Safety can be fun.....Fun can be dangerous!

O.K. gang, gather round. Is this microphone working? Too loud? Good. Eyes forward please. Today we will discuss safety in the workplace. My name is Mr. Slug, but today, you can call me "Mr. Safety." Your safety is important to me, and today I intend to make it important to you. Please write the word on your worksheet. Stare at it, remember it, live it. Imbedded in the word "Safety", one will find the following words: FAST, STY, SAT, SAY, EAT, FAT, STAY, YES, YET, AFT, TEAS, SEAT, and a few more that can be found on your own time. You will notice that many of these words contain a certain element of risk. This demonstration proves that even the safest and most attentive slug must be on top of his or her game at all times. Do not trust that another co-worker slug will be watching out for you. Every slug must be on the lookout for potentially unsafe situations and act upon them immediately. Watch your tails you slugs! Look alive and pay attention at all times! Ignore the danger signals, and you are likely to get your tail burned! Thank you for attending today. Please pick up your proof of attendance card as you slide out. This safety class funded in part by Oregon Slugs Hazard Avoidance. "Slide Smart, Slide Safely"

Take a look what they've won! A day at the spa!

It seems that slugs everywhere have been forced to work harder than they have ever worked, that is, if they are lucky enough to have a paying situation. If you are the "Boss", that is, an employer of slugs, you must remember to reward your best employees with incentives to keep those sluggy minds lively and supple. They must be ready to rock and roll and be the best at what they do. Mr. Slug has a business tip for you: "Begin your day with some light sliding, and then make a few phone calls to some prospective buyers to set the tone for a productive and profitable day. I see a glimmer of hope on the financial horizon! Set the dial on high! Warm those bellies! Look lively you slugs! Sell! Sell!" (This motivational message paid for by the Belly Baker Corporation of HamHock Valley, Oregon)

Now that's "Livin'!"

Tonight you might be here checking on the Adventures of Mr. Slug and Friends because you found yourself sitting in a catatonic state in front of a TV set saying, "How come we are paying for 160 channels and I can't find one thing that interests me?" We are honored to have you here as a visitor here at our comfortable and spacious estate that we refer to as Slug's Rest. Please kick off your shoe, put on a tail sock and a slipper and make yourself at home. We are here to help. Mr. Slug will set you up with a refreshment and a bit of music for your enjoyment. Mr. Slug asks, "Would you care to dance?"

This is where you need to pay attention if you want to break out of the catatonia.....If someone asks you to dance, you must accept! Yours truly has recently purchased a 1961 Magnavox Hi Fidelity Stereo Console with a full 50 watts of tube amplified musical nirvana. When Mrs. Slug helped him load the unit into the truck, she said, "This thing weighs a ton. Did they leave the records in it too?" Indeed they did, Mrs. Slug, indeed they did. Mr. and Mrs. Slug were delighted to find a very special collection of mint condition record albums inside the storage of the handsome walnut veneer cabinet with little fake drawer pulls. Incredible! Mr. Slug took the turntable apart and tuned up the motor for a flawless spin. The unit came to life with the sounds of "Hawaiian favorites, Song of the Islands (Marty Rollins), and "Tumbleweed Trail, (Sons of the Pioneers)." After listening to a number of great tunes, Mrs. Slug immediately slid over to to her local library so she could round out the evening entertainment with a good read. She is now snuggled in her bed at the end of a perfect spring day. She will, of course, hand the book to Mr. Slug because the only thing better than a good book is having someone read it to you. What could be better? Certainly not that boring old TV!

Your business is Mr. Slugs business!

When it comes to doing business, Mr. Slug has a motto....Mr. Slug says, "Let your belly guide your decisions. If you have a gut feeling that an important decision must be made and the axe has got to fall, swing that axe hard and make a nice clean cut." In a recent Fortune 500 interview, Mr. Slug gave the following advice. He stated, "Nothing can move forward without decisive action. A slug must take responsibility for his actions, a willingness to deal with the ensuing fallout, and develop a plan that will get his corporation through the lean times. Distance yourselves from shifty eyed slugs. Keep your most hard working trusted slugs informed of your moves, slide with a purpose. America, start your engines and turn off your televisions! Don't let anyone tell you that it is a bad time to do business! I love the smell of my photocopier in the morning! O.K., everyone, repeat after me....... I'm a lean, mean, gooey selling machine!!" This motivational message has been paid for by the I.B.S. of America (Independent Business Slugs of America)

Try a little tenderness

All of that work on the new driveway has been taking its toll on Mr. Slug this week, and he does not seem to be getting the sympathy that he would like from his peers. Even though the driveway is smoother, the highway is a dangerously uncomfortable slide this time of year. You really need to watch your sliding. Anything can happen! A gravel rock can hit you right in the snout when the traffic passes! As the winter wears on, it just gets worse. The road bed is so rough that Mr. Slug needs a heavy steel plate to strap on his belly to keep from getting scraped. The steel plate that Mr. Slug slides on has been ruined from too many highway miles, and is proving to be ineffective protection from the rough road. Good thing Mr. Slug has his Mrs. Slug to comfort him and rub salves and ungents into his tender dermis!

Follow your dreams and your belly machines

The winter rain and snow has made a wreck of the gravel driveway leading up to the house at Slugs Rest. There are numerous dips and gullies where the road was once smooth and easy to slide on. Even the deer are avoiding it, which is distressing for the local cats who enjoy chasing them through the yard. Mr. Slug has a dream - he would like to smooth out the driveway and install some new paving stones like the ones you see in a James Bond movie under the tires of Mr. Bond's specially built Jaguar with the seat ejector button and the oil slick button and the slicing knives that stick out from the axles so that anyone trying to follow him can be made to swerve wildly so he can get away and save the world from the likes of Goldfinger or some such villian. At the entrance to the driveway would be a pair of gargoyle attack slugs with smiling faces and a big imposing gate with an intercom system that you would have to talk in to before being allowed admittance to the compound. The first order of business will be to hire those paving slugs right away! The rest will take care of itself! The name is Slug.......James Slug.

More time to barbeque, less time to sleep!

There is something about the sound of an alarm clock that makes you feel like you might be in trouble with the law - your heart beats faster, the room seems colder and you wish you could just stay in bed and make that alarm clock go away and leave you alone. Don't be so hard on your alarm clock, or Mr. Clampy for that matter, they are both just trying to keep you earning an honest days wage for an honest day of work, and that also means being on time to said employment situation. I know what you are thinking.......(Get real! Mr. Alarm clock is not your friend! He and that dratted Mr. Clampy can go play on the freeway with a pack of angry ostriches! Leave me alone Mr. Alarm Clock!.... LEAVE!....ME!..... ALONE!) If this is what you are thinking, then I suggest that you grab yourself a nice cup of decaffinated tea and turn in early on Sunday night. After all, it was Mr. Daylight Saving Time that has caused all of this civil unrest, unless of course, you are lucky enough to live in Arizona USA. That is where they send all of those stolen hours from the rest of the country and then tack them on to the summer. That is why it is so darned hot there, but, I am wandering from my point I was trying so hard to make......You may want to blame that sneaky Mr. Daylight Savings for your troubles and leave the innocent time enforcement officials out of this! Instead, I urge you to send a thank you card to Mr. Alarm Clock and Mr. Clampy! They are just trying to do their job.

My pillow needs fluffing, so let's hire a pro!

What used to take an hour or two now has become an all day affair! At least all receipts have been found lurking in the glove box of the car or the back of the writing desk and Mrs. Slugs purses (that are last years fashion), hanging in the closet getting dusty. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty! Smile as you prepare your 2009 taxes, and don't forget, it all goes to a good cause. Now get out that pen and start writing some checks, or you might end up with a Mr. Clampy attached to your tail! After the taxes are paid, Mrs. Slug has decided to dust off her purses and give them another run, especially that cute pink handbag with the clasp that goes "Snap" real loud when you close it.

Exciting new invention! The store will be complete pandemonium!

Mr. Slug was pleased that he was able to take care of all of his business appointments while in Los Angeles. He will return to Oregon triumphant! Mr Slug returns with the newest innovation in personal tail accessories, the Powda-Pal sock powdering device, which is scheduled to be released at the end of this week if all goes smoothly. Sleek and efficient, this little puppy delivers the finest tail powder and tickle that money can buy! Made in the U.S.A. from Titanium alloys and accented with natural finished wood veneers. Available in pink, red, seafoam green and black to match your fussiest decor! Your tail will thank you!

What did you put in there? Rocks?!

It is a good thing that Mr. and Mrs. Slug know how to pack light when they travel, as there are new restrictions on the amount of weight allowed per piece of luggage. Mr. and Mrs. Slug used to include a stash of water to keep a high moisture content, but now they just buy it when they arrive at the destination....well, just a couple of water bottles shouldn't make much difference.............Hoist them on up and to the scale and say your prayers!

Shake your tail feather!

Mrs. Slug walked in on her husband while he was perfecting the first of two wings he is designing for his frequent trips to LA. He does not really need them, as he has already booked a flight on his favorite commuter airline, SLUGAIR, who are enjoying a profit in the first quarter despite the economy. It seems that slugs everywhere are choosing to live it up and travel, after all, if the financial markets are no longer sailing, then flying around is the obvious thing to do when the economic outlook is downright sluggish! We're goin' to Disneyland! No, wait...we went there last time.......I think this trip we will go to the La Brea Tarpits and see the brand new giant Wooly Mammoth that was found at a construction site recently! Yeah!!! Large bowls of Pho soup for everyone! Taco truck, here we come! Griffith Park Merry Go Round, start your pipe organ! It's time to riiiiide!

LOVE........ It's 100% Organic!

Mrs. Slug is one of those "Green Slugs" who takes an interest in renewable sources of energy. She has found that the finest organic product available at her local Love Farm is also of the best quality, easily recycled, and more delicious and tasty than the processed varieties. Purchase in small or large quantities, and sprinkle liberally throughout your daily activities. Become a preferred customer and enjoy all of the benefits of being a club member!

"Honey!" " Help me!" " I'm stuck, and I can't slide!"

The morning started out nicely enough. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. Everything was right with the world, when suddenly, Mrs. Slug heard a faint cry coming from the other side of the house. When she arrived at the scene, Mr. Slug was doubled up, groaning and looking rather strained. He said, "It's an old injury from an incident that involved a car that hit me from behind. My tail has a muscle spasm every now and then." Seeing the agony that her dear husband slug was in, she immediately sprung into action, and within minutes, Mr. Slug was fit as a fiddle and dancing a jig!
Mrs. Slug has a theory that Mr. Slug needs more potassium in his diet, and thereby should eat more bananas. Mr. Slug begs to differ. He has a theory that he needs more ice cream, and that Mrs. Slug should run out to the store and purchase the flavor of his choice so this kind of thing won't happen again!

Escaped boat elludes police, news at 11

If you were attending the Seafood and Wine Festival in Newport Oregon today, you may have spotted a wild looking boat on a trailer. It had separated itself from the tow rig. The boat was laughing maniacally, while it wove in and out of traffic, without regard for the safety of others. Mrs. Slug spotted the scofflaw near the intersection of Highway 101 and Bay Street. She promptly notified the authorities using her trusty slugphone. The police set up a roadblock and successfully stopped the vehicle with a tack strip. A field sobriety test was performed and failed. The police called in Mr. Clampy for assistance, who placed a clamp on the rudder. The boat was arrested and housed at the Lincoln County Courthouse. Bail has been set at 250,000.00 and three crab rings full of live crabs, which shall be released back into the sea, along with the boat, when bail is posted.

Quit staring at me!

After Mr. and Mrs. Slug returned from their cruise vacation, Mr. Slug noticed that his tail had a tremendous itch. Dr. Sluggo looked at the angry welts on the tender tail and replied, "This is a serious case of taildermatosis. It may have been caused by sliding around without proper tail protection on the Lido Deck. It is a common condition when the tail is exposed to the abrasive salt air. See you again next Wednesday." However it happened, Mr. Slug is going to wear the collar without complaint until the tail heals, otherwise Dr Sluggo will have to encapsulate the offended dermis with a tail cast so that the tail can heal properly. How come fun always seems to have a high price?!

Everything is included...the entertainment, the food, the works!

In these troubled times, it is even more important to remember that a slug should not stop living. Watch your pocketbook while you enjoy the finer things in life. As Mr. Slug says, "You only slide once." A slug should strive to get the best value for his gooey, hard earned dollar. Mr. and Mrs. Slug love all of the extras that a cruise vacation offers, especially the on-board musical stage shows with the elaborate costumes and perky performers! Mr. and Mrs. Slug have dancing tails on tonight! Well done! That's making your dollar work for you!

Try our full compliment of Love Machines! Available Now!

For an unlimited time only, this heavy duty love machine has been made available aboard the Love Stoat Cruise Lines. It works even better in the rough weather when the ship is rockin' and rollin'! Immerse yourself in gooey love....you will never want to return to land again!

Reapply the sunscreen before falling asleep on the Lido Deck

They won! They won BIG! Yay! Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a run of good luck! Mr. Slug says, "When you are on a roll, just go with it. Cash those winning tickets in as soon as possible, and don't forget to bring your swim suit. Oh yeah - if your wife falls asleep in her lounge chair, you better wake her up before she is visibly pink and her tender slug skin is sunburned. Your fabulous streak of luck could be in danger if you do not follow the proper guidelines on the cruiseline."

An atmospheric disturbance of the peace

Mr. Slug's grandmother used to say, "Better an empty house than a bad tenant." This particular bit of advice from his notorious elderslug may get him into a bit of trouble with the law! The police had better slap the cuffs on him quick before he lets another one loose!

Mr. Slug's education pays off!

Since Mr. Slug has been teaching a class in tailwagging, Mrs. Slug has been having dreams related to daily life. Sometimes dreams can be so real! Slide! Slide Mr. and Mrs. Slug! Slide for your lives!

Class begins promptly at 8:00 am, don't be late!

Every youngster needs a good role model to look up to. An adult who cares about the future of our youth. Someone who takes an interest in teaching poise, good manners and discipline. The adult needs to be a patient fellow, who keeps his composure when the youngsters need a litle extra help with a new and difficult task. Now, everysluggy, repeat after me......"Tail wagging is FUN!!!"

Thrills and chills in coolsville

Being sick is no fun, especially when you are a slug with a belly that is already quite gooey. Add the extra goo that comes with a sinus drip and you have a very gooey wife, indeed! Despite the fact that Mrs. Slug is under the weather, our busy little Mrs. Slug has been practicing her new xylophone for a part she wishes to audition for. Mr. Slug insisted that she put down her mallets and get some rest, or he will apply the Mr. Clampy to her tail along with the medicine! Mrs. Slug gently laid down her mallets and allowed Mr. Slug to administer the Vicks. She said that she will be a good Mrs. Slug if Mr. Slug will "please get her a bowl of ice cream." Mr. Slug went out to the store and bought his wife the flavor of his choice because she won't be able to taste it. Something is not right with this picture!

Shhhh! Be quiet and let me do all the talking.

To supply the much needed capital for his new business, (selling the auxiliary brain sponges at the Emporium,) Mr. Slug is now employed with the school district as a transportation technician. Mr. Slug mistakenly thought that the short buses have a top speed of fifty miles an hour, but it turns out that these precision driving machines can move much faster than the bigger buses. These babies have a turbo-charged Detroit Diesel and a souped up dual exhast with all the trimmings! No mamby pamby rigs for this Mr. Slug! Get outta the way! Oh yeah, except for you, Mr. Officer, Sir......I shall watch my speed and weaving in the future. Thank you for the warning. It won't happen again.

Take the short bus to the factory outlet sale!

Knowing your customer base is one of the key factors to the success of a small business. If your customers are basically clueless, then offer them something they can really use! Let your team of talented and persuasive sales-slugs guide them toward the purchase, then watch the cash roll in. Soon, there will be a Mr. Slug's Brain Emporium in every major metropolitan area. Don't delay! Your future is now! Buy your franchise before everyone else buys a new brain from Mr. Slug and thinks of it before you do!!!!! Hurry!

Mr. Canopener feels slighted!

Modern technology has a way of taking away that personal touch from everyday transactions. Does anybody have a can of beans they need opened? No pop tops, please! You will hurt Mr. Canopener's feelings, and we don't want that. You know how dangerous he can be when he is angry!