'Round the world in eighty ways, or "Dizzyness 101"

This morning started off the same as many others, Mr. Slug got up and took a shower, then patted some lubricant on his belly, brushed his rasp and set off to find his adventure for the day. As he slid down the driveway and out to the street, he met the mail slug who was placing the morning's post in the mailbox. "What do we have here?" he replied as he flipped his tail through the mail. "It's my grades for the winter term!! I must see what I got!" Mr. Slug ripped open the letter to find that he had more A's than any other grades. "Yippee!!!"  "Yahoo!!" Mr. Slug danced around on his tail as if he was a child slug again. "I feel so great today, I think I will treat myself to something special!" Mr. Slug was giggling with delight as he headed down the highway to an amusement park in Oregon called Enchanted Village. He had never been there before and decided that today would be the day that he would pay his admission and see if it would change his life. The turnstile clicked noisily as he made his way toward the colorful ferris wheel, lights ablaze! The ride was filled to capacity with other young slugs who are on spring break, going round and round until they were dizzy and disoriented and deliriously happy slugs. They are slugs who are not in class, slugs taking tests, slugs whose snouts are buried in a book titled "Sludge and You - making the best of a sticky situation." No, these were unbridled slugs, young and free, going round and round without a care in the world, and Mr. Slug quivered with anticipation to be able to board the ride with them and squeal to his hearts content! He cared not that he is a fully grown adult slug with a business to run, or that he has homework next week when the new term starts. No, Mr. Slug decided then and there that he shall live a brand new life with this newly informed brain full of technical information and hope for the future! A new life with FUN in it! YES!!! It is Mr. Slug's turn to slide in to the ferris wheel seat and RIIIIIDE!! WHEEEE!!!  Mr. Slug went round and round, round and round. After awhile,Mr. Slug started to feel a bit queasy so he got off the ride and ate his box lunch that he purchased from his favorite restaurant, the Slug and Lettuce, with many locations near you (if you happen to live in London..) It was getting dark, so Mr. Slug bid farewell to all of his new friends and went home to go to sleep. Tomorrow, he will wake up to a new adventure.  That's it. A new day. I bet you thought this story would lead somewhere. It did! Mr. Slug had fun. Mr. Slug found out that the day can be whatever you want it to be!  Some of you smart slugs in business school may have guessed it already...This is just one big AD for ADventure!

I might need to cut down on smiling this month it is getting expensive

"Gather round all you slugs hiding in the bushes with the winter doldrums! Mr. Slug has invented another exciting device that is guaranteed to make you smile!" 

The director of the commercial Mr. Slug  just yelled, "Cut" and it is a wrap. The director has informed Mr. Slug that the new Slugginator 3000 commercial will be aired alongside disaster documentaries and reality television shows.

The Slugginator 3000 has surpassed all sales records for January and promises to be the hottest ticket in town. Mr. Slug has cleverly housed the revolutionary device inside of an enormous warehouse space which used to be the site of a disco dance club in the older section of downtown Portland Oregon. The creation of his exclusive club allows him to accomodate the largest number of slugs possible for a profitable return on his initial investment.

The news media was at the club last night and interviewed Mr. Slug about this latest new health and fitness craze. "Automated Tail Wagging is sure to surpass Pilates, Spinning and Zumba in fitness popularity. Once the tail begins to wag, the slugs suddenly wish to dance. After a vigorous and happy tail wag,  a slug can produce a great amount of slime which will help the slug to more effectively 'slide the night away' under the glittering mirror ball and thumping speakers."

Outside of the building, slugs are lined up around the block for a quick change in disposition. The line of slugs has gotten so long, in fact, that celebrity slugs have been known to slide to the front of the line on expensive stretch limosine belly sliders, demanding immediate entrance to the wonder machine. "Don't you know who I am?!" the celebrity slugs say, then they flash a bit of lettuce to the doorman and he lets them in.

Arguments between the everyday working slugs and celebrity slugs waiting in line behind the velvet rope have gotten quite ugly, so Mr. Slug has decided to level the playing field. He shall require each slug in line to recite a limerick or Haiku before granting a ticket for admittance. Even Lady Ga Ga would not be able to get in without a snappy poem to present to our doorslug, not even if she was dressed in her best yolk while hiding inside of a sizeable sweat inducing plastic egg, not even if said egg was carried by scantily dressed and fashionably shoulder implanted valets. One wonders if she had good cellphone reception in there, I suppose she could always call her caterers and have a Haiku or limerick cooked up at once and sent over in a pink cakebox for Mr. Slugs approval......However,  Mr. Slug might not let her in if he found that the limerick had no rhyme or the Haiku had no reason.

That's right, no slug or egg yolk shall be allowed admittance to the tailwagging club without the aforementioned limerick/Haiku requirement. Call it poetic justice if you will.

If you are a slug who would like to gain entrance to the exclusive Tailwagger's Ball, please submit your best limerick or Haiku for inspection by Mr. Slug's friendly staff in the form of a comment! Please keep your optical tentacles behind the line and make sure you have no holes in your tailsock.

Sir, your crazy machine malfunctioned and got soap in my mouth. I want a refund!

Slugs Rest was all in a thither this morning due to one certain slug who insists upon taking a verrrrr-r-r-r-y long shower and using up all of the hot water.  When Mr. Slug slid in to the shower and was greeted with a shockingly C-c-c-cold stream of water, he realized that there might be a market for his newest invention, a washing station for slugs! This idea is not new, however, a standard car wash is too abrasive for a soft bellied slug. The newer brushless carwash will still give a slug a set of pink stripes on his flanken steak.
Mr. Slug feels strongly that his "slide in, suds up and slide out" franchise will become all the rage, once the local slugs realize that they no longer have to wait for siblings to finish up in the bathroom in order for them to get going in the morning.
Mr. Slug is daydreaming, illusions of granduer sparkle in his eyes......"I can see it now, the Scrub-a dub-dubs will be located nextdoor to coffee kiosks and supermarkets across the land! Long lines of stinky slugs will be cleaned up and looking slick for work, thus increasing productivity in the workplace. I, the great and clever Mr. Slug will be invited to speak at wealth building seminars and college graduation ceremonies! I can hardly wait!!!"
Oh my....it looks like Mr. Slug will HAVE to wait until Mrs. Slug finishes up. She is busy taking a shower and poor Mr. Slug hasn't finished the prototype yet...........This could take awhile!

Nog, Nog! Who's there?........Nobody! Hope you have enjoyed my stay!

Happy New Year to all of Mr. Slugs fellow sliders!!! It is always exciting to greet a fresh new year with enthusiasm and verve, but alas, there is one event that Mr. Slug has to face in the month of January that is perhaps even more painful than his customary "better late than never" late post of Christmas cards, sent on the 26th of December.......

Please note the unbidden tear eminating from Mr. Slugs sad eye....he is about to say goodbye to his favorite holiday visitor, the Holiday Carton of Eggnog!  She has packed her bags, squared her jaw, and snapped her purse shut in preparation for a long vacation, away from the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  Mr. Slug is concerned that the only eggnog left in the stores in a few days will be the short dated, bloated looking cartons of "flavored" eggnog, such as the pumpkin spiced or vanilla, or worse yet, the eggnog made of soy milk or the "reduced fat" variety. Oh, the horror!

Mr. Slug puts some bite into his business plans!

Yay! Its winter break and Mr. Slug is using his vacation time for the development of a new invention, which will be of great monetary help to pay for the large and imposing stack of textbooks he will need for the next school term.

The idea was hatched during last months flight over the country. He looked out upon the rolling heath below and thought to himself, "I wish I had a faster way to complete my morning routine, which has become mundane and boring. I need a fantastic new way to start the day.....Hmmmm......If only I had a machine that would assist me like that farm implement down there in the field, I could get out the door and to class more quickly....Hmmmm....

Mr. Slug began working on the blueprint to his new machine as the holiday season kicked in. He interviewed shoppers in the isles of stores in his neighborhood and soon learned that many slugs do not spend enough time brushing the rasp, (also known as a tooth). 

Mr. Slug has a dentist which he is going to visit on Monday morning. If the dentist finds that Mr. Slug has not been doing a good job of diligent oral hygiene, Mr. Slugs dentist will smile at him menacingly and say quietly, "You only need to brush the tooth you want to keep."  It is a very intimidating and uncomfortable thing to hear.

Thus, Mr. Slug has been busy in preparation for said dental event. Drum roll please...."Introducing the New Auto-Tooth 100!"  Mrs. Slug is assisting Mr. Slug in a demonstration of the machine today, and it seems to be doing the job beautifully. Just a dab of spinich paste on the brush, a flick of the switch, and you are off to the races with a rasp so clean, your wife can see her reflection in it!

"Bravo Mr. Slug! I'll take two!" 

This thing is escalating out of control!

Mr. Slug has been in school learning all kinds of new things! Today he was inspired to reach for the clouds, but first he made a quick slide to the hardware store to pick up a few things:
1) A very long spool of kite string.
2) Two kites, unassembled, with adjustable tails in festive colors.
3) One large, industrial strength weather balloon.
4) One TSA full body scanner
5) One carryon bag with a dozen 3oz bottles of water

After gathering the necessary materials for his experiment, Mr. Slug stopped by the public library to read about other brave balloon aviators who have made the journey, so he could get an idea of what to expect. Mr. Slug found that there had been many balloon pilots in the past who had made the mistake of flying too high, where the air is too thin and has no oxygen. One can only imagine what happened to those hapless souls. Mr. Slug promised Mrs. Slug that he would be careful as his insurance will not cover this type of thing should he miscalculate the finer details of the flight.

Mr. Slug took off from the launch pad with the help of his three assistants at precisely 5:00pm. The aircraft went straight up and caught the breeze, which was moving him in a South Easterly direction at 4 miles per hour. At about 6:30 pm, Mr. Slug was famished and landed his contraption in a cow pasture, much to the delight and amazement of the wide-eyed and mooing heifers. Mr. Slug released the helium from the balloon and folded the kites for storage in his backpack. Mr. Slug was proud of himself for his excellent preparation, and wagged his tail as he smiled broadly at the cows. Just then, the farmer who owns the cows came running up to the scene and said, "What's going on over here? I thought I saw a UFO!" Mr. Slug kindly introduced himself and announced that he was not an unidentified flying object, he has his identification card right here if anyone needs to see it. The farmer shrugged and said, "Long as you ain't no alien, I reckon I won't hav'ta shoot 'ya." Mr. Slugs tummy growled audibly. The farmer asked him, "Didja eat?" Mr. Slug said no. "Well, I got me some nice collards down yonder, make yerself at home."  When Mr. Slug was finished nibbling, the farmer offered him a ride back to Slug's Rest.  They climbed aboard the tractor and headed home at a speed of 10 miles per hour. Cars were lined up and honking behind them. The tractor continued without increasing speed, at 10 miles per hour. Mr. Slug was happy with his progress and was blissfully unaffected by the rude waves and gestures and yelling from the passing vehicles. By the time Mr. Slug got home, it was exactly 7:00 pm. Mr. Slug had spent so much time with his new friend, he started to get a new accent. "Here we are Mr. Farmer, much obliged fer the lift! I promise to bring the missus on over fer supper sometime!" He tipped his optical tentacle forward as if it were a Stetson hat and headed indoors to his loving slimy mate. Mrs. Slug was so happy to have Mr. Slug back, safe and sound.

For future excursions, Mr. Slug needs to know what his total travel miles were so that he may write it in his logbook. Therefore, I present my fellow slugs with the following conundrum:

How far away is the launchpad from Slug's Rest?

How far away is the farm with the delicious collard greens?

Please help Mr. Slug with his calculations before he is forced to send himself back through the TSA scanner and get frisked by someone other than Mrs. Slug!!!!

Looking for a home is called "homework!"

When we last saw Mr. Slug, he was flying through the air with the greatest unease, mostly because he did not do enough careful research before launching his aircraft. He has decided that he needs more college classes to help him gain a more complete base of knowledge when it comes to dealing with the chemicals used in his inventions. Tonight, Mr. Slug has his optic tentacles buried deep in a technical book entitled, "Wastewater and you."  Mrs. Slug is especially proud of his recent acheivements in the air, and hopes that this latest decision to go back to school will help unravel the mystery of breaking down the solid matter that is present in lumpy water.
Unfortunately, this college is far away from Slug's Rest. Mr. Slug decided he would need to throw his books in a backpack and set off for school to find a room to let for the semester. He bought himself a low cost $200.00 belly sliding plate that would protect his tender dermis from the harsh freeway concrete for the 3 hour drive to school. When he was about a mile from school, he went door to door looking for an affordable room. He came across a fellow snail, but the room was much too small, so he kept looking. After three days of sleeping under bushes, he finally found a nice slug who would share a fully furnished apartment with him. The slug has graciously offered to feed Mr. Slug some leftover leaves, as it is hard to finish an entire stalk by yourself without feeling overstuffed. Mr. Slug is very grateful for the opportunity to go back to school, and he has become a studying machine, capable of leaping tall textboks in a single slide!
In the meantime, Mr. Slug will be running his company while between classes, via a tailtop computer. All of his employess will be in constant contact with him during the school year. Mrs. Slug is in charge of the accounting and the books. She will also oversee the day to day operations of Slug's Rest and will make all important executive decisions in his absence. Mr. Canopener will be handling all of his toughest vendors, while Mr. Lunchbox will be mostly doing sales trips with his business partner Mr. Thermos. Mrs. Slug has advised all employees to stay productive and out of trouble during this important phase of development. Without the increased knowledge, Mr. Slug feels that the firm could fall behind and become obsolete. He has encouraged training classes for everyone once he finishes his initial school terms and earns his slugwater degree. Forward sliding is more essential than ever before, we are in a world of increased sludge and goo.  Lets hope they all hold down the fort so Mr. Slug can get some studying done!
Please turn off your television set and open a book, for we all have something new to learn. There will be a quiz for you coming in the next couple of weeks, please have your pencils ready, a scratch paper and calculator will be permitted.

May Day! May Day! ...........Sometime today!

Mr. Slug has invented a new flying device! The "Bubble to Air Conversion Lifter" is worn snugly on the mantle and held on to with the foot.  A simple flick of the optical tentacle engages the ON switch and allows a slug to fly effortlessly through the air!

How does this thing work you ask? I will tell you, but be patient, it is highly technical jargon and you must pay close attention:

Flight is achieved by the use of a pressurized cylindrical vessel which contains a variety of volatile compounds: Ethyl ether, ethyl alcohol and water. The mollecular reaction of the volatile compounds takes place inside a very strong cylinder made entirely of aluminum foam, a material so light that it floats on water. It is, however, very strong stuff - the outer skins are layers of aluminum sheet and the inner layer a clever mix of titanium metal hydride and aluminum powder. These are baked to a silvery perfection until it rises, making it much lighter than the usual steel outer casing.

To this chemical cocktail, Mr. Slug adds just a pinch of slug slime which results in a highly pressurized bunch of slime bubbles inside the tube. As the bubbles pop, they explode in a process that resembles indigestion. This frightening, bubbling chemical melange has the ability to lift the wearer of the device right off the ground and into the air!

Join us now in the control room at Slug Propulsion Labs (SPL) in Pasadena, California as Mr. Slug prepares for launch! You can see him way up there, he's just a speck now, surrounded by a technical flight crew and members of the media. Mr. Slug will be projected from the launch pad at a trajectory set at a 75 degree angle pointing North/Northwest. Variable winds are blowing at a favorable 4 knots and all systems are GO!

"10...9.8.7.6....5.4. Launch has been delayed for the technicians to repair a goo ring................Countdown has resumed........."10....9...8...7...6....5....4...3..2...1.......Mr. Slug has pushed the bubble ignition switch with his optical tentacle!!!!!!!!!!!! The rocket is beginning to bubble furiously!!!

WE'VE GOT POP-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Back in the control room at SPL, some of the brightest minds in science are attempting to make Mr. Slugs historic first flight a successful one.

Mr. Slug is flying! He has done it! The control room erupts into a fury of high fives and applause! Suddenly, the sound of a crackling voice comes over the monitor. It is Mr. Slug trying to acheive radio contact with ground control.  "Mr. Slug to ground control. Please come in. May Day - May Day!" He sounds concerned.  The entire room goes quiet as Mr. Slug continues, "The flight is going fine, but I may have overlooked one small detail before launching....How do we turn this thing off so we can land??!" (Cue the music...Ground control to Major Slug...)

As this is an experimental vehicle, the SPL engineers are perplexed and need your help! Here is the problem we need to solve to get Mr. Slug safely back to Earth:

To neutralize a sour digester, one pound of slime is to be added for every pound of volatile acids in the digester sludge. If the digester contains 195,000 gal of sludge with a volatile acid (VA) level of 2100 mg/L, how many pounds of slime should be added?

If any of you slugs you know the answer to this question, please submit it to the lab immediately! Mr. Slug is depending on you for a smooth landing!! Hurry!!!

(Please note: This particular slug napkin is from the archived collection that was stored in the glove compartment of Mr.Slug's work vehicle for a few years. That car was recently cleaned out and this was one of the napkins found. For those of you who have followed Mr. Slugs adventures, this entry is a rare find, drawn before I began to write the date on the napkin in the lower left hand corner. The initails "BB" stand for Bun Bun, our beloved pet rabbit who used to live in the kitchen. She was very smart and knew how to toss her little toy back to you if you threw it to her. She was present for every peanut butter and jelly sandwich that went into Mr. Slug's lunch. This one's for you Bunski!)

Math is not a dance in the park

Mr. Slug has been working so hard on his math schoolwork that his poor brain feels somewhat mushy from the numbers that are floating around in his memory as he tries to sleep at night. Mrs. Slug has suggested he listen to some soothing music before bedtime, but this plan has backfired as he ends up even more tired from all of the activity both day and night. What is a poor slug to do?
GO DANCING! Yes, that is the only thing to do. Go dancing in circles. Very large circles. Circles so large that a slug needs to calculate the diameter of the circle, lest you get lost and cannot find your way back home to the center, and your dance partner, who is looking at you with two left optical tentacles as you spin around the dance floor wildly!
Have you ever wondered why slug trails are so circular and squiggly? It is because slugs know how to dance. (Cue the James Bond music, "You Only Circle Twice.") Now let's get to the meat of the matter:

Mr. Slug slid round and round. First he danced in very small circles. He made a silvery slug trail that was a mere 8 inches in circumference. He became disoriented from spinning around, so he stopped in his tracks to gain perspective. OK you slugs, here is your first puzzle: What is the diameter of the circle that Mr. Slug made?
Here is your first smarty slug clue:  Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter
                                      8 inches = 22/7 Diameter
                                      ? inches =    ?.....Diameter
                        (break it down one more time and you've got it!
                                                                     
Mr. Slug regained his composure and began to slide in very large circles.  Our math hero is now quite lost and cannot find his way home, where his dance partner Mrs. Slug is waiting patiently. Mrs. Slug is now looking at Mr. Slug with two left optical tentacles as he circles her, the diameter of the circle being 9 feet.  This is a very large circle, without your help, I doubt Mr. Slug will be able to get back to his wife, who is about to be asked to dance by a Mr. Goldtail. Please hurry with your calculation or Mrs. Slug may get covered with gold paint: What is the circumference of the circular slug trail Mr. Slug has drawn?

I am concerned that perhaps some of you slugs out there are needing a refresher course on the proper way to calculate this sort of problem, which involves the use of "pie" which can be approximated by 22/7 or 3 1/7. The circumference of a circle, then, is about 3 1/7 times the length of its diameter.

Here is a clue for you smarty slugs!  Again, it's:        

Circumference = "pie"(22/7) x Diameter 

I know this is not going to be an easy slime trail to follow for even the smartest of you smarty slugs. Rest assured that I am not having an easy time of it myself, which is why I am dragging you all down the primrose path with me, as a slug never slides alone.  If your brain hurts, you are making progress. Pat yourself on the mantle!

If any of you get these two slimy questions correctly answered, I will give you a vacation from math questions until the mid-terms! Yippee!!!!!

Of course, you are free to comment on this situation without solving the puzzle. Mr Slug has found other creative ways out of a pickle without the need for exact calculation, therefore, your assistance is greatly valued even if it does not involve number rasping.  Yippeee!!!! Let's dance!

                                                                                  

Fish travel in schools, slugs travel in style!

Hey you slugs! Put on that sliding plate and grab your books! It's time to get ready to go back to school! In our last episode, Mr. Slug struggled with a particularly difficult math question. Much to Mr. Slug's surprise, many of you answered the math question correctly. Bravo to the victors!  Mr. Slug would like to reward you with a ride to your next class on the big yellow schoolbus of knowledge. Please keep your mantles and tails inside the bus at all times.

Oh Goody! Today we have a particularly fast school bus driver, which may change the time of arrival to class. If the driver is very fast, we might even have time to nibble on some leaves before homeroom. Therefore, you will need to know the answer to the following math question:

How much time would you save by careening wildly around every corner for 100 miles at a sliding speed of 65 m.p.h rather than a more sane sliding speed of (...cue the music..."I can't slide") 55 m.p.h.?

I know there are some brilliant slugs out there who have already broken out the slide rule and calculator and are feverishly throwing down your comments and tapping on the desk waiting for the rest of the class to put down our pencils so you can wave your tentacles to get the teachers attention and be the first smarty slug to give us the answer. But wait, there's MORE!

How much further would you get if you got a wild hair up your mantle and jumped in the drivers seat, much to the surprise of your fellow classmate slugs who by now are squealing with delight, and hijacked the school bus, driving for 30 minutes at 65 M.P.H. rather than 55 m.p.h.?

Please record your answers in the comments section as you are now accustomed to doing. Please don't dilly dally, we have alot of road to cover!

Attention 101: pre-requisite course of study for all advanced classes

Recently, Mr. Slug has expressed a desire to expand his horizons and go back to school. This has been a very difficult decision to make as he is already a very busy businesslug and fitting classes into the executive schedule seems almost impossible. Mrs. Slug has encouraged this momentus decision and has enjoyed opening up the math book on the dining room table of late, doing math problems while nibbling a bowl of greens with her husband slug.   She noticed he was very tired and sent him to the sleeping chamber early because Mrs. Slug knows that he is liable to have a Pop Quiz at class.

Mr. Slug found himself feeling groggy in class the next day, and just as suspected, the teacher called a Pop Quiz on the class. The teacher said, "Sylvester Slug wanted to buy 4 basil leaves at his favorite vegetable stand. Sylvester slid across town at an average speed of  3 1/2 m.p.h. and covered a distance of 16 miles. How long did it take for Sylvester Slug to slide?"

Optical tentacles forward all you slugs! You have five minutes to solve the problem. Please use a number two pencil and use the comment section to record your answers.

Ready, Set, GO!

I should have stayed out of school.......the conclusion of the 4 part lecture series!

The slugs have all spent a night in the pokey and are now free to continue their vacation, but first, they have been ordered by the court to go to sliding school! Let this be a lesson to all of you slugs out there who do not consider the cause and effect of overindulgence while traveling by means of public transportation. I know it is your vacation and that you are expecting to have a good time, but please remember to slide responsibly or this could happen to you! Oh the horror!

When you're on a roll, nothing can stop your forward progress!

About an hour in to the flight, things started getting really out of hand. The bottles were rolling up and down the isles and the authorities were notified to meet the plane where the slugs and bottles were all taken into custody upon arrival to the gate.

There is no place to hide on an airplane

As you can see, the slugs have introduced Mr. Rum Bottle to the two brothers, Coca and Cola, who are now begininning to feel a bit tipsy. The slugs have had a "few too many," and have attracted the flight attendant, who is not at all pleased with the disruptive behavior.

Some things should remain in a glass by itself!

Summer is a time for vacationing slugs to buy an airline ticket headed to a favorite destination. This past week, a group of slugs decided to cut loose and fly to Los Angeles, California for some good old fashioned Fourth of July fun in the sun!  This particular group of slugs like to work hard, and play hard. They call themselves the "Sky sliders" and go to a different locale together every year. They are an unruly bunch of slugs, giggling as they take their seats. When the drinks cart rolls by, they will not be the ones ordering coffee and working on the crossword puzzle - they are the slugs who are planning to start the festivities the minute the airplane levels off at a cruising altitude.
In this episode, Mr. Rum Bottle rolls himself unsteadily up the gangway, boards the plane and attempts to meet up with two likely looking comrades, the Brothers Coca and Cola, who are a naturally sweet pair of frequent fliers and have no real desire to get mixed up with this bottle of potential trouble. The "Sky sliders" are seated in the exit row across from Mr. Rum Bottle. The group of slugs are feeling quite chipper and want to encourage the meeting of these bottled individuals sitting nearby. Stay tuned and keep that seatbelt tightened around your belly, as I think we might be in for a bit of turbulence during our flight!

Sometimes you just gotta "make do"....or in this particular court case, it's a "make don't"

Mr. Slug likes his vegetables, but even he has his moments of weakness when he will raid the refrigerator late at night, looking for some tempting treat to eat while he watches his special DVD collection that he bought  on EBAY last month. It is every episode of Miami Mice ever made, all five action packed seasons, which have been cleverly and attractively packaged in a cream colored and textured alligator skin box. The only thing that would have made it even better would be if each CD were autographed with a claw print of Mr. Slug's favorite actor who plays "Elvis" in the popular long running television show.

When Mrs. Slug tried to Make Mr. Slug's lunch this fine morning, she was dismayed to find that there were very few lunch items from which to fashion a suitable noonday meal for her beloved mollusk. Mrs. Slug did what all good wives would do in this situation, she cobbled together a substitute lunch made of alternative ingredients! What a smart slug she is! Instead of bread, she put in some nice crackers. Instead of lettuce, she bagged a few frozen peas which would thaw nicely by lunchtime. Instead of an orange, she popped a few vitamin C tablets, which trickled noisily to the bottom of Mr. LunchBag, who was employed because Mr. LunchBOX was completely horrified by the entire business and hopped away in a huff, refusing to be associated with the alternate lunch plan!

Poor Mr. Slug. He has become a very spoiled slug who expects his lunch to look and taste a certain way, and this substitute fare did not cut the mustard as far as his palette was concerned. But who's fault was that I ask you, my dear readers, was it the fault of Mrs. Slug, who does her very best to accomodate the lunch needs of her loving husband slug? I say no, it was the fault of a certain late night snack attack by the very hungry and demanding belly of a certain Mr. Slug!

Your Honor, the defense rests.

A "Rutebega Awakening" or, "Burp me you fool" - it's your choice!

It had been a terrific vacation but now it was time for Mr. Slug to put on his tie and go back to work. He had become spoiled on his cruise to the Bahamas, and found that it was hard to get back into the swing of waking up early for the daily battle.  Mr Slug had become accustomed to sliding out of his stateroom, along the banister to the Lido Deck and straight to the salad bar, which was open all hours of the day and night for the guests enjoyment. "Ahhh, this is the life," thought Mr. Slug, as he made the most of his six days at sea. Mr. Slug enjoyed golfing, swimming and playing Baccarat in the ship casino. When it came time to disembark the ship, Mr. Slug found himself sliding very slowly and reluctantly down the gangway and back to his life as a working slug. Mr. Slug was now tanned and fit after his week of luxury! "Things are gonna change at work," thought Mr. Slug to himself. "All we have to eat at the office is soda and candy out of the machine. I think I will call a meeting to address this very serious situation."  When Mr. Slug returned to the office on Monday morning, he sent summons to his top producing slimers that a meeting would be called to order immediately. The group of executive slugs met each other in the hallway, next to the food machine. The execs looked at Mr. Slug curiously, as he had never called a meeting outside of the closed doors of the executive slugroom. Mr. Slug said, "I have called you here today for a very serious threat to our productivity, this junkfood machine that spits out foods that slow us down and make us sleepy." Mr. Slug handed out a photo of a juicy looking rutebega to drive the point home. He began, " A slug is naturally tuned to eating large amounts of healthy greens all day long. The work day does not always allow for healthy choices on the slide. Just say no to heavily salted snack foods, they will shrivel a nice soft belly and decrease your overall productivity. For this reason, I have ordered the snack vending company to change our order to only the most succulent greens and tasty fruits and vegetables. I believe we will see an increase in our sales numbers almost immediately, which should help to defray the higher costs of the contents of this snack machine. All slugs in agreement will say Aye."  Mr. Slug waited for a moment and was pleased with the overwhelming number of  "Aye's"  from his fellow businessslugs. Mr. Slug continued, "Think of what we can do, my fellow slugs, if all of our meetings start with a hearty meal? Gentleslugs, we have lot's of work to do now that I am back, and as far as I am concerned, it's officially CRUNCH TIME! Quick! Call the Chamber of Commerce! Let's let the entire business community know that this company has officially GONE GREEN!" A great amount of whooping and hollering could be heard throughout the halls that fine Monday morning, and the slugs were more productive, due to the new produce. More lettuce for everybody!!!! Wooohooo!!

Staying in bed, cruising on your pillow is always the best choice!

It certainly has been a very rainy and wet and busy week here at Slug's Rest!  There has been so much to do in the course of a day, both slugs of the house have been working through the weekend so nothing gets left undone. The to-do list seems to grow daily with tasks. You may think you have gotten everything done, but one small, ridiculous detail gets overlooked and it becomes a huge ordeal! Why, just last night Mrs. Slug awoke with a start when she realized that she had forgotten to close the sunroof of her automatic sliding machine. She could hear the pouring rain outside, so she prodded Mr. Slug by poking him in the belly to wake him up. "Honey." "WHAT?!, What? What is it? Is everything OK?" Mr. Slug woke up from a very sound sleep. He was somewhat disoriented. "I think I may have left the sunroof open in the auto-slide,"  said Mrs. Slug.
Mr. Slug, being the gentleslug that he is, purposefully roused his tail from the warm bed and put on his robe to go outside.
Mr. Slug looked adorable in his red terrycloth robe as he vertured outside into the wild weather. It was pouring rain. The interior of the once pristeen auto-slide appeared to be fully soaked. The sunroof was a gaping maw, inviting the droplets to hit the leather seats. Mr. Slug was not amused, nor were the three stuffed animal friends that Mrs. Slug has riding around on her dashboard. These three 'friends' have been riding around with Mrs. Slug for years. They keep her good company on long drives and are better with directions than a GPS device. Besides, they are soft and snuggly. Allow me to introduce Messers. Wormy the green worm, Octy the speckled grey octopus, and Miss Jelly the demure and thoughtful jellyfish. The three friends were not amused and stared blankly at Mr. Slug as he closed up the vehicle. As Mr. Slug finished his midnight task, he shook his head and mumbled, as it was getting very late indeed.  Then suddenly.....the sound of rain was replaced with  a Crash! Rustle rustle! Bang! Apparently, there were dangerous critters roaming around in the bushes making unsettling noise!  Mr. Slug was so startled that he reacted with wide eyed tentacles and slid quickly from the scene, back in the front door and up the banister back to bed, where it was warm and safe. "Was everything all right out there? I heard something outside," said Mrs. Slug. Mr. Slug replied, "Wormy, Octy and Jelly were very confused and upset, and whats more, there is some THING in the bushes, I think it is rather large and scary. Wormy Octy and Jelly are safe now that the vehicle is secure, but now I am rattled and I can't get back to sleep. Please hand me my earplugs." Mrs. Slug did as she was bade and rolled over to go back to sleep. "Goodnight sweetie." Ahhh, peace and quiet. All he could hear now was his own breathing, and then, the sound of a ships horn in the distance!. Mr. Slug finally drifted back into his very inventive and wonderful world of dreams, where he envisioned a sizeable cruise ship pulling into port to take him away from it all for a few fun filled days at sea. Let the confetti fly! Bon Voyage, Mr. Slug!!!

Spring cleaning means making a clean getaway!

Mrs. Slug enjoys a clean home. She likes to have the dishes done, the lettuce put away and the coats hung up neatly in the closet.  Mr. Slug is also a rather fastidious slug who prefers a sense of order to his castle. All of his electric tools for keeping his steel belly sliding plates in good order are out in the garage, hung on special hooks to keep them dry and in working condition, where he can find them easily without asking his wife where she saw them last.  "Honey, where is my Phillips Sluggydriver?" Mr. Slug will ask as the weather begins to improve at Slug's Rest. "In the garage, on the hook where I shall hang you next time you ask me that question," replies Mrs. Slug while busily attending to removing the cobwebs from the ceiling by sliding up the wall with her tail curled around a damp towel.
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming.  The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up."  The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug.  The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it.  As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said.  Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?"  Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery.  Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"

Mr. Slug looks slick in everything he wears!

Today, Mr. Slug woke up to an empty underwear and sock drawer. To make matters worse, all of his work suits are out at the cleaners and all he had to wear was a tatty old hooded sweatshirt and a tailsock that was too thin to consider wearing. Mr. Slug decided that he had too much to do at work to take the day off, so he pulled the hoodie over his mantle and slid to the office feeling inappropriately dressed but ready to face the stack of file folders and phone messages on his desk, as well as the expected snickers from his co-workers. Everything was going fine, until.....

Mrs. Slug received a call from Mr. Slug at lunchtime. Mr. Slug said that he was, "in a panic" and to bring him a suit, tie and wingtip tailshoe as soon as possible. He said quickly, "The head honchos are on the way to take the crew to a nice restaurant for a lunch meeting today. It figures that the bosses would pick today of all days. This sweatshirt smells like a gym."

Mrs. Slug knew that there were no clothes available, so she stopped by the nearest haberdasher and bought a new suit, tie, and the finest Egyptian cotton shirt money can buy. She then slid on over to the shoe store and purchased one very special Ferragamo tailshoe made of the softest Corinthian leather upper with a custom stacked heel that even comes with a nifty raised insert to help Mr. Slug look extra tall and important. 

When Mrs. Slug arrived at the office, the group of businessslugs were arriving. Some of them were already in the elevator! Mrs. Slug took the stairs, er, handrail, and slid to the tenth floor as fast as she could slide.  Mr. Slug was able to slide into his new suit quickly. The businessslugs were lined up in the hallway, waiting for Mr. Slug to join them. Mr. Slug filled the sink with water and soap and went for a quick swim. He dried himself off with the automatic hair dryer and slicked back his optical tentacles with water. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to make sure he had no spinach stuck in his rasp when he smiles. He straightened his new silk tie and smoothed the lines of his coat before saying to himself, "Mr. Slug, you handsome mollusk, you know you got it goin' on. I would sign a six figure contract with you, just because you look so good!" Mr. Slug slid to lunch with the group and gave a hearty flick of the tail back at his loving wife as he left to lunch.  

The next day, Mr. Slug held a safety meeting. The topic for the day was, "A good businessslug will always have an emergency suit of clothes on hand for the unexpected meeting or executive lunch. Do not let yourself be caught without the proper threads for a surprise meeting. If you don't have a suit of clothes always on hand, at least have the sense to marry a loving and attentive wife who knows what you look best in and can get them for you in a pinch."

Mr. Slug celebrated with Mrs. Slug by buying her a new dress and an adorable strappy little tailsandal with a jeweled buckle before he took her out to the theater the following weekend. Mr. Slug certainly knows where his bread is buttered!

I was walking in the park one day..............

The flowers are blooming and love is in the air. Mr. Slug was happily sliding through the park on a lovely spring day and happened upon a lump of silken fabric lying in the bright green grass. He innocently picked it up and noticed the wonderfully sweet scent. It smelled like a mix of gardenias with a hint of rose. Just then, a very jealous and angry slug approached Mr. Slug and demanded to know where he had gotten the beautiful handkerchief. Mr. Slug was taken aback by the question. Another slug entered the area, wearing an Ensigns uniform and wielding a shiny long sword. Without knowing it, Mr. Slug had slid into an open air theater where a performance of the Tragedy of Othello was being acted out. Mr. Slug was in much danger of getting his tail lopped off by a very convincing actor who did not realize that Mr. Slug is NOT the stunt double of the Captain, who, in that particularly tragic scene, fought against the Ensign valiantly but ended up losing a hefty portion of his tail in the famous play by Slugspere. It was a very tense moment for both the audience, and especially Mr. Slug.
Mrs. Slug, in the meantime, had slid across the street to buy an ice cream and did not know the peril that her husband was in. She took a seat in the audience and began to hiss with the other theater goers as the antagonist began to thrust his sword at the tail of the hapless Captain, who was now being played by a very frightened and somewhat confused Mr. Slug. When Mrs. Slug realized that her beloved Captain was being attacked by the cruel and remorseless Ensign, she jumped up and said, "Zounds! Lay down thine scabbord and slide thine away! Leaveth mine husband alone!" The crowd loved this new twist, they hooted and yelled and went wild as Mrs. Slug entered the stage and proceeded to take hold of her husbands tail with her rasp. She swung him round and round, faster and faster, like a discus thrower. Once he reached maximum flight velocity, she let him go and he flew above the startled audience like a missile, his eyes wide with surprise and gladness, for he was now out of danger. He made a wide arc above the theater and came to rest on a red and white checkered blanket in the nosebleed section way in the back of the amphitheater on the grass where a sophisticated looking group of well-to-do slugs were watching the play and dining on a feast of basil leaves and champagne. One of them remarked, "Good show, old chap!" and went on munching on his leaf like nothing had happened. "Care for a nibble, Sir?" said another. The now proud actor brushed the dirt from his person, composed himeself and smiled broadly.  "May my wife join us?" beamed Mr. Slug. "Your wife?" asked the slug with a flick of the tail and a heavy english accent, "Was that lovely creature your wife? Why, she is the greatest Slugsperean actress of all time!Your wife may join us only if she promises to give us her autograph!" Mr. Slug agreed to be the husband of a celebrity and they dined upon the fancy greens heartily throughout the remainder of the performance. You may ask, "What this tale of tails was all about?" Well, I am not sure myself. I just know that springtime is a good time to go to a live performance, ANY live performance, as I am quite sure there is bound to be one where you may purchase tickets, somewhere near you.

P.S. - Speaking of great acting roles, some of you may remember part of the wise and powerful Yogurt, who starred in the best Mel Brooks movie ever made, which, in Mr. Slug's opinion was Spaceballs. That funny little gold painted man pointed out that, "Even plain yogurt has a little culture."

"A clean slug is an effective slug!" That said, "An effective slug is not afraid of a little dirt!"

There is nothing worse than waking up early on a frosty morning to find that the water heater has failed and you will be taking a cold shower. This happened to Mr. Slug recently, and he was not a happy slider. Mr. Slug woke up all of the sleeping slugs and told them to apply as much warm belly surface as possible to the outside of the haplesss household appliance. The slugs did as they were told, and in about 30 minutes, Mr. Slug found himself happily soaping up his mantle for another days work.  Order was restored to Slug's Rest, which had a very positive effect on the rest of Mr. Slug's business day! Mr. Slug felt so satisfied by the warm shower that he was giddy with happy feelings and greeted everybody he met that day with a hearty "Howyadoin!" and a spritely flick of the tail. This created an optimum condition for doing a brisk business.....At his morning meetings, Mr. Slug's customers were pleasantly accosted with the fresh, airy scent of Irish Spring soap upon his person. They were enchanted with his easy, breezy sales approach. In fact, he felt so good that week that that he made three extra sales, which amounted to a significant increase in slime to be deposited in to the sluggy bank account! Mr. Slug always gives back to his community, so he rewarded each of the helpful slugs with a fresh bottle of foaming slug wash and a loofah back scratcher with a nice long wooden handle for those hard to reach areas of the tail.

An electrifying tale of big business - be careful what you say to competitors!

If you do not know the name of the individual you are speaking with, do yourself a favor and do not even try to guess! You are most likely incorrect, thus you will risk irritating them to the point of personal injury to yourself, and to innocent byslugsters.
Mr. Slug is a very gentle, kind and proper slug, he rarely forgets a face. He makes a point to remember the names of his fellow businessslugs. He conducts himself with grace and charm, but sometimes he will trip over his own tail if he can't recall a name. 

         In this instance, Mr. Slug found himself in a dangerous position as he tried to guess the name of a rather intimidating executive that he met in the hallway of a large hotel where he was attending a convention. The executive was large and square-jawed, and his beady eye bore an invisible hole through everything it gazed upon.  Mr. Slug was clearly intimidated and nervous, as he thought he recognized the face, but could not draw the name from his memory. The only thing that Mr. Slug did wrong was ask the question..."Are you the infamous Mr. Clampy?" asked Mr. Slug.  The question was actually meant to impress, but it did the opposite thing. Mr. Slugs seemingly innocent question ruffled Mr. Car Battery Cable to the point of violence! He got all charged up when he heard the name of his rival competitor Mr. Clampy and chased Mr. Slug down the hall with his cord whipping wildly! Mr. Slug took off like a shot and was able to get a few paces ahead of the well dressed suit. Mr. Slug slid briskly around the next corner, and as luck would have it, straight into the open door of an elevator! Seeing his only chance for escape, Mr. Slug pushed the "close door" button as quickly as he could. Just as the doors were closing, Mr. Car Battery Cable stuck his snakelike head through the opening and grabbed Mr. Slug by the tail! Mr. Slug was able to free himself by releasing a large amount of slug slime from his belly, giving the imposing Mr. Cable the slip! The elevator doors closed! Mr. Slug was free and unhurt! Mr. Slug enjoyed the soothing saxophone sounds of the jazz elevator music on his way down to the conference rooms located in the basement of the skyscraper where his business meeting was about to begin! Before speaking to the large group of professional and well dressed attendees, he enjoyed a relaxing festive beverage and several nibbles of salad.  After lunch, Mr. Slug stepped into the Men's room and made sure there were no bits of spinach on his rasp, straightened his tie and composed himself before sliding onto the podium to address the eager crowd of executives. He tapped the microphone lightly with his tail to see if it was working and cleared his throat before he began.  A hush of silence fell about the room and he took a deep breath before he said,  "A funny thing happened to me on the way here...." He did not mention any names while telling his story for fear of retaliation - just in case Mr. Cable happened to be present at the meeting.  The moral of the story:  "When in doubt, don't blurt it out."

Sell, Sell, SELL!!!!! And don't stop! You guys look GREAT! You are a selling MACHINE!!!

What a weekend it was for Mr. Slug! He found himself busy working for much of Saturday and Sunday and arrived at the office very early this morning with a host of new accounts to process.

It seems as though business has been picking up all around the town this week, so Mr. Slug decided to call an impromptu mandatory meeting for all of his employees.  He phoned every member of his department before the sun came up and told them that he has something of great import to discuss with each of them before the start of the business week.  The team of sales slugs arrived on time and eager to hear what Mr. Slug had to say. The sales team was rewarded for being on time with a sumptous breakfast of spinach leaves and freshly brewed green tea or guava juice, which was well received by all slugs present.

An audible groan was heard as a box of tail protectors were opened and removed from the bubble wrap that the product was shipped in. Being a silly bunch of slugs, the team had fun popping the bubble wrap as they fitted their tails with the brand new tail protectors, which smelled a little "plasticky," from the off-gassing that you often get from factory-fresh oil based products.

Another large box was placed upon the boardroom table and out came a dozen pairs of new safety glasses, each with a special noseless bridge, modified especially for the anatomy of the common working mollusk. They came in four fun color choices: "Roasted Sienna," "Eggplant," "Chartruese," and "Golderod Summer."

The slugs dove into the box and each chose a pair that suited their mantle-tone.

Mr. Slug cleared his throat and the room quieted down very quickly. "First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing up on time with your name badges on.  Please wear your safety equipment at all times while you are representing this firm, as we would like to show the buying public that we are a safety minded business. This new equipment will help to protect you when driving the company fleet vehicles. We have recently purchased four new Prius sedans for your sales appointments. Please be careful while driving them and be sure to jump or slide out the window if the vehicle appears to speed up all by itself without any provocation. We were able to obtain the vehicles at an excellent price! We like the "green" message they send to our customers, although we do realize that our sales team will need to take an extra measure of precaution to enjoy the benefits of the savings in fuel costs to our company. You may all be dismissed, now go out there and sell something! Go Team Sluggy!" 

Why, that's just crazy-talk! I am not frightened by a bunch of water molecules

 Just three days ago, Mr. Slug was joyfully basking in the bright sun, wearing his tail sandal and a generous dollop of sunscreen on his sunkissed pate. When he slid out the door of Slug's Rest today, a very different weather pattern, in the form of a certain Mr. Rumblecloud, presented himself chest puffed out, in a threatening way. Mr. Slug said to the cloud, "My, you are looking very unstable and perhaps you are in need of some sort of counseling. I can give you the name of a doctor who can help you."  The cloud looked at him darkly and replied, "I may be unstable, but I have direction, which is more than I can say for you slugs. Just look at those crazy goo trails you guys make. Besides, someone has to wash the sidewalk from time to time!"  With this, Mr. Rumblecloud let out a torrent of hailstones and a crack of lightning lit the skies overhead! Mr. Slug retreated in terror as the hailstones turned to heavy rain! This madness sent Mr. Slug careening down the gutter and into the stormdrain, which, according to the painted sign next to it, leads directly to the sea! Mr. Slug tumbled and rolled his way through a long series of drainage tunnels which finally spit out the unfortunate mollusk through the big iron grates at the end of the drain in Nye Beach, Oregon.  Once he realized where he was, he promptly exited the shoreline and took a seat at the infamous tourist hangout, "The Sandbar," where the nice bartender took pity on the sand covered slug and served him a nice hot toddy to warm his mantle, free of charge.  He left the establishment feeling much better, but was still miles from home. He found some sea shells on the ground, used his slug goo to fuse them together and created some "beachy" looking artwork, which he put on consignment in the window of a local art gallery. The incredible artwork looked suitably trendy and sold almost instantly. He gave the art dealer his cut and used the remaining proceeds to pay for a limosine, a shiny black Lincoln Towncar. The driver asked the weary Mr. Slug where he wanted to go, and Mr. Slug said weakly, "There's no place like home."  What is the lesson learned here? Mr. Slug says, "If you go outside unprepared, that is, without your tailsock and dare to challenge an ominous cloud to a verbal swordfight, be ready for a lightning fast rebuttal and a good soaking, because YOU asked for it! They may look innocent enough, wearing that sly smile, but Rumbleclouds are NOT to be trusted!!!