Spring cleaning means making a clean getaway!

Mrs. Slug enjoys a clean home. She likes to have the dishes done, the lettuce put away and the coats hung up neatly in the closet.  Mr. Slug is also a rather fastidious slug who prefers a sense of order to his castle. All of his electric tools for keeping his steel belly sliding plates in good order are out in the garage, hung on special hooks to keep them dry and in working condition, where he can find them easily without asking his wife where she saw them last.  "Honey, where is my Phillips Sluggydriver?" Mr. Slug will ask as the weather begins to improve at Slug's Rest. "In the garage, on the hook where I shall hang you next time you ask me that question," replies Mrs. Slug while busily attending to removing the cobwebs from the ceiling by sliding up the wall with her tail curled around a damp towel.
Mrs. Slug was watching television one night after one of these cleaning sprees with her beloved Mr. Slug. Watching the widescreen is a rare treat indeed since the two slugs prefer to read books, or, as Mr. Slug says, "Nibble the Tomes" instead of enduring five commercials for every three minutes of programming.  The slugs were watching Mr. Slug's preferred opiate, a show called NCIS, one of those fast action crime solver type shows with fashionably dressed agents teasing each other over a gruesome crime scene, when they cut to a commercial advertising a new and improved type of vaccuum cleaner with all of the bells and whistles. Mrs. Slug exclaimed, "OOOh! I need one of those! It comes with a lettuce-back guarantee! Let's call now!"
Mr. Slug unpeeled himself from the couch, did as he was bade and ordered a new "Carpet Shark" at once.
Yesterday, a large truck pulled up the driveway at Slug's Rest, and out came a box that said, "Fragile, handle with care, this side up."  The driver left it on the porch and ran back to his truck without ringing the doorbell or getting a signature for the giant parcel. "Hmmm, that is odd," said Mr. Slug.  The two slugs slid over to the box cautiously, as there was a banging sound coming from it.  As they moved closer to the box, there was an unmistakeable humming noise which sounded like a small tornado. Mr. Slug put his ear to the box, wiggling his optic tentacles curiously.
"Hand me the exacto knife." He said.  Mrs. Slug replied nervously, "Are you sure we shouldn't call for a backup?"  Mr. Slug shrugged his mantle and said, "I guess we should have some extra muscle in case this thing turns out to be more than we can handle."
Mr. Slug called a few friends over and they all gathered round the behemoth box while Mr. Slug began his surgery.  Mr. Slug had made the first cut and then a curious thing happened. The box began to sway and vibrate in a violent fashion! The humming turned to a roar as a brand new, sleek and dangerous vaccuum cleaner reared up and exited the box like a bolt of lighting! It jumped out of the box and began to suck up everything that lay before it, gravel, rocks, portions of the lawn, everything! "Slide, sluggies, slide! Slide inside the house so we can get some cleaning done," The slugs lured the vaccuum in to the house and up the stairs, where it did a fabulous job of picking up all of the dirt and lint from the premises. When they had gotten the bulk of the property looking good, they slid quickly back outside and directed the monster back in to the box and trapped it from whence it came.
"Good job everybody! Slug's Rest is ready for summer, and we all lived to tell about it!"

Mr. Slug looks slick in everything he wears!

Today, Mr. Slug woke up to an empty underwear and sock drawer. To make matters worse, all of his work suits are out at the cleaners and all he had to wear was a tatty old hooded sweatshirt and a tailsock that was too thin to consider wearing. Mr. Slug decided that he had too much to do at work to take the day off, so he pulled the hoodie over his mantle and slid to the office feeling inappropriately dressed but ready to face the stack of file folders and phone messages on his desk, as well as the expected snickers from his co-workers. Everything was going fine, until.....

Mrs. Slug received a call from Mr. Slug at lunchtime. Mr. Slug said that he was, "in a panic" and to bring him a suit, tie and wingtip tailshoe as soon as possible. He said quickly, "The head honchos are on the way to take the crew to a nice restaurant for a lunch meeting today. It figures that the bosses would pick today of all days. This sweatshirt smells like a gym."

Mrs. Slug knew that there were no clothes available, so she stopped by the nearest haberdasher and bought a new suit, tie, and the finest Egyptian cotton shirt money can buy. She then slid on over to the shoe store and purchased one very special Ferragamo tailshoe made of the softest Corinthian leather upper with a custom stacked heel that even comes with a nifty raised insert to help Mr. Slug look extra tall and important. 

When Mrs. Slug arrived at the office, the group of businessslugs were arriving. Some of them were already in the elevator! Mrs. Slug took the stairs, er, handrail, and slid to the tenth floor as fast as she could slide.  Mr. Slug was able to slide into his new suit quickly. The businessslugs were lined up in the hallway, waiting for Mr. Slug to join them. Mr. Slug filled the sink with water and soap and went for a quick swim. He dried himself off with the automatic hair dryer and slicked back his optical tentacles with water. He looked at himself one last time in the mirror to make sure he had no spinach stuck in his rasp when he smiles. He straightened his new silk tie and smoothed the lines of his coat before saying to himself, "Mr. Slug, you handsome mollusk, you know you got it goin' on. I would sign a six figure contract with you, just because you look so good!" Mr. Slug slid to lunch with the group and gave a hearty flick of the tail back at his loving wife as he left to lunch.  

The next day, Mr. Slug held a safety meeting. The topic for the day was, "A good businessslug will always have an emergency suit of clothes on hand for the unexpected meeting or executive lunch. Do not let yourself be caught without the proper threads for a surprise meeting. If you don't have a suit of clothes always on hand, at least have the sense to marry a loving and attentive wife who knows what you look best in and can get them for you in a pinch."

Mr. Slug celebrated with Mrs. Slug by buying her a new dress and an adorable strappy little tailsandal with a jeweled buckle before he took her out to the theater the following weekend. Mr. Slug certainly knows where his bread is buttered!

I was walking in the park one day..............

The flowers are blooming and love is in the air. Mr. Slug was happily sliding through the park on a lovely spring day and happened upon a lump of silken fabric lying in the bright green grass. He innocently picked it up and noticed the wonderfully sweet scent. It smelled like a mix of gardenias with a hint of rose. Just then, a very jealous and angry slug approached Mr. Slug and demanded to know where he had gotten the beautiful handkerchief. Mr. Slug was taken aback by the question. Another slug entered the area, wearing an Ensigns uniform and wielding a shiny long sword. Without knowing it, Mr. Slug had slid into an open air theater where a performance of the Tragedy of Othello was being acted out. Mr. Slug was in much danger of getting his tail lopped off by a very convincing actor who did not realize that Mr. Slug is NOT the stunt double of the Captain, who, in that particularly tragic scene, fought against the Ensign valiantly but ended up losing a hefty portion of his tail in the famous play by Slugspere. It was a very tense moment for both the audience, and especially Mr. Slug.
Mrs. Slug, in the meantime, had slid across the street to buy an ice cream and did not know the peril that her husband was in. She took a seat in the audience and began to hiss with the other theater goers as the antagonist began to thrust his sword at the tail of the hapless Captain, who was now being played by a very frightened and somewhat confused Mr. Slug. When Mrs. Slug realized that her beloved Captain was being attacked by the cruel and remorseless Ensign, she jumped up and said, "Zounds! Lay down thine scabbord and slide thine away! Leaveth mine husband alone!" The crowd loved this new twist, they hooted and yelled and went wild as Mrs. Slug entered the stage and proceeded to take hold of her husbands tail with her rasp. She swung him round and round, faster and faster, like a discus thrower. Once he reached maximum flight velocity, she let him go and he flew above the startled audience like a missile, his eyes wide with surprise and gladness, for he was now out of danger. He made a wide arc above the theater and came to rest on a red and white checkered blanket in the nosebleed section way in the back of the amphitheater on the grass where a sophisticated looking group of well-to-do slugs were watching the play and dining on a feast of basil leaves and champagne. One of them remarked, "Good show, old chap!" and went on munching on his leaf like nothing had happened. "Care for a nibble, Sir?" said another. The now proud actor brushed the dirt from his person, composed himeself and smiled broadly.  "May my wife join us?" beamed Mr. Slug. "Your wife?" asked the slug with a flick of the tail and a heavy english accent, "Was that lovely creature your wife? Why, she is the greatest Slugsperean actress of all time!Your wife may join us only if she promises to give us her autograph!" Mr. Slug agreed to be the husband of a celebrity and they dined upon the fancy greens heartily throughout the remainder of the performance. You may ask, "What this tale of tails was all about?" Well, I am not sure myself. I just know that springtime is a good time to go to a live performance, ANY live performance, as I am quite sure there is bound to be one where you may purchase tickets, somewhere near you.

P.S. - Speaking of great acting roles, some of you may remember part of the wise and powerful Yogurt, who starred in the best Mel Brooks movie ever made, which, in Mr. Slug's opinion was Spaceballs. That funny little gold painted man pointed out that, "Even plain yogurt has a little culture."

"A clean slug is an effective slug!" That said, "An effective slug is not afraid of a little dirt!"

There is nothing worse than waking up early on a frosty morning to find that the water heater has failed and you will be taking a cold shower. This happened to Mr. Slug recently, and he was not a happy slider. Mr. Slug woke up all of the sleeping slugs and told them to apply as much warm belly surface as possible to the outside of the haplesss household appliance. The slugs did as they were told, and in about 30 minutes, Mr. Slug found himself happily soaping up his mantle for another days work.  Order was restored to Slug's Rest, which had a very positive effect on the rest of Mr. Slug's business day! Mr. Slug felt so satisfied by the warm shower that he was giddy with happy feelings and greeted everybody he met that day with a hearty "Howyadoin!" and a spritely flick of the tail. This created an optimum condition for doing a brisk business.....At his morning meetings, Mr. Slug's customers were pleasantly accosted with the fresh, airy scent of Irish Spring soap upon his person. They were enchanted with his easy, breezy sales approach. In fact, he felt so good that week that that he made three extra sales, which amounted to a significant increase in slime to be deposited in to the sluggy bank account! Mr. Slug always gives back to his community, so he rewarded each of the helpful slugs with a fresh bottle of foaming slug wash and a loofah back scratcher with a nice long wooden handle for those hard to reach areas of the tail.

An electrifying tale of big business - be careful what you say to competitors!

If you do not know the name of the individual you are speaking with, do yourself a favor and do not even try to guess! You are most likely incorrect, thus you will risk irritating them to the point of personal injury to yourself, and to innocent byslugsters.
Mr. Slug is a very gentle, kind and proper slug, he rarely forgets a face. He makes a point to remember the names of his fellow businessslugs. He conducts himself with grace and charm, but sometimes he will trip over his own tail if he can't recall a name. 

         In this instance, Mr. Slug found himself in a dangerous position as he tried to guess the name of a rather intimidating executive that he met in the hallway of a large hotel where he was attending a convention. The executive was large and square-jawed, and his beady eye bore an invisible hole through everything it gazed upon.  Mr. Slug was clearly intimidated and nervous, as he thought he recognized the face, but could not draw the name from his memory. The only thing that Mr. Slug did wrong was ask the question..."Are you the infamous Mr. Clampy?" asked Mr. Slug.  The question was actually meant to impress, but it did the opposite thing. Mr. Slugs seemingly innocent question ruffled Mr. Car Battery Cable to the point of violence! He got all charged up when he heard the name of his rival competitor Mr. Clampy and chased Mr. Slug down the hall with his cord whipping wildly! Mr. Slug took off like a shot and was able to get a few paces ahead of the well dressed suit. Mr. Slug slid briskly around the next corner, and as luck would have it, straight into the open door of an elevator! Seeing his only chance for escape, Mr. Slug pushed the "close door" button as quickly as he could. Just as the doors were closing, Mr. Car Battery Cable stuck his snakelike head through the opening and grabbed Mr. Slug by the tail! Mr. Slug was able to free himself by releasing a large amount of slug slime from his belly, giving the imposing Mr. Cable the slip! The elevator doors closed! Mr. Slug was free and unhurt! Mr. Slug enjoyed the soothing saxophone sounds of the jazz elevator music on his way down to the conference rooms located in the basement of the skyscraper where his business meeting was about to begin! Before speaking to the large group of professional and well dressed attendees, he enjoyed a relaxing festive beverage and several nibbles of salad.  After lunch, Mr. Slug stepped into the Men's room and made sure there were no bits of spinach on his rasp, straightened his tie and composed himself before sliding onto the podium to address the eager crowd of executives. He tapped the microphone lightly with his tail to see if it was working and cleared his throat before he began.  A hush of silence fell about the room and he took a deep breath before he said,  "A funny thing happened to me on the way here...." He did not mention any names while telling his story for fear of retaliation - just in case Mr. Cable happened to be present at the meeting.  The moral of the story:  "When in doubt, don't blurt it out."

Sell, Sell, SELL!!!!! And don't stop! You guys look GREAT! You are a selling MACHINE!!!

What a weekend it was for Mr. Slug! He found himself busy working for much of Saturday and Sunday and arrived at the office very early this morning with a host of new accounts to process.

It seems as though business has been picking up all around the town this week, so Mr. Slug decided to call an impromptu mandatory meeting for all of his employees.  He phoned every member of his department before the sun came up and told them that he has something of great import to discuss with each of them before the start of the business week.  The team of sales slugs arrived on time and eager to hear what Mr. Slug had to say. The sales team was rewarded for being on time with a sumptous breakfast of spinach leaves and freshly brewed green tea or guava juice, which was well received by all slugs present.

An audible groan was heard as a box of tail protectors were opened and removed from the bubble wrap that the product was shipped in. Being a silly bunch of slugs, the team had fun popping the bubble wrap as they fitted their tails with the brand new tail protectors, which smelled a little "plasticky," from the off-gassing that you often get from factory-fresh oil based products.

Another large box was placed upon the boardroom table and out came a dozen pairs of new safety glasses, each with a special noseless bridge, modified especially for the anatomy of the common working mollusk. They came in four fun color choices: "Roasted Sienna," "Eggplant," "Chartruese," and "Golderod Summer."

The slugs dove into the box and each chose a pair that suited their mantle-tone.

Mr. Slug cleared his throat and the room quieted down very quickly. "First of all, I would like to thank you all for showing up on time with your name badges on.  Please wear your safety equipment at all times while you are representing this firm, as we would like to show the buying public that we are a safety minded business. This new equipment will help to protect you when driving the company fleet vehicles. We have recently purchased four new Prius sedans for your sales appointments. Please be careful while driving them and be sure to jump or slide out the window if the vehicle appears to speed up all by itself without any provocation. We were able to obtain the vehicles at an excellent price! We like the "green" message they send to our customers, although we do realize that our sales team will need to take an extra measure of precaution to enjoy the benefits of the savings in fuel costs to our company. You may all be dismissed, now go out there and sell something! Go Team Sluggy!" 

Why, that's just crazy-talk! I am not frightened by a bunch of water molecules

 Just three days ago, Mr. Slug was joyfully basking in the bright sun, wearing his tail sandal and a generous dollop of sunscreen on his sunkissed pate. When he slid out the door of Slug's Rest today, a very different weather pattern, in the form of a certain Mr. Rumblecloud, presented himself chest puffed out, in a threatening way. Mr. Slug said to the cloud, "My, you are looking very unstable and perhaps you are in need of some sort of counseling. I can give you the name of a doctor who can help you."  The cloud looked at him darkly and replied, "I may be unstable, but I have direction, which is more than I can say for you slugs. Just look at those crazy goo trails you guys make. Besides, someone has to wash the sidewalk from time to time!"  With this, Mr. Rumblecloud let out a torrent of hailstones and a crack of lightning lit the skies overhead! Mr. Slug retreated in terror as the hailstones turned to heavy rain! This madness sent Mr. Slug careening down the gutter and into the stormdrain, which, according to the painted sign next to it, leads directly to the sea! Mr. Slug tumbled and rolled his way through a long series of drainage tunnels which finally spit out the unfortunate mollusk through the big iron grates at the end of the drain in Nye Beach, Oregon.  Once he realized where he was, he promptly exited the shoreline and took a seat at the infamous tourist hangout, "The Sandbar," where the nice bartender took pity on the sand covered slug and served him a nice hot toddy to warm his mantle, free of charge.  He left the establishment feeling much better, but was still miles from home. He found some sea shells on the ground, used his slug goo to fuse them together and created some "beachy" looking artwork, which he put on consignment in the window of a local art gallery. The incredible artwork looked suitably trendy and sold almost instantly. He gave the art dealer his cut and used the remaining proceeds to pay for a limosine, a shiny black Lincoln Towncar. The driver asked the weary Mr. Slug where he wanted to go, and Mr. Slug said weakly, "There's no place like home."  What is the lesson learned here? Mr. Slug says, "If you go outside unprepared, that is, without your tailsock and dare to challenge an ominous cloud to a verbal swordfight, be ready for a lightning fast rebuttal and a good soaking, because YOU asked for it! They may look innocent enough, wearing that sly smile, but Rumbleclouds are NOT to be trusted!!!

Are we in the Twilight Zone? Could this be an episode of Iron Chef? You be the judge!

While we were flying back from LA, Mr. Slug said to me, "There's Some THING on the wing!" He was referring to that famous episode of the Twilight Zone where the future Captain Kirk of Star Trek is looking out the window and sees a hairy monster taking bites out of the wing, thus scaring him so bad he starts downing copious amounts of water along with handfulls of unbuffered asprin.
I asked my Mr. Slug, "Hey - do you remember the episode where the aliens had a book that said, "To serve man" and it turned out to be a cookbook? Mr. Slug said, "Yes, I remember that episode." I pondered this for a minute,  and replied, "I hope this plane is equipped with the necessary garnish, we will look much tastier that way."
Mr. Slug instinctively tightened his seatbelt around his tail just as the flight crew came by with the drinks tray. "Would you like a drink Sir?" asked the nice lady. "Yes, I would indeed." replied Mr. Slug.  "Could I get a bag of those sluggy snacks and an extra napkin too? The napkin is for my wife, for she seems to have a very active imagination today. She likes to draw on napkins."  The flight attendant looked at Mr. Slug with a twinkle in her eye as she took out a pepper shaker and began to sprinkle him liberally with the once expensive and rare spice. "There," she said, handing him a sprig of parsley, "you are now prepared for landing." (Cue the creepy Twilight Zone music  do da doo doo do da doo doo)

By the way, kids, this is what happens when a references are made about looking "Too Oregonian." You get served on your way back in to the state!

"Yo." Too cool for school is always the rule. You dig? Peace out.

When Mr. Slug arrived in LA, he realized that his style looked a little too "Oregonian." He promptly went to Venice Beach to improve his wardrobe. He slid in and out of every shop, trying on the newest flat brimmed baseball caps and modeling sunglasses for his lovely wife until she exclaimed, "Yep, those are the fly sunglasses for you, my dear homey-love."  Mr. Slug caught a glimpse of his new look in the reflection of the shop windows. Mr. Slug was impressed with how much a simple pair of sunglasses and a hat can change how other slugs see you. "This could be a good look for my entire sales team," thought he, so he raced back to Venice Beach and bought a case of sunglasses and hats to send back to Oregon in the US mail.  I wonder how Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Canopener will react to this new and fashionable turn of events? Stay tuned and find out!

Red eye flights are only good if you want a floppy tail afterward

The slugs decided that a trip to Los Angeles was in order, so they rounded up some boarding passes from the slugs favorite local airline, Horizon Air, a partner with the fabulous Alaska Airlines, proudly serving slugs living in the great Northwest territories.

They were sliding down the concourse to the plane when they heard an announcement over the intercom. "Paging Mr. Slug. Will Mr. Slug please pick up one of the white courtesy telephones." Mr. Slug located a white telephone and heard that he was about to miss the final boarding call for flight 8211 to Burbank Airport. All of the slugs in his party quickly made haste to the gate and left three slimy slug trails down the isle to their seats. They all made sure that seatbelts were securely fastened and that all carryon items were safely stowed in the overhead bins, or at their tails under the seat in front of them.  WHIRRRRR! The engines roared to life, the plane taxied down to the runway and WHOOSH! They were off in the air, a flock of flying slugs! One of the slugs was scared when the landing gear made a rattle as it locked in to flight position. Once the plane leveled off, the drinks cart came down the aisle CLANKETY CLANK CLANK. Mr. Slug had coffee and the other slugs enjoyed a festive adult libation at no extra charge. This greatly pleased the slugs and one of them went to sleep immediately while the other two enjoyed the in-flight Alaska Air magazine crossword puzzle, which they were unable to solve because it was very difficult. Stay tuned for more of the exciting flight!  

Take off your lampshade when you dance or you might get arrested!

     It is all well and good that a hard working sales team can go out in public after a long day of negotiating and have an adult libation with dinner, but the libations should end withing a reasonable time after the dinner is eaten, if the celebrating takes place on a worknight.

     Mr. Canopener received a call from his friends, a single, nervous sounding telephone call from a noisy payphone in the holding tank of the County Jail where the two scofflaws, Messrs. Lunchbox and his party cohort Mr. Thermos were lodged for the evening. Here is what Mr. Canopener learned from the call: They apparently went out after a successful day of work. Mr. Thermos got the signatures for a very large order of slug muzzles, went back to the hotel and promptly persuaded Mr. Lunchbox to "go out to a restaurant and celebrate." Mr. Lunchbox was pleased as punch that his protege had landed the account all by himself. "I shant deny you your moment of glory," said he, and they marched across the street to the local tavern and took two seats at the well worn bar. "I'll take three drinks, two for my friend and a double for me."

     About two hours later, Mr. Lunchbox was dancing with a broom and Mr. Thermos was wearing a lampshade on his head with his tie wrapped around the top. The barkeep called the cops after Mr. Thermos hopped up onto the bar and started to twirl about in a wild and dangerous fashion. He lost his screw-on cap when he slipped on the olive tray, sending the now loosened cap hurtling through the air and out the door of the establishment, landing right in the backseat of the cop car, where the rest of him ended up alongside the whimpering and apologetic Mr. Lunchbox who pleaded pitifully for freedom, but to no avail. They were caught, red handled!

When Mr. Slug got the news from Mr. Canopener, he was rightly annoyed, but sympathetic as well. His two finest sales associates had been blowing off some steam, and at least they had only hopped across the street from the hotel and had not attempted to drive anywhere, much to their credit. They had, however, embarrassed themselves on a business trip, and for this they must be reprimanded. This is not the first occasion they have seen trouble! Remember what happened on New Years Eve! Mr. Slug has decided that he shall accompany the team on the next sales trip, and the only kind of celebrating they will do after landing a new account will be a nice game of Scrabble in the lobby of the hotel, and a cup of hot tea before bedtime! No lampshades were harmed in the filming of this movie.

"You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a muzzle"

Are you tired of the endless chatter of your fellow slugs? Do you wish that you had merely said nothing when asked a difficult question? Then gather round all you weary slugs! Mr. Slug has a new invention that will help to minimize sound pollution and add quality to your life! Keep your ears free to hear only the things you want to hear, while eliminating the incessant chatter of others. Wear one, and you won't have to say yes to time consuming volunteer activities. Not only that, you will be regarded as an intelligent and thoughtful slug who listens well. Give the slug muzzle to all your friends and enjoy a blissful day of solitude. Take a test drive in a new muzzle! Your complete satisfaction or your dollar will be returned. Order one today and you will receive a free gift with purchase, a new soft and fluffy tailsock to snuggle in while you enjoy your quiet nights at home with a library book. Listen to these testimonies given by slugs just like you: "I bought my first muzzle a week ago and now I am writing poetry and playing a harmonica every day."  "I gave a muzzle to all my co-workers and now I can get my job jone in a timely manner. My boss gave me a raise!"

That's right friends, you can experience the benefits of your slug muzzle in just three easy payments of .37 cents, shipping and handling not included. Call now, and you can stop calling after it arrives! Hurry! Supplies are limited, but the words of other slugs are not!

An illuminating thought is a bright idea

Today, Mrs. Slug took her Mr. Slug to have a nice bowl of steaming won-ton soup from a local Chinese restaurant. At the end of the luncheon, two fortune cookies were served to the two satisfied diners, along with the check. Mr. Slug opened the package and split the crispy confection in half, revealing the small paper fortune inside the cookie. He looked at it with great interest - it seemed to speak directly to him! Mr. and Mrs. Slug raced home and began to finish one of Mr. Slugs pet projects. He has invented an "Auto-thinker instant response unit," a machine that most every slug will find useful when they cannot think of anything to say.  Let's suppose a fellow slug insults you, and you are unable to make that snappy comeback that would save your self respect and dignity. With Mr. Slugs new machine, you will never have a loss of words. The auto response will kick in and say the pefect thing!

Let's see how it could be useful to an everyday working slug:

Antagonist says, "Every time I pass by here, you're just sitting at your desk, staring into space. I think I better run over to management and let them know you are slacking in your duties."

Without the auto thinker response unit, you might just give the antangonist a blank look, thus fueling his ability to hurl further insult at you.

WITH the auto thinker response unit electrodes hooked up to the forehead of said sluggy victim, the scenario changes drastically. The insult would be quickly recorded and processed by the unit, and in less than 3 seconds, an intelligent and scathing remark will be returned to the antagonist, thus ending the volley of insults instantly.  "Space, my dear fellow, is the final frontier, and this will be your final day to enjoy my fine company if you don't respect my personal space and slide outta here this instant. That is my final word on the subject. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"  The antagonist slug will slink out of the room and find some other slug to bully.

With this new fabulous invention, Mr. Slug can help the the intelligent yet shy working slug to climb that company ladder to success! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

Please stay in your seats, we will not turn off the seatbelt signs for a year

Tears flow freely from Mr. Slug as he bids an emotional farewell to his holiday friend Ms. Eggnog, who is leaving sometime this week or next for a holiday of her own, which will last until next Thanksgiving in November. Most of Ms. Eggnog's associates have disappeared from the shelves of grocery stores and roadside markets, causing panic buying and hoarding of the popular dairy product. For this reason, Ms. Eggnog has hired a bodyguard and driver to make it to the airport without incident. Ms. Eggnog realizes the importance of teaching the youngsters all about the time honored traditions. She will be visiting a nutmeg farm to teach a group of raw eggs how to grow up right and become the most desired and upstanding members of the refrigerated community, standing tall with shoulders sqaure and proud while they await puchase from excited and happy customers! Lives lived to the fullest, and satisfied bellies full of  'nog!

Working is better than the best day in jail

In our last episode, trouble, no, let's make that "Trouble" with a capital "T," found our two foodservice employees in deep manure following a series of unfortunate events during the New Years holiday festivities. The price paid for such frivolity can be unexpectedly harsh, indeed.

It does not surprise me to see a spring in the hop of our heroes Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos. As you can plainly see, they are happy. (That's hapPy with a capital "P.") Why, you might think they had won the lottery! But no, what they have is much more valuable than mere euros or even a buffalo head nickel........They have received the greatest gifts in the world! (Cue the soundtrack music from the popular television show "The price is right" and add the voice of your favorite announcer Bob Barker.)
"Let's see what they've won! These two friends have the gift of freedom! This delicious freedom from a certainly lengthy incarceration at the County Jail is largely due to the generous donation to a certain bail bondsman, a check written from the desk of a certain Mr. Slug, who is, in his words, "lost without the help of his best two employees."
You see, Mr. Slug believes in giving a second chance if the character of the individual warrants a fair break. Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are rarely late, are always courteous and keep a clean tongue around the customers. When Mr. Slug received a call from jail, he did not hesitate to spring the two comrades at once. A smart businessslug keeps the best employees, even if they tend to "work hard and play hard" once in a while. Can we get a "whoop-whoop?"
Hurrah for Mr. Slug!

America, land of the brave, home of the free ride to jail!

Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos were rounded up with a group of drunk slugs amid the chaos of the New Years festivities. This is their story and they are sticking to it:
Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos had used a cellphone to call a dial-a-ride service and were pleased when a big white van showed up so quickly to take them home. The rear doors were open wide and the nice attendants even helped them in and told them to take a seat toward the front. They fell asleep on the ride home......but they did not go home! They were rudely awakened by the sound of police whistles and voices telling them to exit the vehicle in a single file line....it was then that they realized it was a paddywagon filled with drunk and disorderly slugs who had been participating in the yearly "Sliding of the slugs" under the New Years Ball Drop in Times Square. The two scofflaws were handleprinted and booked along with the pointy hatted, rowdy and raucus slugs. Only a few hours had passed when Mr. Thermos decided to slip through the bars of the jail cell! He was the only prisoner thin enough to fit between them without scratching his flawless stainless steel outer shell, perfect for drinks both hot, and cold. The slugs might have been able to squeeze through as well, had they not been slow and puffy from a night of drinking.
Mr. Lunchbox was not happy about being left behind and voiced his displeasure loudly, which in turn alerted the guards to the AWOL prisoner. Mr. Thermos clanked down the hallway and shouldered past the guard to freedom! He promptly called a couple of wealthy Thermos friends who in turn paid the bail bondsman, thus Mr. Lunchbox was "sprung" shortly thereafter.
The brazen duo vowed to stay home and quietly watch the ball drop on TV next year.

New decade of tradition in the "Sliding of the Slugs." Don't try this unless the cameras are rolling.

Just like the famed running of the bulls in Pamplona, slugs have a tradition that they like to take part in every year. It is the sliding of the slugs in Times Square New York. You see, the slugs gather together at a local pub to "prime" themselves, then they don brightly colored hats and blow loud noisemakers and proceed to slide directly under the sparkly ball as it drops for the New Years Countdown. As you can see, this practice is dangerous and foolhardy, not to mention highly illegal! The local gendarme was not pleased to find a wild group of slugs under the ball once again this year! The policeslug blew his whistle! The slugs scattered in all directions as the ball began it's descent toward the tender tails. A paddy wagon was brought in to round up the slugs and take them to safety before any of them got squished. They were taken to the police station and tailprinted, booked and lodged for the evening.

buying next years presents today keeps a slug financially fit

Just because December 25th has come and gone does not mean that the spirit of Christmas is over and done. Keep the spirit of Christmas alive even as you take down your sparkly aluminum tree that looks like a diamond when it is all lit up with all of the little colored lights you bought for $1.50 a box last year! Mr. Slug prides himself in being prudent and thoughtful with every business decision, even the ones involving the giving of gifts to his fellow slugs...not that he wants to be "cheap" in his giving; rather he likes to be a sensible business slug who can make a sluggy dollar stretch like a glob of goo. One of the best monetary moves you can make this season is the purchase of as many tail socks as you can find left on the shelves, which by now, are mostly picked clean of all of the good colors and patterns. Not to worry though, a slug looks great in most any type of tailsock! These tailsocks make a most thoughtful gift and is a unisex, one size fits all kind of purchase that can be pre-wrapped, one year in advance. Mrs. Slug helps Mr. Slug wrap the gifts in the wrapping paper received under this years tree, as they follow the "green slug movement," who actively reuse and recycle valuable material goods whenever possible. So, if you are one of the lucky slugs to receive a slightly crinkled and soft package under your tree soon after Thanksgiving 2010, you will know what it is and where it came from.

Feeling extra crispy? Let us add lettuce!

The holidays seem to wear out even the most stoic and hearty of slugs. During this busy time, one must keep oneself well hydrated and nourished! When it gets cold outside, a slug has very few options. He can either cover himself properly, or find himself quite frozen! In this example, Mr. Slug has both covered himself for warmth and has additionally provided himself with the fuel he needs to keep sliding smoothly through the holidays!

Mr. Slug increases his profit ten-fold, and looks good doing it!

Mr. Slug was so excited about his designer headwear, he decided to go public with it! Now his designs are seen sliding down the runways on the heads of the most sleek and successful slug models in the business! Mr. Slug says, "Any new venture takes a certain amount of risk. You will need a strong mantle, a short skirt and alot of optic nerve to succeed in the world of fashion slugs!" For this seasons look, Mr. Slug chose an "Oragami" theme that is both reversable, and edible! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

New hat needed? Try the supermarket!

You do not need to spend alot of hard earned cheddar in order to find cutting edge fashion! Cancel that flight to Paris and follow Mr. Slug to the most exciting haberdasher in town. Your local supermarket has everything you need to feel hip and fashion forward. Need a necklace to go with the ensemble? Glide on over to the vegetable section for a few fresh and flirty twist ties to complete your look. You are going to look so good, the manager will likely order you a personal escort out of the store and straight to your car!

Equal treatment for the flying rats!

Don't be too quick to judge someone by the way they look. Some of the hardest working executives have a rogue appearance to them. Perhaps they are wearing an earring or sport a rubbery looking set of wings and work the graveyard shift.

The least you can do is be kind and offer up a fresh moth or a stick of industrial bat food to your new friend. That bat could fly back to the cave and refer you to a large group of his batty relatives and your sluggy phone would start to ring off the hook with business inquiries.

Put this group of potential business slugmail contacts on your sonar and watch the slugdollars slide in!

It's a good thing slugs don't have kneecaps!

When Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos went out of town on a business meeting, they enjoyed a layover in the exciting town of Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Thermos talked Mr. Lunchbox into going out on the town to have some dinner and a tail pull of a slot machine. They ate a sumptuous meal at the buffet table and were feeling pretty good about the entire arrangement. "This working vacation is the way to live!" A very beautiful waitress appeared and plied the two execs with a hefty amount of pickle juice. The two funsters proceeded to a row of slots and gave one a pull, betting the maximum amount of coins. "Woo hoo!!!" said the winners! They slid over to the Roulette Wheel and dropped the winnings on one single number. Mr. Thermos promptly lost the entire expense account. There was a rather tough looking Slug standing next to him that offered to "cover him for another spin of the wheel."

It was a decision that Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are certain to regret! The tough looking Slug that is after Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos goes by the name of Mr. Bubba. He chain smokes a bargain brand cigarette and wears a red bandana.

Mr. Slug told him that he "knew of no such foodservice executives and to please slide away and don't come back again or he would call the local gendarme."

The surly gentleman turned tail and we have not seen him since the incident.

After that, Mr. Slug called a meeting to ask his employees to refrain from nefarious activities when out on the road. As you can see, rules exist for a very good reason!

Sail through your sales meeting like a true professional lunchbox

CONVENTION 101
For this particular subject, I would like you to first start humming the theme song to that classic movie starring Kenny Rogers called "The Gambler" made way back in the 1970's when business meetings were still held in places like Palm Springs and Reno Nevada. Here we go:

"Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to hop away, know when to run!"

This rule is especially true when discussing business with a complete stranger who you have met at one of these conventions. In this instance, Mr. Lunchbox has met a top end appliance out in the hall of the meeting room. Being a heavy hitter in the business, he will stick to topics that involve Tiger Woods, Lady GaGa and Global Warming.

Mr. Lunchbox says, "Do not discuss your company secrets with anybody, especially a slick looking washing machine with all of the latest technology! It is simply not safe!"

Instead, Mr. Lunchbox shall concentrate on giving the gentlewasher an invitation to visit him for a round of golf, being the skilled duffer that he is.

Mr. Lunchbox feels that this is much safer way to do business than a round of festive adult libations where he is likely to let his zipper become unlipped and say something he did not intend to share with the competition...

Here is your business tip for the day: A smart Mr. Lunchbox looks his competition in the eye as he speaks with enthusiasm on subjects of general interest, throws down the business card and hops away with purpose! Now THAT's what I call smooth SALE-ING!

An inordinate amount of insubordination brought on by a bout of boredom in the boardroom.

As much as Mr. Lunchbox does not like being reprimanded by his superiors, he especially does not like having to discipline his own workers. There has been a rash of "workplace infractions" of late, so Mr. Lunchbox is going to make sure that what happens in his department, stays in his department. That's right! Don't gossip about how you saw two wayward icepacks last night, wearing the company uniform along with lampshades for hats stumbling and giggling as they slid down Main Street! You saw nothing! If the higher brass (A.K.A. Mr. Slug the boss!) finds out about this latest affront to the company policy, it could have an adverse effect upon the entire stack of employee Christmas bonuses. Keep that zipper lipped!