An illuminating thought is a bright idea

Today, Mrs. Slug took her Mr. Slug to have a nice bowl of steaming won-ton soup from a local Chinese restaurant. At the end of the luncheon, two fortune cookies were served to the two satisfied diners, along with the check. Mr. Slug opened the package and split the crispy confection in half, revealing the small paper fortune inside the cookie. He looked at it with great interest - it seemed to speak directly to him! Mr. and Mrs. Slug raced home and began to finish one of Mr. Slugs pet projects. He has invented an "Auto-thinker instant response unit," a machine that most every slug will find useful when they cannot think of anything to say.  Let's suppose a fellow slug insults you, and you are unable to make that snappy comeback that would save your self respect and dignity. With Mr. Slugs new machine, you will never have a loss of words. The auto response will kick in and say the pefect thing!

Let's see how it could be useful to an everyday working slug:

Antagonist says, "Every time I pass by here, you're just sitting at your desk, staring into space. I think I better run over to management and let them know you are slacking in your duties."

Without the auto thinker response unit, you might just give the antangonist a blank look, thus fueling his ability to hurl further insult at you.

WITH the auto thinker response unit electrodes hooked up to the forehead of said sluggy victim, the scenario changes drastically. The insult would be quickly recorded and processed by the unit, and in less than 3 seconds, an intelligent and scathing remark will be returned to the antagonist, thus ending the volley of insults instantly.  "Space, my dear fellow, is the final frontier, and this will be your final day to enjoy my fine company if you don't respect my personal space and slide outta here this instant. That is my final word on the subject. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"  The antagonist slug will slink out of the room and find some other slug to bully.

With this new fabulous invention, Mr. Slug can help the the intelligent yet shy working slug to climb that company ladder to success! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

Please stay in your seats, we will not turn off the seatbelt signs for a year

Tears flow freely from Mr. Slug as he bids an emotional farewell to his holiday friend Ms. Eggnog, who is leaving sometime this week or next for a holiday of her own, which will last until next Thanksgiving in November. Most of Ms. Eggnog's associates have disappeared from the shelves of grocery stores and roadside markets, causing panic buying and hoarding of the popular dairy product. For this reason, Ms. Eggnog has hired a bodyguard and driver to make it to the airport without incident. Ms. Eggnog realizes the importance of teaching the youngsters all about the time honored traditions. She will be visiting a nutmeg farm to teach a group of raw eggs how to grow up right and become the most desired and upstanding members of the refrigerated community, standing tall with shoulders sqaure and proud while they await puchase from excited and happy customers! Lives lived to the fullest, and satisfied bellies full of  'nog!

Working is better than the best day in jail

In our last episode, trouble, no, let's make that "Trouble" with a capital "T," found our two foodservice employees in deep manure following a series of unfortunate events during the New Years holiday festivities. The price paid for such frivolity can be unexpectedly harsh, indeed.

It does not surprise me to see a spring in the hop of our heroes Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos. As you can plainly see, they are happy. (That's hapPy with a capital "P.") Why, you might think they had won the lottery! But no, what they have is much more valuable than mere euros or even a buffalo head nickel........They have received the greatest gifts in the world! (Cue the soundtrack music from the popular television show "The price is right" and add the voice of your favorite announcer Bob Barker.)
"Let's see what they've won! These two friends have the gift of freedom! This delicious freedom from a certainly lengthy incarceration at the County Jail is largely due to the generous donation to a certain bail bondsman, a check written from the desk of a certain Mr. Slug, who is, in his words, "lost without the help of his best two employees."
You see, Mr. Slug believes in giving a second chance if the character of the individual warrants a fair break. Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are rarely late, are always courteous and keep a clean tongue around the customers. When Mr. Slug received a call from jail, he did not hesitate to spring the two comrades at once. A smart businessslug keeps the best employees, even if they tend to "work hard and play hard" once in a while. Can we get a "whoop-whoop?"
Hurrah for Mr. Slug!

America, land of the brave, home of the free ride to jail!

Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos were rounded up with a group of drunk slugs amid the chaos of the New Years festivities. This is their story and they are sticking to it:
Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos had used a cellphone to call a dial-a-ride service and were pleased when a big white van showed up so quickly to take them home. The rear doors were open wide and the nice attendants even helped them in and told them to take a seat toward the front. They fell asleep on the ride home......but they did not go home! They were rudely awakened by the sound of police whistles and voices telling them to exit the vehicle in a single file line....it was then that they realized it was a paddywagon filled with drunk and disorderly slugs who had been participating in the yearly "Sliding of the slugs" under the New Years Ball Drop in Times Square. The two scofflaws were handleprinted and booked along with the pointy hatted, rowdy and raucus slugs. Only a few hours had passed when Mr. Thermos decided to slip through the bars of the jail cell! He was the only prisoner thin enough to fit between them without scratching his flawless stainless steel outer shell, perfect for drinks both hot, and cold. The slugs might have been able to squeeze through as well, had they not been slow and puffy from a night of drinking.
Mr. Lunchbox was not happy about being left behind and voiced his displeasure loudly, which in turn alerted the guards to the AWOL prisoner. Mr. Thermos clanked down the hallway and shouldered past the guard to freedom! He promptly called a couple of wealthy Thermos friends who in turn paid the bail bondsman, thus Mr. Lunchbox was "sprung" shortly thereafter.
The brazen duo vowed to stay home and quietly watch the ball drop on TV next year.

New decade of tradition in the "Sliding of the Slugs." Don't try this unless the cameras are rolling.

Just like the famed running of the bulls in Pamplona, slugs have a tradition that they like to take part in every year. It is the sliding of the slugs in Times Square New York. You see, the slugs gather together at a local pub to "prime" themselves, then they don brightly colored hats and blow loud noisemakers and proceed to slide directly under the sparkly ball as it drops for the New Years Countdown. As you can see, this practice is dangerous and foolhardy, not to mention highly illegal! The local gendarme was not pleased to find a wild group of slugs under the ball once again this year! The policeslug blew his whistle! The slugs scattered in all directions as the ball began it's descent toward the tender tails. A paddy wagon was brought in to round up the slugs and take them to safety before any of them got squished. They were taken to the police station and tailprinted, booked and lodged for the evening.

buying next years presents today keeps a slug financially fit

Just because December 25th has come and gone does not mean that the spirit of Christmas is over and done. Keep the spirit of Christmas alive even as you take down your sparkly aluminum tree that looks like a diamond when it is all lit up with all of the little colored lights you bought for $1.50 a box last year! Mr. Slug prides himself in being prudent and thoughtful with every business decision, even the ones involving the giving of gifts to his fellow slugs...not that he wants to be "cheap" in his giving; rather he likes to be a sensible business slug who can make a sluggy dollar stretch like a glob of goo. One of the best monetary moves you can make this season is the purchase of as many tail socks as you can find left on the shelves, which by now, are mostly picked clean of all of the good colors and patterns. Not to worry though, a slug looks great in most any type of tailsock! These tailsocks make a most thoughtful gift and is a unisex, one size fits all kind of purchase that can be pre-wrapped, one year in advance. Mrs. Slug helps Mr. Slug wrap the gifts in the wrapping paper received under this years tree, as they follow the "green slug movement," who actively reuse and recycle valuable material goods whenever possible. So, if you are one of the lucky slugs to receive a slightly crinkled and soft package under your tree soon after Thanksgiving 2010, you will know what it is and where it came from.

Feeling extra crispy? Let us add lettuce!

The holidays seem to wear out even the most stoic and hearty of slugs. During this busy time, one must keep oneself well hydrated and nourished! When it gets cold outside, a slug has very few options. He can either cover himself properly, or find himself quite frozen! In this example, Mr. Slug has both covered himself for warmth and has additionally provided himself with the fuel he needs to keep sliding smoothly through the holidays!

Mr. Slug increases his profit ten-fold, and looks good doing it!

Mr. Slug was so excited about his designer headwear, he decided to go public with it! Now his designs are seen sliding down the runways on the heads of the most sleek and successful slug models in the business! Mr. Slug says, "Any new venture takes a certain amount of risk. You will need a strong mantle, a short skirt and alot of optic nerve to succeed in the world of fashion slugs!" For this seasons look, Mr. Slug chose an "Oragami" theme that is both reversable, and edible! Bravo, Mr. Slug!

New hat needed? Try the supermarket!

You do not need to spend alot of hard earned cheddar in order to find cutting edge fashion! Cancel that flight to Paris and follow Mr. Slug to the most exciting haberdasher in town. Your local supermarket has everything you need to feel hip and fashion forward. Need a necklace to go with the ensemble? Glide on over to the vegetable section for a few fresh and flirty twist ties to complete your look. You are going to look so good, the manager will likely order you a personal escort out of the store and straight to your car!

Equal treatment for the flying rats!

Don't be too quick to judge someone by the way they look. Some of the hardest working executives have a rogue appearance to them. Perhaps they are wearing an earring or sport a rubbery looking set of wings and work the graveyard shift.

The least you can do is be kind and offer up a fresh moth or a stick of industrial bat food to your new friend. That bat could fly back to the cave and refer you to a large group of his batty relatives and your sluggy phone would start to ring off the hook with business inquiries.

Put this group of potential business slugmail contacts on your sonar and watch the slugdollars slide in!

It's a good thing slugs don't have kneecaps!

When Mr. Lunchbox and Mr. Thermos went out of town on a business meeting, they enjoyed a layover in the exciting town of Las Vegas. Apparently, Mr. Thermos talked Mr. Lunchbox into going out on the town to have some dinner and a tail pull of a slot machine. They ate a sumptuous meal at the buffet table and were feeling pretty good about the entire arrangement. "This working vacation is the way to live!" A very beautiful waitress appeared and plied the two execs with a hefty amount of pickle juice. The two funsters proceeded to a row of slots and gave one a pull, betting the maximum amount of coins. "Woo hoo!!!" said the winners! They slid over to the Roulette Wheel and dropped the winnings on one single number. Mr. Thermos promptly lost the entire expense account. There was a rather tough looking Slug standing next to him that offered to "cover him for another spin of the wheel."

It was a decision that Mr. Thermos and Mr. Lunchbox are certain to regret! The tough looking Slug that is after Messrs. Lunchbox and Thermos goes by the name of Mr. Bubba. He chain smokes a bargain brand cigarette and wears a red bandana.

Mr. Slug told him that he "knew of no such foodservice executives and to please slide away and don't come back again or he would call the local gendarme."

The surly gentleman turned tail and we have not seen him since the incident.

After that, Mr. Slug called a meeting to ask his employees to refrain from nefarious activities when out on the road. As you can see, rules exist for a very good reason!

Sail through your sales meeting like a true professional lunchbox

CONVENTION 101
For this particular subject, I would like you to first start humming the theme song to that classic movie starring Kenny Rogers called "The Gambler" made way back in the 1970's when business meetings were still held in places like Palm Springs and Reno Nevada. Here we go:

"Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to hop away, know when to run!"

This rule is especially true when discussing business with a complete stranger who you have met at one of these conventions. In this instance, Mr. Lunchbox has met a top end appliance out in the hall of the meeting room. Being a heavy hitter in the business, he will stick to topics that involve Tiger Woods, Lady GaGa and Global Warming.

Mr. Lunchbox says, "Do not discuss your company secrets with anybody, especially a slick looking washing machine with all of the latest technology! It is simply not safe!"

Instead, Mr. Lunchbox shall concentrate on giving the gentlewasher an invitation to visit him for a round of golf, being the skilled duffer that he is.

Mr. Lunchbox feels that this is much safer way to do business than a round of festive adult libations where he is likely to let his zipper become unlipped and say something he did not intend to share with the competition...

Here is your business tip for the day: A smart Mr. Lunchbox looks his competition in the eye as he speaks with enthusiasm on subjects of general interest, throws down the business card and hops away with purpose! Now THAT's what I call smooth SALE-ING!

An inordinate amount of insubordination brought on by a bout of boredom in the boardroom.

As much as Mr. Lunchbox does not like being reprimanded by his superiors, he especially does not like having to discipline his own workers. There has been a rash of "workplace infractions" of late, so Mr. Lunchbox is going to make sure that what happens in his department, stays in his department. That's right! Don't gossip about how you saw two wayward icepacks last night, wearing the company uniform along with lampshades for hats stumbling and giggling as they slid down Main Street! You saw nothing! If the higher brass (A.K.A. Mr. Slug the boss!) finds out about this latest affront to the company policy, it could have an adverse effect upon the entire stack of employee Christmas bonuses. Keep that zipper lipped!

Mine! All Mine! Not Yours! MINE!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Slug was surprised by this very inventive artwork created by her foreign exchange student slug from Italy. His name is Slugvano. He is very artistic and wishes to be an slugitect. I know he will someday build a very tall structure and call it Slug Towers.

As you can see, I dream in vivid Technicolor. I am very greedy when it comes to my wheeled conveyance, especially if it is MY dream.

You see, every time we pass one of these fine vehicles out on the road, I say to my young charge, "Look, they are driving MY car!"

Alas, it is no wonder that Slugvano has created this most wonderful depiction of me, Mrs. Slug, in my natural greedy and materialistic habitat...........as it should be! No drinks or hard shell tacos in my car!

(I hope the alarm clock does not wake me up before I go through the car wash and have the "Carnuba Wax Applied When Flashing"....)

I hope you have enjoyed this unusual diversion from your normal slug fare. There are more surprises ahead.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode! This outta keep you slugs on the tips of your tails, eh?

A hard night out on the tiles

Gather 'round all you slug adventurers! I present to you a slug drawing that is only a day older than a day-old loaf of bread! Fresh as the morning dew! It is a rare event indeed.

What we have here is a complete lack of consideration for the fragile brain which is expected to be alert and ready for a new and hopefully profitable workday. Adult libations entered the delicate digestive tract and all reason and logic was lost for a time. It all started when Mr. Lunchbox invited his co-worker out to dinner the previous evening. The restaurant was nice, and had a bar and discoteque in the next room. The brightly colored lights and thumping rhythm of the dance floor made the weary workers spring back to life and dance the night away! By the time they left the restaurant, the full moon was setting in the western sky and it was nearly time to return to work. The last thing that Mr. Lunchbox remembered saying was, "I don't get out much. Let's get another round." Mr. Thermos recalls nothing.

The bartender ordered the two a taxi cab and poured them into it, with directions home, written on a napkin, of course!

Mr. Slug knows that both of his employees are normally on time and completely alert every morning. He knew something was amiss when he observed the two scofflaws drinking copious amounts of water from the water cooler in the breakroom. Mr. Thermos was filling up on glazed doughnuts while Mr. Lunchbox was quietly sitting under the table with his flap hanging crookedly to one side, moaning and muttering incoherently.

Mr. Slug was young once, he has seen it all and done it twice. Before any other employees spotted them, Mr. Slug did a very honorable thing. It was a gift, a gesture of thanks for a job that is normally well done.

Being the kind and generous slug that he is, (wait for it..........) Yes, you know what is coming next...................

Mr. Slug was a hero and let them slide home for the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's just the broccoli talking!"

Every now and then, a slug needs to go to the market for neccesary items, like chocolate bars. Mrs. Slug always prepares a list so that she does not forget the more important products, like paper napkins for lunches, broccoli and other essentials. Mr. and Mrs. Slug are careful not to get in the way of other shoppers, lest they get run over by a renegade shopping cart! Mr. Slug says, "Watch your tails, or it will be cleanup in aisle 3!"

Eight glasses of water can be dangerous on the road!

When Mr. Slug takes a drive, he likes to get in the car and get to where he is going. Never mind the groans from the back seat. Mr Slug says, "Hang on and enjoy the ride."

The passengers can only hope that the car will get pulled over for a tail light being out or some such thing.

Zip your lip and move that hip! Rise and shine! Wheeeeee!

Mr. Slug has announced a new work schedule which will require Mrs. Slug to get up at the crack of dawn to assemble his delicious lunch to be placed inside the dapper and dutiful Mr. Lunchbox who shall accompany Mr. Slug to work so that he may serve him the repast at the midday meal. Mr. Lunchbox is always eager to serve. Our hero has a very strict work ethic that we could all learn from. It should be noted: although our dear friend Mr. Lunchbox does not display the most pleasant disposition at all times, he certainly has been well respected in the foodservice industry for his tireless efforts and attention to detail. Mr. Lunchbox is happy to accept awards at catered award banquets and is an eloquent speaker when standing upon the podium before a crowd of his peers. However........

Mr. Lunchbox is not yet sure he likes the new work schedule.....he is not always fully awake in the morning and feels that he should be allowed to sleep longer. Mrs. Slug has promised him that she will have his coffee ready the moment he hops out of bed in the morning. (Can I get a "Yippeee!!"?) Oh Joy! Cue the bird chirps and strum that harp! It's going to be a great day!

Music calms the savage slug! (Not to mention the savage Mr. Canopener!)

It is not easy to learn a new song. First, a slug must find the sheet music and learn it backward and forward. A slug must rehearse the song over and over again until the notes are raw. Creative chord patterns must be found for improvisation during solos. A slug must learn how to hold two mallets with one tail and play the vibraphone with deadly accuracy or the slug might hit a "clam" and get a sour look from the conductor during a performance.....In the midst of all of this rehearsal, a visit from Mr. Canopener can be extremely distracting indeed! Mr Canopener must be kept at bay during the entire learning process. Music can be fun, but it can also be quite dangerous!

Yes, Doctor, I realize I overdid it just a little bit....

During the late summer, Mr. Slug finds that his belly becomes quite itchy due to the warm weather. He decided to invent a machine to take care of his malady. The machine was so effective that he rounded up a few investor slugs who were interested in making a profit on this new and exciting idea. The prototype was wildly popular with the local slugs! Now Mr. Slug has to limit the time that each slug may use the scratching machine because the crowds have become unruly and dangerous! Unfortunately, there is only one of these fantastic machines in the entire world. Let's hope that the machine can go into mass production as soon as possible. If you are a slug who would like to invest in this new product, please indicate how many shares of stock you would like to buy in the Scratchmatic Company. This invention could revolutionize the entire belly scratching industry! Get your piece of the Scratchmatic today!

Confidence is better than lipstick on a slug

Mr. Slug knows that the best thing he can wear out in public is a bright and honest smile. There is no article of clothing that can radiate success better than a relaxed and happy demeanor. Mr. and Mrs. Slug have found that the month has been a smoother slide when they go out the door wearing the "twinkle tail." It costs nothing, looks good, and seems to attract extra goo into Mr. Slug's wallet, which he likes when he is out buying chocolate bars after work.

**Of historical note for hardcore fans of Mr. Slug*** This particular napkin was drawn this very morning and was delivered to you fresh! "Yaaaaayyy!!!" "Can we get a Wheeeee-e-e?!" "Yipppeeee!!!!" Don't look at me that way. It is OK to be excited and cut loose with a yelp of gladness. This is a big deal. A really big deal. This is the first time that this has ever happened. SAME DAY SERVICE. I bet you didn't know......All previous slugs are from the archives of past lunchboxes. Mr. Slug took this napkin out of Mr. Lunchbox TODAY, the 18th day of August, and told me to share it with you at once. I hope you are pleased. Hold that thought. Indefinitely. Now go out there and twinkle that tail! Sell something! YOU!

This motivational message brought to you by "Slugs for an Increasingly Gooey World."

FOR RENT! #77 Slugland Lane

A home is an incredible thing to a slug, as the shell is to a snail. We slugs do not take this fact lightly, and we screen our renters carefully when we find we wish to rent out our beloved abode. The first question that Mr. Slug is likely to ask any potential renter slug is, "How often do you plan to clean the goo stripes off of the front porch?" If there is any hesitation in answering that question, a 3 leaf surcharge will be added to the mothly rent. Otherwise, Mr. Slug will let most things slide, as he is a very reasonable sort of fellow, most of the time.

"A bat flew into my livingroom on Sunday night, and I flushed him out the front door with an umbrella, also known in London as a bumbershoot."

Mr. Lunchbox was feeling very antsy this morning due to the fact that he may have to unzip his zipperlip and be the Chairman of a Toastmasters meeting. Too many slugs at a Toastmasters and you have a seriously gooey situation indeed! Thank goodness there is a time limit for the speaker. Mr. Lunchbox has already decided that he shall step, or rather, hop in if the situation becomes a heated debate. No wonder they call the group Toastmasters!

Mr. Lunchbox takes his job rather seriously!

There is nothing worse than being upset about something, and having your hissy fit fall on deaf, or in this case, sleeping and unhearing ears. Mr. Lunchbox is an early riser and does not take kindly to folks who tamper with his morning routine. He knew there might be a problem when he heard the sounds of slugs singing and playing music, (tickling the ivories to be exact) into the wee hours of the night. The next time he hears Mr. and Mrs. Slug having too much fun at his expense, Mr. Lunchbox will call the authorities and have the scofflaws thrown in the slammer for disturbing the peace, along with the "willful destruction" of his precious and fragile peanut butter sandwiches! I can hear the sirens in the distance! Slide! Slide for your lives!

Henceforth, Mrs. Slug offers this slice of advice:

Stay clear of Mr. Lunchbox today, as he is in no mood to be trifled with.

Let's go for a brisk morning slide, shall we?

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have returned from a vacation is sunny Los Angeles where they enjoyed sliding around the Rose Bowl for excercize and increased mental sharpness. Mr. Slug has made an agreement with his Mrs. Slug that they should try to get up earlier in the morning, which is difficult to do when they both like to read books into the wee hours of the evening! This practice must be stopped and replaced with the new plan of attack, a simultaneous flopping of the bellies into the bed at a decent hour! The revolt begins! Set the alarm for 7:00!