Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Born to be wild! Get your Washtub runnin'! Head out on your ONE string!

May Day! May Day!......Sometime today!

Mr. Slug has invented a device, which when worn snugly on the mantle, held
on to with the foot and switched on using an optical tentacle, allows a slug
 to fly effortlessly through the air. This is achieved by the use of a pressurized
 cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds:
Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile
 compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum
 foam, a material so light that it floats on
water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet
and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder.
These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the
usual steel outer casing.
To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in
a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop,
they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling
chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground
and into the air!
Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena,
California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just
a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media.
Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle
pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all
systems are GO! "10... Launch has been delayed for the technicians to
repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9.........8..........7............6...
....5....4...........3..2.1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his
optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!

WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting
to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one! 

Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! There is only one problem...........

........How is he going to turn this thing off so he can land??!! Mr. Slug is in radio
contact with ground control.  (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)

Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:

To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of lime is to be added for every pound of
volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge
with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L,  how many pounds of lime should be added?

If you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Keep a safe distance from the dancefloor when you see a twirling canopener!

Mr. Slug has been SOOOOO busy lately! He is needing to employ his good friends Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener for help with his latest business venture, which involves taking water samples and testing them for purity. It is a very time consuming job, which will take most of the day. He will certainly require a nutritious lunch at the mid-day.
Mr. Slug used his new laptop computer to email his best employee, Mr. Lunchbox and sent a carbon copy of the same to Mr. Canopener. In the missive he requested that the two be up and ready for the days work, stocked and ready for duty with his favorite lunch repast at approximately 6:00 in the morning. The reply he got from the two reads as such:
"Dear Mr. Slug, employer extra-ordinaire,
We hope this email finds you well. Both myself and Mr. Canopener regret to inform that we have a previous engagement at the television studio tomorrow and cannot work for you. We have been chosen as the celebrity guests of "Dancing with the jars," and have been awarded a healthy stipend for our appearance on the show. We hope you are able to find a temporary replacement for us while we are out on the dancefloor of fame and fortune.
             We remain, your most obediant servants,
             Mssrs. Lunchbox and Canopener, stars of stage and screen.

Mr. Slug read this letter with shock and amazement. He did not know that they had been practicing during the period of unemployment over the summer, and was stunned by the sudden unavailability of his two favorite employees. "What ever shall I do?" muttered Mr. Slug to himself. "I suppose I must go it alone and make the best of things while they have fun dancing. I shall employ the services of Mr. Lunchbag, even though he is somewhat unreliable and loose of tongue.
Off to work they went, Mr. Lunchbag trailing closely behind the hard working mollusk. They completed the samples efficiently and went to the lunchroom at breaktime. Over in the corner, a TV set was providing backround noise for the diners, when suddenly, the music changed to a snappy sounding salsa beat with the contestants of the popular show "Dancing with the Jars" swirling gracefully across the dancefloor! "Look! It's Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener! They are doing so well! Look at 'em go!" Indeed, the dancers were the finest contestants the show had ever seen. They hopped and spun about with effortless movement, dipped and swayed boldly in front of the judges like they had been dancing all of their lives. What an upset! The two former foodservice employees from coastal Oregon took the grand prize! All of the other celebrities shook their heads in disappointment as they congratulated the two victors.
During the commercial break, Mr. Slug offered Mr. Lunchbag a full time position until the two return from Hollywood. "Why Mr. Slug!" said the stunned paper product, "I never thought you would ask! Hey, why don't we go out for a quick tipple to celebrate my new job after work, I know of a nice watering hole we could visit on the slide home." Mr. Slug was leery, but agreed to go. On the way home, the two stopped for some suds at a place called "The Twisted Tentacle." It was a small establishment, with a long counter and red diamond tuck swivel barstools. The employer and his new employee toasted to the new job. Then they toasted to each others health. Then they toasted the continued cloudy weather, Mr. Slug's Irish Grandmother and to the continued success of Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener as dancers. By the time they were done toasting, they needed to call a taxi, which they did. On the ride home, Mr. Lunchbag, who was now double bagged, began to talk to the driver. "Hey, mishter! do you like dansching?" The driver looked in his rear view mirror, grimaced, and said, "I don't like the way you look. Say one more thing, and I am stopping right here." Mr. Slug tried unsuccessfully to get his new employee to stay quiet. The driver stopped the taxi and opened the door. "Get outta my cab, have a nice slide home."
Oh my! Mr. Slug and Mr. Lunchbag were in a spot - they need to be at work in a few hours and they aren't even home yet! Mr. Slug decided to make an executive decision and turn around to go back to work instead of going home. They found a nice pile of leaves to sleep under until morning. At least they were on time for work!
The next day in the lunchroom, the TV was on again, and there were a new set of dancers on the Dancing With The Jars show. "Where are Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener?!" 
         Just then, the two celebrities walked into the break room, wearing slick new gold colored suits and tap shoes asking "Did you miss us?"  Mr. Slug said, "Did I ever! We were out celebrating your victory last night and got in to a bit of trouble. I hope we have learned our lesson, eh, Mr. Lunchbag?" Mr. Lunchbag looked at Mr. Slug and winked at his employer with a very red eye. "Mr. Slug, with all due respect, if I can find myself a dance shoe that fits my attractively boxy figure, I'm going to Hollywood too!" With that, Mr. Canopener twirled violently and said, "You! Lunchbag! You come with me! We go to Brazil to dance! Wheeeeee!!".....And off they went to catch the next Boeing 787 Dreamliner loaded with 288 other slugs out of the country.
The moral to this story: Not only is it hard to find good help that will refrain from acting on impulse, it is even harder to find something approproate to wear on the dancefloor if you are oddly shaped.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

It's a whacky world, or, "Rolling for hollers"

Today, Mr. Slug decided to be a useful slug and get some chores done around the house at Slug's Rest. Fall is quickly approaching, and slugs everywhere are getting ready for the long and wonderfully wet Oregon winter. The weeds have grown so tall that the dandelions are beginning to look like palm trees from Mr. Slug's point of view. Might be time to mow the grass and spruce the place up. "But first," thought Mr. Slug, "we must have the proper tool for the job." Mr. Slug slid around the grounds for a bit, taking stock of the enormous job that lay before him. He headed back toward the open kitchen window. The scent of a freshly baked blackberry pie cooling on the windowsill wafted across Mr. Slugs snout, which made him glad to be home on such a lovely day in the fragrant and windless late summer air. "Honey, I will be outside in the garage if you need me," Mr. Slug smiled broadly as he shouted over his shoulder to Mrs. Slug.
It had been a long time since Mr. Slug had been the garage to look for anything, there were stacks of boxes and unfamiliar tools strewn about the place. He flicked on the bare light bulb overhead, which cast an eerie shadow over all of the forgotten belongings. Over in the darkest recesses of his garage, Mr. Slug spied a very strange looking gentleman with a long set of whiskers and a sinister look to his eye. This particular chap looked like trouble, so Mr. Slug proceeded with caution and tried to be pleasant as he started to back away from the menacing and scary individual.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked the stranger. Mr. Slug was not sure how to answer this question, being that it is his house and he did not recall sending out any invitations to any sticks with whiskers.
Suddenly, he heard a click and a whir and the smell of gasoline filled his gills, making him feel woozy. The stranger's whiskers were whizzing about in circles and the stick-like figure buzzed to life! BZZZZZZZ!  BZZZZZZ! BZZBZZZBZZZZ!  Mr. Slug backed away and slid for his life, knocking over boxes and sending piles of books flying everywhere.  "Aghghgh," yelled Mr. Slug as he slid behind his beloved old unicycle with the flat tire, putting the spokes between him and his attacker.
Mrs. Slug heard the commotion and came to the rescue wielding a very large rolling pin in one tentacle and a cellphone in the other. "You leave my husband alone or I will call the snails!" Mrs. Slug released the rolling pin in the direction of the interloper.  The weedwacky lunged and darted left and right, but Mrs. Slug's aim was true and quite effective! KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!   KEKEKEKEKEBowwwwww...........click.  Silence. Then a pathetic whimper came from under the pile of books. Mrs. Slug's quick thinking trapped one of the whiskers in the roller of the pin, dislodging it from the lawn care tool and effectively rendering the weedwacky useless. "That is what you get for scaring my dear husband!" Mrs. Slug said to the now harmless stick. The weedwacky gathered up what was left of his mangled handlebar mustache and borrowed Mrs. Slugs' cellphone to call the Mrs. to pick him up from the corner mini-mart. 
What is the lesson we learn from this event, you ask?
Number one: If you are a menacing weedwacky device, make sure you are equipped with plenty of green plastic string so you can be menacing for hours. The minute you lose that string, your done. I hate it when that happens.
Number two: If you plan to do yardwork, make sure your beautiful and clever wife is present somewhere on the property, you never know when you will run in to trouble with a garden implement and need the help of a wifely tentacle!
Number three:  Husbands everywhere heed this warning from your wives - don't let the weedwhacker become a stranger! Gentlemen, start your engines!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

You won't believe this until you see it with your own optical tentacles! Rare slug golf photos!

 Mr. Slug gets ready to address the ball.....Shhhh!!!
 The green on the 9th hole, a very difficult shot with trees, sand trap and water hazard.
 It takes great concentration to play golf, as you can see by the look on this gentleslug here.
One of the most difficult sections, a dogleg over the lake. Hit the ball with all the tentacle you've got!
Mr. Slug says, "Get the ball on the green and use your skills you learned on the miniature golf course. You will enjoy the game more if you play it well and with style!"

I hope you have enjoyed your tour of Mr. Slugs favorite business pastime! Go get em!

By the way, this series of photos are meant to be viewed with the previous post, so slide on down to see the technique that Mr. Slug uses to hit a golf ball without the need for those pesky arms that just get in the way of a flawless game. See you at the clubhouse!

A golf ball is dimpled because it is smiling at you!

All work and no play makes a very dull slug with a light wallet. Mr. Slug uses the game of golf as a tool to get to know his clients better, thus, selling more of his inventions than he would sitting behind a desk nibbling spinach all day long.  Mr. Slug is depicted here giving a golf lesson to a collegue. In order to hit the ball, one must address it properly. Slugs have an advantage on the golf course as they have a firm footing and a keen optical tentacle. They follow all of the usual rules of etiquette, no crossing in front of another golfer with a slime trail, no talking while the optical tentacle is in motion.  Slugs are natural golfers and enjoy the wide open space, the rolling heath, the wondrous fairways. Mr. Slug says, "Sometimes my worst day of golf is my best day for sales. I really ought to play more often!"
Recently, some photographs were taken of actual slugs on a golf course near Slug's Rest. Every effort was taken not to disturb the game. Please stay tuned for history in the making as we take you to the Masters Tournament at Sluggle Beach Golf Course in Oregon!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Reading text while eating is like texting and driving....don't do it!!! Also, if you own an "icky blue pen," get rid of it!!!

Occaisionally, Mr. Slug will have a nibble while studying his school books. He tries to watch what goes in, but sometimes he gets so wrapped up in the subject that he will find he has literally mowed a path through the garden without even stopping to see what he has eaten. Today was one of those perfect days, bright sun, light breeze and the scent of spring flowers in the air. It was a perfect day to study outside, so a rolling cart was prepared for his rather hefty text, and a napkin was tied neatly about the chin.  This method of eating and reading simultaneously works very well for slugs, as they can slide effortlessly as they nibble, absorbing fantastic amounts of knowledge in to the brain as it receives much needed nourishment along the way.  Unfortunately, Mr. Slug was not watching where he was going. He began to pick up some speed down a hill, but was so distracted by his book that he did not notice the loose bricks laying on the ground.  Suddenly, Mr. Slug felt a very heavy sensation in his belly! He had a very difficult time turning himself around and dragging his heavy schoolbook back up the hill. Lucky for Mr. Slug, the lawnmower was sitting at the edge of the yard, so he fired it up and drove himself to the slugspital, where he received quality treatment and a lecture from the good doctor on the dangers of reading while eating.!! Thank you for not being as thick as a brick.

Special rare slug alert: ***For those of you slug historians who are interested, this undated "blue ink on Brawny" napkin is another one of those rare documents that was lost for a time in the glove box of Mr. Slugs ancient Slugburban 8 cylinder sliding vehicle. It is a brown vehicular conveyance which was the daily slider for Mr. Slug to get to work for many years. He cleaned out all of the trash one day and found a large handful of rare and quite valuable slug napkins, some of which were water damaged and blurry due to the delicate blue ink which they were drawn with. Once it was determined that a pen like that is death to a slug napkin, it was no longer employed. The napkin you see here is one of the best preserved of the napkins of this vintage, so enjoy it and savor it for there are not too many of these "icky blue pen" slug napkins left in the entire world.

Friday, April 1, 2011

'Round the world in eighty ways, or "Dizzyness 101"

This morning started off the same as many others, Mr. Slug got up and took a shower, then patted some lubricant on his belly, brushed his rasp and set off to find his adventure for the day. As he slid down the driveway and out to the street, he met the mail slug who was placing the morning's post in the mailbox. "What do we have here?" he replied as he flipped his tail through the mail. "It's my grades for the winter term!! I must see what I got!" Mr. Slug ripped open the letter to find that he had more A's than any other grades. "Yippee!!!"  "Yahoo!!" Mr. Slug danced around on his tail as if he was a child slug again. "I feel so great today, I think I will treat myself to something special!" Mr. Slug was giggling with delight as he headed down the highway to an amusement park in Oregon called Enchanted Village. He had never been there before and decided that today would be the day that he would pay his admission and see if it would change his life. The turnstile clicked noisily as he made his way toward the colorful ferris wheel, lights ablaze! The ride was filled to capacity with other young slugs who are on spring break, going round and round until they were dizzy and disoriented and deliriously happy slugs. They are slugs who are not in class, slugs taking tests, slugs whose snouts are buried in a book titled "Sludge and You - making the best of a sticky situation." No, these were unbridled slugs, young and free, going round and round without a care in the world, and Mr. Slug quivered with anticipation to be able to board the ride with them and squeal to his hearts content! He cared not that he is a fully grown adult slug with a business to run, or that he has homework next week when the new term starts. No, Mr. Slug decided then and there that he shall live a brand new life with this newly informed brain full of technical information and hope for the future! A new life with FUN in it! YES!!! It is Mr. Slug's turn to slide in to the ferris wheel seat and RIIIIIDE!! WHEEEE!!!  Mr. Slug went round and round, round and round. After awhile,Mr. Slug started to feel a bit queasy so he got off the ride and ate his box lunch that he purchased from his favorite restaurant, the Slug and Lettuce, with many locations near you (if you happen to live in London..) It was getting dark, so Mr. Slug bid farewell to all of his new friends and went home to go to sleep. Tomorrow, he will wake up to a new adventure.  That's it. A new day. I bet you thought this story would lead somewhere. It did! Mr. Slug had fun. Mr. Slug found out that the day can be whatever you want it to be!  Some of you smart slugs in business school may have guessed it already...This is just one big AD for ADventure!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I might need to cut down on smiling this month it is getting expensive

"Gather round all you slugs hiding in the bushes with the winter doldrums! Mr. Slug has invented another exciting device that is guaranteed to make you smile!" 

The director of the commercial Mr. Slug  just yelled, "Cut" and it is a wrap. The director has informed Mr. Slug that the new Slugginator 3000 commercial will be aired alongside disaster documentaries and reality television shows.

The Slugginator 3000 has surpassed all sales records for January and promises to be the hottest ticket in town. Mr. Slug has cleverly housed the revolutionary device inside of an enormous warehouse space which used to be the site of a disco dance club in the older section of downtown Portland Oregon. The creation of his exclusive club allows him to accomodate the largest number of slugs possible for a profitable return on his initial investment.

The news media was at the club last night and interviewed Mr. Slug about this latest new health and fitness craze. "Automated Tail Wagging is sure to surpass Pilates, Spinning and Zumba in fitness popularity. Once the tail begins to wag, the slugs suddenly wish to dance. After a vigorous and happy tail wag,  a slug can produce a great amount of slime which will help the slug to more effectively 'slide the night away' under the glittering mirror ball and thumping speakers."

Outside of the building, slugs are lined up around the block for a quick change in disposition. The line of slugs has gotten so long, in fact, that celebrity slugs have been known to slide to the front of the line on expensive stretch limosine belly sliders, demanding immediate entrance to the wonder machine. "Don't you know who I am?!" the celebrity slugs say, then they flash a bit of lettuce to the doorman and he lets them in.

Arguments between the everyday working slugs and celebrity slugs waiting in line behind the velvet rope have gotten quite ugly, so Mr. Slug has decided to level the playing field. He shall require each slug in line to recite a limerick or Haiku before granting a ticket for admittance. Even Lady Ga Ga would not be able to get in without a snappy poem to present to our doorslug, not even if she was dressed in her best yolk while hiding inside of a sizeable sweat inducing plastic egg, not even if said egg was carried by scantily dressed and fashionably shoulder implanted valets. One wonders if she had good cellphone reception in there, I suppose she could always call her caterers and have a Haiku or limerick cooked up at once and sent over in a pink cakebox for Mr. Slugs approval......However,  Mr. Slug might not let her in if he found that the limerick had no rhyme or the Haiku had no reason.

That's right, no slug or egg yolk shall be allowed admittance to the tailwagging club without the aforementioned limerick/Haiku requirement. Call it poetic justice if you will.

If you are a slug who would like to gain entrance to the exclusive Tailwagger's Ball, please submit your best limerick or Haiku for inspection by Mr. Slug's friendly staff in the form of a comment! Please keep your optical tentacles behind the line and make sure you have no holes in your tailsock.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sir, your crazy machine malfunctioned and got soap in my mouth. I want a refund!

Slugs Rest was all in a thither this morning due to one certain slug who insists upon taking a verrrrr-r-r-r-y long shower and using up all of the hot water.  When Mr. Slug slid in to the shower and was greeted with a shockingly C-c-c-cold stream of water, he realized that there might be a market for his newest invention, a washing station for slugs! This idea is not new, however, a standard car wash is too abrasive for a soft bellied slug. The newer brushless carwash will still give a slug a set of pink stripes on his flanken steak.
Mr. Slug feels strongly that his "slide in, suds up and slide out" franchise will become all the rage, once the local slugs realize that they no longer have to wait for siblings to finish up in the bathroom in order for them to get going in the morning.
Mr. Slug is daydreaming, illusions of granduer sparkle in his eyes......"I can see it now, the Scrub-a dub-dubs will be located nextdoor to coffee kiosks and supermarkets across the land! Long lines of stinky slugs will be cleaned up and looking slick for work, thus increasing productivity in the workplace. I, the great and clever Mr. Slug will be invited to speak at wealth building seminars and college graduation ceremonies! I can hardly wait!!!"
Oh my....it looks like Mr. Slug will HAVE to wait until Mrs. Slug finishes up. She is busy taking a shower and poor Mr. Slug hasn't finished the prototype yet...........This could take awhile!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Nog, Nog! Who's there?........Nobody! Hope you have enjoyed my stay!

Happy New Year to all of Mr. Slugs fellow sliders!!! It is always exciting to greet a fresh new year with enthusiasm and verve, but alas, there is one event that Mr. Slug has to face in the month of January that is perhaps even more painful than his customary "better late than never" late post of Christmas cards, sent on the 26th of December.......

Please note the unbidden tear eminating from Mr. Slugs sad eye....he is about to say goodbye to his favorite holiday visitor, the Holiday Carton of Eggnog!  She has packed her bags, squared her jaw, and snapped her purse shut in preparation for a long vacation, away from the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  Mr. Slug is concerned that the only eggnog left in the stores in a few days will be the short dated, bloated looking cartons of "flavored" eggnog, such as the pumpkin spiced or vanilla, or worse yet, the eggnog made of soy milk or the "reduced fat" variety. Oh, the horror!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mr. Slug puts some bite into his business plans!

Yay! Its winter break and Mr. Slug is using his vacation time for the development of a new invention, which will be of great monetary help to pay for the large and imposing stack of textbooks he will need for the next school term.

The idea was hatched during last months flight over the country. He looked out upon the rolling heath below and thought to himself, "I wish I had a faster way to complete my morning routine, which has become mundane and boring. I need a fantastic new way to start the day.....Hmmmm......If only I had a machine that would assist me like that farm implement down there in the field, I could get out the door and to class more quickly....Hmmmm....

Mr. Slug began working on the blueprint to his new machine as the holiday season kicked in. He interviewed shoppers in the isles of stores in his neighborhood and soon learned that many slugs do not spend enough time brushing the rasp, (also known as a tooth). 

Mr. Slug has a dentist which he is going to visit on Monday morning. If the dentist finds that Mr. Slug has not been doing a good job of diligent oral hygiene, Mr. Slugs dentist will smile at him menacingly and say quietly, "You only need to brush the tooth you want to keep."  It is a very intimidating and uncomfortable thing to hear.

Thus, Mr. Slug has been busy in preparation for said dental event. Drum roll please...."Introducing the New Auto-Tooth 100!"  Mrs. Slug is assisting Mr. Slug in a demonstration of the machine today, and it seems to be doing the job beautifully. Just a dab of spinich paste on the brush, a flick of the switch, and you are off to the races with a rasp so clean, your wife can see her reflection in it!

"Bravo Mr. Slug! I'll take two!" 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

This thing is escalating out of control!

Mr. Slug has been in school learning all kinds of new things! Today he was inspired to reach for the clouds, but first he made a quick slide to the hardware store to pick up a few things:
1) A very long spool of kite string.
2) Two kites, unassembled, with adjustable tails in festive colors.
3) One large, industrial strength weather balloon.
4) One TSA full body scanner
5) One carryon bag with a dozen 3oz bottles of water

After gathering the necessary materials for his experiment, Mr. Slug stopped by the public library to read about other brave balloon aviators who have made the journey, so he could get an idea of what to expect. Mr. Slug found that there had been many balloon pilots in the past who had made the mistake of flying too high, where the air is too thin and has no oxygen. One can only imagine what happened to those hapless souls. Mr. Slug promised Mrs. Slug that he would be careful as his insurance will not cover this type of thing should he miscalculate the finer details of the flight.

Mr. Slug took off from the launch pad with the help of his three assistants at precisely 5:00pm. The aircraft went straight up and caught the breeze, which was moving him in a South Easterly direction at 4 miles per hour. At about 6:30 pm, Mr. Slug was famished and landed his contraption in a cow pasture, much to the delight and amazement of the wide-eyed and mooing heifers. Mr. Slug released the helium from the balloon and folded the kites for storage in his backpack. Mr. Slug was proud of himself for his excellent preparation, and wagged his tail as he smiled broadly at the cows. Just then, the farmer who owns the cows came running up to the scene and said, "What's going on over here? I thought I saw a UFO!" Mr. Slug kindly introduced himself and announced that he was not an unidentified flying object, he has his identification card right here if anyone needs to see it. The farmer shrugged and said, "Long as you ain't no alien, I reckon I won't hav'ta shoot 'ya." Mr. Slugs tummy growled audibly. The farmer asked him, "Didja eat?" Mr. Slug said no. "Well, I got me some nice collards down yonder, make yerself at home."  When Mr. Slug was finished nibbling, the farmer offered him a ride back to Slug's Rest.  They climbed aboard the tractor and headed home at a speed of 10 miles per hour. Cars were lined up and honking behind them. The tractor continued without increasing speed, at 10 miles per hour. Mr. Slug was happy with his progress and was blissfully unaffected by the rude waves and gestures and yelling from the passing vehicles. By the time Mr. Slug got home, it was exactly 7:00 pm. Mr. Slug had spent so much time with his new friend, he started to get a new accent. "Here we are Mr. Farmer, much obliged fer the lift! I promise to bring the missus on over fer supper sometime!" He tipped his optical tentacle forward as if it were a Stetson hat and headed indoors to his loving slimy mate. Mrs. Slug was so happy to have Mr. Slug back, safe and sound.

For future excursions, Mr. Slug needs to know what his total travel miles were so that he may write it in his logbook. Therefore, I present my fellow slugs with the following conundrum:

How far away is the launchpad from Slug's Rest?

How far away is the farm with the delicious collard greens?

Please help Mr. Slug with his calculations before he is forced to send himself back through the TSA scanner and get frisked by someone other than Mrs. Slug!!!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Looking for a home is called "homework!"

When we last saw Mr. Slug, he was flying through the air with the greatest unease, mostly because he did not do enough careful research before launching his aircraft. He has decided that he needs more college classes to help him gain a more complete base of knowledge when it comes to dealing with the chemicals used in his inventions. Tonight, Mr. Slug has his optic tentacles buried deep in a technical book entitled, "Wastewater and you."  Mrs. Slug is especially proud of his recent acheivements in the air, and hopes that this latest decision to go back to school will help unravel the mystery of breaking down the solid matter that is present in lumpy water.
Unfortunately, this college is far away from Slug's Rest. Mr. Slug decided he would need to throw his books in a backpack and set off for school to find a room to let for the semester. He bought himself a low cost $200.00 belly sliding plate that would protect his tender dermis from the harsh freeway concrete for the 3 hour drive to school. When he was about a mile from school, he went door to door looking for an affordable room. He came across a fellow snail, but the room was much too small, so he kept looking. After three days of sleeping under bushes, he finally found a nice slug who would share a fully furnished apartment with him. The slug has graciously offered to feed Mr. Slug some leftover leaves, as it is hard to finish an entire stalk by yourself without feeling overstuffed. Mr. Slug is very grateful for the opportunity to go back to school, and he has become a studying machine, capable of leaping tall textboks in a single slide!
In the meantime, Mr. Slug will be running his company while between classes, via a tailtop computer. All of his employess will be in constant contact with him during the school year. Mrs. Slug is in charge of the accounting and the books. She will also oversee the day to day operations of Slug's Rest and will make all important executive decisions in his absence. Mr. Canopener will be handling all of his toughest vendors, while Mr. Lunchbox will be mostly doing sales trips with his business partner Mr. Thermos. Mrs. Slug has advised all employees to stay productive and out of trouble during this important phase of development. Without the increased knowledge, Mr. Slug feels that the firm could fall behind and become obsolete. He has encouraged training classes for everyone once he finishes his initial school terms and earns his slugwater degree. Forward sliding is more essential than ever before, we are in a world of increased sludge and goo.  Lets hope they all hold down the fort so Mr. Slug can get some studying done!
Please turn off your television set and open a book, for we all have something new to learn. There will be a quiz for you coming in the next couple of weeks, please have your pencils ready, a scratch paper and calculator will be permitted.

Monday, September 13, 2010

May Day! May Day! ...........Sometime today!

Mr. Slug has invented a new flying device! The "Bubble to Air Conversion Lifter" is worn snugly on the mantle and held on to with the foot.  A simple flick of the optical tentacle engages the ON switch and allows a slug to fly effortlessly through the air!

How does this thing work you ask? I will tell you, but be patient, it is highly technical jargon and you must pay close attention:

Flight is achieved by the use of a pressurized cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds: Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum foam, a material so light that it floats on water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder. These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the usual steel outer casing.

To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop, they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground and into the air!

Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena, California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media. Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all systems are GO!

"10... Launch has been delayed for the technicians to repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9...8...7...6....5....4...3..2...1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!

WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one.

Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! The control room erupts into a fury of high fives and applause! Suddenly, the sound of a crackling voice comes over the monitor. It is Mr. Slug trying to acheive radio contact with ground control.  "Mr. Slug to ground control. Please come in. May Day - May Day!" He sounds concerned.  The entire room goes quiet as Mr. Slug continues, "The flight is going fine, but I may have overlooked one small detail before launching....How do we turn this thing off so we can land??!" (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)

As this is an experimental vehicle, the SPL engineers are perplexed and need your help! Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:

To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of slime is to be added for every pound of volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L, how many pounds of slime should be added?

If any of you slugs you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately! Mr. Slug is depending on you for a smooth landing!! Hurry!!!

(Please note: This particular slug napkin is from the archived collection that was stored in the glove compartment of Mr.Slug's work vehicle for a few years. That car was recently cleaned out and this was one of the napkins found. For those of you who have followed Mr. Slugs adventures, this entry is a rare find, drawn before I began to write the date on the napkin in the lower left hand corner. The initails "BB" stand for Bun Bun, our beloved pet rabbit who used to live in the kitchen. She was very smart and knew how to toss her little toy back to you if you threw it to her. She was present for every peanut butter and jelly sandwich that went into Mr. Slug's lunch. This one's for you Bunski!)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Math is not a dance in the park

Mr. Slug has been working so hard on his math schoolwork that his poor brain feels somewhat mushy from the numbers that are floating around in his memory as he tries to sleep at night. Mrs. Slug has suggested he listen to some soothing music before bedtime, but this plan has backfired as he ends up even more tired from all of the activity both day and night. What is a poor slug to do?
GO DANCING! Yes, that is the only thing to do. Go dancing in circles. Very large circles. Circles so large that a slug needs to calculate the diameter of the circle, lest you get lost and cannot find your way back home to the center, and your dance partner, who is looking at you with two left optical tentacles as you spin around the dance floor wildly!
Have you ever wondered why slug trails are so circular and squiggly? It is because slugs know how to dance. (Cue the James Bond music, "You Only Circle Twice.") Now let's get to the meat of the matter:

Mr. Slug slid round and round. First he danced in very small circles. He made a silvery slug trail that was a mere 8 inches in circumference. He became disoriented from spinning around, so he stopped in his tracks to gain perspective. OK you slugs, here is your first puzzle: What is the diameter of the circle that Mr. Slug made?
Here is your first smarty slug clue:  Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
                                      8 inches = 22/7 Diameter
                                      ? inches =    ?.....Diameter
                        (break it down one more time and you've got it!
Mr. Slug regained his composure and began to slide in very large circles.  Our math hero is now quite lost and cannot find his way home, where his dance partner Mrs. Slug is waiting patiently. Mrs. Slug is now looking at Mr. Slug with two left optical tentacles as he circles her, the diameter of the circle being 9 feet.  This is a very large circle, without your help, I doubt Mr. Slug will be able to get back to his wife, who is about to be asked to dance by a Mr. Goldtail. Please hurry with your calculation or Mrs. Slug may get covered with gold paint: What is the circumference of the circular slug trail Mr. Slug has drawn?

I am concerned that perhaps some of you slugs out there are needing a refresher course on the proper way to calculate this sort of problem, which involves the use of "pie" which can be approximated by 22/7 or 3 1/7. The circumference of a circle, then, is about 3 1/7 times the length of its diameter.

Here is a clue for you smarty slugs!  Again, it's:        

Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter 

I know this is not going to be an easy slime trail to follow for even the smartest of you smarty slugs. Rest assured that I am not having an easy time of it myself, which is why I am dragging you all down the primrose path with me, as a slug never slides alone.  If your brain hurts, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the mantle!

If any of you get these two slimy questions correctly answered, I will give you a vacation from math questions until the mid-terms! Yippee!!!!!

Of course, you are free to comment on this situation without solving the puzzle. Mr Slug has found other creative ways out of a pickle without the need for exact calculation, therefore, your assistance is greatly valued even if it does not involve number rasping.  Yippeee!!!! Let's dance!


Friday, August 27, 2010

Fish travel in schools, slugs travel in style!

Hey you slugs! Put on that sliding plate and grab your books! It's time to get ready to go back to school! In our last episode, Mr. Slug struggled with a particularly difficult math question. Much to Mr. Slug's surprise, many of you answered the math question correctly. Bravo to the victors!  Mr. Slug would like to reward you with a ride to your next class on the big yellow schoolbus of knowledge. Please keep your mantles and tails inside the bus at all times.

Oh Goody! Today we have a particularly fast school bus driver, which may change the time of arrival to class. If the driver is very fast, we might even have time to nibble on some leaves before homeroom. Therefore, you will need to know the answer to the following math question:

How much time would you save by careening wildly around every corner for 100 miles at a sliding speed of 65 m.p.h rather than a more sane sliding speed of (...cue the music..."I can't slide") 55 m.p.h.?

I know there are some brilliant slugs out there who have already broken out the slide rule and calculator and are feverishly throwing down your comments and tapping on the desk waiting for the rest of the class to put down our pencils so you can wave your tentacles to get the teachers attention and be the first smarty slug to give us the answer. But wait, there's MORE!

How much further would you get if you got a wild hair up your mantle and jumped in the drivers seat, much to the surprise of your fellow classmate slugs who by now are squealing with delight, and hijacked the school bus, driving for 30 minutes at 65 M.P.H. rather than 55 m.p.h.?

Please record your answers in the comments section as you are now accustomed to doing. Please don't dilly dally, we have alot of road to cover!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Attention 101: pre-requisite course of study for all advanced classes

Recently, Mr. Slug has expressed a desire to expand his horizons and go back to school. This has been a very difficult decision to make as he is already a very busy businesslug and fitting classes into the executive schedule seems almost impossible. Mrs. Slug has encouraged this momentus decision and has enjoyed opening up the math book on the dining room table of late, doing math problems while nibbling a bowl of greens with her husband slug.   She noticed he was very tired and sent him to the sleeping chamber early because Mrs. Slug knows that he is liable to have a Pop Quiz at class.

Mr. Slug found himself feeling groggy in class the next day, and just as suspected, the teacher called a Pop Quiz on the class. The teacher said, "Sylvester Slug wanted to buy 4 basil leaves at his favorite vegetable stand. Sylvester slid across town at an average speed of  3 1/2 m.p.h. and covered a distance of 16 miles. How long did it take for Sylvester Slug to slide?"

Optical tentacles forward all you slugs! You have five minutes to solve the problem. Please use a number two pencil and use the comment section to record your answers.

Ready, Set, GO!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I should have stayed out of school.......the conclusion of the 4 part lecture series!

The slugs have all spent a night in the pokey and are now free to continue their vacation, but first, they have been ordered by the court to go to sliding school! Let this be a lesson to all of you slugs out there who do not consider the cause and effect of overindulgence while traveling by means of public transportation. I know it is your vacation and that you are expecting to have a good time, but please remember to slide responsibly or this could happen to you! Oh the horror!

When you're on a roll, nothing can stop your forward progress!

About an hour in to the flight, things started getting really out of hand. The bottles were rolling up and down the isles and the authorities were notified to meet the plane where the slugs and bottles were all taken into custody upon arrival to the gate.