"A bat flew into my livingroom on Sunday night, and I flushed him out the front door with an umbrella, also known in London as a bumbershoot."

Mr. Lunchbox was feeling very antsy this morning due to the fact that he may have to unzip his zipperlip and be the Chairman of a Toastmasters meeting. Too many slugs at a Toastmasters and you have a seriously gooey situation indeed! Thank goodness there is a time limit for the speaker. Mr. Lunchbox has already decided that he shall step, or rather, hop in if the situation becomes a heated debate. No wonder they call the group Toastmasters!

Mr. Lunchbox takes his job rather seriously!

There is nothing worse than being upset about something, and having your hissy fit fall on deaf, or in this case, sleeping and unhearing ears. Mr. Lunchbox is an early riser and does not take kindly to folks who tamper with his morning routine. He knew there might be a problem when he heard the sounds of slugs singing and playing music, (tickling the ivories to be exact) into the wee hours of the night. The next time he hears Mr. and Mrs. Slug having too much fun at his expense, Mr. Lunchbox will call the authorities and have the scofflaws thrown in the slammer for disturbing the peace, along with the "willful destruction" of his precious and fragile peanut butter sandwiches! I can hear the sirens in the distance! Slide! Slide for your lives!

Henceforth, Mrs. Slug offers this slice of advice:

Stay clear of Mr. Lunchbox today, as he is in no mood to be trifled with.

Let's go for a brisk morning slide, shall we?

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have returned from a vacation is sunny Los Angeles where they enjoyed sliding around the Rose Bowl for excercize and increased mental sharpness. Mr. Slug has made an agreement with his Mrs. Slug that they should try to get up earlier in the morning, which is difficult to do when they both like to read books into the wee hours of the evening! This practice must be stopped and replaced with the new plan of attack, a simultaneous flopping of the bellies into the bed at a decent hour! The revolt begins! Set the alarm for 7:00!

"Trouble" does not need a formal invitation printed in gold leaf ink on watermarked onion skin parchment with a vellum insert.

You can start the day with the sun brightly shining, everything is good, and suddenly, you feel attacked!!! Were you unprepared? Caught off-guard? Unable to defend yourself? Mr. Slug would like everyone to remember to carry a hammer and don't be afraid to use it. Sometimes you don't even have to take the hammer out of the toolbelt if you know a pre-prepared, choice set of intelligently placed words which will stop your aggressor in his slug trail. Smile! Grin and wink as you make your delivery of the words, and watch in amazement as the antagonists back up, and slide away. Mr. Slug says, "It is not true that good guys finish last. I would like to think that the good guys are the last to be finished!"

Twirl and be Free! Mr. Slug tries on a brand new shoe...

All work and no play makes Mr. Slug a dull mollusk. Lucky for him, Mr. Canopener was itching to break free of his lunchbox and have some recreational time, so he demanded that Mr. Slug put on a tailshoe and practice some spirited ballet moves to tone up his tail and re-energize for the start of his business week. At first, Mr. Slug said, "No, I don't do tailshoes." Mr. Canopener was relentless. He said, "Just give it a try. Dancing has changed my life. I used to be cold and calculating, I was violent and would cut anyone open just for kicks. Now that I can express myself, I have found that I am a much friendlier chap with a loving heart." Mr. Canopener stared at Mr. Slug intently, his handle spinning slowly around in a somewhat menacing way. "Try it with me, I know you will like it." There are times in life when one realizes that trying something new might be the healthier choice to make. Mr. Slug reluctantly put on the shoe to keep Mr. Canopener from becoming agitated. After about an hour of dancing, Mr. Slug had improved considerably. He even scheduled another session of dancing during the midweek! Mr. Slug found ballet to be more fun, and I dare say, somewhat safer than playing one on one basketball with another one of his business collegues, Mr. Porcupine. The moral of this story is: "If the shoe fits, it is not enough to merely wear it. You must learn to dance in it."

Saving money is a no brainer

If you are a slug who is trying to keep hold of your lettuce, a little belt tightening may be in order. Mr. Slug would like to issue a word of caution - tightening your belt too tight can lead to a bit of light headedness, thus leading to a series of poor decisions. This dangerous sequence of events may lead to uneccessary purchases of things like fan belts and wiper blades which are the wrong size and completely useless since Mr. Slug has abandoned his car for a steel sliding plate, due to the high cost of fossil fuel. So, with that, my dear friends, I deliver to you the honorable Mr. Slug's word of advice for today: "Take everything down a notch and you might find yourself breathing a little easier." I can hear the sound of your exhale already!

This is one class where a crush on the teacher is a very bad thing...

Due to popular demand, (of one reader) I am compelled to supply all of my gentle readers with an introductory course on the basic anatomy of a slug. It pleases me to know that there is such an interest! Please reveiw the study material provided, you will be tested on this information.

HEY! You slugs! Yes you! In the back row! Pay attention!

Keep those optic tentacles on your own test as cheating will not be tolerated. NOW, repeat after me. "Garden Slugs are your Friends, as they are both beautiful and well-intentioned....."

Micromanagement and you

For anyone who finds themselves lucky enough to be working, it is important to remember to pay attention to even the finest details of the job at hand. Leave no stone unturned, complete all required documentation so that the management can see that progress is being made. Every working minute must be accounted for!

Looking slick is easy if you are a slug.

Mr. and Mrs. Slug have had a banner week! They have both received phone calls which will attract extra dollars toward the household pocketbook. Mrs. Slug pointed out to Mr. Slug that without a pocket to put it in, he may misplace his pocketbook, and thereby lose his ability to add to his earnings accordingly. Additionally, a slick business slug must remain fashionable in the workplace. Mrs. Slug pointed out to her dashing and debonaire beloved husband that "we live in an image driven world." Thus, sliding oneself around in ill fitting, tattered work clothing will not attract new business, nor will it keep that delicate belly of his protected at the job site. Mrs. Slug loves to shop with coupons! With the prudent snipping of said coupons, she was able to save even more than half off of the price of Mr. Slug's new work attire. Today, we shall follow the financial advice of Mrs. Slug: "Good business decisions start with protecting one's tail, looking your best everywhere you slide, and having those handy coupons at the checkout counter every time you venture out to do some shopping. Grandma slug always used to say, "A penny that is not saved is a penny burned." Or, as Mr. Slug so aptly chimed in as to have the last word on the subject, "More saving equals less slaving."

Working on Memorial Day weekend blows chunks

Mr. Slug had big plans to entertain a few of his friends on his boat over the Memorial Day Weekend until he read an inter office memo that stated "All slugs shall report to work on Memorial Day Weekend - No Exceptions." Visions of a nice barbeque near the water with the sounds of clinking glasses with festive beverages faded from his mind. In place of these wonderful images were scenes of slugs all chained together on the side of the road with shovels and a mean looking boss wearing mirrored sunglasses holding a bullwhip. At least there are still sick days if you are well enough to enjoy them!

Public displays of the seriously affected

Being independently employed, Mr. Slug understands the importance of a good cash flow. Mr. Slug is not afraid to "Get into the trenches" and work hard to keep a nice pile of working capital available to keep his own business up and running. These are hard times indeed. Top executives all over the country have had to take off their ties (and lampshades) to work an extra job so that they can continue to keep their companies afloat. Mr. Slug knows that if he keeps a cool head he should be able to weather through the financial storm with the extra money he makes on the weekend.

There is, however, a limit to what a slug can take. Too bad Mr. Slug can't verbalize his thoughts or he would get fired. He is likely to be thinking, "If I have to pull over, your ride is over! You can all slide to the airport on your bellies for all I care!" But no, he cannot say those things. He loves his other job too much. Being the responsible executive that he is, Mr. Slug has an imaginary clamp firmly affixed to his tounge at all times. So, without further ado, Mr. Slug shall give you his business tip of the week: "Think as much as you want, but say as little as possible. Resist the urge to purge."

Now I know you have lost it. Check please.

Many times Mr. Slug has said to himself, "I am the luckiest slug in the world. I have a loving and slippery wife, a green froggy pet and a strong belly to slide upon through my day. If I went to a casino and put my money on a blackjack table, I wonder if my luck would hold?"

It is times like this that one should seek the help of a professional. The question is, how would you go about finding a genie? Mrs. Slug tried to find one listed in the phone book, but it says "See Fortune Teller." So what did Mr. Slug do, you ask? He did what any business slug would do in his position, he went out to play a round of golf and ask if anybody on the practice putting green knew a good luck Genie in our local Chamber of Commerce. A calling card for a reputable Genie was quickly procured and the Genie contacted immediately for an afternoon appointment. Mr. Slug ordered up three wishes and sped off toward home. He was pulled over by a nice officer of the law who let him go with a warning. He had two wishes left, so he made a u-turn and headed for the casino. The parking lot was full, so he wished for a parking spot, and found one quickly. With his one remaining wish, he slid over to the blackjack table and placed his bet. After an hour, Mr. Slug stepped away from the table with enough money to buy Mrs. Slug a new Ab Roller. Mrs. Slug used the device and became a lean mean sliding machine. She was nominated for Slug of the Year and attended an awards banquet where she received a trophy. This made Mrs. Slug squeal with delight. She stepped up to the microphone and said, "I could not have done this without the love and support of my dear husband, Mr. Slug....and of course, a little bit of luck mixed in." The moral to this story is that "Even if you were to buy yourself some good luck, nothing happens without hard work and creative thinking."

Good manners will open the sugar bowl for you every time.

The above illustration is a fine example of how an individual who wishes to get to the top of the anthill must first introduce him or herself with a smile, and win the affection of the party with whom they wish to transact. Although each of us may sometimes feel like just a number, we need to remember the rules of the game. Mr. Ant says, "A clever ant must always possess the ability to ask for what is needed, and be straightforward and clear with that request." Mr. Slug is more than happy to take time out of his busy executive schedule to accomodate an industrious saleperson who shows up at his office with a friendly confident approach and an honest looking pair of antennae! Mr. Ant has been rewarded for his efforts with a job offer at a cotton candy factory and with a DVD copy of the film, "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." He was delighted! Now get out there and put your best exoskeletal leg forward today! (This ad paid for by the United Ant Workers of America, who would like to remind you that, "One ant equals the force of many ants when we all work together toward a common goal.")

Rrrring. Rrring.....Press three to speak to ME!

Every evening at about dinnertime, Mr. and Mrs. Slug are interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. They often receive a call from a tape recorded voice that will try to sell them something. Mr. Slug thought to himself, "Self, why can't we use that same technology to find more employment opportunities?" Mr. Slug found an Auto Dialer machine at a garage sale and hooked it up to his phone line. He made a recorded message asking potential employers to consider hiring him, and let 'er rip. That machine was incredible! It made calls to all corners of the country! Mr. Slug got calls back from the Chief Excecutive Officers of many different companies who were impressed with his marketing savvy. It sure helps to know how to speak the language of big business! Mrs. Slug has suggested that Mr. Slug should simply manufacture and sell the machines to job seekers and write his own ticket instead of working for some other slug. Now THAT's using your tail!

Eat broccoli for increased power and speed!

A couple of days ago, Mr. and Mrs. Slug were motivated to sweep the spiders out of the hull of the boat and take her for a spin around Olalla Lake, which is located delightfully close to Slug's Rest. The weather was perfect for a spirited paddling. Mr Slug saw a salamander underneath the surface of the water and jumped in so he could pet it on the back. He dove under the water and greeted Mr. Sally with a hearty hello and a wag of his tail. Just as he broke the surface of the water, Mrs. Slug had a spate of gaseous bodily fumes, exploding loudly in rapid succession, which she is prone to experience after eating a sumptuous lunch of broccoli and califlower florets, consumed greedily, also in rapid succession. You should have been there to see what happened next! The boat took off like a rocket and shot halfway across the lake! It is a good thing that Mr. Slug knows how to swim fast. Mrs. Slug was kind enough to throw her beloved a lifesaver. He ate it at once and climbed back into the boat. The afternoon concluded without further incident. The moral of this story is: "Too many greens mixed with the blue may require a maritime rescue!" or, "Don't take the boat after eating broccoli unless you are ready to rock and roll!

Product testing could take a month or two....

Mr. Slug does it again! He has invented a device that could put an end to despair, loneliness and corruption. Even the most hardened slug is no match for this love machine. This baby purrs like a kitten and will rumble an irritable and agitated working slug safely to sleep so he or she will wake up rested and ready for another profitable and productive workday. Why, this cuddlematic machine could be just the thing we need to turn this economy around! Three cheers for Mr. Slug!

Don't worry, be snappy

Sometimes the worries of the day can creep into your dreams and cause even more worries. The current economic conditions are sure to create a rather vivid scenario indeed. Your tender sluggy grey matter must fight back with happy thoughts! Before going to sleep tonight, tell yourself that you are in charge of the dreaming. When the cop tries to give you a ticket, imagine that it is not a traffic ticket, but a winning lottery ticket! That car you are living in is a Jaguar, and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a Creme Brulee! The smell emanating from the car is not sluggy odor, it is now Old Spice New "Sporty Fresh" scent! There is only one thing that should remain unchanged in the above picture.....The doo rag can still be a doo rag because Mr. Slug looks too cool for school in it.

Safety can be fun.....Fun can be dangerous!

O.K. gang, gather round. Is this microphone working? Too loud? Good. Eyes forward please. Today we will discuss safety in the workplace. My name is Mr. Slug, but today, you can call me "Mr. Safety." Your safety is important to me, and today I intend to make it important to you. Please write the word on your worksheet. Stare at it, remember it, live it. Imbedded in the word "Safety", one will find the following words: FAST, STY, SAT, SAY, EAT, FAT, STAY, YES, YET, AFT, TEAS, SEAT, and a few more that can be found on your own time. You will notice that many of these words contain a certain element of risk. This demonstration proves that even the safest and most attentive slug must be on top of his or her game at all times. Do not trust that another co-worker slug will be watching out for you. Every slug must be on the lookout for potentially unsafe situations and act upon them immediately. Watch your tails you slugs! Look alive and pay attention at all times! Ignore the danger signals, and you are likely to get your tail burned! Thank you for attending today. Please pick up your proof of attendance card as you slide out. This safety class funded in part by Oregon Slugs Hazard Avoidance. "Slide Smart, Slide Safely"

Take a look what they've won! A day at the spa!

It seems that slugs everywhere have been forced to work harder than they have ever worked, that is, if they are lucky enough to have a paying situation. If you are the "Boss", that is, an employer of slugs, you must remember to reward your best employees with incentives to keep those sluggy minds lively and supple. They must be ready to rock and roll and be the best at what they do. Mr. Slug has a business tip for you: "Begin your day with some light sliding, and then make a few phone calls to some prospective buyers to set the tone for a productive and profitable day. I see a glimmer of hope on the financial horizon! Set the dial on high! Warm those bellies! Look lively you slugs! Sell! Sell!" (This motivational message paid for by the Belly Baker Corporation of HamHock Valley, Oregon)

Now that's "Livin'!"

Tonight you might be here checking on the Adventures of Mr. Slug and Friends because you found yourself sitting in a catatonic state in front of a TV set saying, "How come we are paying for 160 channels and I can't find one thing that interests me?" We are honored to have you here as a visitor here at our comfortable and spacious estate that we refer to as Slug's Rest. Please kick off your shoe, put on a tail sock and a slipper and make yourself at home. We are here to help. Mr. Slug will set you up with a refreshment and a bit of music for your enjoyment. Mr. Slug asks, "Would you care to dance?"

This is where you need to pay attention if you want to break out of the catatonia.....If someone asks you to dance, you must accept! Yours truly has recently purchased a 1961 Magnavox Hi Fidelity Stereo Console with a full 50 watts of tube amplified musical nirvana. When Mrs. Slug helped him load the unit into the truck, she said, "This thing weighs a ton. Did they leave the records in it too?" Indeed they did, Mrs. Slug, indeed they did. Mr. and Mrs. Slug were delighted to find a very special collection of mint condition record albums inside the storage of the handsome walnut veneer cabinet with little fake drawer pulls. Incredible! Mr. Slug took the turntable apart and tuned up the motor for a flawless spin. The unit came to life with the sounds of "Hawaiian favorites, Song of the Islands (Marty Rollins), and "Tumbleweed Trail, (Sons of the Pioneers)." After listening to a number of great tunes, Mrs. Slug immediately slid over to to her local library so she could round out the evening entertainment with a good read. She is now snuggled in her bed at the end of a perfect spring day. She will, of course, hand the book to Mr. Slug because the only thing better than a good book is having someone read it to you. What could be better? Certainly not that boring old TV!

Your business is Mr. Slugs business!

When it comes to doing business, Mr. Slug has a motto....Mr. Slug says, "Let your belly guide your decisions. If you have a gut feeling that an important decision must be made and the axe has got to fall, swing that axe hard and make a nice clean cut." In a recent Fortune 500 interview, Mr. Slug gave the following advice. He stated, "Nothing can move forward without decisive action. A slug must take responsibility for his actions, a willingness to deal with the ensuing fallout, and develop a plan that will get his corporation through the lean times. Distance yourselves from shifty eyed slugs. Keep your most hard working trusted slugs informed of your moves, slide with a purpose. America, start your engines and turn off your televisions! Don't let anyone tell you that it is a bad time to do business! I love the smell of my photocopier in the morning! O.K., everyone, repeat after me....... I'm a lean, mean, gooey selling machine!!" This motivational message has been paid for by the I.B.S. of America (Independent Business Slugs of America)

Try a little tenderness

All of that work on the new driveway has been taking its toll on Mr. Slug this week, and he does not seem to be getting the sympathy that he would like from his peers. Even though the driveway is smoother, the highway is a dangerously uncomfortable slide this time of year. You really need to watch your sliding. Anything can happen! A gravel rock can hit you right in the snout when the traffic passes! As the winter wears on, it just gets worse. The road bed is so rough that Mr. Slug needs a heavy steel plate to strap on his belly to keep from getting scraped. The steel plate that Mr. Slug slides on has been ruined from too many highway miles, and is proving to be ineffective protection from the rough road. Good thing Mr. Slug has his Mrs. Slug to comfort him and rub salves and ungents into his tender dermis!

Follow your dreams and your belly machines

The winter rain and snow has made a wreck of the gravel driveway leading up to the house at Slugs Rest. There are numerous dips and gullies where the road was once smooth and easy to slide on. Even the deer are avoiding it, which is distressing for the local cats who enjoy chasing them through the yard. Mr. Slug has a dream - he would like to smooth out the driveway and install some new paving stones like the ones you see in a James Bond movie under the tires of Mr. Bond's specially built Jaguar with the seat ejector button and the oil slick button and the slicing knives that stick out from the axles so that anyone trying to follow him can be made to swerve wildly so he can get away and save the world from the likes of Goldfinger or some such villian. At the entrance to the driveway would be a pair of gargoyle attack slugs with smiling faces and a big imposing gate with an intercom system that you would have to talk in to before being allowed admittance to the compound. The first order of business will be to hire those paving slugs right away! The rest will take care of itself! The name is Slug.......James Slug.

More time to barbeque, less time to sleep!

There is something about the sound of an alarm clock that makes you feel like you might be in trouble with the law - your heart beats faster, the room seems colder and you wish you could just stay in bed and make that alarm clock go away and leave you alone. Don't be so hard on your alarm clock, or Mr. Clampy for that matter, they are both just trying to keep you earning an honest days wage for an honest day of work, and that also means being on time to said employment situation. I know what you are thinking.......(Get real! Mr. Alarm clock is not your friend! He and that dratted Mr. Clampy can go play on the freeway with a pack of angry ostriches! Leave me alone Mr. Alarm Clock!.... LEAVE!....ME!..... ALONE!) If this is what you are thinking, then I suggest that you grab yourself a nice cup of decaffinated tea and turn in early on Sunday night. After all, it was Mr. Daylight Saving Time that has caused all of this civil unrest, unless of course, you are lucky enough to live in Arizona USA. That is where they send all of those stolen hours from the rest of the country and then tack them on to the summer. That is why it is so darned hot there, but, I am wandering from my point I was trying so hard to make......You may want to blame that sneaky Mr. Daylight Savings for your troubles and leave the innocent time enforcement officials out of this! Instead, I urge you to send a thank you card to Mr. Alarm Clock and Mr. Clampy! They are just trying to do their job.

My pillow needs fluffing, so let's hire a pro!

What used to take an hour or two now has become an all day affair! At least all receipts have been found lurking in the glove box of the car or the back of the writing desk and Mrs. Slugs purses (that are last years fashion), hanging in the closet getting dusty. Now we can get down to the nitty gritty! Smile as you prepare your 2009 taxes, and don't forget, it all goes to a good cause. Now get out that pen and start writing some checks, or you might end up with a Mr. Clampy attached to your tail! After the taxes are paid, Mrs. Slug has decided to dust off her purses and give them another run, especially that cute pink handbag with the clasp that goes "Snap" real loud when you close it.