question..."Are you the infamous Mr. Clampy?" asked Mr. Slug. The question was actually meant to impress, but it did the opposite thing. Mr. Slugs seemingly innocent question ruffled Mr. Car Battery Cable to the point of violence! He got all charged up when he heard the name of his rival competitor Mr. Clampy and chased Mr. Slug down the hall with his cord whipping wildly! Mr. Slug took off like a shot and was able to get a few paces ahead of the well dressed suit. Mr. Slug slid briskly around the next corner, and as luck would have it, straight into the open door of an elevator! Seeing his only chance for escape, Mr. Slug pushed the "close door" button as quickly as he could. Just as the doors were closing, Mr. Car Battery Cable stuck his snakelike head through the opening and grabbed Mr. Slug by the tail! Mr. Slug was able to free himself by releasing a large amount of slug slime from his belly, giving the imposing Mr. Cable the slip! The elevator doors closed! Mr. Slug was free and unhurt! Mr. Slug enjoyed the soothing saxophone sounds of the jazz elevator music on his way down to the conference rooms located in the basement of the skyscraper where his business meeting was about to begin! Before speaking to the large group of professional and well dressed attendees, he enjoyed a relaxing festive beverage and several nibbles of salad. After lunch, Mr. Slug stepped into the Men's room and made sure there were no bits of spinach on his rasp, straightened his tie and composed himself before sliding onto the podium to address the eager crowd of executives. He tapped the microphone lightly with his tail to see if it was working and cleared his throat before he began. A hush of silence fell about the room and he took a deep breath before he said, "A funny thing happened to me on the way here...." He did not mention any names while telling his story for fear of retaliation - just in case Mr. Cable happened to be present at the meeting. The moral of the story: "When in doubt, don't blurt it out."

Sell, Sell, SELL!!!!! And don't stop! You guys look GREAT! You are a selling MACHINE!!!

2010-03-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

What a weekend it was for Mr. Slug! He found himself busy working for much of Saturday and Sunday and arrived at the office very early this morning with a host of new accounts to process.

It seems as though business has been picking up all around the town this week, so Mr. Slug decided to call an impromptu mandatory meeting for all of his employees. He phoned every member of his department before the sun came up and told them that he has something of great import to discuss with each of them before the start of the business week. The team of sales slugs arrived on time and eager to hear what Mr. Slug had to say. The sales team was rewarded for being on time with a sumptous breakfast of spinach leaves and freshly brewed green tea or guava juice, which was well received by all slugs present.

An audible groan was heard as a box of tail protectors were opened and removed from the bubble wrap that the product was shipped in. Being a silly bunch of slugs, the team had fun popping the bubble wrap as they fitted their tails with the brand new tail protectors, which smelled a little "plasticky," from the off-gassing that you often get from factory-fresh oil based products.

Another large box was placed upon the boardroom table and out came a dozen pairs of new safety glasses, each with a special noseless bridge, modified especially for the anatomy of the common working mollusk. They came in four fun color choices: "Roasted Sienna," "Eggplant," "Chartruese," and "Golderod Summer."

The slugs dove into the box and each chose a pair that suited their mantle-tone.

Mr. Slug cleared his throat and the room quieted down very quickly. "First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing up on time with your name badges on. Please wear your safety equipment at all times while you are representing this firm, as we would like to show the buying public that we are a safety minded business. This new equipment will help to protect you when driving the company fleet vehicles. We have recently purchased four new Prius sedans for your sales appointments. Please be careful while driving them and be sure to jump or slide out the window if the vehicle appears to speed up all by itself without any provocation. We were able to obtain the vehicles at an excellent price! We like the "green" message they send to our customers, although we do realize that our sales team will need to take an extra measure of precaution to enjoy the benefits of the savings in fuel costs to our company. You may all be dismissed, now go out there and sell something! Go Team Sluggy!"

Why, that's just crazy-talk! I am not frightened by a bunch of water molecules

2010-03-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

Just three days ago, Mr. Slug was joyfully basking in the bright sun, wearing his tail sandal and a generous dollop of sunscreen on his sunkissed pate. When he slid out the door of Slug's Rest today, a very different weather pattern, in the form of a certain Mr. Rumblecloud, presented himself chest puffed out, in a threatening way. Mr. Slug said to the cloud, "My, you are looking very unstable and perhaps you are in need of some sort of counseling. I can give you the name of a doctor who can help you." The cloud looked at him darkly and replied, "I may be unstable, but I have direction, which is more than I can say for you slugs. Just look at those crazy goo trails you guys make. Besides, someone has to wash the sidewalk from time to time!" With this, Mr. Rumblecloud let out a torrent of hailstones and a crack of lightning lit the skies overhead! Mr. Slug retreated in terror as the hailstones turned to heavy rain! This madness sent Mr. Slug careening down the gutter and into the stormdrain, which, according to the painted sign next to it, leads directly to the sea! Mr. Slug tumbled and rolled his way through a long series of drainage tunnels which finally spit out the unfortunate mollusk through the big iron grates at the end of the drain in Nye Beach, Oregon. Once he realized where he was, he promptly exited the shoreline and took a seat at the infamous tourist hangout, "The Sandbar," where the nice bartender took pity on the sand covered slug and served him a nice hot toddy to warm his mantle, free of charge. He left the establishment feeling much better, but was still miles from home. He found some sea shells on the ground, used his slug goo to fuse them together and created some "beachy" looking artwork, which he put on consignment in the window of a local art gallery. The incredible artwork looked suitably trendy and sold almost instantly. He gave the art dealer his cut and used the remaining proceeds to pay for a limosine, a shiny black Lincoln Towncar. The driver asked the weary Mr. Slug where he wanted to go, and Mr. Slug said weakly, "There's no place like home." What is the lesson learned here? Mr. Slug says, "If you go outside unprepared, that is, without your tailsock and dare to challenge an ominous cloud to a verbal swordfight, be ready for a lightning fast rebuttal and a good soaking, because YOU asked for it! They may look innocent enough, wearing that sly smile, but Rumbleclouds are NOT to be trusted!!!

Are we in the Twilight Zone? Could this be an episode of Iron Chef? You be the judge!

2010-03-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

While we were flying back from LA, Mr. Slug said to me, "There's Some THING on the wing!" He was referring to that famous episode of the Twilight Zone where the future Captain Kirk of Star Trek is looking out the window and sees a hairy monster taking bites out of the wing, thus scaring him so bad he starts downing copious amounts of water along with handfulls of unbuffered asprin.
I asked my Mr. Slug, "Hey - do you remember the episode where the aliens had a book that said, "To serve man" and it turned out to be a cookbook? Mr. Slug said, "Yes, I remember that episode." I pondered this for a minute, and replied, "I hope this plane is equipped with the necessary garnish, we will look much tastier that way."
Mr. Slug instinctively tightened his seatbelt around his tail just as the flight crew came by with the drinks tray. "Would you like a drink Sir?" asked the nice lady. "Yes, I would indeed." replied Mr. Slug. "Could I get a bag of those sluggy snacks and an extra napkin too? The napkin is for my wife, for she seems to have a very active imagination today. She likes to draw on napkins." The flight attendant looked at Mr. Slug with a twinkle in her eye as she took out a pepper shaker and began to sprinkle him liberally with the once expensive and rare spice. "There," she said, handing him a sprig of parsley, "you are now prepared for landing." (Cue the creepy Twilight Zone music do da doo doo do da doo doo)

By the way, kids, this is what happens when a references are made about looking "Too Oregonian." You get served on your way back in to the state!

"Yo." Too cool for school is always the rule. You dig? Peace out.

2010-02-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

When Mr. Slug arrived in LA, he realized that his style looked a little too "Oregonian." He promptly went to Venice Beach to improve his wardrobe. He slid in and out of every shop, trying on the newest flat brimmed baseball caps and modeling sunglasses for his lovely wife until she exclaimed, "Yep, those are the fly sunglasses for you, my dear homey-love." Mr. Slug caught a glimpse of his new look in the reflection of the shop windows. Mr. Slug was impressed with how much a simple pair of sunglasses and a hat can change how other slugs see you. "This could be a good look for my entire sales team," thought he, so he raced back to Venice Beach and bought a case of sunglasses and hats to send back to Oregon in the US mail. I wonder how Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener will react to this new and fashionable turn of events? Stay tuned and find out!

Red eye flights are only good if you want a floppy tail afterward

2010-02-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

The slugs decided that a trip to Los Angeles was in order, so they rounded up some boarding passes from the slugs favorite local airline, Horizon Air, a partner with the fabulous Alaska Airlines, proudly serving slugs living in the great Northwest territories.

They were sliding down the concourse to the plane when they heard an announcement over the intercom. "Paging Mr. Slug. Will Mr. Slug please pick up one of the white courtesy telephones." Mr. Slug located a white telephone and heard that he was about to miss the final boarding call for flight 8211 to Burbank Airport. All of the slugs in his party quickly made haste to the gate and left three slimy slug trails down the isle to their seats. They all made sure that seatbelts were securely fastened and that all carryon items were safely stowed in the overhead bins, or at their tails under the seat in front of them. WHIRRRRR! The engines roared to life, the plane taxied down to the runway and WHOOSH! They were off in the air, a flock of flying slugs! One of the slugs was scared when the landing gear made a rattle as it locked in to flight position. Once the plane leveled off, the drinks cart came down the aisle CLANKETY CLANK CLANK. Mr. Slug had coffee and the other slugs enjoyed a festive adult libation at no extra charge. This greatly pleased the slugs and one of them went to sleep immediately while the other two enjoyed the in-flight Alaska Air magazine crossword puzzle, which they were unable to solve because it was very difficult. Stay tuned for more of the exciting flight!

Take off your lampshade when you dance or you might get arrested!

2010-02-03T22:08:00.000-08:00

It is all well and good that a hard working sales team can go out in public after a long day of negotiating and have an adult libation with dinner, but the libations should end withing a reasonable time after the dinner is eaten, if the celebrating takes place on a worknight.

Mr. Canopener received a call from his friends, a single, nervous sounding telephone call from a noisy payphone in the holding tank of the County Jail where the two scofflaws, Messrs. Lunchbox and his party cohort Mr. Thermos were lodged for the evening. Here is what Mr. Canopener learned from the call: They apparently went out after a successful day of work. Mr. Thermos got the signatures for a very large order of slug muzzles, went back to the hotel and promptly persuaded Mr. Lunchbox to "go out to a restaurant and celebrate." Mr. Lunchbox was pleased as punch that his protege had landed the account all by himself. "I shant deny you your moment of glory," said he, and they marched across the street to the local tavern and took two seats at the well worn bar. "I'll take three drinks, two for my friend and a double for me."

About two hours later, Mr. Lunchbox was dancing with a broom and Mr. Thermos was wearing a lampshade on his head with his tie wrapped around the top. The barkeep called the cops after Mr. Thermos hopped up onto the bar and started to twirl about in a wild and dangerous fashion. He lost his screw-on cap when he slipped on the olive tray, sending the now loosened cap hurtling through the air and out the door of the establishment, landing right in the backseat of the cop car, where the rest of him ended up alongside the whimpering and apologetic Mr. Lunchbox who pleaded pitifully for freedom, but to no avail. They were caught, red handled!

When Mr. Slug got the news from Mr. Canopener, he was rightly annoyed, but sympathetic as well. His two finest sales associates had been blowing off some steam, and at least they had only hopped across the street from the hotel and had not attempted to drive anywhere, much to their credit. They had, however, embarrassed themselves on a business trip, and for this they must be reprimanded. This is not the first occasion they have seen trouble! Remember what happened on New Years Eve! Mr. Slug has decided that he shall accompany the team on the next sales trip, and the only kind of celebrating they will do after landing a new account will be a nice game of Scrabble in the lobby of the hotel, and a cup of hot tea before bedtime! No lampshades were harmed in the filming of this movie.

"You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a muzzle"

2010-01-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of the endless chatter of your fellow slugs? Do you wish that you had merely said nothing when asked a difficult question? Then gather round all you weary slugs! Mr. Slug has a new invention that will help to minimize sound pollution and add quality to your life! Keep your ears free to hear only the things you want to hear, while eliminating the incessant chatter of others. Wear one, and you won't have to say yes to time consuming volunteer activities. Not only that, you will be regarded as an intelligent and thoughtful slug who listens well. Give the slug muzzle to all your friends and enjoy a blissful day of solitude. Take a test drive in a new muzzle! Your complete satisfaction or your dollar will be returned. Order one today and you will receive a free gift with purchase, a new soft and fluffy tailsock to snuggle in while you enjoy your quiet nights at home with a library book. Listen to these testimonies given by slugs just like you: "I bought my first muzzle a week ago and now I am writing poetry and playing a harmonica every day." "I gave a muzzle to all my co-workers and now I can get my job jone in a timely manner. My boss gave me a raise!"

That's right friends, you can experience the benefits of your slug muzzle in just three easy payments of .37 cents, shipping and handling not included. Call now, and you can stop calling after it arrives! Hurry! Supplies are limited, but the words of other slugs are not!

An illuminating thought is a bright idea

2010-01-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

Today, Mrs. Slug took her Mr. Slug to have a nice bowl of steaming won-ton soup from a local Chinese restaurant. At the end of the luncheon, two fortune cookies were served to the two satisfied diners, along with the check. Mr. Slug opened the package and split the crispy confection in half, revealing the small paper fortune inside the cookie. He looked at it with great interest - it seemed to speak directly to him! Mr. and Mrs. Slug raced home and began to finish one of Mr. Slugs pet projects. He has invented an "Auto-thinker instant response unit," a machine that most every slug will find useful when they cannot think of anything to say. Let's suppose a fellow slug insults you, and you are unable to make that snappy comeback that would save your self respect and dignity. With Mr. Slugs new machine, you will never have a loss of words. The auto response will kick in and say the pefect thing!

Let's see how it could be useful to an everyday working slug:

Antagonist says, "Every time I pass by here, you're just sitting at your desk, staring into space. I think I better run over to management and let them know you are slacking in your duties."

Without the auto thinker response unit, you might just give the antangonist a blank look, thus fueling his ability to hurl further insult at you.

WITH the auto thinker response unit electrodes hooked up to the forehead of said sluggy victim, the scenario changes drastically. The insult would be quickly recorded and processed by the unit, and in less than 3 seconds, an intelligent and scathing remark will be returned to the antagonist, thus ending the volley of insults instantly. "Space, my dear fellow, is the final frontier, and this will be your final day to enjoy my fine company if you don't respect my personal space and slide outta here this instant. That is my final word on the subject. Do I make myself perfectly clear?" The antagonist slug will slink out of the room and find some other slug to bully.

With this new fabulous invention, Mr. Slug can help the the intelligent yet shy working slug to climb that company ladder to success! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

Please stay in your seats, we will not turn off the seatbelt signs for a year

2010-01-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

Tears flow freely from Mr. Slug as he bids an emotional farewell to his holiday friend Ms. Eggnog, who is leaving sometime this week or next for a holiday of her own, which will last until next Thanksgiving in November. Most of Ms. Eggnog's associates have disappeared from the shelves of grocery stores and roadside markets, causing panic buying and hoarding of the popular dairy product. For this reason, Ms. Eggnog has hired a bodyguard and driver to make it to the airport without incident. Ms. Eggnog realizes the importance of teaching the youngsters all about the time honored traditions. She will be visiting a nutmeg farm to teach a group of raw eggs how to grow up right and become the most desired and upstanding members of the refrigerated community, standing tall with shoulders sqaure and proud while they await puchase from excited and happy customers! Lives lived to the fullest, and satisfied bellies full of 'nog!

Working is better than the best day in jail

2010-01-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

In our last episode, trouble, no, let's make that "Trouble" with a capital "T," found our two foodservice employees in deep manure following a series of unfortunate events during the New Years holiday festivities. The price paid for such frivolity can be unexpectedly harsh, indeed.

It does not surprise me to see a spring in the hop of our heroes Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos. As you can plainly see, they are happy. (That's hapPy with a capital "P.") Why, you might think they had won the lottery! But no, what they have is much more valuable than mere euros or even a buffalo head nickel........They have received the greatest gifts in the world! (Cue the soundtrack music from the popular television show "The price is right" and add the voice of your favorite announcer Bob Barker.)
"Let's see what they've won! These two friends have the gift of freedom! This delicious freedom from a certainly lengthy incarceration at the County Jail is largely due to the generous donation to a certain bail bondsman, a check written from the desk of a certain Mr. Slug, who is, in his words, "lost without the help of his best two employees."
You see, Mr. Slug believes in giving a second chance if the character of the individual warrants a fair break. Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are rarely late, are always courteous and keep a clean tongue around the customers. When Mr. Slug received a call from jail, he did not hesitate to spring the two comrades at once. A smart businessslug keeps the best employees, even if they tend to "work hard and play hard" once in a while. Can we get a "whoop-whoop?"
Hurrah for Mr. Slug!

America, land of the brave, home of the free ride to jail!

2010-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos were rounded up with a group of drunk slugs amid the chaos of the New Years festivities. This is their story and they are sticking to it:
Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos had used a cellphone to call a dial-a-ride service and were pleased when a big white van showed up so quickly to take them home. The rear doors were open wide and the nice attendants even helped them in and told them to take a seat toward the front. They fell asleep on the ride home......but they did not go home! They were rudely awakened by the sound of police whistles and voices telling them to exit the vehicle in a single file line....it was then that they realized it was a paddywagon filled with drunk and disorderly slugs who had been participating in the yearly "Sliding of the slugs" under the New Years Ball Drop in Times Square. The two scofflaws were handleprinted and booked along with the pointy hatted, rowdy and raucus slugs. Only a few hours had passed when Mr. Thermos decided to slip through the bars of the jail cell! He was the only prisoner thin enough to fit between them without scratching his flawless stainless steel outer shell, perfect for drinks both hot, and cold. The slugs might have been able to squeeze through as well, had they not been slow and puffy from a night of drinking.
Mr. Lunchbox was not happy about being left behind and voiced his displeasure loudly, which in turn alerted the guards to the AWOL prisoner. Mr. Thermos clanked down the hallway and shouldered past the guard to freedom! He promptly called a couple of wealthy Thermos friends who in turn paid the bail bondsman, thus Mr. Lunchbox was "sprung" shortly thereafter.
The brazen duo vowed to stay home and quietly watch the ball drop on TV next year.

New decade of tradition in the "Sliding of the Slugs." Don't try this unless the cameras are rolling.

2010-01-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

Just like the famed running of the bulls in Pamplona, slugs have a tradition that they like to take part in every year. It is the sliding of the slugs in Times Square New York. You see, the slugs gather together at a local pub to "prime" themselves, then they don brightly colored hats and blow loud noisemakers and proceed to slide directly under the sparkly ball as it drops for the New Years Countdown. As you can see, this practice is dangerous and foolhardy, not to mention highly illegal! The local gendarme was not pleased to find a wild group of slugs under the ball once again this year! The policeslug blew his whistle! The slugs scattered in all directions as the ball began it's descent toward the tender tails. A paddy wagon was brought in to round up the slugs and take them to safety before any of them got squished. They were taken to the police station and tailprinted, booked and lodged for the evening.

buying next years presents today keeps a slug financially fit

2009-12-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

Just because December 25th has come and gone does not mean that the spirit of Christmas is over and done. Keep the spirit of Christmas alive even as you take down your sparkly aluminum tree that looks like a diamond when it is all lit up with all of the little colored lights you bought for $1.50 a box last year! Mr. Slug prides himself in being prudent and thoughtful with every business decision, even the ones involving the giving of gifts to his fellow slugs...not that he wants to be "cheap" in his giving; rather he likes to be a sensible business slug who can make a sluggy dollar stretch like a glob of goo. One of the best monetary moves you can make this season is the purchase of as many tail socks as you can find left on the shelves, which by now, are mostly picked clean of all of the good colors and patterns. Not to worry though, a slug looks great in most any type of tailsock! These tailsocks make a most thoughtful gift and is a unisex, one size fits all kind of purchase that can be pre-wrapped, one year in advance. Mrs. Slug helps Mr. Slug wrap the gifts in the wrapping paper received under this years tree, as they follow the "green slug movement," who actively reuse and recycle valuable material goods whenever possible. So, if you are one of the lucky slugs to receive a slightly crinkled and soft package under your tree soon after Thanksgiving 2010, you will know what it is and where it came from.

Feeling extra crispy? Let us add lettuce!

2009-12-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

The holidays seem to wear out even the most stoic and hearty of slugs. During this busy time, one must keep oneself well hydrated and nourished! When it gets cold outside, a slug has very few options. He can either cover himself properly, or find himself quite frozen! In this example, Mr. Slug has both covered himself for warmth and has additionally provided himself with the fuel he needs to keep sliding smoothly through the holidays!

Mr. Slug increases his profit ten-fold, and looks good doing it!

2009-12-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

Mr. Slug was so excited about his designer headwear, he decided to go public with it! Now his designs are seen sliding down the runways on the heads of the most sleek and successful slug models in the business! Mr. Slug says, "Any new venture takes a certain amount of risk. You will need a strong mantle, a short skirt and alot of optic nerve to succeed in the world of fashion slugs!" For this seasons look, Mr. Slug chose an "Oragami" theme that is both reversable, and edible! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

New hat needed? Try the supermarket!

2009-12-18T17:13:00.000-08:00

You do not need to spend alot of hard earned cheddar in order to find cutting edge fashion! Cancel that flight to Paris and follow Mr. Slug to the most exciting haberdasher in town. Your local supermarket has everything you need to feel hip and fashion forward. Need a necklace to go with the ensemble? Glide on over to the vegetable section for a few fresh and flirty twist ties to complete your look. You are going to look so good, the manager will likely order you a personal escort out of the store and straight to your car!

Equal treatment for the flying rats!

2009-12-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

Don't be too quick to judge someone by the way they look. Some of the hardest working executives have a rogue appearance to them. Perhaps they are wearing an earring or sport a rubbery looking set of wings and work the graveyard shift.

The least you can do is be kind and offer up a fresh moth or a stick of industrial bat food to your new friend. That bat could fly back to the cave and refer you to a large group of his batty relatives and your sluggy phone would start to ring off the hook with business inquiries.

Put this group of potential business slugmail contacts on your sonar and watch the slugdollars slide in!

It's a good thing slugs don't have kneecaps!

2009-12-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

When Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos went out of town on a business meeting, they enjoyed a layover in the exciting town of Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Thermos talked Mr. Lunchbox into going out on the town to have some dinner and a tail pull of a slot machine. They ate a sumptuous meal at the buffet table and were feeling pretty good about the entire arrangement. "This working vacation is the way to live!" A very beautiful waitress appeared and plied the two execs with a hefty amount of pickle juice. The two funsters proceeded to a row of slots and gave one a pull, betting the maximum amount of coins. "Woo hoo!!!" said the winners! They slid over to the Roulette Wheel and dropped the winnings on one single number. Mr. Thermos promptly lost the entire expense account. There was a rather tough looking Slug standing next to him that offered to "cover him for another spin of the wheel."

It was a decision that Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are certain to regret! The tough looking Slug that is after Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos goes by the name of Mr. Bubba. He chain smokes a bargain brand cigarette and wears a red bandana.

Mr. Slug told him that he "knew of no such foodservice executives and to please slide away and don't come back again or he would call the local gendarme."

The surly gentleman turned tail and we have not seen him since the incident.

After that, Mr. Slug called a meeting to ask his employees to refrain from nefarious activities when out on the road. As you can see, rules exist for a very good reason!

Sail through your sales meeting like a true professional lunchbox

2009-12-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

CONVENTION 101
For this particular subject, I would like you to first start humming the theme song to that classic movie starring Kenny Rogers called "The Gambler" made way back in the 1970's when business meetings were still held in places like Palm Springs and Reno Nevada. Here we go:

"Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to hop away, know when to run!"

This rule is especially true when discussing business with a complete stranger who you have met at one of these conventions. In this instance, Mr. Lunchbox has met a top end appliance out in the hall of the meeting room. Being a heavy hitter in the business, he will stick to topics that involve Tiger Woods, Lady GaGa and Global Warming.

Mr. Lunchbox says, "Do not discuss your company secrets with anybody, especially a slick looking washing machine with all of the latest technology! It is simply not safe!"

Instead, Mr. Lunchbox shall concentrate on giving the gentlewasher an invitation to visit him for a round of golf, being the skilled duffer that he is.

Mr. Lunchbox feels that this is much safer way to do business than a round of festive adult libations where he is likely to let his zipper become unlipped and say something he did not intend to share with the competition...

Here is your business tip for the day: A smart Mr. Lunchbox looks his competition in the eye as he speaks with enthusiasm on subjects of general interest, throws down the business card and hops away with purpose! Now THAT's what I call smooth SALE-ING!

An inordinate amount of insubordination brought on by a bout of boredom in the boardroom.

2009-11-14T20:40:00.001-08:00

As much as Mr. Lunchbox does not like being reprimanded by his superiors, he especially does not like having to discipline his own workers. There has been a rash of "workplace infractions" of late, so Mr. Lunchbox is going to make sure that what happens in his department, stays in his department. That's right! Don't gossip about how you saw two wayward icepacks last night, wearing the company uniform along with lampshades for hats stumbling and giggling as they slid down Main Street! You saw nothing! If the higher brass (A.K.A. Mr. Slug the boss!) finds out about this latest affront to the company policy, it could have an adverse effect upon the entire stack of employee Christmas bonuses. Keep that zipper lipped!

Mine! All Mine! Not Yours! MINE!!!!!!!!

2009-11-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Slug was surprised by this very inventive artwork created by her foreign exchange student slug from Italy. His name is Slugvano. He is very artistic and wishes to be an slugitect. I know he will someday build a very tall structure and call it Slug Towers.

As you can see, I dream in vivid Technicolor. I am very greedy when it comes to my wheeled conveyance, especially if it is MY dream.

You see, every time we pass one of these fine vehicles out on the road, I say to my young charge, "Look, they are driving MY car!"

Alas, it is no wonder that Slugvano has created this most wonderful depiction of me, Mrs. Slug, in my natural greedy and materialistic habitat...........as it should be! No drinks or hard shell tacos in my car!

(I hope the alarm clock does not wake me up before I go through the car wash and have the "Carnuba Wax Applied When Flashing"....)

I hope you have enjoyed this unusual diversion from your normal slug fare. There are more surprises ahead.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode! This outta keep you slugs on the tips of your tails, eh?

A hard night out on the tiles

2009-11-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

Gather 'round all you slug adventurers! I present to you a slug drawing that is only a day older than a day-old loaf of bread! Fresh as the morning dew! It is a rare event indeed.

What we have here is a complete lack of consideration for the fragile brain which is expected to be alert and ready for a new and hopefully profitable workday. Adult libations entered the delicate digestive tract and all reason and logic was lost for a time. It all started when Mr. Lunchbox invited his co-worker out to dinner the previous evening. The restaurant was nice, and had a bar and discoteque in the next room. The brightly colored lights and thumping rhythm of the dance floor made the weary workers spring back to life and dance the night away! By the time they left the restaurant, the full moon was setting in the western sky and it was nearly time to return to work. The last thing that Mr. Lunchbox remembered saying was, "I don't get out much. Let's get another round." Mr. Thermos recalls nothing.

The bartender ordered the two a taxi cab and poured them into it, with directions home, written on a napkin, of course!

Mr. Slug knows that both of his employees are normally on time and completely alert every morning. He knew something was amiss when he observed the two scofflaws drinking copious amounts of water from the water cooler in the breakroom. Mr. Thermos was filling up on glazed doughnuts while Mr. Lunchbox was quietly sitting under the table with his flap hanging crookedly to one side, moaning and muttering incoherently.

Mr. Slug was young once, he has seen it all and done it twice. Before any other employees spotted them, Mr. Slug did a very honorable thing. It was a gift, a gesture of thanks for a job that is normally well done.

Being the kind and generous slug that he is, (wait for it..........) Yes, you know what is coming next...................

Mr. Slug was a hero and let them slide home for the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's just the broccoli talking!"

2009-10-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, a slug needs to go to the market for neccesary items, like chocolate bars. Mrs. Slug always prepares a list so that she does not forget the more important products, like paper napkins for lunches, broccoli and other essentials. Mr. and Mrs. Slug are careful not to get in the way of other shoppers, lest they get run over by a renegade shopping cart! Mr. Slug says, "Watch your tails, or it will be cleanup in aisle 3!"

Eight glasses of water can be dangerous on the road!

2009-10-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

When Mr. Slug takes a drive, he likes to get in the car and get to where he is going. Never mind the groans from the back seat. Mr Slug says, "Hang on and enjoy the ride."

The passengers can only hope that the car will get pulled over for a tail light being out or some such thing.

Zip your lip and move that hip! Rise and shine! Wheeeeee!

2009-10-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug has announced a new work schedule which will require Mrs. Slug to get up at the crack of dawn to assemble his delicious lunch to be placed inside the dapper and dutiful Mr. Lunchbox who shall accompany Mr. Slug to work so that he may serve him the repast at the midday meal. Mr. Lunchbox is always eager to serve. Our hero has a very strict work ethic that we could all learn from. It should be noted: although our dear friend Mr. Lunchbox does not display the most pleasant disposition at all times, he certainly has been well respected in the foodservice industry for his tireless efforts and attention to detail. Mr. Lunchbox is happy to accept awards at catered award banquets and is an eloquent speaker when standing upon the podium before a crowd of his peers. However........

Mr. Lunchbox is not yet sure he likes the new work schedule.....he is not always fully awake in the morning and feels that he should be allowed to sleep longer. Mrs. Slug has promised him that she will have his coffee ready the moment he hops out of bed in the morning. (Can I get a "Yippeee!!"?) Oh Joy! Cue the bird chirps and strum that harp! It's going to be a great day!

Music calms the savage slug! (Not to mention the savage Mr. Canopener!)

2009-09-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

It is not easy to learn a new song. First, a slug must find the sheet music and learn it backward and forward. A slug must rehearse the song over and over again until the notes are raw. Creative chord patterns must be found for improvisation during solos. A slug must learn how to hold two mallets with one tail and play the vibraphone with deadly accuracy or the slug might hit a "clam" and get a sour look from the conductor during a performance.....In the midst of all of this rehearsal, a visit from Mr. Canopener can be extremely distracting indeed! Mr Canopener must be kept at bay during the entire learning process. Music can be fun, but it can also be quite dangerous!

Yes, Doctor, I realize I overdid it just a little bit....

2009-08-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

During the late summer, Mr. Slug finds that his belly becomes quite itchy due to the warm weather. He decided to invent a machine to take care of his malady. The machine was so effective that he rounded up a few investor slugs who were interested in making a profit on this new and exciting idea. The prototype was wildly popular with the local slugs! Now Mr. Slug has to limit the time that each slug may use the scratching machine because the crowds have become unruly and dangerous! Unfortunately, there is only one of these fantastic machines in the entire world. Let's hope that the machine can go into mass production as soon as possible. If you are a slug who would like to invest in this new product, please indicate how many shares of stock you would like to buy in the Scratchmatic Company. This invention could revolutionize the entire belly scratching industry! Get your piece of the Scratchmatic today!

Confidence is better than lipstick on a slug

2009-08-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug knows that the best thing he can wear out in public is a bright and honest smile. There is no article of clothing that can radiate success better than a relaxed and happy demeanor. Mr. and Mrs. Slug have found that the month has been a smoother slide when they go out the door wearing the "twinkle tail." It costs nothing, looks good, and seems to attract extra goo into Mr. Slug's wallet, which he likes when he is out buying chocolate bars after work.

**Of historical note for hardcore fans of Mr. Slug*** This particular napkin was drawn this very morning and was delivered to you fresh! "Yaaaaayyy!!!" "Can we get a Wheeeee-e-e?!" "Yipppeeee!!!!" Don't look at me that way. It is OK to be excited and cut loose with a yelp of gladness. This is a big deal. A really big deal. This is the first time that this has ever happened. SAME DAY SERVICE. I bet you didn't know......All previous slugs are from the archives of past lunchboxes. Mr. Slug took this napkin out of Mr. Lunchbox TODAY, the 18th day of August, and told me to share it with you at once. I hope you are pleased. Hold that thought. Indefinitely. Now go out there and twinkle that tail! Sell something! YOU!

This motivational message brought to you by "Slugs for an Increasingly Gooey World."

FOR RENT! #77 Slugland Lane

2009-08-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

A home is an incredible thing to a slug, as the shell is to a snail. We slugs do not take this fact lightly, and we screen our renters carefully when we find we wish to rent out our beloved abode. The first question that Mr. Slug is likely to ask any potential renter slug is, "How often do you plan to clean the goo stripes off of the front porch?" If there is any hesitation in answering that question, a 3 leaf surcharge will be added to the mothly rent. Otherwise, Mr. Slug will let most things slide, as he is a very reasonable sort of fellow, most of the time.

"A bat flew into my livingroom on Sunday night, and I flushed him out the front door with an umbrella, also known in London as a bumbershoot."

2009-07-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

Mr. Lunchbox was feeling very antsy this morning due to the fact that he may have to unzip his zipperlip and be the Chairman of a Toastmasters meeting. Too many slugs at a Toastmasters and you have a seriously gooey situation indeed! Thank goodness there is a time limit for the speaker. Mr. Lunchbox has already decided that he shall step, or rather, hop in if the situation becomes a heated debate. No wonder they call the group Toastmasters!

Mr. Lunchbox takes his job rather seriously!

2009-07-20T22:18:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than being upset about something, and having your hissy fit fall on deaf, or in this case, sleeping and unhearing ears. Mr. Lunchbox is an early riser and does not take kindly to folks who tamper with his morning routine. He knew there might be a problem when he heard the sounds of slugs singing and playing music, (tickling the ivories to be exact) into the wee hours of the night. The next time he hears Mr. and Mrs. Slug having too much fun at his expense, Mr. Lunchbox will call the authorities and have the scofflaws thrown in the slammer for disturbing the peace, along with the "willful destruction" of his precious and fragile peanut butter sandwiches! I can hear the sirens in the distance! Slide! Slide for your lives!

Henceforth, Mrs. Slug offers this slice of advice:

Stay clear of Mr. Lunchbox today, as he is in no mood to be trifled with.

Let's go for a brisk morning slide, shall we?

2009-07-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have returned from a vacation is sunny Los Angeles where they enjoyed sliding around the Rose Bowl for excercize and increased mental sharpness. Mr. Slug has made an agreement with his Mrs. Slug that they should try to get up earlier in the morning, which is difficult to do when they both like to read books into the wee hours of the evening! This practice must be stopped and replaced with the new plan of attack, a simultaneous flopping of the bellies into the bed at a decent hour! The revolt begins! Set the alarm for 7:00!

"Trouble" does not need a formal invitation printed in gold leaf ink on watermarked onion skin parchment with a vellum insert.

2009-06-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

You can start the day with the sun brightly shining, everything is good, and suddenly, you feel attacked!!! Were you unprepared? Caught off-guard? Unable to defend yourself? Mr. Slug would like everyone to remember to carry a hammer and don't be afraid to use it. Sometimes you don't even have to take the hammer out of the toolbelt if you know a pre-prepared, choice set of intelligently placed words which will stop your aggressor in his slug trail. Smile! Grin and wink as you make your delivery of the words, and watch in amazement as the antagonists back up, and slide away. Mr. Slug says, "It is not true that good guys finish last. I would like to think that the good guys are the last to be finished!"

Twirl and be Free! Mr. Slug tries on a brand new shoe...

2009-06-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

All work and no play makes Mr. Slug a dull mollusk. Lucky for him, Mr. Canopener was itching to break free of his lunchbox and have some recreational time, so he demanded that Mr. Slug put on a tailshoe and practice some spirited ballet moves to tone up his tail and re-energize for the start of his business week. At first, Mr. Slug said, "No, I don't do tailshoes." Mr. Canopener was relentless. He said, "Just give it a try. Dancing has changed my life. I used to be cold and calculating, I was violent and would cut anyone open just for kicks. Now that I can express myself, I have found that I am a much friendlier chap with a loving heart." Mr. Canopener stared at Mr. Slug intently, his handle spinning slowly around in a somewhat menacing way. "Try it with me, I know you will like it." There are times in life when one realizes that trying something new might be the healthier choice to make. Mr. Slug reluctantly put on the shoe to keep Mr. Canopener from becoming agitated. After about an hour of dancing, Mr. Slug had improved considerably. He even scheduled another session of dancing during the midweek! Mr. Slug found ballet to be more fun, and I dare say, somewhat safer than playing one on one basketball with another one of his business collegues, Mr. Porcupine. The moral of this story is: "If the shoe fits, it is not enough to merely wear it. You must learn to dance in it."

Saving money is a no brainer

2009-06-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

If you are a slug who is trying to keep hold of your lettuce, a little belt tightening may be in order. Mr. Slug would like to issue a word of caution - tightening your belt too tight can lead to a bit of light headedness, thus leading to a series of poor decisions. This dangerous sequence of events may lead to uneccessary purchases of things like fan belts and wiper blades which are the wrong size and completely useless since Mr. Slug has abandoned his car for a steel sliding plate, due to the high cost of fossil fuel. So, with that, my dear friends, I deliver to you the honorable Mr. Slug's word of advice for today: "Take everything down a notch and you might find yourself breathing a little easier." I can hear the sound of your exhale already!

This is one class where a crush on the teacher is a very bad thing...

2009-06-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

Due to popular demand, (of one reader) I am compelled to supply all of my gentle readers with an introductory course on the basic anatomy of a slug. It pleases me to know that there is such an interest! Please reveiw the study material provided, you will be tested on this information.

HEY! You slugs! Yes you! In the back row! Pay attention!

Keep those optic tentacles on your own test as cheating will not be tolerated. NOW, repeat after me. "Garden Slugs are your Friends, as they are both beautiful and well-intentioned....."

Micromanagement and you

2009-06-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

For anyone who finds themselves lucky enough to be working, it is important to remember to pay attention to even the finest details of the job at hand. Leave no stone unturned, complete all required documentation so that the management can see that progress is being made. Every working minute must be accounted for!

Looking slick is easy if you are a slug.

2009-05-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a banner week! They have both received phone calls which will attract extra dollars toward the household pocketbook. Mrs. Slug pointed out to Mr. Slug that without a pocket to put it in, he may misplace his pocketbook, and thereby lose his ability to add to his earnings accordingly. Additionally, a slick business slug must remain fashionable in the workplace. Mrs. Slug pointed out to her dashing and debonaire beloved husband that "we live in an image driven world." Thus, sliding oneself around in ill fitting, tattered work clothing will not attract new business, nor will it keep that delicate belly of his protected at the job site. Mrs. Slug loves to shop with coupons! With the prudent snipping of said coupons, she was able to save even more than half off of the price of Mr. Slug's new work attire. Today, we shall follow the financial advice of Mrs. Slug: "Good business decisions start with protecting one's tail, looking your best everywhere you slide, and having those handy coupons at the checkout counter every time you venture out to do some shopping. Grandma slug always used to say, "A penny that is not saved is a penny burned." Or, as Mr. Slug so aptly chimed in as to have the last word on the subject, "More saving equals less slaving."

Working on Memorial Day weekend blows chunks

2009-05-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug had big plans to entertain a few of his friends on his boat over the Memorial Day Weekend until he read an inter office memo that stated "All slugs shall report to work on Memorial Day Weekend - No Exceptions." Visions of a nice barbeque near the water with the sounds of clinking glasses with festive beverages faded from his mind. In place of these wonderful images were scenes of slugs all chained together on the side of the road with shovels and a mean looking boss wearing mirrored sunglasses holding a bullwhip. At least there are still sick days if you are well enough to enjoy them!

Public displays of the seriously affected

2009-05-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Being independently employed, Mr. Slug understands the importance of a good cash flow. Mr. Slug is not afraid to "Get into the trenches" and work hard to keep a nice pile of working capital available to keep his own business up and running. These are hard times indeed. Top executives all over the country have had to take off their ties (and lampshades) to work an extra job so that they can continue to keep their companies afloat. Mr. Slug knows that if he keeps a cool head he should be able to weather through the financial storm with the extra money he makes on the weekend.

There is, however, a limit to what a slug can take. Too bad Mr. Slug can't verbalize his thoughts or he would get fired. He is likely to be thinking, "If I have to pull over, your ride is over! You can all slide to the airport on your bellies for all I care!" But no, he cannot say those things. He loves his other job too much. Being the responsible executive that he is, Mr. Slug has an imaginary clamp firmly affixed to his tounge at all times. So, without further ado, Mr. Slug shall give you his business tip of the week: "Think as much as you want, but say as little as possible. Resist the urge to purge."

Now I know you have lost it. Check please.

2009-05-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

Many times Mr. Slug has said to himself, "I am the luckiest slug in the world. I have a loving and slippery wife, a green froggy pet and a strong belly to slide upon through my day. If I went to a casino and put my money on a blackjack table, I wonder if my luck would hold?"

It is times like this that one should seek the help of a professional. The question is, how would you go about finding a genie? Mrs. Slug tried to find one listed in the phone book, but it says "See Fortune Teller." So what did Mr. Slug do, you ask? He did what any business slug would do in his position, he went out to play a round of golf and ask if anybody on the practice putting green knew a good luck Genie in our local Chamber of Commerce. A calling card for a reputable Genie was quickly procured and the Genie contacted immediately for an afternoon appointment. Mr. Slug ordered up three wishes and sped off toward home. He was pulled over by a nice officer of the law who let him go with a warning. He had two wishes left, so he made a u-turn and headed for the casino. The parking lot was full, so he wished for a parking spot, and found one quickly. With his one remaining wish, he slid over to the blackjack table and placed his bet. After an hour, Mr. Slug stepped away from the table with enough money to buy Mrs. Slug a new Ab Roller. Mrs. Slug used the device and became a lean mean sliding machine. She was nominated for Slug of the Year and attended an awards banquet where she received a trophy. This made Mrs. Slug squeal with delight. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "I could not have done this without the love and support of my dear husband, Mr. Slug....and of course, a little bit of luck mixed in." The moral to this story is that "Even if you were to buy yourself some good luck, nothing happens without hard work and creative thinking."

Good manners will open the sugar bowl for you every time.

2009-04-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

The above illustration is a fine example of how an individual who wishes to get to the top of the anthill must first introduce him or herself with a smile, and win the affection of the party with whom they wish to transact. Although each of us may sometimes feel like just a number, we need to remember the rules of the game. Mr. Ant says, "A clever ant must always possess the ability to ask for what is needed, and be straightforward and clear with that request." Mr. Slug is more than happy to take time out of his busy executive schedule to accomodate an industrious saleperson who shows up at his office with a friendly confident approach and an honest looking pair of antennae! Mr. Ant has been rewarded for his efforts with a job offer at a cotton candy factory and with a DVD copy of the film, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." He was delighted! Now get out there and put your best exoskeletal leg forward today! (This ad paid for by the United Ant Workers of America, who would like to remind you that, "One ant equals the force of many ants when we all work together toward a common goal.")

Rrrring. Rrring.....Press three to speak to ME!

2009-04-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Every evening at about dinnertime, Mr. and Mrs. Slug are interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. They often receive a call from a tape recorded voice that will try to sell them something. Mr. Slug thought to himself, "Self, why can't we use that same technology to find more employment opportunities?" Mr. Slug found an Auto Dialer machine at a garage sale and hooked it up to his phone line. He made a recorded message asking potential employers to consider hiring him, and let 'er rip. That machine was incredible! It made calls to all corners of the country! Mr. Slug got calls back from the Chief Excecutive Officers of many different companies who were impressed with his marketing savvy. It sure helps to know how to speak the language of big business! Mrs. Slug has suggested that Mr. Slug should simply manufacture and sell the machines to job seekers and write his own ticket instead of working for some other slug. Now THAT's using your tail!

Eat broccoli for increased power and speed!

2009-04-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, Mr. and Mrs. Slug were motivated to sweep the spiders out of the hull of the boat and take her for a spin around Olalla Lake, which is located delightfully close to Slug's Rest. The weather was perfect for a spirited paddling. Mr Slug saw a salamander underneath the surface of the water and jumped in so he could pet it on the back. He dove under the water and greeted Mr. Sally with a hearty hello and a wag of his tail. Just as he broke the surface of the water, Mrs. Slug had a spate of gaseous bodily fumes, exploding loudly in rapid succession, which she is prone to experience after eating a sumptuous lunch of broccoli and califlower florets, consumed greedily, also in rapid succession. You should have been there to see what happened next! The boat took off like a rocket and shot halfway across the lake! It is a good thing that Mr. Slug knows how to swim fast. Mrs. Slug was kind enough to throw her beloved a lifesaver. He ate it at once and climbed back into the boat. The afternoon concluded without further incident. The moral of this story is: "Too many greens mixed with the blue may require a maritime rescue!" or, "Don't take the boat after eating broccoli unless you are ready to rock and roll!

Product testing could take a month or two....

2009-04-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

Mr. Slug does it again! He has invented a device that could put an end to despair, loneliness and corruption. Even the most hardened slug is no match for this love machine. This baby purrs like a kitten and will rumble an irritable and agitated working slug safely to sleep so he or she will wake up rested and ready for another profitable and productive workday. Why, this cuddlematic machine could be just the thing we need to turn this economy around! Three cheers for Mr. Slug!

Don't worry, be snappy

2009-04-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the worries of the day can creep into your dreams and cause even more worries. The current economic conditions are sure to create a rather vivid scenario indeed. Your tender sluggy grey matter must fight back with happy thoughts! Before going to sleep tonight, tell yourself that you are in charge of the dreaming. When the cop tries to give you a ticket, imagine that it is not a traffic ticket, but a winning lottery ticket! That car you are living in is a Jaguar, and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a Creme Brulee! The smell emanating from the car is not sluggy odor, it is now Old Spice New "Sporty Fresh" scent! There is only one thing that should remain unchanged in the above picture.....The doo rag can still be a doo rag because Mr. Slug looks too cool for school in it.

Safety can be fun.....Fun can be dangerous!

2009-03-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

O.K. gang, gather round. Is this microphone working? Too loud? Good. Eyes forward please. Today we will discuss safety in the workplace. My name is Mr. Slug, but today, you can call me "Mr. Safety." Your safety is important to me, and today I intend to make it important to you. Please write the word on your worksheet. Stare at it, remember it, live it. Imbedded in the word "Safety", one will find the following words: FAST, STY, SAT, SAY, EAT, FAT, STAY, YES, YET, AFT, TEAS, SEAT, and a few more that can be found on your own time. You will notice that many of these words contain a certain element of risk. This demonstration proves that even the safest and most attentive slug must be on top of his or her game at all times. Do not trust that another co-worker slug will be watching out for you. Every slug must be on the lookout for potentially unsafe situations and act upon them immediately. Watch your tails you slugs! Look alive and pay attention at all times! Ignore the danger signals, and you are likely to get your tail burned! Thank you for attending today. Please pick up your proof of attendance card as you slide out. This safety class funded in part by Oregon Slugs Hazard Avoidance. "Slide Smart, Slide Safely"

Take a look what they've won! A day at the spa!

2009-03-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

It seems that slugs everywhere have been forced to work harder than they have ever worked, that is, if they are lucky enough to have a paying situation. If you are the "Boss", that is, an employer of slugs, you must remember to reward your best employees with incentives to keep those sluggy minds lively and supple. They must be ready to rock and roll and be the best at what they do. Mr. Slug has a business tip for you: "Begin your day with some light sliding, and then make a few phone calls to some prospective buyers to set the tone for a productive and profitable day. I see a glimmer of hope on the financial horizon! Set the dial on high! Warm those bellies! Look lively you slugs! Sell! Sell!" (This motivational message paid for by the Belly Baker Corporation of HamHock Valley, Oregon)

Now that's "Livin'!"

2009-03-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight you might be here checking on the Adventures of Mr. Slug and Friends because you found yourself sitting in a catatonic state in front of a TV set saying, "How come we are paying for 160 channels and I can't find one thing that interests me?" We are honored to have you here as a visitor here at our comfortable and spacious estate that we refer to as Slug's Rest. Please kick off your shoe, put on a tail sock and a slipper and make yourself at home. We are here to help. Mr. Slug will set you up with a refreshment and a bit of music for your enjoyment. Mr. Slug asks, "Would you care to dance?"

This is where you need to pay attention if you want to break out of the catatonia.....If someone asks you to dance, you must accept! Yours truly has recently purchased a 1961 Magnavox Hi Fidelity Stereo Console with a full 50 watts of tube amplified musical nirvana. When Mrs. Slug helped him load the unit into the truck, she said, "This thing weighs a ton. Did they leave the records in it too?" Indeed they did, Mrs. Slug, indeed they did. Mr. and Mrs. Slug were delighted to find a very special collection of mint condition record albums inside the storage of the handsome walnut veneer cabinet with little fake drawer pulls. Incredible! Mr. Slug took the turntable apart and tuned up the motor for a flawless spin. The unit came to life with the sounds of "Hawaiian favorites, Song of the Islands (Marty Rollins), and "Tumbleweed Trail, (Sons of the Pioneers)." After listening to a number of great tunes, Mrs. Slug immediately slid over to to her local library so she could round out the evening entertainment with a good read. She is now snuggled in her bed at the end of a perfect spring day. She will, of course, hand the book to Mr. Slug because the only thing better than a good book is having someone read it to you. What could be better? Certainly not that boring old TV!

Your business is Mr. Slugs business!

2009-03-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

When it comes to doing business, Mr. Slug has a motto....Mr. Slug says, "Let your belly guide your decisions. If you have a gut feeling that an important decision must be made and the axe has got to fall, swing that axe hard and make a nice clean cut." In a recent Fortune 500 interview, Mr. Slug gave the following advice. He stated, "Nothing can move forward without decisive action. A slug must take responsibility for his actions, a willingness to deal with the ensuing fallout, and develop a plan that will get his corporation through the lean times. Distance yourselves from shifty eyed slugs. Keep your most hard working trusted slugs informed of your moves, slide with a purpose. America, start your engines and turn off your televisions! Don't let anyone tell you that it is a bad time to do business! I love the smell of my photocopier in the morning! O.K., everyone, repeat after me....... I'm a lean, mean, gooey selling machine!!" This motivational message has been paid for by the I.B.S. of America (Independent Business Slugs of America)

Try a little tenderness

2009-03-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

All of that work on the new driveway has been taking its toll on Mr. Slug this week, and he does not seem to be getting the sympathy that he would like from his peers. Even though the driveway is smoother, the highway is a dangerously uncomfortable slide this time of year. You really need to watch your sliding. Anything can happen! A gravel rock can hit you right in the snout when the traffic passes! As the winter wears on, it just gets worse. The road bed is so rough that Mr. Slug needs a heavy steel plate to strap on his belly to keep from getting scraped. The steel plate that Mr. Slug slides on has been ruined from too many highway miles, and is proving to be ineffective protection from the rough road. Good thing Mr. Slug has his Mrs. Slug to comfort him and rub salves and ungents into his tender dermis!

Follow your dreams and your belly machines

2009-03-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

The winter rain and snow has made a wreck of the gravel driveway leading up to the house at Slugs Rest. There are numerous dips and gullies where the road was once smooth and easy to slide on. Even the deer are avoiding it, which is distressing for the local cats who enjoy chasing them through the yard. Mr. Slug has a dream - he would like to smooth out the driveway and install some new paving stones like the ones you see in a James Bond movie under the tires of Mr. Bond's specially built Jaguar with the seat ejector button and the oil slick button and the slicing knives that stick out from the axles so that anyone trying to follow him can be made to swerve wildly so he can get away and save the world from the likes of Goldfinger or some such villian. At the entrance to the driveway would be a pair of gargoyle attack slugs with smiling faces and a big imposing gate with an intercom system that you would have to talk in to before being allowed admittance to the compound. The first order of business will be to hire those paving slugs right away! The rest will take care of itself! The name is Slug.......James Slug.

More time to barbeque, less time to sleep!

2009-03-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

There is something about the sound of an alarm clock that makes you feel like you might be in trouble with the law - your heart beats faster, the room seems colder and you wish you could just stay in bed and make that alarm clock go away and leave you alone. Don't be so hard on your alarm clock, or Mr. Clampy for that matter, they are both just trying to keep you earning an honest days wage for an honest day of work, and that also means being on time to said employment situation. I know what you are thinking.......(Get real! Mr. Alarm clock is not your friend! He and that dratted Mr. Clampy can go play on the freeway with a pack of angry ostriches! Leave me alone Mr. Alarm Clock!.... LEAVE!....ME!..... ALONE!) If this is what you are thinking, then I suggest that you grab yourself a nice cup of decaffinated tea and turn in early on Sunday night. After all, it was Mr. Daylight Saving Time that has caused all of this civil unrest, unless of course, you are lucky enough to live in Arizona USA. That is where they send all of those stolen hours from the rest of the country and then tack them on to the summer. That is why it is so darned hot there, but, I am wandering from my point I was trying so hard to make......You may want to blame that sneaky Mr. Daylight Savings for your troubles and leave the innocent time enforcement officials out of this! Instead, I urge you to send a thank you card to Mr. Alarm Clock and Mr. Clampy! They are just trying to do their job.

My pillow needs fluffing, so let's hire a pro!

2009-03-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

What used to take an hour or two now has become an all day affair! At least all receipts have been found lurking in the glove box of the car or the back of the writing desk and Mrs. Slugs purses (that are last years fashion), hanging in the closet getting dusty. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty! Smile as you prepare your 2009 taxes, and don't forget, it all goes to a good cause. Now get out that pen and start writing some checks, or you might end up with a Mr. Clampy attached to your tail! After the taxes are paid, Mrs. Slug has decided to dust off her purses and give them another run, especially that cute pink handbag with the clasp that goes "Snap" real loud when you close it.

Exciting new invention! The store will be complete pandemonium!

2009-02-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

Mr. Slug was pleased that he was able to take care of all of his business appointments while in Los Angeles. He will return to Oregon triumphant! Mr Slug returns with the newest innovation in personal tail accessories, the Powda-Pal sock powdering device, which is scheduled to be released at the end of this week if all goes smoothly. Sleek and efficient, this little puppy delivers the finest tail powder and tickle that money can buy! Made in the U.S.A. from Titanium alloys and accented with natural finished wood veneers. Available in pink, red, seafoam green and black to match your fussiest decor! Your tail will thank you!

What did you put in there? Rocks?!

2009-02-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

It is a good thing that Mr. and Mrs. Slug know how to pack light when they travel, as there are new restrictions on the amount of weight allowed per piece of luggage. Mr. and Mrs. Slug used to include a stash of water to keep a high moisture content, but now they just buy it when they arrive at the destination....well, just a couple of water bottles shouldn't make much difference.............Hoist them on up and to the scale and say your prayers!

Shake your tail feather!

2009-02-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Slug walked in on her husband while he was perfecting the first of two wings he is designing for his frequent trips to LA. He does not really need them, as he has already booked a flight on his favorite commuter airline, SLUGAIR, who are enjoying a profit in the first quarter despite the economy. It seems that slugs everywhere are choosing to live it up and travel, after all, if the financial markets are no longer sailing, then flying around is the obvious thing to do when the economic outlook is downright sluggish! We're goin' to Disneyland! No, wait...we went there last time.......I think this trip we will go to the La Brea Tarpits and see the brand new giant Wooly Mammoth that was found at a construction site recently! Yeah!!! Large bowls of Pho soup for everyone! Taco truck, here we come! Griffith Park Merry Go Round, start your pipe organ! It's time to riiiiide!

LOVE........ It's 100% Organic!

2009-02-26T20:21:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Slug is one of those "Green Slugs" who takes an interest in renewable sources of energy. She has found that the finest organic product available at her local Love Farm is also of the best quality, easily recycled, and more delicious and tasty than the processed varieties. Purchase in small or large quantities, and sprinkle liberally throughout your daily activities. Become a preferred customer and enjoy all of the benefits of being a club member!

"Honey!" " Help me!" " I'm stuck, and I can't slide!"

2009-02-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

The morning started out nicely enough. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. Everything was right with the world, when suddenly, Mrs. Slug heard a faint cry coming from the other side of the house. When she arrived at the scene, Mr. Slug was doubled up, groaning and looking rather strained. He said, "It's an old injury from an incident that involved a car that hit me from behind. My tail has a muscle spasm every now and then." Seeing the agony that her dear husband slug was in, she immediately sprung into action, and within minutes, Mr. Slug was fit as a fiddle and dancing a jig!
Mrs. Slug has a theory that Mr. Slug needs more potassium in his diet, and thereby should eat more bananas. Mr. Slug begs to differ. He has a theory that he needs more ice cream, and that Mrs. Slug should run out to the store and purchase the flavor of his choice so this kind of thing won't happen again!

Escaped boat elludes police, news at 11

2009-02-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

If you were attending the Seafood and Wine Festival in Newport Oregon today, you may have spotted a wild looking boat on a trailer. It had separated itself from the tow rig. The boat was laughing maniacally, while it wove in and out of traffic, without regard for the safety of others. Mrs. Slug spotted the scofflaw near the intersection of Highway 101 and Bay Street. She promptly notified the authorities using her trusty slugphone. The police set up a roadblock and successfully stopped the vehicle with a tack strip. A field sobriety test was performed and failed. The police called in Mr. Clampy for assistance, who placed a clamp on the rudder. The boat was arrested and housed at the Lincoln County Courthouse. Bail has been set at 250,000.00 and three crab rings full of live crabs, which shall be released back into the sea, along with the boat, when bail is posted.

Quit staring at me!

2009-02-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

After Mr. and Mrs. Slug returned from their cruise vacation, Mr. Slug noticed that his tail had a tremendous itch. Dr. Sluggo looked at the angry welts on the tender tail and replied, "This is a serious case of taildermatosis. It may have been caused by sliding around without proper tail protection on the Lido Deck. It is a common condition when the tail is exposed to the abrasive salt air. See you again next Wednesday." However it happened, Mr. Slug is going to wear the collar without complaint until the tail heals, otherwise Dr Sluggo will have to encapsulate the offended dermis with a tail cast so that the tail can heal properly. How come fun always seems to have a high price?!

Everything is included...the entertainment, the food, the works!

2009-02-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

In these troubled times, it is even more important to remember that a slug should not stop living. Watch your pocketbook while you enjoy the finer things in life. As Mr. Slug says, "You only slide once." A slug should strive to get the best value for his gooey, hard earned dollar. Mr. and Mrs. Slug love all of the extras that a cruise vacation offers, especially the on-board musical stage shows with the elaborate costumes and perky performers! Mr. and Mrs. Slug have dancing tails on tonight! Well done! That's making your dollar work for you!

Try our full compliment of Love Machines! Available Now!

2009-02-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

For an unlimited time only, this heavy duty love machine has been made available aboard the Love Stoat Cruise Lines. It works even better in the rough weather when the ship is rockin' and rollin'! Immerse yourself in gooey love....you will never want to return to land again!

Reapply the sunscreen before falling asleep on the Lido Deck

2009-02-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

They won! They won BIG! Yay! Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a run of good luck! Mr. Slug says, "When you are on a roll, just go with it. Cash those winning tickets in as soon as possible, and don't forget to bring your swim suit. Oh yeah - if your wife falls asleep in her lounge chair, you better wake her up before she is visibly pink and her tender slug skin is sunburned. Your fabulous streak of luck could be in danger if you do not follow the proper guidelines on the cruiseline."

An atmospheric disturbance of the peace

2009-02-12T23:56:00.000-08:00

Mr. Slug's grandmother used to say, "Better an empty house than a bad tenant." This particular bit of advice from his notorious elderslug may get him into a bit of trouble with the law! The police had better slap the cuffs on him quick before he lets another one loose!

Mr. Slug's education pays off!

2009-02-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

Since Mr. Slug has been teaching a class in tailwagging, Mrs. Slug has been having dreams related to daily life. Sometimes dreams can be so real! Slide! Slide Mr. and Mrs. Slug! Slide for your lives!

Class begins promptly at 8:00 am, don't be late!

2009-02-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

Every youngster needs a good role model to look up to. An adult who cares about the future of our youth. Someone who takes an interest in teaching poise, good manners and discipline. The adult needs to be a patient fellow, who keeps his composure when the youngsters need a litle extra help with a new and difficult task. Now, everysluggy, repeat after me......"Tail wagging is FUN!!!"

Thrills and chills in coolsville

2009-02-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

Being sick is no fun, especially when you are a slug with a belly that is already quite gooey. Add the extra goo that comes with a sinus drip and you have a very gooey wife, indeed! Despite the fact that Mrs. Slug is under the weather, our busy little Mrs. Slug has been practicing her new xylophone for a part she wishes to audition for. Mr. Slug insisted that she put down her mallets and get some rest, or he will apply the Mr. Clampy to her tail along with the medicine! Mrs. Slug gently laid down her mallets and allowed Mr. Slug to administer the Vicks. She said that she will be a good Mrs. Slug if Mr. Slug will "please get her a bowl of ice cream." Mr. Slug went out to the store and bought his wife the flavor of his choice because she won't be able to taste it. Something is not right with this picture!

Shhhh! Be quiet and let me do all the talking.

2009-02-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

To supply the much needed capital for his new business, (selling the auxiliary brain sponges at the Emporium,) Mr. Slug is now employed with the school district as a transportation technician. Mr. Slug mistakenly thought that the short buses have a top speed of fifty miles an hour, but it turns out that these precision driving machines can move much faster than the bigger buses. These babies have a turbo-charged Detroit Diesel and a souped up dual exhast with all the trimmings! No mamby pamby rigs for this Mr. Slug! Get outta the way! Oh yeah, except for you, Mr. Officer, Sir......I shall watch my speed and weaving in the future. Thank you for the warning. It won't happen again.

Take the short bus to the factory outlet sale!

2009-02-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

Knowing your customer base is one of the key factors to the success of a small business. If your customers are basically clueless, then offer them something they can really use! Let your team of talented and persuasive sales-slugs guide them toward the purchase, then watch the cash roll in. Soon, there will be a Mr. Slug's Brain Emporium in every major metropolitan area. Don't delay! Your future is now! Buy your franchise before everyone else buys a new brain from Mr. Slug and thinks of it before you do!!!!! Hurry!

Mr. Canopener feels slighted!

2009-02-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

Modern technology has a way of taking away that personal touch from everyday transactions. Does anybody have a can of beans they need opened? No pop tops, please! You will hurt Mr. Canopener's feelings, and we don't want that. You know how dangerous he can be when he is angry!

Flip me like a pancake

2009-01-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

Even a cattle prod to the belly won't wake Mr. Slug today, his wife kept him up all night by making him play with the bedside laptop computer. Mr. Slug says that he needs to rearrange his sleeping schedule, as it is causing him to have strange dreams. I think it is time that we invest in one of those alarm clocks that makes the relaxing sounds of the ocean and birdies and other soothing settings........Mr. Slug says that he needs his Mrs. Slug to simply get to bed earlier.... Mrs. Slug says that he is probably right. Why? Because he is Mr. Slug, that's why! He is the head of the house. When Mr. Slug says, "Now brush your rasp and get to bed!" Mrs. Slug says, Righty-o Professor!"