Sunday, October 9, 2011
Mr. Slug used his new laptop computer to email his best employee, Mr. Lunchbox and sent a carbon copy of the same to Mr. Canopener. In the missive he requested that the two be up and ready for the days work, stocked and ready for duty with his favorite lunch repast at approximately 6:00 in the morning. The reply he got from the two reads as such:
"Dear Mr. Slug, employer extra-ordinaire,
We hope this email finds you well. Both myself and Mr. Canopener regret to inform that we have a previous engagement at the television studio tomorrow and cannot work for you. We have been chosen as the celebrity guests of "Dancing with the jars," and have been awarded a healthy stipend for our appearance on the show. We hope you are able to find a temporary replacement for us while we are out on the dancefloor of fame and fortune.
We remain, your most obediant servants,
Mssrs. Lunchbox and Canopener, stars of stage and screen.
Mr. Slug read this letter with shock and amazement. He did not know that they had been practicing during the period of unemployment over the summer, and was stunned by the sudden unavailability of his two favorite employees. "What ever shall I do?" muttered Mr. Slug to himself. "I suppose I must go it alone and make the best of things while they have fun dancing. I shall employ the services of Mr. Lunchbag, even though he is somewhat unreliable and loose of tongue.
Off to work they went, Mr. Lunchbag trailing closely behind the hard working mollusk. They completed the samples efficiently and went to the lunchroom at breaktime. Over in the corner, a TV set was providing backround noise for the diners, when suddenly, the music changed to a snappy sounding salsa beat with the contestants of the popular show "Dancing with the Jars" swirling gracefully across the dancefloor! "Look! It's Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener! They are doing so well! Look at 'em go!" Indeed, the dancers were the finest contestants the show had ever seen. They hopped and spun about with effortless movement, dipped and swayed boldly in front of the judges like they had been dancing all of their lives. What an upset! The two former foodservice employees from coastal Oregon took the grand prize! All of the other celebrities shook their heads in disappointment as they congratulated the two victors.
During the commercial break, Mr. Slug offered Mr. Lunchbag a full time position until the two return from Hollywood. "Why Mr. Slug!" said the stunned paper product, "I never thought you would ask! Hey, why don't we go out for a quick tipple to celebrate my new job after work, I know of a nice watering hole we could visit on the slide home." Mr. Slug was leery, but agreed to go. On the way home, the two stopped for some suds at a place called "The Twisted Tentacle." It was a small establishment, with a long counter and red diamond tuck swivel barstools. The employer and his new employee toasted to the new job. Then they toasted to each others health. Then they toasted the continued cloudy weather, Mr. Slug's Irish Grandmother and to the continued success of Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener as dancers. By the time they were done toasting, they needed to call a taxi, which they did. On the ride home, Mr. Lunchbag, who was now double bagged, began to talk to the driver. "Hey, mishter! do you like dansching?" The driver looked in his rear view mirror, grimaced, and said, "I don't like the way you look. Say one more thing, and I am stopping right here." Mr. Slug tried unsuccessfully to get his new employee to stay quiet. The driver stopped the taxi and opened the door. "Get outta my cab, have a nice slide home."
Oh my! Mr. Slug and Mr. Lunchbag were in a spot - they need to be at work in a few hours and they aren't even home yet! Mr. Slug decided to make an executive decision and turn around to go back to work instead of going home. They found a nice pile of leaves to sleep under until morning. At least they were on time for work!
The next day in the lunchroom, the TV was on again, and there were a new set of dancers on the Dancing With The Jars show. "Where are Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener?!"
Just then, the two celebrities walked into the break room, wearing slick new gold colored suits and tap shoes asking "Did you miss us?" Mr. Slug said, "Did I ever! We were out celebrating your victory last night and got in to a bit of trouble. I hope we have learned our lesson, eh, Mr. Lunchbag?" Mr. Lunchbag looked at Mr. Slug and winked at his employer with a very red eye. "Mr. Slug, with all due respect, if I can find myself a dance shoe that fits my attractively boxy figure, I'm going to Hollywood too!" With that, Mr. Canopener twirled violently and said, "You! Lunchbag! You come with me! We go to Brazil to dance! Wheeeeee!!".....And off they went to catch the next Boeing 787 Dreamliner loaded with 288 other slugs out of the country.
The moral to this story: Not only is it hard to find good help that will refrain from acting on impulse, it is even harder to find something approproate to wear on the dancefloor if you are oddly shaped.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Today, Mr. Slug decided to be a useful slug and get some chores done around the house at Slug's Rest. Fall is quickly approaching, and slugs everywhere are getting ready for the long and wonderfully wet Oregon winter. The weeds have grown so tall that the dandelions are beginning to look like palm trees from Mr. Slug's point of view. Might be time to mow the grass and spruce the place up. "But first," thought Mr. Slug, "we must have the proper tool for the job." Mr. Slug slid around the grounds for a bit, taking stock of the enormous job that lay before him. He headed back toward the open kitchen window. The scent of a freshly baked blackberry pie cooling on the windowsill wafted across Mr. Slugs snout, which made him glad to be home on such a lovely day in the fragrant and windless late summer air. "Honey, I will be outside in the garage if you need me," Mr. Slug smiled broadly as he shouted over his shoulder to Mrs. Slug.
It had been a long time since Mr. Slug had been the garage to look for anything, there were stacks of boxes and unfamiliar tools strewn about the place. He flicked on the bare light bulb overhead, which cast an eerie shadow over all of the forgotten belongings. Over in the darkest recesses of his garage, Mr. Slug spied a very strange looking gentleman with a long set of whiskers and a sinister look to his eye. This particular chap looked like trouble, so Mr. Slug proceeded with caution and tried to be pleasant as he started to back away from the menacing and scary individual.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked the stranger. Mr. Slug was not sure how to answer this question, being that it is his house and he did not recall sending out any invitations to any sticks with whiskers.
Suddenly, he heard a click and a whir and the smell of gasoline filled his gills, making him feel woozy. The stranger's whiskers were whizzing about in circles and the stick-like figure buzzed to life! BZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZ! BZZBZZZBZZZZ! Mr. Slug backed away and slid for his life, knocking over boxes and sending piles of books flying everywhere. "Aghghgh," yelled Mr. Slug as he slid behind his beloved old unicycle with the flat tire, putting the spokes between him and his attacker.
Mrs. Slug heard the commotion and came to the rescue wielding a very large rolling pin in one tentacle and a cellphone in the other. "You leave my husband alone or I will call the snails!" Mrs. Slug released the rolling pin in the direction of the interloper. The weedwacky lunged and darted left and right, but Mrs. Slug's aim was true and quite effective! KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! KEKEKEKEKEBowwwwww...........click. Silence. Then a pathetic whimper came from under the pile of books. Mrs. Slug's quick thinking trapped one of the whiskers in the roller of the pin, dislodging it from the lawn care tool and effectively rendering the weedwacky useless. "That is what you get for scaring my dear husband!" Mrs. Slug said to the now harmless stick. The weedwacky gathered up what was left of his mangled handlebar mustache and borrowed Mrs. Slugs' cellphone to call the Mrs. to pick him up from the corner mini-mart.
What is the lesson we learn from this event, you ask?
Number one: If you are a menacing weedwacky device, make sure you are equipped with plenty of green plastic string so you can be menacing for hours. The minute you lose that string, your done. I hate it when that happens.
Number two: If you plan to do yardwork, make sure your beautiful and clever wife is present somewhere on the property, you never know when you will run in to trouble with a garden implement and need the help of a wifely tentacle!
Number three: Husbands everywhere heed this warning from your wives - don't let the weedwhacker become a stranger! Gentlemen, start your engines!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I hope you have enjoyed your tour of Mr. Slugs favorite business pastime! Go get em!
By the way, this series of photos are meant to be viewed with the previous post, so slide on down to see the technique that Mr. Slug uses to hit a golf ball without the need for those pesky arms that just get in the way of a flawless game. See you at the clubhouse!
Recently, some photographs were taken of actual slugs on a golf course near Slug's Rest. Every effort was taken not to disturb the game. Please stay tuned for history in the making as we take you to the Masters Tournament at Sluggle Beach Golf Course in Oregon!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Reading text while eating is like texting and driving....don't do it!!! Also, if you own an "icky blue pen," get rid of it!!!
Special rare slug alert: ***For those of you slug historians who are interested, this undated "blue ink on Brawny" napkin is another one of those rare documents that was lost for a time in the glove box of Mr. Slugs ancient Slugburban 8 cylinder sliding vehicle. It is a brown vehicular conveyance which was the daily slider for Mr. Slug to get to work for many years. He cleaned out all of the trash one day and found a large handful of rare and quite valuable slug napkins, some of which were water damaged and blurry due to the delicate blue ink which they were drawn with. Once it was determined that a pen like that is death to a slug napkin, it was no longer employed. The napkin you see here is one of the best preserved of the napkins of this vintage, so enjoy it and savor it for there are not too many of these "icky blue pen" slug napkins left in the entire world.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The director of the commercial Mr. Slug just yelled, "Cut" and it is a wrap. The director has informed Mr. Slug that the new Slugginator 3000 commercial will be aired alongside disaster documentaries and reality television shows.
The Slugginator 3000 has surpassed all sales records for January and promises to be the hottest ticket in town. Mr. Slug has cleverly housed the revolutionary device inside of an enormous warehouse space which used to be the site of a disco dance club in the older section of downtown Portland Oregon. The creation of his exclusive club allows him to accomodate the largest number of slugs possible for a profitable return on his initial investment.
The news media was at the club last night and interviewed Mr. Slug about this latest new health and fitness craze. "Automated Tail Wagging is sure to surpass Pilates, Spinning and Zumba in fitness popularity. Once the tail begins to wag, the slugs suddenly wish to dance. After a vigorous and happy tail wag, a slug can produce a great amount of slime which will help the slug to more effectively 'slide the night away' under the glittering mirror ball and thumping speakers."
Outside of the building, slugs are lined up around the block for a quick change in disposition. The line of slugs has gotten so long, in fact, that celebrity slugs have been known to slide to the front of the line on expensive stretch limosine belly sliders, demanding immediate entrance to the wonder machine. "Don't you know who I am?!" the celebrity slugs say, then they flash a bit of lettuce to the doorman and he lets them in.
Arguments between the everyday working slugs and celebrity slugs waiting in line behind the velvet rope have gotten quite ugly, so Mr. Slug has decided to level the playing field. He shall require each slug in line to recite a limerick or Haiku before granting a ticket for admittance. Even Lady Ga Ga would not be able to get in without a snappy poem to present to our doorslug, not even if she was dressed in her best yolk while hiding inside of a sizeable sweat inducing plastic egg, not even if said egg was carried by scantily dressed and fashionably shoulder implanted valets. One wonders if she had good cellphone reception in there, I suppose she could always call her caterers and have a Haiku or limerick cooked up at once and sent over in a pink cakebox for Mr. Slugs approval......However, Mr. Slug might not let her in if he found that the limerick had no rhyme or the Haiku had no reason.
That's right, no slug or egg yolk shall be allowed admittance to the tailwagging club without the aforementioned limerick/Haiku requirement. Call it poetic justice if you will.
If you are a slug who would like to gain entrance to the exclusive Tailwagger's Ball, please submit your best limerick or Haiku for inspection by Mr. Slug's friendly staff in the form of a comment! Please keep your optical tentacles behind the line and make sure you have no holes in your tailsock.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mr. Slug feels strongly that his "slide in, suds up and slide out" franchise will become all the rage, once the local slugs realize that they no longer have to wait for siblings to finish up in the bathroom in order for them to get going in the morning.
Mr. Slug is daydreaming, illusions of granduer sparkle in his eyes......"I can see it now, the Scrub-a dub-dubs will be located nextdoor to coffee kiosks and supermarkets across the land! Long lines of stinky slugs will be cleaned up and looking slick for work, thus increasing productivity in the workplace. I, the great and clever Mr. Slug will be invited to speak at wealth building seminars and college graduation ceremonies! I can hardly wait!!!"
Oh my....it looks like Mr. Slug will HAVE to wait until Mrs. Slug finishes up. She is busy taking a shower and poor Mr. Slug hasn't finished the prototype yet...........This could take awhile!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Please note the unbidden tear eminating from Mr. Slugs sad eye....he is about to say goodbye to his favorite holiday visitor, the Holiday Carton of Eggnog! She has packed her bags, squared her jaw, and snapped her purse shut in preparation for a long vacation, away from the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Mr. Slug is concerned that the only eggnog left in the stores in a few days will be the short dated, bloated looking cartons of "flavored" eggnog, such as the pumpkin spiced or vanilla, or worse yet, the eggnog made of soy milk or the "reduced fat" variety. Oh, the horror!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The idea was hatched during last months flight over the country. He looked out upon the rolling heath below and thought to himself, "I wish I had a faster way to complete my morning routine, which has become mundane and boring. I need a fantastic new way to start the day.....Hmmmm......If only I had a machine that would assist me like that farm implement down there in the field, I could get out the door and to class more quickly....Hmmmm....
Mr. Slug began working on the blueprint to his new machine as the holiday season kicked in. He interviewed shoppers in the isles of stores in his neighborhood and soon learned that many slugs do not spend enough time brushing the rasp, (also known as a tooth).
Mr. Slug has a dentist which he is going to visit on Monday morning. If the dentist finds that Mr. Slug has not been doing a good job of diligent oral hygiene, Mr. Slugs dentist will smile at him menacingly and say quietly, "You only need to brush the tooth you want to keep." It is a very intimidating and uncomfortable thing to hear.
Thus, Mr. Slug has been busy in preparation for said dental event. Drum roll please...."Introducing the New Auto-Tooth 100!" Mrs. Slug is assisting Mr. Slug in a demonstration of the machine today, and it seems to be doing the job beautifully. Just a dab of spinich paste on the brush, a flick of the switch, and you are off to the races with a rasp so clean, your wife can see her reflection in it!
"Bravo Mr. Slug! I'll take two!"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
1) A very long spool of kite string.
2) Two kites, unassembled, with adjustable tails in festive colors.
3) One large, industrial strength weather balloon.
4) One TSA full body scanner
5) One carryon bag with a dozen 3oz bottles of water
After gathering the necessary materials for his experiment, Mr. Slug stopped by the public library to read about other brave balloon aviators who have made the journey, so he could get an idea of what to expect. Mr. Slug found that there had been many balloon pilots in the past who had made the mistake of flying too high, where the air is too thin and has no oxygen. One can only imagine what happened to those hapless souls. Mr. Slug promised Mrs. Slug that he would be careful as his insurance will not cover this type of thing should he miscalculate the finer details of the flight.
Mr. Slug took off from the launch pad with the help of his three assistants at precisely 5:00pm. The aircraft went straight up and caught the breeze, which was moving him in a South Easterly direction at 4 miles per hour. At about 6:30 pm, Mr. Slug was famished and landed his contraption in a cow pasture, much to the delight and amazement of the wide-eyed and mooing heifers. Mr. Slug released the helium from the balloon and folded the kites for storage in his backpack. Mr. Slug was proud of himself for his excellent preparation, and wagged his tail as he smiled broadly at the cows. Just then, the farmer who owns the cows came running up to the scene and said, "What's going on over here? I thought I saw a UFO!" Mr. Slug kindly introduced himself and announced that he was not an unidentified flying object, he has his identification card right here if anyone needs to see it. The farmer shrugged and said, "Long as you ain't no alien, I reckon I won't hav'ta shoot 'ya." Mr. Slugs tummy growled audibly. The farmer asked him, "Didja eat?" Mr. Slug said no. "Well, I got me some nice collards down yonder, make yerself at home." When Mr. Slug was finished nibbling, the farmer offered him a ride back to Slug's Rest. They climbed aboard the tractor and headed home at a speed of 10 miles per hour. Cars were lined up and honking behind them. The tractor continued without increasing speed, at 10 miles per hour. Mr. Slug was happy with his progress and was blissfully unaffected by the rude waves and gestures and yelling from the passing vehicles. By the time Mr. Slug got home, it was exactly 7:00 pm. Mr. Slug had spent so much time with his new friend, he started to get a new accent. "Here we are Mr. Farmer, much obliged fer the lift! I promise to bring the missus on over fer supper sometime!" He tipped his optical tentacle forward as if it were a Stetson hat and headed indoors to his loving slimy mate. Mrs. Slug was so happy to have Mr. Slug back, safe and sound.
For future excursions, Mr. Slug needs to know what his total travel miles were so that he may write it in his logbook. Therefore, I present my fellow slugs with the following conundrum:
How far away is the launchpad from Slug's Rest?
How far away is the farm with the delicious collard greens?
Please help Mr. Slug with his calculations before he is forced to send himself back through the TSA scanner and get frisked by someone other than Mrs. Slug!!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Unfortunately, this college is far away from Slug's Rest. Mr. Slug decided he would need to throw his books in a backpack and set off for school to find a room to let for the semester. He bought himself a low cost $200.00 belly sliding plate that would protect his tender dermis from the harsh freeway concrete for the 3 hour drive to school. When he was about a mile from school, he went door to door looking for an affordable room. He came across a fellow snail, but the room was much too small, so he kept looking. After three days of sleeping under bushes, he finally found a nice slug who would share a fully furnished apartment with him. The slug has graciously offered to feed Mr. Slug some leftover leaves, as it is hard to finish an entire stalk by yourself without feeling overstuffed. Mr. Slug is very grateful for the opportunity to go back to school, and he has become a studying machine, capable of leaping tall textboks in a single slide!
In the meantime, Mr. Slug will be running his company while between classes, via a tailtop computer. All of his employess will be in constant contact with him during the school year. Mrs. Slug is in charge of the accounting and the books. She will also oversee the day to day operations of Slug's Rest and will make all important executive decisions in his absence. Mr. Canopener will be handling all of his toughest vendors, while Mr. Lunchbox will be mostly doing sales trips with his business partner Mr. Thermos. Mrs. Slug has advised all employees to stay productive and out of trouble during this important phase of development. Without the increased knowledge, Mr. Slug feels that the firm could fall behind and become obsolete. He has encouraged training classes for everyone once he finishes his initial school terms and earns his slugwater degree. Forward sliding is more essential than ever before, we are in a world of increased sludge and goo. Lets hope they all hold down the fort so Mr. Slug can get some studying done!
Please turn off your television set and open a book, for we all have something new to learn. There will be a quiz for you coming in the next couple of weeks, please have your pencils ready, a scratch paper and calculator will be permitted.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Mr. Slug has invented a new flying device! The "Bubble to Air Conversion Lifter" is worn snugly on the mantle and held on to with the foot. A simple flick of the optical tentacle engages the ON switch and allows a slug to fly effortlessly through the air!
How does this thing work you ask? I will tell you, but be patient, it is highly technical jargon and you must pay close attention:
Flight is achieved by the use of a pressurized cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds: Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum foam, a material so light that it floats on water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder. These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the usual steel outer casing.
To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop, they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground and into the air!
Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena, California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media. Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all systems are GO!
"10...18.104.22.168....5.4. Launch has been delayed for the technicians to repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9...8...7...6....5....4...3..2...1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!
WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one.
Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! The control room erupts into a fury of high fives and applause! Suddenly, the sound of a crackling voice comes over the monitor. It is Mr. Slug trying to acheive radio contact with ground control. "Mr. Slug to ground control. Please come in. May Day - May Day!" He sounds concerned. The entire room goes quiet as Mr. Slug continues, "The flight is going fine, but I may have overlooked one small detail before launching....How do we turn this thing off so we can land??!" (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)
As this is an experimental vehicle, the SPL engineers are perplexed and need your help! Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:
To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of slime is to be added for every pound of volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L, how many pounds of slime should be added?
If any of you slugs you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately! Mr. Slug is depending on you for a smooth landing!! Hurry!!!
(Please note: This particular slug napkin is from the archived collection that was stored in the glove compartment of Mr.Slug's work vehicle for a few years. That car was recently cleaned out and this was one of the napkins found. For those of you who have followed Mr. Slugs adventures, this entry is a rare find, drawn before I began to write the date on the napkin in the lower left hand corner. The initails "BB" stand for Bun Bun, our beloved pet rabbit who used to live in the kitchen. She was very smart and knew how to toss her little toy back to you if you threw it to her. She was present for every peanut butter and jelly sandwich that went into Mr. Slug's lunch. This one's for you Bunski!)
Monday, September 6, 2010
GO DANCING! Yes, that is the only thing to do. Go dancing in circles. Very large circles. Circles so large that a slug needs to calculate the diameter of the circle, lest you get lost and cannot find your way back home to the center, and your dance partner, who is looking at you with two left optical tentacles as you spin around the dance floor wildly!
Have you ever wondered why slug trails are so circular and squiggly? It is because slugs know how to dance. (Cue the James Bond music, "You Only Circle Twice.") Now let's get to the meat of the matter:
Mr. Slug slid round and round. First he danced in very small circles. He made a silvery slug trail that was a mere 8 inches in circumference. He became disoriented from spinning around, so he stopped in his tracks to gain perspective. OK you slugs, here is your first puzzle: What is the diameter of the circle that Mr. Slug made?
Here is your first smarty slug clue: Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
8 inches = 22/7 Diameter
? inches = ?.....Diameter
(break it down one more time and you've got it!
Mr. Slug regained his composure and began to slide in very large circles. Our math hero is now quite lost and cannot find his way home, where his dance partner Mrs. Slug is waiting patiently. Mrs. Slug is now looking at Mr. Slug with two left optical tentacles as he circles her, the diameter of the circle being 9 feet. This is a very large circle, without your help, I doubt Mr. Slug will be able to get back to his wife, who is about to be asked to dance by a Mr. Goldtail. Please hurry with your calculation or Mrs. Slug may get covered with gold paint: What is the circumference of the circular slug trail Mr. Slug has drawn?
I am concerned that perhaps some of you slugs out there are needing a refresher course on the proper way to calculate this sort of problem, which involves the use of "pie" which can be approximated by 22/7 or 3 1/7. The circumference of a circle, then, is about 3 1/7 times the length of its diameter.
Here is a clue for you smarty slugs! Again, it's:
Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
I know this is not going to be an easy slime trail to follow for even the smartest of you smarty slugs. Rest assured that I am not having an easy time of it myself, which is why I am dragging you all down the primrose path with me, as a slug never slides alone. If your brain hurts, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the mantle!
If any of you get these two slimy questions correctly answered, I will give you a vacation from math questions until the mid-terms! Yippee!!!!!
Of course, you are free to comment on this situation without solving the puzzle. Mr Slug has found other creative ways out of a pickle without the need for exact calculation, therefore, your assistance is greatly valued even if it does not involve number rasping. Yippeee!!!! Let's dance!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Hey you slugs! Put on that sliding plate and grab your books! It's time to get ready to go back to school! In our last episode, Mr. Slug struggled with a particularly difficult math question. Much to Mr. Slug's surprise, many of you answered the math question correctly. Bravo to the victors! Mr. Slug would like to reward you with a ride to your next class on the big yellow schoolbus of knowledge. Please keep your mantles and tails inside the bus at all times.
Oh Goody! Today we have a particularly fast school bus driver, which may change the time of arrival to class. If the driver is very fast, we might even have time to nibble on some leaves before homeroom. Therefore, you will need to know the answer to the following math question:
How much time would you save by careening wildly around every corner for 100 miles at a sliding speed of 65 m.p.h rather than a more sane sliding speed of (...cue the music..."I can't slide") 55 m.p.h.?
I know there are some brilliant slugs out there who have already broken out the slide rule and calculator and are feverishly throwing down your comments and tapping on the desk waiting for the rest of the class to put down our pencils so you can wave your tentacles to get the teachers attention and be the first smarty slug to give us the answer. But wait, there's MORE!
How much further would you get if you got a wild hair up your mantle and jumped in the drivers seat, much to the surprise of your fellow classmate slugs who by now are squealing with delight, and hijacked the school bus, driving for 30 minutes at 65 M.P.H. rather than 55 m.p.h.?
Please record your answers in the comments section as you are now accustomed to doing. Please don't dilly dally, we have alot of road to cover!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Mr. Slug found himself feeling groggy in class the next day, and just as suspected, the teacher called a Pop Quiz on the class. The teacher said, "Sylvester Slug wanted to buy 4 basil leaves at his favorite vegetable stand. Sylvester slid across town at an average speed of 3 1/2 m.p.h. and covered a distance of 16 miles. How long did it take for Sylvester Slug to slide?"
Optical tentacles forward all you slugs! You have five minutes to solve the problem. Please use a number two pencil and use the comment section to record your answers.
Ready, Set, GO!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
In this episode, Mr. Rum Bottle rolls himself unsteadily up the gangway, boards the plane and attempts to meet up with two likely looking comrades, the Brothers Coca and Cola, who are a naturally sweet pair of frequent fliers and have no real desire to get mixed up with this bottle of potential trouble. The "Sky sliders" are seated in the exit row across from Mr. Rum Bottle. The group of slugs are feeling quite chipper and want to encourage the meeting of these bottled individuals sitting nearby. Stay tuned and keep that seatbelt tightened around your belly, as I think we might be in for a bit of turbulence during our flight!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Mr. Slug likes his vegetables, but even he has his moments of weakness when he will raid the refrigerator late at night, looking for some tempting treat to eat while he watches his special DVD collection that he bought on EBAY last month. It is every episode of Miami Mice ever made, all five action packed seasons, which have been cleverly and attractively packaged in a cream colored and textured alligator skin box. The only thing that would have made it even better would be if each CD were autographed with a claw print of Mr. Slug's favorite actor who plays "Elvis" in the popular long running television show.
When Mrs. Slug tried to Make Mr. Slug's lunch this fine morning, she was dismayed to find that there were very few lunch items from which to fashion a suitable noonday meal for her beloved mollusk. Mrs. Slug did what all good wives would do in this situation, she cobbled together a substitute lunch made of alternative ingredients! What a smart slug she is! Instead of bread, she put in some nice crackers. Instead of lettuce, she bagged a few frozen peas which would thaw nicely by lunchtime. Instead of an orange, she popped a few vitamin C tablets, which trickled noisily to the bottom of Mr. LunchBag, who was employed because Mr. LunchBOX was completely horrified by the entire business and hopped away in a huff, refusing to be associated with the alternate lunch plan!
Poor Mr. Slug. He has become a very spoiled slug who expects his lunch to look and taste a certain way, and this substitute fare did not cut the mustard as far as his palette was concerned. But who's fault was that I ask you, my dear readers, was it the fault of Mrs. Slug, who does her very best to accomodate the lunch needs of her loving husband slug? I say no, it was the fault of a certain late night snack attack by the very hungry and demanding belly of a certain Mr. Slug!
Your Honor, the defense rests.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
It had been a terrific vacation but now it was time for Mr. Slug to put on his tie and go back to work. He had become spoiled on his cruise to the Bahamas, and found that it was hard to get back into the swing of waking up early for the daily battle. Mr Slug had become accustomed to sliding out of his stateroom, along the banister to the Lido Deck and straight to the salad bar, which was open all hours of the day and night for the guests enjoyment. "Ahhh, this is the life," thought Mr. Slug, as he made the most of his six days at sea. Mr. Slug enjoyed golfing, swimming and playing Baccarat in the ship casino. When it came time to disembark the ship, Mr. Slug found himself sliding very slowly and reluctantly down the gangway and back to his life as a working slug. Mr. Slug was now tanned and fit after his week of luxury! "Things are gonna change at work," thought Mr. Slug to himself. "All we have to eat at the office is soda and candy out of the machine. I think I will call a meeting to address this very serious situation." When Mr. Slug returned to the office on Monday morning, he sent summons to his top producing slimers that a meeting would be called to order immediately. The group of executive slugs met each other in the hallway, next to the food machine. The execs looked at Mr. Slug curiously, as he had never called a meeting outside of the closed doors of the executive slugroom. Mr. Slug said, "I have called you here today for a very serious threat to our productivity, this junkfood machine that spits out foods that slow us down and make us sleepy." Mr. Slug handed out a photo of a juicy looking rutebega to drive the point home. He began, " A slug is naturally tuned to eating large amounts of healthy greens all day long. The work day does not always allow for healthy choices on the slide. Just say no to heavily salted snack foods, they will shrivel a nice soft belly and decrease your overall productivity. For this reason, I have ordered the snack vending company to change our order to only the most succulent greens and tasty fruits and vegetables. I believe we will see an increase in our sales numbers almost immediately, which should help to defray the higher costs of the contents of this snack machine. All slugs in agreement will say Aye." Mr. Slug waited for a moment and was pleased with the overwhelming number of "Aye's" from his fellow businessslugs. Mr. Slug continued, "Think of what we can do, my fellow slugs, if all of our meetings start with a hearty meal? Gentleslugs, we have lot's of work to do now that I am back, and as far as I am concerned, it's officially CRUNCH TIME! Quick! Call the Chamber of Commerce! Let's let the entire business community know that this company has officially GONE GREEN!" A great amount of whooping and hollering could be heard throughout the halls that fine Monday morning, and the slugs were more productive, due to the new produce. More lettuce for everybody!!!! Wooohooo!!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
It certainly has been a very rainy and wet and busy week here at Slug's Rest! There has been so much to do in the course of a day, both slugs of the house have been working through the weekend so nothing gets left undone. The to-do list seems to grow daily with tasks. You may think you have gotten everything done, but one small, ridiculous detail gets overlooked and it becomes a huge ordeal! Why, just last night Mrs. Slug awoke with a start when she realized that she had forgotten to close the sunroof of her automatic sliding machine. She could hear the pouring rain outside, so she prodded Mr. Slug by poking him in the belly to wake him up. "Honey." "WHAT?!, What? What is it? Is everything OK?" Mr. Slug woke up from a very sound sleep. He was somewhat disoriented. "I think I may have left the sunroof open in the auto-slide," said Mrs. Slug.
Mr. Slug, being the gentleslug that he is, purposefully roused his tail from the warm bed and put on his robe to go outside.
Mr. Slug looked adorable in his red terrycloth robe as he vertured outside into the wild weather. It was pouring rain. The interior of the once pristeen auto-slide appeared to be fully soaked. The sunroof was a gaping maw, inviting the droplets to hit the leather seats. Mr. Slug was not amused, nor were the three stuffed animal friends that Mrs. Slug has riding around on her dashboard. These three 'friends' have been riding around with Mrs. Slug for years. They keep her good company on long drives and are better with directions than a GPS device. Besides, they are soft and snuggly. Allow me to introduce Messers. Wormy the green worm, Octy the speckled grey octopus, and Miss Jelly the demure and thoughtful jellyfish. The three friends were not amused and stared blankly at Mr. Slug as he closed up the vehicle. As Mr. Slug finished his midnight task, he shook his head and mumbled, as it was getting very late indeed. Then suddenly.....the sound of rain was replaced with a Crash! Rustle rustle! Bang! Apparently, there were dangerous critters roaming around in the bushes making unsettling noise! Mr. Slug was so startled that he reacted with wide eyed tentacles and slid quickly from the scene, back in the front door and up the banister back to bed, where it was warm and safe. "Was everything all right out there? I heard something outside," said Mrs. Slug. Mr. Slug replied, "Wormy, Octy and Jelly were very confused and upset, and whats more, there is some THING in the bushes, I think it is rather large and scary. Wormy Octy and Jelly are safe now that the vehicle is secure, but now I am rattled and I can't get back to sleep. Please hand me my earplugs." Mrs. Slug did as she was bade and rolled over to go back to sleep. "Goodnight sweetie." Ahhh, peace and quiet. All he could hear now was his own breathing, and then, the sound of a ships horn in the distance!. Mr. Slug finally drifted back into his very inventive and wonderful world of dreams, where he envisioned a sizeable cruise ship pulling into port to take him away from it all for a few fun filled days at sea. Let the confetti fly! Bon Voyage, Mr. Slug!!!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming. The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up." The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug. The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it. As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said. Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?" Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery. Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today, Mr. Slug woke up to an empty underwear and sock drawer. To make matters worse, all of his work suits are out at the cleaners and all he had to wear was a tatty old hooded sweatshirt and a tailsock that was too thin to consider wearing. Mr. Slug decided that he had too much to do at work to take the day off, so he pulled the hoodie over his mantle and slid to the office feeling inappropriately dressed but ready to face the stack of file folders and phone messages on his desk, as well as the expected snickers from his co-workers. Everything was going fine, until.....
Mrs. Slug received a call from Mr. Slug at lunchtime. Mr. Slug said that he was, "in a panic" and to bring him a suit, tie and wingtip tailshoe as soon as possible. He said quickly, "The head honchos are on the way to take the crew to a nice restaurant for a lunch meeting today. It figures that the bosses would pick today of all days. This sweatshirt smells like a gym."
Mrs. Slug knew that there were no clothes available, so she stopped by the nearest haberdasher and bought a new suit, tie, and the finest Egyptian cotton shirt money can buy. She then slid on over to the shoe store and purchased one very special Ferragamo tailshoe made of the softest Corinthian leather upper with a custom stacked heel that even comes with a nifty raised insert to help Mr. Slug look extra tall and important.
When Mrs. Slug arrived at the office, the group of businessslugs were arriving. Some of them were already in the elevator! Mrs. Slug took the stairs, er, handrail, and slid to the tenth floor as fast as she could slide. Mr. Slug was able to slide into his new suit quickly. The businessslugs were lined up in the hallway, waiting for Mr. Slug to join them. Mr. Slug filled the sink with water and soap and went for a quick swim. He dried himself off with the automatic hair dryer and slicked back his optical tentacles with water. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to make sure he had no spinach stuck in his rasp when he smiles. He straightened his new silk tie and smoothed the lines of his coat before saying to himself, "Mr. Slug, you handsome mollusk, you know you got it goin' on. I would sign a six figure contract with you, just because you look so good!" Mr. Slug slid to lunch with the group and gave a hearty flick of the tail back at his loving wife as he left to lunch.
The next day, Mr. Slug held a safety meeting. The topic for the day was, "A good businessslug will always have an emergency suit of clothes on hand for the unexpected meeting or executive lunch. Do not let yourself be caught without the proper threads for a surprise meeting. If you don't have a suit of clothes always on hand, at least have the sense to marry a loving and attentive wife who knows what you look best in and can get them for you in a pinch."
Mr. Slug celebrated with Mrs. Slug by buying her a new dress and an adorable strappy little tailsandal with a jeweled buckle before he took her out to the theater the following weekend. Mr. Slug certainly knows where his bread is buttered!