A hard night out on the tiles

Gather 'round all you slug adventurers! I present to you a slug drawing that is only a day older than a day-old loaf of bread! Fresh as the morning dew! It is a rare event indeed.

What we have here is a complete lack of consideration for the fragile brain which is expected to be alert and ready for a new and hopefully profitable workday. Adult libations entered the delicate digestive tract and all reason and logic was lost for a time. It all started when Mr. Lunchbox invited his co-worker out to dinner the previous evening. The restaurant was nice, and had a bar and discoteque in the next room. The brightly colored lights and thumping rhythm of the dance floor made the weary workers spring back to life and dance the night away! By the time they left the restaurant, the full moon was setting in the western sky and it was nearly time to return to work. The last thing that Mr. Lunchbox remembered saying was, "I don't get out much. Let's get another round." Mr. Thermos recalls nothing.

The bartender ordered the two a taxi cab and poured them into it, with directions home, written on a napkin, of course!

Mr. Slug knows that both of his employees are normally on time and completely alert every morning. He knew something was amiss when he observed the two scofflaws drinking copious amounts of water from the water cooler in the breakroom. Mr. Thermos was filling up on glazed doughnuts while Mr. Lunchbox was quietly sitting under the table with his flap hanging crookedly to one side, moaning and muttering incoherently.

Mr. Slug was young once, he has seen it all and done it twice. Before any other employees spotted them, Mr. Slug did a very honorable thing. It was a gift, a gesture of thanks for a job that is normally well done.

Being the kind and generous slug that he is, (wait for it..........) Yes, you know what is coming next...................

Mr. Slug was a hero and let them slide home for the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's just the broccoli talking!"

Every now and then, a slug needs to go to the market for neccesary items, like chocolate bars. Mrs. Slug always prepares a list so that she does not forget the more important products, like paper napkins for lunches, broccoli and other essentials. Mr. and Mrs. Slug are careful not to get in the way of other shoppers, lest they get run over by a renegade shopping cart! Mr. Slug says, "Watch your tails, or it will be cleanup in aisle 3!"

Eight glasses of water can be dangerous on the road!

When Mr. Slug takes a drive, he likes to get in the car and get to where he is going. Never mind the groans from the back seat. Mr Slug says, "Hang on and enjoy the ride."

The passengers can only hope that the car will get pulled over for a tail light being out or some such thing.

Zip your lip and move that hip! Rise and shine! Wheeeeee!

Mr. Slug has announced a new work schedule which will require Mrs. Slug to get up at the crack of dawn to assemble his delicious lunch to be placed inside the dapper and dutiful Mr. Lunchbox who shall accompany Mr. Slug to work so that he may serve him the repast at the midday meal. Mr. Lunchbox is always eager to serve. Our hero has a very strict work ethic that we could all learn from. It should be noted: although our dear friend Mr. Lunchbox does not display the most pleasant disposition at all times, he certainly has been well respected in the foodservice industry for his tireless efforts and attention to detail. Mr. Lunchbox is happy to accept awards at catered award banquets and is an eloquent speaker when standing upon the podium before a crowd of his peers. However........

Mr. Lunchbox is not yet sure he likes the new work schedule.....he is not always fully awake in the morning and feels that he should be allowed to sleep longer. Mrs. Slug has promised him that she will have his coffee ready the moment he hops out of bed in the morning. (Can I get a "Yippeee!!"?) Oh Joy! Cue the bird chirps and strum that harp! It's going to be a great day!

Music calms the savage slug! (Not to mention the savage Mr. Canopener!)

It is not easy to learn a new song. First, a slug must find the sheet music and learn it backward and forward. A slug must rehearse the song over and over again until the notes are raw. Creative chord patterns must be found for improvisation during solos. A slug must learn how to hold two mallets with one tail and play the vibraphone with deadly accuracy or the slug might hit a "clam" and get a sour look from the conductor during a performance.....In the midst of all of this rehearsal, a visit from Mr. Canopener can be extremely distracting indeed! Mr Canopener must be kept at bay during the entire learning process. Music can be fun, but it can also be quite dangerous!

Yes, Doctor, I realize I overdid it just a little bit....

During the late summer, Mr. Slug finds that his belly becomes quite itchy due to the warm weather. He decided to invent a machine to take care of his malady. The machine was so effective that he rounded up a few investor slugs who were interested in making a profit on this new and exciting idea. The prototype was wildly popular with the local slugs! Now Mr. Slug has to limit the time that each slug may use the scratching machine because the crowds have become unruly and dangerous! Unfortunately, there is only one of these fantastic machines in the entire world. Let's hope that the machine can go into mass production as soon as possible. If you are a slug who would like to invest in this new product, please indicate how many shares of stock you would like to buy in the Scratchmatic Company. This invention could revolutionize the entire belly scratching industry! Get your piece of the Scratchmatic today!

Confidence is better than lipstick on a slug

Mr. Slug knows that the best thing he can wear out in public is a bright and honest smile. There is no article of clothing that can radiate success better than a relaxed and happy demeanor. Mr. and Mrs. Slug have found that the month has been a smoother slide when they go out the door wearing the "twinkle tail." It costs nothing, looks good, and seems to attract extra goo into Mr. Slug's wallet, which he likes when he is out buying chocolate bars after work.

**Of historical note for hardcore fans of Mr. Slug*** This particular napkin was drawn this very morning and was delivered to you fresh! "Yaaaaayyy!!!" "Can we get a Wheeeee-e-e?!" "Yipppeeee!!!!" Don't look at me that way. It is OK to be excited and cut loose with a yelp of gladness. This is a big deal. A really big deal. This is the first time that this has ever happened. SAME DAY SERVICE. I bet you didn't know......All previous slugs are from the archives of past lunchboxes. Mr. Slug took this napkin out of Mr. Lunchbox TODAY, the 18th day of August, and told me to share it with you at once. I hope you are pleased. Hold that thought. Indefinitely. Now go out there and twinkle that tail! Sell something! YOU!

This motivational message brought to you by "Slugs for an Increasingly Gooey World."

FOR RENT! #77 Slugland Lane

A home is an incredible thing to a slug, as the shell is to a snail. We slugs do not take this fact lightly, and we screen our renters carefully when we find we wish to rent out our beloved abode. The first question that Mr. Slug is likely to ask any potential renter slug is, "How often do you plan to clean the goo stripes off of the front porch?" If there is any hesitation in answering that question, a 3 leaf surcharge will be added to the mothly rent. Otherwise, Mr. Slug will let most things slide, as he is a very reasonable sort of fellow, most of the time.

"A bat flew into my livingroom on Sunday night, and I flushed him out the front door with an umbrella, also known in London as a bumbershoot."

Mr. Lunchbox was feeling very antsy this morning due to the fact that he may have to unzip his zipperlip and be the Chairman of a Toastmasters meeting. Too many slugs at a Toastmasters and you have a seriously gooey situation indeed! Thank goodness there is a time limit for the speaker. Mr. Lunchbox has already decided that he shall step, or rather, hop in if the situation becomes a heated debate. No wonder they call the group Toastmasters!

Mr. Lunchbox takes his job rather seriously!

There is nothing worse than being upset about something, and having your hissy fit fall on deaf, or in this case, sleeping and unhearing ears. Mr. Lunchbox is an early riser and does not take kindly to folks who tamper with his morning routine. He knew there might be a problem when he heard the sounds of slugs singing and playing music, (tickling the ivories to be exact) into the wee hours of the night. The next time he hears Mr. and Mrs. Slug having too much fun at his expense, Mr. Lunchbox will call the authorities and have the scofflaws thrown in the slammer for disturbing the peace, along with the "willful destruction" of his precious and fragile peanut butter sandwiches! I can hear the sirens in the distance! Slide! Slide for your lives!

Henceforth, Mrs. Slug offers this slice of advice:

Stay clear of Mr. Lunchbox today, as he is in no mood to be trifled with.

Let's go for a brisk morning slide, shall we?

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have returned from a vacation is sunny Los Angeles where they enjoyed sliding around the Rose Bowl for excercize and increased mental sharpness. Mr. Slug has made an agreement with his Mrs. Slug that they should try to get up earlier in the morning, which is difficult to do when they both like to read books into the wee hours of the evening! This practice must be stopped and replaced with the new plan of attack, a simultaneous flopping of the bellies into the bed at a decent hour! The revolt begins! Set the alarm for 7:00!

"Trouble" does not need a formal invitation printed in gold leaf ink on watermarked onion skin parchment with a vellum insert.

You can start the day with the sun brightly shining, everything is good, and suddenly, you feel attacked!!! Were you unprepared? Caught off-guard? Unable to defend yourself? Mr. Slug would like everyone to remember to carry a hammer and don't be afraid to use it. Sometimes you don't even have to take the hammer out of the toolbelt if you know a pre-prepared, choice set of intelligently placed words which will stop your aggressor in his slug trail. Smile! Grin and wink as you make your delivery of the words, and watch in amazement as the antagonists back up, and slide away. Mr. Slug says, "It is not true that good guys finish last. I would like to think that the good guys are the last to be finished!"

Twirl and be Free! Mr. Slug tries on a brand new shoe...

All work and no play makes Mr. Slug a dull mollusk. Lucky for him, Mr. Canopener was itching to break free of his lunchbox and have some recreational time, so he demanded that Mr. Slug put on a tailshoe and practice some spirited ballet moves to tone up his tail and re-energize for the start of his business week. At first, Mr. Slug said, "No, I don't do tailshoes." Mr. Canopener was relentless. He said, "Just give it a try. Dancing has changed my life. I used to be cold and calculating, I was violent and would cut anyone open just for kicks. Now that I can express myself, I have found that I am a much friendlier chap with a loving heart." Mr. Canopener stared at Mr. Slug intently, his handle spinning slowly around in a somewhat menacing way. "Try it with me, I know you will like it." There are times in life when one realizes that trying something new might be the healthier choice to make. Mr. Slug reluctantly put on the shoe to keep Mr. Canopener from becoming agitated. After about an hour of dancing, Mr. Slug had improved considerably. He even scheduled another session of dancing during the midweek! Mr. Slug found ballet to be more fun, and I dare say, somewhat safer than playing one on one basketball with another one of his business collegues, Mr. Porcupine. The moral of this story is: "If the shoe fits, it is not enough to merely wear it. You must learn to dance in it."

Saving money is a no brainer

If you are a slug who is trying to keep hold of your lettuce, a little belt tightening may be in order. Mr. Slug would like to issue a word of caution - tightening your belt too tight can lead to a bit of light headedness, thus leading to a series of poor decisions. This dangerous sequence of events may lead to uneccessary purchases of things like fan belts and wiper blades which are the wrong size and completely useless since Mr. Slug has abandoned his car for a steel sliding plate, due to the high cost of fossil fuel. So, with that, my dear friends, I deliver to you the honorable Mr. Slug's word of advice for today: "Take everything down a notch and you might find yourself breathing a little easier." I can hear the sound of your exhale already!

This is one class where a crush on the teacher is a very bad thing...

Due to popular demand, (of one reader) I am compelled to supply all of my gentle readers with an introductory course on the basic anatomy of a slug. It pleases me to know that there is such an interest! Please reveiw the study material provided, you will be tested on this information.

HEY! You slugs! Yes you! In the back row! Pay attention!

Keep those optic tentacles on your own test as cheating will not be tolerated. NOW, repeat after me. "Garden Slugs are your Friends, as they are both beautiful and well-intentioned....."

Micromanagement and you

For anyone who finds themselves lucky enough to be working, it is important to remember to pay attention to even the finest details of the job at hand. Leave no stone unturned, complete all required documentation so that the management can see that progress is being made. Every working minute must be accounted for!

Looking slick is easy if you are a slug.

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a banner week! They have both received phone calls which will attract extra dollars toward the household pocketbook. Mrs. Slug pointed out to Mr. Slug that without a pocket to put it in, he may misplace his pocketbook, and thereby lose his ability to add to his earnings accordingly. Additionally, a slick business slug must remain fashionable in the workplace. Mrs. Slug pointed out to her dashing and debonaire beloved husband that "we live in an image driven world." Thus, sliding oneself around in ill fitting, tattered work clothing will not attract new business, nor will it keep that delicate belly of his protected at the job site. Mrs. Slug loves to shop with coupons! With the prudent snipping of said coupons, she was able to save even more than half off of the price of Mr. Slug's new work attire. Today, we shall follow the financial advice of Mrs. Slug: "Good business decisions start with protecting one's tail, looking your best everywhere you slide, and having those handy coupons at the checkout counter every time you venture out to do some shopping. Grandma slug always used to say, "A penny that is not saved is a penny burned." Or, as Mr. Slug so aptly chimed in as to have the last word on the subject, "More saving equals less slaving."

Working on Memorial Day weekend blows chunks

Mr. Slug had big plans to entertain a few of his friends on his boat over the Memorial Day Weekend until he read an inter office memo that stated "All slugs shall report to work on Memorial Day Weekend - No Exceptions." Visions of a nice barbeque near the water with the sounds of clinking glasses with festive beverages faded from his mind. In place of these wonderful images were scenes of slugs all chained together on the side of the road with shovels and a mean looking boss wearing mirrored sunglasses holding a bullwhip. At least there are still sick days if you are well enough to enjoy them!

Public displays of the seriously affected

Being independently employed, Mr. Slug understands the importance of a good cash flow. Mr. Slug is not afraid to "Get into the trenches" and work hard to keep a nice pile of working capital available to keep his own business up and running. These are hard times indeed. Top executives all over the country have had to take off their ties (and lampshades) to work an extra job so that they can continue to keep their companies afloat. Mr. Slug knows that if he keeps a cool head he should be able to weather through the financial storm with the extra money he makes on the weekend.

There is, however, a limit to what a slug can take. Too bad Mr. Slug can't verbalize his thoughts or he would get fired. He is likely to be thinking, "If I have to pull over, your ride is over! You can all slide to the airport on your bellies for all I care!" But no, he cannot say those things. He loves his other job too much. Being the responsible executive that he is, Mr. Slug has an imaginary clamp firmly affixed to his tounge at all times. So, without further ado, Mr. Slug shall give you his business tip of the week: "Think as much as you want, but say as little as possible. Resist the urge to purge."

Now I know you have lost it. Check please.

Many times Mr. Slug has said to himself, "I am the luckiest slug in the world. I have a loving and slippery wife, a green froggy pet and a strong belly to slide upon through my day. If I went to a casino and put my money on a blackjack table, I wonder if my luck would hold?"

It is times like this that one should seek the help of a professional. The question is, how would you go about finding a genie? Mrs. Slug tried to find one listed in the phone book, but it says "See Fortune Teller." So what did Mr. Slug do, you ask? He did what any business slug would do in his position, he went out to play a round of golf and ask if anybody on the practice putting green knew a good luck Genie in our local Chamber of Commerce. A calling card for a reputable Genie was quickly procured and the Genie contacted immediately for an afternoon appointment. Mr. Slug ordered up three wishes and sped off toward home. He was pulled over by a nice officer of the law who let him go with a warning. He had two wishes left, so he made a u-turn and headed for the casino. The parking lot was full, so he wished for a parking spot, and found one quickly. With his one remaining wish, he slid over to the blackjack table and placed his bet. After an hour, Mr. Slug stepped away from the table with enough money to buy Mrs. Slug a new Ab Roller. Mrs. Slug used the device and became a lean mean sliding machine. She was nominated for Slug of the Year and attended an awards banquet where she received a trophy. This made Mrs. Slug squeal with delight. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "I could not have done this without the love and support of my dear husband, Mr. Slug....and of course, a little bit of luck mixed in." The moral to this story is that "Even if you were to buy yourself some good luck, nothing happens without hard work and creative thinking."

Good manners will open the sugar bowl for you every time.

The above illustration is a fine example of how an individual who wishes to get to the top of the anthill must first introduce him or herself with a smile, and win the affection of the party with whom they wish to transact. Although each of us may sometimes feel like just a number, we need to remember the rules of the game. Mr. Ant says, "A clever ant must always possess the ability to ask for what is needed, and be straightforward and clear with that request." Mr. Slug is more than happy to take time out of his busy executive schedule to accomodate an industrious saleperson who shows up at his office with a friendly confident approach and an honest looking pair of antennae! Mr. Ant has been rewarded for his efforts with a job offer at a cotton candy factory and with a DVD copy of the film, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." He was delighted! Now get out there and put your best exoskeletal leg forward today! (This ad paid for by the United Ant Workers of America, who would like to remind you that, "One ant equals the force of many ants when we all work together toward a common goal.")

Rrrring. Rrring.....Press three to speak to ME!

Every evening at about dinnertime, Mr. and Mrs. Slug are interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. They often receive a call from a tape recorded voice that will try to sell them something. Mr. Slug thought to himself, "Self, why can't we use that same technology to find more employment opportunities?" Mr. Slug found an Auto Dialer machine at a garage sale and hooked it up to his phone line. He made a recorded message asking potential employers to consider hiring him, and let 'er rip. That machine was incredible! It made calls to all corners of the country! Mr. Slug got calls back from the Chief Excecutive Officers of many different companies who were impressed with his marketing savvy. It sure helps to know how to speak the language of big business! Mrs. Slug has suggested that Mr. Slug should simply manufacture and sell the machines to job seekers and write his own ticket instead of working for some other slug. Now THAT's using your tail!

Eat broccoli for increased power and speed!

A couple of days ago, Mr. and Mrs. Slug were motivated to sweep the spiders out of the hull of the boat and take her for a spin around Olalla Lake, which is located delightfully close to Slug's Rest. The weather was perfect for a spirited paddling. Mr Slug saw a salamander underneath the surface of the water and jumped in so he could pet it on the back. He dove under the water and greeted Mr. Sally with a hearty hello and a wag of his tail. Just as he broke the surface of the water, Mrs. Slug had a spate of gaseous bodily fumes, exploding loudly in rapid succession, which she is prone to experience after eating a sumptuous lunch of broccoli and califlower florets, consumed greedily, also in rapid succession. You should have been there to see what happened next! The boat took off like a rocket and shot halfway across the lake! It is a good thing that Mr. Slug knows how to swim fast. Mrs. Slug was kind enough to throw her beloved a lifesaver. He ate it at once and climbed back into the boat. The afternoon concluded without further incident. The moral of this story is: "Too many greens mixed with the blue may require a maritime rescue!" or, "Don't take the boat after eating broccoli unless you are ready to rock and roll!

Product testing could take a month or two....

Mr. Slug does it again! He has invented a device that could put an end to despair, loneliness and corruption. Even the most hardened slug is no match for this love machine. This baby purrs like a kitten and will rumble an irritable and agitated working slug safely to sleep so he or she will wake up rested and ready for another profitable and productive workday. Why, this cuddlematic machine could be just the thing we need to turn this economy around! Three cheers for Mr. Slug!

Don't worry, be snappy

Sometimes the worries of the day can creep into your dreams and cause even more worries. The current economic conditions are sure to create a rather vivid scenario indeed. Your tender sluggy grey matter must fight back with happy thoughts! Before going to sleep tonight, tell yourself that you are in charge of the dreaming. When the cop tries to give you a ticket, imagine that it is not a traffic ticket, but a winning lottery ticket! That car you are living in is a Jaguar, and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a Creme Brulee! The smell emanating from the car is not sluggy odor, it is now Old Spice New "Sporty Fresh" scent! There is only one thing that should remain unchanged in the above picture.....The doo rag can still be a doo rag because Mr. Slug looks too cool for school in it.